She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Zeenat Mahal

  “All done?” he asked, still smiling and giving her appreciative looks.

  She felt herself grow warm under that gaze, but then a sudden thought tripped her up and she asked him rather abruptly, “Why wasn’t it you? It’s your case, why wasn’t it you, I interviewed?”

  He watched her blankly for a split second then leaning in, whispered dramatically, “With our sexual chemistry? We’d have set fire to the screen, Zoella. You know that.”

  Taming her heartbeat she replied, “I’m serious. You don’t do this kind of thing. I know that. You didn’t do the interview because you don’t believe in advertising your causes. So you made him sit in because you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Why did you agree to it then?”

  Embarrassed now, he said, “What’s the big deal? I thought it might help you. Like you said, it’s a high profile case and…”

  The last of her defenses evaporated. Her heart was melting and that made her angry. So she tried mockery, “Aw, and you thought you’d help out little ole’ me.” Furious at herself as much as at him for feeling this way, she added, “You are a prince now, aren’t you? Thanks so much for your kind and chivalrous gesture, we’ll be off now.”

  Pleased that she viewed him as the prince again, Fardeen said, “What, already? Have a cup of coffee with me?”

  She had to go and think. Bolster up her defenses. Think of all the nasty stuff he’d said and done. Why though? He was trying to make up, wasn’t he? He’d asked to work on their marriage, hadn’t he? She should trust him. Her thoughts made her heart sink. Oh no! No, no, no, don’t go there, Zee. He’s not your prince. Don’t you remember?

  “I have to go now. We have to give the tape for editing and Iqbal has to be home on time. He gives tuitions in the evening.”

  Fardeen smiled at the young man and offered him his hand.

  “Iqbal, yaar, do you think you could take the tape for editing? I’ll take Zoella home myself.”

  Iqbal grinned and shaking his hand, he said, “No problem, sir.”

  Zoella interrupted.

  “Iqbal, I have a problem with it. I’ll come with you. I really must go Fardeen. Thanks for all the hospitality.”

  She couldn’t let him get under her skin, so easily. He didn’t love her. He didn’t. She could feel tears pricking her eyes.

  “Believe me,” she added tartly to hide her consternation, “I lived and breathed and achieved things before I married you. I might just continue to do so, even in my ever after.”

  Fardeen watched her go with a sinking feeling. What had he done now? He’d never lost a battle he’d set out to win. But never had anything been more important than Zoella. What if he’d already lost her forever?

  NINETEEN

  For the next couple of weeks, Fardeen took Zoella out every night, just the two of them. He was trying very hard to re-program her memory and she was the recipient of his single-minded and charmingly devoted pursuit. What was a girl to do? She could see her resolve breaking. Yet again. She allowed herself to be enamored and romanced. Sometimes, he almost made her forget her reservations and her rules. She was certain it wouldn’t last but there was a part of her that just couldn’t deny herself a brief glimpse of joy. Maybe she had not given enough importance to his gestures of reconciliation? Maybe, she was wrong and he actually did want this marriage to work for their sakes, and not because it was a psychological reaction.

  Just as she had almost convinced herself of it, they began to run into Neha everywhere they went, almost as if by plan. Doubts invaded Zoella’s dream world and she realized that if Fardeen’s feelings had changed at all towards her, he would’ve said something. He was funny and passionate and kind but never once did he say that he loved her. Though he said other very lovely things. She’d heard him declare his love a million times to Neha, without a care about who heard him, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words to her.

  More and more she was beginning to believe that he’d asked for a chance to work on their marriage because he felt guilty. Maybe he wanted to ease his conscience before he dumped her for Neha. She pretended not to notice how Neha turned up everywhere. Zoella never said a word to him about it and neither did he feel the need to explain. What was the use of harping on what was inevitable?

  With a heavy heart, Zoella went back to her earlier prognosis of their relationship. The surgery and the recovery had been a huge turn-around for him. The doctors had said it so many times. He was going to be emotionally vulnerable for some time, they’d said. She tried to remember that he was reluctant to let go of her because she’d been the one who had been there with him in his transitional phase. He associated his newly found sense of well-being with her. His proposition to give the marriage a chance was based on gratitude. This was just a phase, a psychological reaction. It wasn’t real. She’d been a fool to let it affect her so much.

  Every time they met Neha, and Fardeen treated her with his usual charm, Zoella couldn’t stop thinking of all that he’d said and done to hurt her. She had to remember or she’d just get hurt again.

  That night Fardeen came home and announced, “Dinner at eight, lawyer thing. Be ready by seven forty?”

  On the way to the dinner they chatted and Fardeen flirted shamelessly with her, but she had learnt her lesson the hard way and she didn’t give an inch of ground, or at least that was the front she was keeping.

  Fardeen too, watched Zoella all evening. She was mysterious and elusive that night. She smiled tolerantly at his pathetically obvious overtures and dismissed them and him forthwith. They had entered a new phase in their relationship, he realized. Gone was that shy over-compensating girl and this sultry siren had taken her place in a smooth, effortless transition.

  She was good with people too, he soon realized at the gathering. Her conversation was intelligent and vivacious, she wasn’t afraid to put her opinions across and she had some strong ones. She was standing a little farther off with a few other women but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of her for long.

  “I thought I might run into you here.”

  Fardeen turned as he heard the words and came face to face with Neha. His mood suffered a slight shift but he smiled and said, “Hi, Neha. You look wonderful as always.”

  “As do you, handsome. How’s everything with you?”

  “Fantastic. Everything is…” He shrugged.

  A little farther away, Zoella watched the scene unfold like a nightmare. Part of her wanted to go and stake her claim, but another part wanted to see Fardeen make his choice. He didn’t try to cut the conversation short or pretend any grievances. Everything was…what? Just a shrug. Nothing special.

  Her initial surmise had been correct, after all. How could she have considered otherwise? Would he ever think of her as anything but a liability? He felt nothing for her but gratitude perhaps, or a sense of duty. She’d always be his charity case. No matter what she did, no matter how many debts she paid, she’d be his damsel in distress. Someone he could only save but never love. His love belonged to someone else. Like a fool she was beginning to forget the reality of their relationship, after all. Despite all her vows not to.

  Even now though, the very thought that she’d forever be cut off from Fardeen made her heart sink a little. It was this very realization that hardened her resolve. So, here it was then. This was the beginning of the end. So much for working on ‘our marriage’. The hypocrite.

  “Zoella? Is that you?”

  She turned. “Yes.”

  The man who’d spoken and was coming towards her with a huge smile was none other than her future divorce lawyer.

  “Hi, Murad how are you? What a coincidence!”

  He gave her an appreciative look before answering, “Not really. This is a lawyers’ gathering, we all turn up in droves at these official things. How have you been? I haven’t seen you since you and Sana graduated.”

  “I know, I should have made the effort but Sana and I both stay in touch on the phone. You know how it is.”

&nbs
p; “That’s good, that you’re still in touch with Sana, at least. I was glad to hear from you the other day. Although, people remember us only in unpleasant situations most of the time and I sincerely hope that’s not the case in this instance.”

  She smiled again and replied, “That’s true, I guess. But we’ll discuss my problem later. So you’re very successful, Sana told me.”

  He laughed, inclining his head flirtatiously towards her, and said, “It’s a job and I enjoy it. Who’re you here with?”

  “M…my…husband.”

  “Oh, so he’s a lawyer too is he? I’m flattered you want my opinion even though you have a lawyer at home.” Then his eyes took on a shrewd expression and he added, “Unless you want advice on…”

  Before he could finish though, Fardeen’s wintry tones resonated behind her, “Hello, Murad.”

  Zoella felt Fardeen’s hand alight possessively on the small of her back.

  “Fardeen.” Murad’s reception of her husband was just as cold.

  Zoella’s mouth nearly fell open. How dare he get territorial after flirting with his ex-fiancée and flame? She squirmed out of his grip and smiling, said to Murad, “I haven’t had the chance to ask about your parents. I hope they’re doing well?”

  Murad gave Fardeen a slow, taunting smile as Zoella pulled away from him, and said warmly, too warmly perhaps, “Yes, they’re very well, thank you. Come and see us sometime Zoella, we’d all love to see more of you.”

  Smiling, she promised to do so despite the uncomfortable feeling that his words carried more than the simple message she’d understood. Murad turned to leave with another warm smile for her, then stopped and said with a knowing smile, “And that other matter you wanted to talk about…” His gaze flickered over Fardeen before he continued, “Rest assured, I’m the best man for the job. I’ll have this unfortunate business behind you in no time. Looking forward to discussing the details with you, Zee. Until then.”

  He nodded at her, wearing a victorious expression, and left.

  “Another childhood crush of yours, I presume?” Fardeen asked, voice dripping sarcasm.

  Stung, Zoella looked at him furiously and shot back, “Yes, I had crushes on all of my friend’s brothers, and their neighbors as well. Didn’t I mention you were one of them?”

  Fardeen tried to remain cool-headed despite her goading, but failing, shot back at her, “What the hell was he talking about?”

  Fardeen felt a little breathless. Why was Zoella talking to a lawyer? They’d decided on a reconciliation. Why was she doing this? Of all people, this fucking asshole?

  Zoella turned towards him regally, and locking her eyes with his, said, “Nothing that concerns you.”

  Thrown-off by his emotional upheaval, he said, “May I remind you, Zee, that you’re still my lawfully wedded wife?”

  Fardeen couldn’t believe he’d just said that. He sounded like such a prick. He tried to put a lid on his growing panic. Of all the lawyers, she had to go to this bastard? She wouldn’t have approached a lawyer if she hadn’t been serious. She’d meant it? She was going to leave him?

  Zoella turned her little nose up at him.

  “I’m not a possession and certainly not yours, even if you did pay an undeserved million for my services.”

  “Watch it, sweetheart. You don’t want to push me too far,” his voice was a silky caress but his face became rigid, and yet again putting his hand on her waist, he propelled her towards the door.

  “Kindly, unhand me.”

  “Not another word.”

  She gasped. “What kind of despicable behavior is this?”

  “My kind. I thought you knew.”

  He led her to their car in the parking area. Still looking grim, he opened the door for her and she got in. The double standards of the man, she fumed in silence.

  He didn’t bother to start the car, instead turned towards her, asked with barely concealed frustration, “Do you even know who he is, apart from being an old friend’s brother? We’ve been opponents for years now. He’s a known ladies’ man. You agreed to give me—this marriage—a chance.”

  “Who I talk to is my business and not everything I do is necessarily about you. Sometimes, I think that you actually think the sun rises and sets with you. It doesn’t you know. It never has and never will.”

  He stared at her for a moment and then said, in a soft silky tone, “Zoella, are you by any chance under the impression that I’m neutered or that you can encourage open flirtations with men, and I won’t mind?”

  “Excuse me?” her voice was shrill with disbelief. He actually had the gall to say this to her while flirting openly with Neha?

  At her rejoinder, he added, “Because if you are, I’ll just have to dispel that impression. We’re married.”

  “And there it is again! The eternal reminder,” she laughed, mocking him.

  “Yes! It is! Get used to hearing it for the rest of your life. I still don’t know why you want to not hear it? It’s probably because there’s no reason.”

  “Oh there’s reason enough.”

  “Do share.”

  Zoella looked away. Their fragile truce had already turned cold. She shut herself from Fardeen again. It would hurt less that way, she hoped.

  They bickered all the way home.

  “As if anyone can tolerate…”

  “You’re just…”

  “You always…”

  “I never…”

  They reached their room.

  “How can you even say that?”

  “We have to try, Zoella!” roared Fardeen.

  “You don’t even love me!” shouted Zoella.

  There was utter silence in the room.

  “Zoella…I…”

  Her shoulders drooped. She sat down on the bed and shook her head.

  “Please, Fardeen. Don’t.”

  Why had she said it? Why? Zoella wanted to throw herself off the rooftop.

  TWENTY

  “Zoella?”

  She turned her face towards him finally, when he came and sat down beside her.

  “I’ve been wanting to say this for ages now. It’s just that the time was never right. I bought you that ring you liked,” he took it out and held it between his fingers, and added, “it’s our wedding anniversary soon and I’ll allow myself to be cheesy this once and say that, I want to put this ring on your finger and tell you how much I…”

  She interrupted, “Fardeen, please don’t. I really didn’t mean that you have to say it, you know? I was just saying that we don’t have to try for the sake of tradition and duty and whatever.”

  “I’m not saying it because I have to or because you wanted me to.”

  She got up and said, “That’s the point! I don’t want you to. I was merely pointing out a fact.”

  “Zoella? Look, I’ve been carrying this thing…”

  He took the ring out and came forward. He caught her hand so he could put it on her finger. He felt like it was the most important moment of his life. The moment that would change all the moments to come.

  She snatched her hand away and yelled, “I told you already, Fardeen, I don’t want it.”

  “You might if you’d let me finish my declaration of love?” he said calmly.

  “Don’t. It’s too horrible. I can’t bear it.”

  Fardeen stopped in his tracks and asked incredulously, “Horrible? How is me loving you horrible?”

  Zoella said coldly, “Oh, I’m sorry. Should I be doing back-flips with gratitude?”

  It was the same icy voice he’d been hearing for so long now.

  Before he could say anything though, she added, with a lopsided grin of contempt, “That’s what you expected, isn’t it? That I’d fall at your feet with joy at your declarations of leftover love?”

  “Left-over love?” he asked.

  “You’re in a fragile state of mind and the doctors…”

  “Kindly let me be the judge of my state of mind?”

  “Fardeen.
Be honest. You bought this very ring as an afterthought for me—and I am the personification of an afterthought for you, aren’t I? Your first love, your true love is Neha.”

  “What?” He looked confused for a moment. “Neha? Where did she come from? Why the hell are we talking about her?”

  His face cleared. Relieved at understanding her anger, he said, “Is this about what has been happening over the past few weeks? She’s always there. What am I supposed to do, look the other way? Which I try, believe me but, Zoella? Are you crazy? Neha?”

  Then he was pissed.

  “Does she have anything to do with your juvenile demands of a divorce? I’m trying to tell you...”

  “Juvenile?”

  “I’d say! You’re ready to give up on us because of her? Zoella. I’m here trying to tell you that I love you, with a ring and everything, and you’re talking about my ex?”

  Fardeen waited for her eyes to melt and thaw and shine like they used to and had almost begun to again, when she looked at him but saw no trace of it.

  He pulled her closer, “You saved me. If it hadn’t been for you, I’d still be living in the mental prison I’d made for myself. I owe you so much.”

  In a dull voice, she replied, “Gratitude is not love, Fardeen. What you feel for me is gratitude, or maybe lust. You know what love feels like, don’t you? You were ready to give up everything for it. Rather an uncomfortable business, love.”

  Fardeen stared at her.

  “Zoella, you’re not listening to me.”

  “I am, Fardeen. Believe me I am. I listened to your silences for a whole year as well. Why is it that you’re saying this to me now? After all this time, why now, when I…I’ll tell you why. It’s out of guilt. Because I said that stupid thing just now. I was just trying to make a point and you have just confirmed it! I didn’t mean that you had to say you love me. Honest. I was just saying…”

  “Zoella, listen. Don’t do this. I mean it. You rescued me like you said you would. You loved me when I didn’t deserve to be loved. You brought me out of my misery and the shell I’d become. What does it matter when and how I say it? I love you.”