by Lois Richer
“I think you’re a very big deal, Jaclyn.” His solemn face told her he was serious.
“It was you and your questions about me earning my right to live that started me asking questions of myself. Because of you, I’m learning what it means to be a child of God, free of expectations from others and myself.”
“That’s good.”
“Yes, because it opened my eyes to something else.” Jaclyn took a deep breath. “I finally accepted that I’m in love with you. I have been for a while.”
“Jaclyn, I can’t—”
“No,” she begged, placing her hand across his lips. “Let me finish. Please?”
He finally nodded.
“I know you’ve suffered. I know you don’t think you deserve love, just as I thought I didn’t deserve life unless I could earn it.” She moved her hand, her eyes filling with tears as she stared at his beloved face. “That’s a lie that we’ve both believed for too long.”
“Is it?” His voice was barely a whisper.
“Yes, it is. You are a wonderful man, Kent. You devoted yourself to your wife, to this ranch, to your father’s dream without regard for yourself. You devoted your time to making Hope a better place to live.”
“I’m no hero.”
“But you are. You’re the only hero I’ve ever known.” She swallowed hard. “You’re full of love and you share it. Who else would have put up with Heddy for so long? Who else would bother to organize an emergency measures plan and make sure the whole town was included?”
Kent’s expression gave nothing away. Jaclyn forced herself to go on.
“Those are just a few things I love about you. Maybe you think you’re incapable of love, but I see you giving love every day—in the clinic, as mayor, as a friend. Whenever I think about my future, you’re in it, Kent, and no matter how I try to pry out that love for you, it won’t go. I love you.”
“You can’t.” His blue eyes blazed.
She had to smile at the vehemence in those words. “But I do.”
“Then you’ll have to get over it because I can’t love you, Jaclyn. I won’t.” His tanned face hardened so it looked like a mask. “And you know why.”
She rose and stood in front of him, mere inches away, determined to force him to explain. “What is it about me you can’t love?” God, please give me courage.
For a moment his hands rested on her shoulders and she thought he would kiss her. Then he shook his head, backing away when she stepped closer. “I think you’re fantastic. If I could be in a relationship with anybody, Jaclyn, it would be you. But I can’t.”
“Maybe you only think you can’t,” she answered, her heart sinking like a stone.
“No. I know I can’t.” He looked over her shoulder, his stare intent, as if he could see the past. “I loved my wife. I loved her more than anything. But I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t protect her. She died because of me.”
“Lisa died because she ran into a fire. You couldn’t have known she was going to do it.”
“I should have known. I was her husband—that was my job.”
“To stop her from doing what she wanted?” Jaclyn shook her head. “Your ‘job’ was to love her, Kent. And you did. Cherish those memories, not the horrible ones you’ve been dredging up over and over.”
She watched a host of emotions flicker across his face. His eyes narrowed and darkened; his jaw tightened.
“Lisa’s not the only one I failed,” he murmured.
“Kent you have to know your parents never thought you failed them.”
“I’m not talking about my parents.” Kent held her gaze, his hands clenched at his sides.
Kent stood, grasped the reins of the horses and handed her one set. He waited as she mounted Tangay, handed her the bag of contest entries and then climbed up on his own horse. His face looked like carved stone.
“Lisa was my last mistake, Jaclyn. It doesn’t matter how much I might care about you, I will never again put myself in a personal relationship where I can fail someone I care about. I couldn’t stand to watch you trying to cope when I let you down.”
“But Kent, Lisa was sick.”
“And I made it worse. I chose this land over my wife. What kind of a man does that make me?”
She didn’t know what to say as she followed him from the sweet peaceful glade back to the ranch. Once there he took Tangay’s reins and told her in cold, hard tones that he had to take care of the animals.
Kent’s good-night sounded like a death knell. On the drive home, Jaclyn could only pray that somehow God would heal him. When she got to her place, she phoned Brianna to tell her what had happened.
“What will you do now?” her friend asked.
“Maybe I’ll—” She stopped and corrected her train of thought. “That’s my old way of thinking, that I could earn his love.”
“I think the question is, Jaclyn, is Kent what you want? More importantly, do you think he’s what God has planned for your future?” Brianna said.
“Yes, to both. I believe Kent is the man God has chosen for me.” The truth of those words sank in.
“So now you proceed to live your best life, walking in faith, being honest with Kent and depending on God’s love.”
“Exactly.” The advice was bang on. “Thanks, Brianna. Sorry I called so late.” She hung up with new resolution.
Jaclyn opened her Bible and reread the sections she’d underlined, pressing the promises into her heart and soul. Then she prayed for God to lead her.
“It’s not over, Kent McCloy,” Jaclyn said fiercely. “Maybe you’ve given up, but I will not let go of you that easily.”
Chapter Thirteen
Through sheer grit and determination Kent finished Whispering Hope Clinic the following day. He attended the grand opening two days later and even managed to give a short speech, but when the event turned into a block party, he left as quickly as he could, pretending he didn’t see Jaclyn watching him, and that he hadn’t been watching her.
But back at the ranch he found it difficult to concentrate. He did little but sit and daydream as his mind replayed Jaclyn’s words of love over and over.
Two days after his rush to get out of Hope, he was back in town, sitting with the old coots on coffee row and hoping to hear something, anything, about Jaclyn. He missed her big smile, her infectious chuckle and the way she always brought him food, as if she thought he was starving.
He missed her voice. He missed talking to her. He missed her.
“What are you doing mooning around here?” Chester Crumb demanded when Kent arrived at his coffee shop Crumb Cakes for the third morning in a row. “Thought you were building some kind of animal refuge or something.”
“Who told you that?” But Kent already knew.
“Doc mentioned last night that you had a hankering to do something like that. Keeps awful hours, she does.” Without being asked Chester served him a piece of steaming apple pie. “You got that done already?”
“Uh, no. I came to town for supplies,” Kent said, knowing he’d now have to go to the building store and get some timber and plywood.
Back at the ranch he changed into his work clothes, faced himself in the mirror and got a grip. First, he needed to focus on clearing up all the things he should have handled long ago. One of those things was the cattle. He picked up his radio and asked his hired hand to come to the house.
“So that’s my price for the cattle,” he said to a stupefied Gordon. “You more than anyone understand Dad’s dream. I hope you’re successful.”
“All of them?” Gordon frowned at his nod. “You’re sure about this?”
“Positive. I failed to make his dream come true but I believe you will.” Kent held out his hand to shake on the deal. “Best of luck,” he said.
“But what are you going to do with the ranch?” Gordon asked.
“I’m not sure yet.”
But he was sure. Kent knew exactly what he was going to do. He’d agonized over it too long. It was time to sell. Only before he did, he was going to build some small rescue shelters for the local wildlife department, something better than their current lean-tos. It would keep him from thinking about the future too much. Since he had the material, he set to work immediately.
By the time the supper hour rolled around and Zac stopped by, Kent had made a good start. He invited his friend to stay for a steak dinner.
“Did you say you’re selling the ranch?” Zac frowned at the steak Kent had cooked him. “Are you nuts?”
“Maybe I am.” Kent appreciated his friend’s concern. “But it’s time. I listed it today. There are too many memories here. I need to break free,” he said.
Zac probably thought he meant Lisa, but in fact, Kent kept seeing Jaclyn—in the kitchen with those ridiculous red towels, chasing after kids at the birthday party, telling him she loved him in the glade. That last one had hounded him through several sleepless nights.
From what he’d heard in town, Jaclyn’s clinic was going great. She belonged in Hope. But he didn’t. He couldn’t avoid her forever and it was getting too painful to see her beautiful face and not pull her into his arms and pretend everything would work out, that he wouldn’t mess up again. So he’d move.
“If you’re leaving, why bother building stuff?” Zac asked.
“They’re a gift,” Kent told him. “And I’m building them because they need them. I’ve talked about it for so long, it’s time to put my money where my mouth is.”
“What about Jaclyn?” Zac’s voice was low and filled with concern.
“I predict a great future for her.” Kent had replayed Jaclyn’s confession of love over and over in his head, amazed that she’d had the strength to confront him with her feelings and loving her for it. Unfortunately he couldn’t do anything about it. That way lay disaster.
“But she’s in love with you. Any fool can see that. Didn’t she tell you?”
“Yes, she did. It might have been easier if she’d never said those words,” Kent told him. “But I’m sure she’ll forget them before too long.”
“That’s not worthy of you or Jaclyn, cowboy. She’s not hankering after chocolate. She loves you.” Zac shoved back his chair and studied him. “What’s wrong with you? Where are all those dreams you used to spout?”
“They’re gone. I’m finished with dreams. I’m digging into reality now and reality means moving on.” Kent pushed away his plate. Not even his favorite food grilled to perfection could ease the ache in his soul. He knew he would never get over Jaclyn LaForge. He rose and carried his plate inside. He had to do something or explode.
“Did you ever get around to reading those Psalms the pastor talked about?” Zac followed him into the house, carting some dishes with him.
“Uh, no, I guess I didn’t. I’ve been meaning to but with the clinic—” He let the excuses trail away knowing his friend saw through them.
“I did. They were quite an eye opener. Maybe you should read them, too.”
Once the meal was cleaned up, Zac excused himself and left, saying that with the end of the school year approaching he was buried with work.
Kent sat in the courtyard listening to the hum of the cicadas.
No matter how I try to pry out that love for you, it won’t go. I love you. Jaclyn’s words.
No, he was not going to go there again.
Kent took Oreo for a walk, but remembered Jaclyn ruffling the dog’s fur. He checked on his chickens and two wolf cubs the wildlife guys had brought him, but that reminded him of the time he and Jaclyn had seen the wolf. He even washed the dishes and dried them on her red towels. Her words would not be silenced.
I love you.
Finally he threw the towel on the counter.
“Please make this go away because I can’t do it, God. I will not take the risk of failing her.”
Unable to even consider sleeping, Kent returned to the courtyard. Mindful of Zac’s words, he took out his Bible and began to read the Psalms from beginning to end. Sometime later the flash of car lights swinging into his yard broke into his meditations. Jaclyn burst out of her car and stomped toward him.
“You’re selling the ranch and leaving Hope.” It was not a question.
“Yes.”
“Because of me. Because I said I love you.” She clapped her hands on her hips and dared him to refute it.
“Partly. But mostly because of me.” He wanted to hug her, to erase the dark circles under her beautiful eyes. “I need to move on.”
“Really. This need hit you all of a sudden, huh?” Her glance was scathing. “Just tell me one thing, Kent. And answer honestly.” She waited until he finally nodded. “Do you love me?”
He gulped. She deserved the truth. It would be the last time they’d talk—he’d make sure of that. He’d attend another church until he sold the ranch. He’d already resigned as mayor. He’d get his groceries elsewhere, anything to keep from hurting her further.
“It’s really not that difficult to answer, Kent. Do—you—love—me?” The moon backlit her figure in a hazy glow.
“I’m sorry, Jaclyn, but I can’t be what you want me to be.” He steadied his voice and continued with resolute determination. “I might love you now but—”
“So you do love me.” Her face crumpled. “Then why won’t you take a chance on us?”
“I can’t. I wouldn’t be good for you, Jaclyn.”
“And the fact that I love you, that doesn’t make a difference?”
He shook his head. Pain raced across her face but he couldn’t let it sway him. He had to protect her. “I can’t be trusted.”
Jaclyn stared at him for a long time. Tears dripped down her cheeks and fell onto the white silk shell she wore. Finally she lifted her head and marched over to stand in front of him, eyes blazing.
“You’re right, Kent. You can’t be trusted. You can’t be trusted because you won’t be honest, not with me and not with yourself.” She dashed away the tears with the back of her hand then reached out and poked him in the chest. “You’re running scared. You’ve hidden out for so long, afraid to really live, afraid to take a chance because something bad might happen. You’re willing to sacrifice our happiness because you’re an emotional coward who won’t take a risk.”
She was furiously, blazingly angry. And he loved her.
“Well, guess what? Something bad will happen. Life isn’t a sure thing. The Bible says ‘Rain falls on the good man and the evil man,’” she quoted. “How dare you tell me or anyone else in Hope to go after our dreams when you refuse to dream at all? Everyone in town looks up to you, but you’re an imposter, Kent. You talk big but you’re afraid to put your money where your mouth is.”
“I guess you’re right.” He wasn’t going to argue. He could take her anger but he would never survive the pain when he failed her.
Jaclyn shook her head at him. “The only sure thing about life is, there is no sure thing. Living is risky, but what’s the alternative?”
He had a hunch she had a lot more to say, but she was cut off by her beeper. Then his cell phone rang.
“I have to go,” she said when he closed his phone. “I’m needed at the hospital.”
“A fire,” he told her as fear snaked down his spine and took up residence in his knees. “Some kids playing with matches started a fire in some brush. It’s out of control and heading for the hospital. They’ve activated the emergency response system.”
“I told you,” she whispered, staring at him. “Bad comes to everyone. No one is exempt. What matters is how you handle it.” She leaned forward and touched her lips to his. “Goodbye, Kent. I
love you.”
It took every ounce of willpower he possessed not to say the same thing to her. But what good would that do? So he climbed in his truck and followed her car down the hill, both of them exceeding the speed limit as, in the distance, the orange-gold haze of flames lit up the desert night sky.
As he drove, Kent prayed that God would keep her safe.
* * *
“They’ve sent word, Dr. LaForge. We have to evacuate. They can’t hold the fire back any longer. We have to move.” The nurse stared at her, fear threading through her words.
“Well, we expected that, didn’t we?” Jaclyn said calmly. “We always take precautions where our patients are concerned. Do you have the procedure sheet?”
The nurse held it out. Jaclyn took it and began directing the removal of patients from the small hospital. Somewhere out there she knew Kent and his men were making every effort they could to put out the flames before they reached the hospital. All she could do was beg God to protect the man she loved and continue doing her job.
Sometime during the removal of the surgical patients, Heddy arrived.
“I thought you were at central control,” Jaclyn said.
“Everything is in order there. They don’t need me. Do you?” She looked scared and very pale.
“Indeed I do.” Jaclyn paused a moment to hug her. “I need someone capable to keep the children calm while we get them out. Can you do that?”
“If I can’t, I’m not much use on this committee, am I?” the older woman sputtered.
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you what a blessing you are to this town, Heddy. Thank you.” Jaclyn gave her another hug. “Go with Nurse Becky, will you?”
Heddy hurried away looking less stressed. Jaclyn answered her cell phone.
“Mom, hi. I can’t talk now. I’m in the hospital in the middle of an emergency evacuation. A fire is threatening the town.”
“What!” Her mother screeched for her husband then asked a flood of questions.
“Mom, I don’t have time. Really. I’ve got to get the kids out of here. I’ll call you later. I love you both.”
