An Uncommon Grace

by Serena B. Miller

  Grace was getting ready to go for her morning run. It was drizzling, but she was determined not to let that hold her back. She had jogged through much worse than this during basic training.

  She was doing her stretches on the porch when she heard something down by the river behind their house. It sounded like an animal of some kind in distress. She stopped stretching and trotted down to the swollen creek bed to see what the problem was.

  The river was much closer to the house than it had been before the rains began. It had overflowed its banks and now engulfed most of her grandmother’s back pasture. Fortunately, there was nothing in her grandmother’s pasture. As she followed the sound, she saw that some of Levi’s fence had been shoved down or torn away by the floodwater. And there, standing on a small hillock in the middle of the river, was little Rose the calf, bawling for its mother.

  As it stood there, she could see that the hillock was being washed away in small chunks as the floodwaters rose, and now the poor thing had only a tiny area on which to stand. Its cries were pitiful and she didn’t know what to do for it. Then Grace heard a bellowing and saw that the mother cow was standing near the river’s edge calling to its calf. She couldn’t see the other calf, little Claire, and wondered if it had been swept away while its twin managed to get a foothold on land. But that bit of land was going to be underwater soon.

  The hillock wasn’t far from the waterline. Maybe eight feet total. It couldn’t possibly be all that deep, she reasoned. Her shoes, shorts, and tank top were already sopping wet. It appeared to her that she could probably walk over, pick up the calf, and deposit it back with its mother in less than five minutes. She doubted the water would come up any further than her knees, and she would hate it if Levi lost this calf, especially since it looked as if he might have already lost the other one.

  She glanced toward his house. It might be better to go tell him, but the little thing might fall off its dwindling perch by the time she could get there and back. Levi wouldn’t say anything, but he would probably wonder why she didn’t just get the calf herself instead of being a wimp and walking all that way to get him.

  The water was cold, but she didn’t intend to be in it long. She eased into it and slowly made her way toward the calf. She was correct in thinking it would come up only to her knees—at least for a few feet. The problem was, she was on a steeper incline than she realized, and by the time she reached the calf, she was almost up to her chest in swiftly flowing water.

  It was getting a little scary, but she didn’t want to stop now—not when she was so close. She managed to gather the young animal into her arms, except it wasn’t quite as little anymore. It had gained enough weight that it was a struggle even to carry it, let alone carry it through swift water. Just as she had almost made it to the water’s edge, the little calf, anxious to get back to its mother, kicked hard and flung itself out of her arms. It landed in the shallow water, scrambled a bit, and managed to make its way onto solid ground.

  Its forward thrust against her chest as it leaped from her arms, combined with the slick mud beneath her feet, made Grace lose her footing. She windmilled for a moment, desperately trying to regain her balance before falling backward into the river.

  Even in the time it had taken her to wade in to get the calf, the rain had increased in intensity, and the river had continued to rise. With the weird currents swirling around her, she had to fight to get her head out of the water. She spluttered and gasped for air before she realized that the flooded river was carrying her farther away from the water’s edge.

  She almost felt as though she were being swept out to sea, so strong was the current. Grace could swim, but it had not been her strongest skill during basic training. The current was now swirling her around and around, and she couldn’t seem to get her bearings or her breath as it tumbled her farther and farther down the river.

  She knew better than to go swimming in floodwaters. No one was that stupid. It definitely had not been her intention. Regardless, the fact was that now, for the first time since she had decided to rescue the calf, she realized that she could drown out here and no one would know.

  The mother cow had gotten into the wrong pasture again. Livestock was like that. Each one had a different personality. Some, like people, had to go their own way. The twin calves’ Jersey mother had always had some maverick in her. She gave rich milk, but to her, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. With the fence torn down by the floodwaters, she had managed to lead her calves into a terrible mess.

  He had heard the calf bawling for its mother, seen the problem, and returned to the barn for a rope to tie around a tree and himself before he went in after it. Floodwaters could be tricky.

  When he came out of the barn, Grace was headed down to the river. At first he had been amused when he saw her standing at the edge of the water, obviously worrying about the calf. That was so like the woman. Give her someone or something in distress, and she was there. When he saw her wading into the river, he shouted for her to stop, but with the sound of the bawling cow and calf and the rush of water, she did not hear him.

  Now she was fighting for her life and he was running harder than he had ever run before, hoping somehow to save her. As he ran, he removed his shirt, pulling it up over his head, and flung it away.

  Having a river flowing through a farm had many advantages. It made a natural place for livestock to drink. It helped keep the fields adjacent to it moist, and it could amuse a small boy for hours. Timothy and Levi had grown up horsing around in this river, and in the process both had become skilled swimmers. It was one of the few luxuries he had as a child—a river and parents who let him swim in it when his chores were finished.

  He knew he would need every bit of that skill to rescue Grace. She was starting to panic now—he could tell by the choppy, awkward strokes she was making. Both of them drowning if he went in after her was a real possibility, but the idea of not going in after her was simply not an option. As she floundered about, he sprinted toward a spot several feet beyond where she was. At the water’s edge, he dragged off his boots, dove headfirst into the muddy, churning water, and fought his way toward her.

  Grace was struggling to keep her face above the water. She had given up on actually swimming—the best she could do under these circumstances was to dog-paddle like crazy, just to keep from drowning. She already had fought so hard, and the water was so cold, that her limbs were growing heavy. She didn’t know if she had enough strength left. The current had carried her into the middle of the river, and it seemed to have no intention of letting her go.

  And then suddenly, Levi was beside her in the rushing water.

  “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “I’ve got you.”

  She had thought she was in good shape, but he was so much stronger than she and a much better swimmer. He was also wise enough not to fight the river now that he was with her. Instead of muscling his way across, he used the current to help propel them at an angle toward the river’s edge. With him beside her, the panic subsided, her courage returned—and with courage came renewed strength.

  The biggest problem was dodging the trees and other debris that the flood had ripped up and was carrying away like some sort of macabre trophy. Between the rain and the floodwaters, she barely knew which way was up—except that she had Levi beside her.

  “You can do this,” he said.

  It seemed to take an eternity, but the edge of the floodwaters got closer and closer until eventually their feet were on slippery, water-covered grass, and then finally they collapsed upon solid ground.

  It was then that she began to shake. She was so chilled that her teeth began to chatter. They had floated at least a mile from their homes. Nothing looked familiar. She could not see a road. The only thing that spoke of human habitation was a field where three round bales of hay lay moldering in the rain.

  “Come.” Levi held out his hand.

  At one time, two of the bales had been covered in large t
arps. Those tarps had long ago been ripped partially off by wind and rain. While Grace stood shivering with her arms wrapped around her waist, Levi hurriedly dug a depression deep into the side of one of the bales of hay. Then he lined the large, concave hole with a faded tarp he had torn the rest of the way off.

  “Crawl in here, Grace. There is warmth in the center of this old hay.”

  She managed to curl up in a sort of fetal position while he ripped the other tarp off and climbed into the depression beside her, dragging the second tarp up over them, completely over their heads, shielding them from the rain that continued to pour down.

  The hay did have a sort of warmth to it—she supposed it was probably from decomposition—but although it kept the rain off, the tarp wasn’t much of a cover when it came to warmth. She couldn’t stop shivering.

  “Come here.” Levi gathered her to his chest, warming her with his own body. She didn’t care where the heat came from if it would just make her feel like a human instead of a popsicle. The nurse in her knew that she was very close to hypothermia, and that if Levi hadn’t rescued her and created this makeshift nest for her, she would not have survived.

  The shivering continued. Her teeth were chattering so hard she was half afraid they would shatter.

  His skin was warm and smooth, and his heartbeat strong as she shivered against him. He rubbed her arms, creating friction, trying to get the circulation moving. Finally, finally, the shaking began to subside.

  “Better?” Levi asked as the rain drummed upon the tarp above their heads.

  “A little.”

  “All of this trouble for a small calf?”

  “It looked so pitiful.”

  “And who looks pitiful now?” He lifted a strand of hair away from her face.

  The chattering of her teeth began to ease up. “I’m more than pitiful. I’m half dead. Hypothermia is no joke.”

  Her body gave another involuntary shudder.

  “Your lips are blue.”

  “Wonderful. It’s my favorite color.”

  “But not a healthy color.”

  “No. Not healthy at all.”

  Beneath the tarp, even with the rain pounding upon them, she could see that he was looking at her with an intensity she had never seen in his eyes before.

  “I think we need to do something about that.”

  He dipped his head toward her, just enough to give her the sweetest kiss she could ever have imagined. It took her breath away. She had no idea what to say when it was over.

  He drew back and traced her mouth with his fingers and then he kissed her again. This one sent shock waves all the way to her toes.

  Suddenly, she was no longer cold. She was getting very, very warm.

  “We can’t do this, Levi.”

  He pulled away from her and lay back with his wrist over his eyes. “I know.”

  The rain continued to drum on the tarp.

  “I thought I had lost you when I saw you struggling in the water. Then here you were beside me, alive. I was not thinking straight.”

  “It’s okay,” she tried to reassure him.

  “No. It is very much not okay.”

  As she lay there, trying to assess the damage that had been done to her heart, and his, the rain finally ceased. She pushed the tarp away from her face and sat up. The sun had broken through and the air had warmed up just enough that she thought she might be able to walk home without freezing.

  “We have sunshine,” she said as he continued to lie there with his wrist over his eyes. “Look.”

  Levi did not admire the sunshine with her. Instead, he sat up and looked straight at her. “Against my will and better judgment, I have come to care too much for you.”

  And then he folded up one of the tarps and put it around her shoulders like a shawl, keeping her warm as they walked home.

  Their walk was a quiet one, each deep in his or her own thoughts. Both of them were unwilling, or unable, to verbalize those thoughts.

  They found Levi’s collarless shirt, which he pulled on over his head, leaving the two buttons at the neck hole unbuttoned. Then they found his boots at the edge of the creek and he put them on. Grace was still wearing her running shoes, which squished every time she took a step.

  “Are you still planning on going running?” he asked.

  “I think I’ve gotten my exercise in for the day.”

  “The flooding has done much damage.”

  She wondered if he meant to the fields or to them. She was still shattered by the revelation that he cared for her.

  “Yes, it has.”

  “Mother cow is happy.” He pointed to a corner in the field where she and both calves huddled together.

  “That’s good.”

  When they arrived at the place where she had fallen in, the place where they would part ways, he leaned against a fence post as though he needed the extra support.

  “If I allow myself to care for you, Grace, in the way a man should care for a woman, it would mean leaving my church and my family. I would never be allowed inside my mother’s home again. I would not be allowed to talk with my brothers or my little sister. Ever. Practically all of my Freindschaft—my extended family—would also shun me. It is a harsh rule, but it is a necessary one.”

  “I understand, Levi.”

  “I doubt that. I’m not sure even I understand. I just know that I cannot put my family through the Meidung just because I fell for an Englisch woman.”

  For some reason, that stung. “I’m not just an Englisch woman, Levi.” She placed the flat of her hand against her chest. “I am me. And who I am is a pretty good deal. I’ve never asked you to leave your family. I’ve never asked you for anything. The only thing I have ever tried to do is be a good neighbor and a friend.”

  “Do you care for me?”

  She looked down at the ground and mulled his question over. It would be a kindness to make this man’s life easier. “No, Levi. I don’t.”

  He placed two fingers beneath her chin and tipped her face up until he could see her eyes. And then he asked again. “Do you care for me?”

  She gave a great sigh as she gave up on convincing him of a lie. “Yes, Levi. I’m afraid that I care for you a great deal.”

  He nodded as though having gotten the answer he expected.

  “Now that we know this, we must never be alone together again.”

  chapter TWENTY-TWO

  Levi grasped the reins of his buggy so tightly, his knuckles were white. His mother sat beside him with little Daniel in her arms. The other children rode silently in the back. Everyone, except for Daniel and Sarah, was struck dumb by what had just happened.

  He had known this might happen. He had even known that in all probability it would happen. But he had not expected it to happen with such speed and finality. The bishop had not even allowed him the grace period other members had received before him.

  He had been formally banned by his church. The word banned in connection with himself felt so strange. He was one of the last people in the world he had ever expected to experience it.

  Even his own mother was not supposed to be allowed to have anything to do with him, the bishop had reminded them, unless he recanted and confessed his “sin.” It went without saying that the bishop expected the confession to be a prelude to making things “right” with Zillah.

  He had refused and had continued to assert his innocence. Zillah had tearfully continued to claim that he was the father of her unborn child. The bishop glanced between him and his daughter and came down firmly on the side of his daughter.

  Zillah did an excellent job of acting the part of the wronged, humiliated girl. In all probability, she had been wronged—but it hadn’t been by him, and no pressure his church and bishop could put on him would cause him to recant.

  Levi could see the doubt in the eyes of the other members. He knew that many did not particularly like Zillah. There had been too many small cruelties on her part down through the years, cruelties that h
er father had never witnessed. But no one, including himself, knew of any other man in Zillah’s life. Everyone knew that she had spent a night beneath his mother’s roof. Everyone knew that she had described the inside of his bedroom to her father. There were few secrets within an Amish church.

  Being accused of walking away from his responsibilities after what appeared to be an obvious sin was so against his nature that he barely knew how to feel about being accused of it.

  Every emotion conceivable had coursed through his body when the bishop had publicly condemned him. Humiliation, shock, anger. He had expected to feel all of those things if it ever came to this. But the emotion he had not anticipated was the feeling of total loss and abandonment.

  It had been the strangest thing to look at the sea of faces, people he had spent most of his life among, people he cared deeply about—many of them his own relatives—to look into their gentle, loving faces and see them begin to close down against him. He watched as they deliberately shut him out of their lives.

  The Meidung was a powerful weapon. It was designed not as punishment, as many outsiders thought, but as a way to keep a beloved church member from going to hell.

  The Meidung was such an exacting tool that well over ninety percent of young Swartzentrubers stayed within its fold. The alternative—that of becoming a non-person to nearly everyone they had ever known—was simply too great a price to pay just to own a transistor radio or to put a windshield into one’s buggy.

  The Meidung was so powerful that he could already feel the effect it was beginning to have on his own mother.

  “I did not do this thing that Zillah accuses me of.” Because of the topic, and the humiliation his family had just endured, he stared straight ahead, unable to look his mother in the eyes.

  This was all deeply embarrassing for both of them. Mothers and sons did not talk about such things. Mothers and daughters did not talk of such things, either, if they could possibly help it. Levi resented Zillah for many things right now, one of which was forcing him and his mother to have such an awkward and painful conversation.