She Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

by Zeenat Mahal

  Looking at Salaar belligerently, Fardeen said, “Don’t you know how to treat guests in your house? Your lack of manners was embarrassing.”

  Salaar stomped out. Fardeen turned towards Swaba but she was ready with more arsenal.

  “Do you give gifts worth hundreds and thousands of rupees to all your friends?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Incredulous, Swaba laughed and said, “I don’t believe this. That’s exactly what your wife said when I offered her my shoulder at your despicable behavior.”

  “Watch it, Swaba,” Fardeen warned, sounding suddenly furious.

  Zoella came to her friend’s rescue. “Don’t worry Ess, We’re all civilized people here. They’ve been friends for ages, what’re a few baubles between friends?”

  TWENTY-TWO

  Fardeen’s regret was quick and acute when he recalled the expression on Zoella’s face when she’d seen the ring. She hadn’t been as impervious as she pretended to be. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had. He hated having been the cause of her pain, yet again.

  She can have you for all I care. The words echoed in his mind spreading their poison. She’d left him no choice though. She’d forgotten that he had feelings too. She’d hurt him deliberately.

  “Listen to Zoella, Swaba,” he said. “See how sensible she is? Thanks for your support, honeybun. I’m so proud of you. Your mature attitude is most commendable. After all, we both know it isn’t the first ring I’ve given Neha.”

  “Zee, I will kill him for you,” Swaba said very softly, eyes narrowed at him.

  Smiling, Fardeen said, “I’m so glad Zoella reminded me of how perfect Neha and I are for each other, Swaba. You should be too. Neha’s so very sweet-tempered, and you may have noticed, she’s not caustic at all. She seems to actually like me.”

  “What? Zee said that? That makes no sense. Zee would never say anything so stupid,” replied Swaba.

  “Wouldn’t she?” He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

  Zoella’s breathing was getting heavy and her shoulders tensed.

  “Zee? What does he mean?” Swaba inquired.

  “Nothing,” Zoella replied.

  Fardeen came forward and said, “If memory serves me right, I told you I loved you, and you said Neha was welcome to have me.”

  Zoella looked at him, eyes burning, “And you didn’t take long to act on the suggestion.”

  “Zee, you said this? Why? What did he do?” asked Swaba. “Is there something you guys aren’t telling us?”

  Fardeen and Zoella were staring at each other.

  “Zee? Fardeen Bhai? What’s going on? You brought Neha home because Zee asked you to?”

  No one answered. Zoella and Fardeen both continued to stare at each other, resentment and hurt thick in the air around them.

  “Zee? That doesn’t sound like you,” Swaba said.

  “She hasn’t sounded like herself in a while, Swaba. The girl we all thought was sunshine and rainbows turned out to be quite beastly in the end.”

  Zoella’s mouth fell open, “Oh, and now you’re the beauty in this little farce, are you?”

  Fardeen laughed at that. “If you say so.” And added, “Neha sends her compliments, by the way. She said to tell you she appreciates your broad views on marriage.”

  Zoella’s eyes brimmed with tears and she whispered, “You monster!”

  Feigning utter confusion, he asked, “Whatever’s the matter, Zoella? You did say she could have me and that you couldn’t care less? Did I misunderstand? Isn’t this what you had in mind?”

  Barely able to control his voice from rising with frustration, he said, “I’m so lucky I have such a broad-minded wife. Another woman can wrap herself around me, but it doesn’t bother Zoella. Neha sits laughing and flirting to her heart’s content, in Zoella’s home, with Zoella’s husband, but Zee doesn’t care.”

  Swaba’s eyes narrowed. Then her mouth fell open, and glaring at Fardeen, she said, “I tell you to make a grand gesture with her, and you…you try and make her jealous?”

  “I did make the grand gesture and she threw it back in my face! I told her I loved her. With a ring and everything.” He glanced at his sister in embarrassment. “Yeah, I did that.”

  “Zee?” she demanded of her friend.

  Zoella looked uncomfortable then said shortly, “None of your business, Swaba.”

  “Yeah, tell that to someone who cares,” she said. “First, you guys drop the divorce bomb on me, then you bring Neha home. What am I missing here?”

  “The fact that I told Zoella I loved her a million times in between,” said Fardeen drily. “And it is none of your business.”

  “Yeah, like that’ll stop me,” she waved her hand at them and said, “Okay, so she wanted a divorce. Why?”

  Fardeen and Zoella stared at each other in silence.

  “I think it’s time to call in the big guns,” said Swaba gravely.

  “Ess, no!” Zoella exclaimed.

  “Why not? Tell them this is how you feel. I’m sure they know whose fault this is,” said Swaba looking at her brother.

  “If you mean me, you’re mistaken,” said Fardeen.

  “I do mean you.”

  “Weren’t you listening?” he asked.

  “Weren’t you?” Swaba asked.

  No one spoke. Fardeen stared at Swaba. Zoella stared at the floor.

  “I’m calling them,” Swaba said and walked away.

  The tension in the room escalated as Ami and Abba came back in, looking worried.

  “What’s going on? Is it true? What Swaba just told us?” Ami asked tremulously.

  Fardeen said simply, “Ask Zoella. She’s the one with all the answers.”

  Giving Fardeen a long look, Zoella began, “Actually, it is. Abba, Ami. Fardeen and I…we…”

  “Don’t put this on me,” said Fardeen quickly.

  Gathering herself she said calmly, “Alright. I…want a divorce.”

  Ami sat down with a thump. Swaba joined her mother, looking miserable. Abba cleared his throat and walked over towards Zoella. He sat down. Cleared his throat again.

  He asked hesitantly, “Is this about…what happened tonight?”

  “No.”

  Fardeen laughed.

  “Of course not. It has nothing to do with Neha. Isn’t that right, honeybun?”

  Everyone looked at him. Fardeen shrugged, tried to sound casual, “You see, Zoella’s been paying all the debts she thinks she owes us. Nothing more.”

  “All debts are paid, both ways. Many times over. It’s done now,” she said.

  “Zoella, beta? What are you talking about? What debts?” asked Abba.

  Zoella squirmed.

  “Zoella?” asked Abba again. “Divorce? I know Fardeen has shown extremely poor judgment tonight but it’s not something that can’t be resolved.”

  “Hey, don’t blame me. It was Zoella’s idea that I get back with Neha. Wasn’t it Zoella?” said Fardeen.

  There was a collective intake of breath.

  Zoella bounced up.

  “So…so this is what you wanted? To put this at my door? Why didn’t you just say so? I’ve done everything else you’ve asked.”

  “Zoella, beti!” spluttered Ami.

  “Fardeen, beta…” cautioned Abba.

  “No, it’s true. Ask her. She said I was perfect for Neha or something,” Fardeen said.

  “People say things in anger,” said Ami.

  “Yeah, they do. They should be forgiven. But it works both ways, doesn’t it?” yelled Fardeen.

  “What do you mean?” asked Ami.

  Guilty and ashamed, Fardeen said, “I…well, I…” He sighed and started again. “I said some horrible things to Zoella I shouldn’t have. I know I was wrong. I’ve apologized. I’ve asked for forgiveness. She won’t forgive me.”

  “Zoella?” said Ami. “Tell me. What happened? Was it really something so terrible that you cannot forgive?”
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br />   Before Zoella could answer Fardeen said softly, “It was.” He looked at his wife and continued, “It was stupid and cruel and I didn’t mean it. I was in a warped state of mind. But that’s no excuse. I know I was wrong. But…”

  He stopped, looking at his mother helplessly.

  Ami said, “Why did you invite Neha here? I don’t understand.”

  “I was angry. And…Zoella said some things. I wanted her to realize she didn’t really mean what she’d said either.”

  “Zoella, I’m sure Fardeen really didn’t mean anything by bringing her here,” said Abba.

  “It’s okay. I don’t care,” Zoella replied.

  Stung, Fardeen retorted, “And why should you? You’re the one who said she was welcome to have me, right?”

  “Yes. I don’t care if you bring her here or if you give her a million rings.”

  “Exactly. After all, you said she could have me. What’s a ring?”

  “Didn’t take you long though, did it?” Zoella asked with a bitter little smile. Cocking her head, she asked with a frown, “What I don’t understand, though, is why make those false declarations to me? What did that accomplish?” She gazed at him, eyes shadowed with pain, and said, “I’m a commodity to you. You can say anything you want to me and it doesn’t mean a thing, right?”

  Fardeen made a strangled sound but words apparently failed him.

  Ami took up his standard.

  “Zoella, give him a chance to explain. He’s been through a lot. You know that. So he did something foolish? So? Men do this all the time. I mean Fardeen’s father…”

  “I’m sure Zoella’s not interested in what I did thirty years ago,” Abba said quickly.

  “It was only twenty five and you flirted with her in front of my face and…”

  “Ami, Abba, please,” Fardeen could barely keep himself from yelling at them.

  His father sighed and shook his head in exasperation. Turning towards his daughter-in-law, he said, “Zoella beta, you’re like my daughter. Don’t you know that? Want me to throw your husband out of the house for the night?”

  “How mature. That’s what’s going to solve all the problems,” replied Ami.

  “Ami? What are you angry at Abba for? Fardeen Bhai brought that woman here not Abba,” said Swaba.

  Ami opened and closed her mouth for a bit then sat back in a sulk.

  “It’s okay,” Abba said smiling. “I did father him. I’m partly responsible.”

  “Maybe you both should solve your own issues first. Zoella and I will wait our turn,” said Fardeen.

  “Don’t be such a smartass,” retorted his father.

  “Wonder who he takes after?” Ami said observing the chandelier.

  Fardeen looked at his parents and said with a grimace, “Zoella? Look at them. In another thirty years we could have this. We could be just as annoying as they are.”

  Zoella gasped out a laugh. Then sobered up immediately.

  Fardeen’s heart wrenched. He said softly, “Zoella, I’ve said many things I shouldn’t have, and you haven’t forgotten any of those. The one thing you didn’t believe is the only one I truly meant, like I’ve never meant anything before.”

  She let out a sound of utter disbelief, “Oh, so you meant it? Really? Is that why you went arm in arm buying her gifts, and then brought her home? Is that why you called me a…”

  She stopped. Glanced at his family.

  “I was hurting when I said that stupid, horrid thing. I was not myself. I said I was sorry. I’ll say it for the rest of my life if I have to, if only you’ll believe me. But you don’t believe me.”

  There was silence in the room.

  Leaning forward, eyes wide, Swaba whispered, “What did you say to her?”

  “Swaba!” exclaimed Ami.

  “Maybe we should go?” said Abba.

  No one moved.

  “They need to talk things out,” he suggested again.

  No one paid any attention.

  All the three women Fardeen loved so much were looking at him like he was a pariah. Abba sighed and looking at Fardeen, shrugged in defeat.

  “I was frustrated and angry,” Fardeen said. “People do stupid things when they’re angry. Maybe I’ve been more angry than most. I used to think I had a reason. But I’m sick of feeling that way.” He turned towards his wife, came and sat down on his haunches before her. Looking into her face yearningly he said, “I want to be happy now. With you, Zoella. I’m so tired of us fighting.”

  Zoella stared at him.

  Swaba snorted and said, “Yeah, you must be, since you didn’t go right ahead and bring a giant bone of contention into your life.”

  Zoella was watching him with her big brown eyes, questioning and hurt.

  “I’m sorry,” whispered Fardeen.

  Zoella swallowed the lump in her throat and said, “You’re not wholly responsible. I shouldn’t have said what I did either. Our marriage is where it is because of both of us.”

  “Zoella, that woman means nothing to me,” Fardeen said softly. “I used her. Whatever happened tonight with her was a set up. Everything was a lie. I thought that might push you enough to see what you were making us lose.”

  “Yeah, really smart move,” Swaba snorted.

  Fardeen turned and snapped, “Why do women think men can’t get hurt? It’s not fair you know,” he said. “People act up when they want attention.”

  “Yeah, people who are under five,” murmured Swaba.

  “Zoella, beta, divorce is not a word to use lightly,” said Abba. “Whatever it is that Fardeen and you have between you, talk about it, try and resolve it. We’re here for you. Don’t you know that?”

  Zoella nodded. Tried to smile.

  “Zee? Talk to me,” said Swaba.

  “I…I’m just…it’s too hard. Is it supposed to be this hard?” whispered Zoella looking at Fardeen.

  “No, it doesn’t have to be,” said Ami. “It shouldn’t have to be. Fardeen and you should be making life easier for each other, not harder. That’s what a marriage is about.” Looking at her son she added, “And Fardeen, words are easy to say. What you did tonight is unacceptable.”

  “Ami…”

  “Right now, I’m Zoella’s Ami. My daughter-in-law deserves better. How do we know you mean what you say?”

  “We?” asked Fardeen, raising an eyebrow.

  Zoella said, “Ami…it’s okay. He doesn’t have to prove anything because we don’t have to continue this…”

  “Yes, I do. I will,” said Fardeen quickly.

  Ami and Swaba beamed.

  “No you don’t, it’s okay,” said Zoella.

  “I’ll do it any way,” he whispered. “I’ll go on doing it, till you’re convinced that I love you.”

  Ami hugged Zoella and got up.

  She said, “We’ll be right in the other room if you need us. But listen to him. Listen with an open heart and mind. I know you’re hurt. Things look different when one’s hurt. But this is your marriage, your husband. And he’s right. We do think that we have all the rights to emotion and men are too insensitive to feel anything. But that’s not true and we both know it. Listen to him.”

  Zoella hugged her back. Silently the trio left the room.

  Fardeen sat down on the sofa across Zoella. She didn’t look up.

  He said solemnly, “I can’t stand the sight of Neha. You saw how she behaved at the exhibition. I bought her a trinket without even realizing that it might be interpreted as anything, because she means nothing to me. I wasn’t even trying to prove a point because I don’t have to. Then she started turning up everywhere. When did I ever show any concern on seeing her? She means nothing to me.”

  Zoella whispered brokenly, “You didn’t have to show anything. I know. You were willing to give up everything for her. Her betrayal destroyed you, not the accident. She’s never been out of your life or your heart.”

  Fardeen took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.

  “You thin
k she destroyed me? You said something like that before. You said she castrated me.” He leaned forward and whispered, “Well she didn’t. She couldn’t. You know why? Because of you, Zoella. When you entered my life and my heart, everything changed. Only it took me a while to realize that. She did nothing to me because you were there. My heart never belonged to her.”

  Zoella shook her head. And Fardeen was gripped with the sudden fear that this might be the end.

  His voice changed, became raw, “You, however, have come very close to destroying me. Saint Zoella, who’ll marry a broken, ravaged man and make him feel like a Prince, came very close to it. Saint Zoella will love with her heart and soul and body. She’ll take all the crap like a stoic and she’ll be Florence Nightingale, and when the time comes, she’ll stand aside if her husband wants to sleep around.”

  Zoella let out a deep shuddering breath. She still didn’t say a word.

  “What she won’t do,” Fardeen whispered, “is believe that she may have broken the curse of the Beast. No, he’s far too damaged. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Very discriminatory in her benediction, my saint, don’t you think?”

  Finally, she looked up.

  “What do you want to hear, Fardeen? What do you want me to say?”

  TWENTY-THREE

  Fardeen replied, “I want you to say that you forgive me. I want you to say that you don’t really want to end this marriage. I love you, Zoella. I do. Don’t do this.”

  Zoella felt drained. Empty.

  Fardeen wasn’t getting away with this. Not anymore. He was not going to get any more free passes from her. If that meant that she was going to lose the last vestiges of her pride to him too. So be it then. Maybe that would sever the ties she still felt with him. Maybe she needed closure.

  Her voice sounded hoarse when she spoke. “I just thought, I’d retain some pride, some dignity if I didn’t say it. But I think I need to say it. You were right. I do love you.” She looked up into his face. “I’ve loved you with every fiber of my being since the time I didn’t even know what that meant. I gave you everything I had without a second thought and I’d do it again.”