Manage Me: A Vagabond Romance

by J. D. Fox

  "Can you tell me how you found Miss Gleason?"

  "Yes. We'd walked down to the lighthouse a few nights before, so I went that way. I figured she'd go somewhere familiar. I saw Cody hitting her in the face, and I jumped on him and punched him once."

  "Did he lose consciousness?"

  "I believe he did," I said, not caring at all if I'd harmed him permanently, but then thinking I should know if he was alive or not before I continued answering questions about punching him. "Where is he?"

  "He's okay. We had the paramedics take a look before we took him to jail."

  "Great. I mean, I didn't want him to be dead," I lied.

  "Is there anything else you can remember?" The officer asked.

  "I'm not sure. There was a lot going on. Everything happened so fast. I remember thinking that the most important thing was to find her."

  "Well, if you'll write down your information I might have more questions later. Here's my card, and feel free to call me if you think of anything else."

  "Okay, I will, thank you," I said as the officer got up and made his way to the door.

  "I'll be downstairs, if you could let my partner know when she's done."

  After he left, I paced the living room for a little bit and tried to figure out what to do with myself. Dakota's interview was taking much longer than mine, and it was already so late in the evening. Finally, I decided to lie down and take a nap so I could stay up and keep an eye on Dakota when she was done with her interview.

  ***

  "Ryan," I heard Lauren saying as she shook me awake sometime in the middle of the night. "I can't stay awake any longer. Will you sit with her?"

  "Yes," I groggily replied and made my way into the bedroom. "When does she need to be woken again?"

  "Four-thirty. Ask her about this week; it'll be good if she can remember recent events," Lauren said, and went to her room.

  I stood there for a moment looking down at Dakota and remembering the times that I'd looked at her before while she was in bed. This was different. As I stood over her, I wanted to crawl into bed and wrap my arms around her. I wanted to tell her that I would keep her safe and wouldn't let anything bad ever happen to her again. I wanted to do that...but I didn't.

  The words from the nurse had cautioned me as to what struggles Dakota might be going through. Hell, I didn't even know if she really wanted to be with me at all. She'd been through so much. She had so much recovery to deal with, and I wanted to handle myself in the most understanding way possible.

  As I watched her sleep, I knew I needed to let her go if she needed to. She'd been through too much already for me to add any unnecessary pressure.

  I pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed where I could see her and watch her sleep. I set the alarm on my phone, just in case I dozed off, but I sat there watching her breath and hoping that she'd come out of all of this okay.

  "What did we do on our first date?" I asked when I shook her awake at the alarm.

  "Folded laundry," she replied with a smile and went back to sleep.

  My heart filled every time I woke her up. She always opened her eyes, smiled at me and then said a sentence or two. She'd look at me one deeply before going back to sleep. One time she motioned for me to get into the bed with her, but I decided to stay in the chair. I liked being able to see her and I wanted to give her the space that she might need.

  We continued this cycle well into the morning until I finally set the alarm for eight o'clock. The sun was out, and I was exhausted. The night before I'd been so worried about what was going on with her and Cody that I hadn't slept much at all. And the several nights before that seemed like years ago when I'd been in bed with Dakota throughout the night. Oh, how innocent life had been only a few days earlier.

  Chapter 28

  Dakota

  I have never been as scared as the moment Cody caught up to me on that trail. I honestly didn't know whether I would survive the night. I was prepared to kick and fight and try my hardest, but the way he was looking at me had me believing that I was going to die. I thought about my mother back in Michigan. She'd actually told me to move a few days before since it was so much safer out there. As Cody grabbed me, I wished I'd moved back my mother.

  I distinctly remember the moment when I broke my wrist. It wasn't from Cody hitting me, but rather from me getting away from him for a moment and then him grabbing my leg and pulling me back toward him. I fell to the ground, landing on my wrist and the sharp pain shot through my arm.

  I still used that hand to try and protect myself as he slapped me, though. At least he didn't have a weapon, I thought to myself. But a man of his size could still kill me easily. It might take him a minute, but he'd have finished me off.

  When Ryan arrived, I didn't know what had happened at first, but when he started carrying me into the hotel, I knew I was safe. The rest of the night was a blur, but as I woke up and saw Ryan sitting in a chair next to the bed, I still felt safe. He was there, I was okay, and that was all I needed to remember for the time being.

  Everything hurt. My stomach muscles hurt. My arms hurt to lift them. I gasped in pain as I swung my legs out of bed and prepared to stand up. I was trying to be as quiet as possible, but Ryan still woke up. He immediately helped me stand up and hand his arm around my waist as he walked me to the bathroom.

  "Do you want me to get Lauren?" he offered.

  "No, I'm okay in here. Thank you," I said, and shut the door behind me.

  I was pretty sure he was standing right next to the door, and that made it really awkward as I peed, but I was in too much pain to care. I shuffled back over to the door, and Ryan was there to help me back into bed.

  "I'll get breakfast delivered in a few minutes. Do you want me to get a bath going?

  "You need to work, don't you?" I asked, worried about the retreat that was still happening, and all the people here.

  "No, I'm fine. They have it handled. Wendy already texted me to let me know she has everything under control. I think the retreat people were a little shocked by what Cody did and are dealing with all of that internally.

  "I don't want to keep you," I said trying to make sure he didn't feel obligated to be there. "If work is busy I don't want you to miss it. Lauren is here, she can help take care of me."

  "I promise I'll head out to work if I need to, but for now, let me help take care of you. I feel terrible about what happened."

  He felt terrible? I was the one who'd kept him at arm's length and who hadn't told him everything about what had happened with Cody. Ryan didn't have anything to feel bad about at all. He was the one who saved me.

  "I'm sorry," I replied as I sat down in bed and felt the tears welling up.

  The emotions of the last twenty-four hours were too much for me. The way I handled things with Ryan had made him pull away from me. We hadn't talked about any of it since Cody had arrived at the hotel, but I couldn't talk about it now, I could barely think straight I was so overwhelmed.

  My brain felt like it was in a blender. It felt like I was in some sort of fog that wouldn't clear up. As Ryan sat across from me in the chair and gently touched my leg, I just cried more and more because he wasn't hugging me or comforting like I thought he should be doing. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

  It was all so overwhelming. My hands were shaking as I cried and tried to get myself back together so I could explain everything to him.

  "How about I take over?" Lauren said as she stood in the doorway.

  "Yeah, that's probably best for now," Ryan got up and went to the living room while Lauren stayed in with me.

  Oh, how I'd messed everything up. He didn't even want to be in the same room with me while I was crying. I had clearly ruined my chances with him and with everything else going on all I could think of was that I had to try and salvage whatever of us could be salvaged.

  Ryan made me feel safe, and he was there for me. It was confusing though, and I did feel like we should talk about what had happened. Not t
he events when Cody grabbed me but the night before, when he hadn't come to talk to me about the Cody situation at all. I didn't like leaving it all up in the air like we were doing.

  "You need to take deep breaths," Lauren said as she rubbed my back. "It's going to be okay."

  She was calm and comforting too. I was so grateful to have both of them there for me that morning. My body was overloaded from what had happened. My mind, too; I'd never felt so many overwhelming emotions all at the same time.

  Lauren and I sat together in the bed for a while as I tried to get myself back to an emotionally regulated spot. It was hard. My normal ability to control myself didn't seem to be there for me. The more I tried to stop myself from crying, the more I cried.

  When Lauren would rub my back and try to comfort me it just sent me into tears again. It was hard to understand, and yet I knew I had to be kind to myself and let my emotions overflow.

  "Is Ryan still here?" I croaked at one point.

  "Yes, he's out in the living room."

  "Can you make me stop crying so he'll come back in?"

  Lauren laughed for a minute and then went to the doorway. She said something to Ryan, but I couldn't hear between my sniffles and crying. Whatever it was, though, Ryan appeared at the doorway and stood looking at me with such a comforting smile that I did finally stop.

  "Do you want me to come back in?" He asked.

  I nodded my head in agreement. As Ryan sat down in the chair next to me again, I finally found the strength to stop hiccoughing. The emotions were still there, but I didn't want to scare him away and force him into the other room again.

  "Thank you for finding me," I said, and felt Lauren's hand squeezing mine.

  "I knew something was wrong with that guy. I should have listened to my gut. I guess I was thrown off by the secrecy of it all."

  I didn't have words. With Ryan back in the room I didn't want to keep talking about Cody or what had happened. I had screwed everything up by not being honest and upfront in the first place, and I couldn't keep going back to Cody. My brain was exhausted.

  "Did you say we were having breakfast?" I asked forcing a smile.

  "Yes, I will get us all breakfast," Ryan looked happy to have a job and jumped up from the chair. "I'll take care of everything. Give me just a minute."

  "None for me," Lauren added. "I'm out for a bit, as long as Ryan will be staying here?"

  "I'm here for the day," Ryan replied.

  "Who are you having breakfast with?" I asked, just excited to have something else to talk about instead of what had happened to me.

  "Another guest. I met him this week. I'm just gonna check in with him," she winked at me, and I had to laugh.

  "Checking in" had been Lauren's code for sex when she'd been living with her conservative family. She clearly didn't want it known that she was sleeping with someone other than Jacob

  The normalcy of her flirting and winking was exactly what I needed. I laughed, and she gave me a hug.

  "Are you sure you're okay? I'll stay if you need me."

  "I'm fine. I'll probably just end up sleeping anyways. Go have fun. Ryan will feed me and keep me occupied."

  "Yes I will," he replied, proudly.

  Lauren was out the door quickly after getting my permission. It was sort of a relief to be alone with Ryan, though I still had a lot of things I worried about and wanted to talk about with him. But I didn't have the energy at the moment. Instead, I was comforted to have him there without any pressures and his willingness to sit quietly and not ask me questions was very appreciated.

  He flipped the television on and continued to sit next to me while we mindlessly watched a movie. Every now and again he would look over at me, and I would look back at him, forcing a smile and which he'd return.

  There was so much that needed to be said. So much going unsaid because neither of us could muster the strength to deal with all the emotions behind it all. There would be days in the future to talk this all through. There would be moments when I was stronger and more sure of myself, and then I could explain everything.

  When the food came, Ryan eagerly set up the table and then helped me out to sit in the main room. He would have served me breakfast in bed if I'd wanted it, but I didn't want to feel like an invalid. Moving around made me feel better.

  Every muscle in my body hurt so badly. It was a different sort of hurt than anything I'd ever felt. I ached. My joints hurt. My eyelids hurt from crying. This recovery wasn't going to be easy. I already felt that I was going to have to look deeper into myself then just recovering from my visible bruises and a broken wrist.

  "I had them bring extra bacon," Ryan said as he uncovered a whole plate of it. "Just in case you wanted to add it to your sandwich."

  He uncovered another plate with all the ingredients to make a turkey sandwich on it, and I instantly burst into tears. How I longed for that night at the hostel when life was so simple, and the only worry in the world that I had was how drunk my friend was and if this gorgeous man might kiss me that night. It had only been days before, yet it felt like a whole different life to me now.

  I don't suspect that bursting into tears was exactly the response that Ryan hoped to receive when he showed me the plate full of bacon. He watched me intently until I'd calmed down again. I reached out to him and placed my hand on his. I couldn't talk at the moment, I couldn't explain the tears, so instead, I just held my hand there until he looked back at me.

  "I love the bacon," I said, looking at the plate.

  "Do you want me to make you a sandwich?" he asked.

  I could only nod as I looked from him to the plates on the table. He went to work preparing the sandwich. He added mayonnaise to the bread and then expertly stacked the turkey, lettuce, and tomato onto it. Finally, he added the bacon and placed the perfect sandwich in front of me.

  Chapter 29

  Dakota

  For a moment I just looked at it. I could feel the same feelings I'd had that night at the hostel, somewhere deep down. I still wanted Ryan to kiss me. I still felt like he and I could be great together. Yet I had a cloud over me now. A deep darkness that I wasn't sure how to shift Slowly I grabbed the sandwich with my good hand, and as I went to put it up to my mouth, it fell apart. Eating a sandwich as big as this with only one hand was a much harder task than you might imagine.

  Ryan didn't hesitate though. He grabbed a knife and cut the sandwich in half. Then he moved his chair right next to me and grabbed the sandwich in his own large hand, feeding me. He fed me like a man who had taken care of someone in need before. He was slow and gentle. He stopped to hand me some orange juice and even wiped my cheek when the mayo slid onto it.

  "Did your interview go okay last night with the officer? Did they tell you he's in jail now? I don't want to bring it up if it'll upset you, but I also wanted to make sure you knew."

  "Yes, she told me, thank you."

  "I'm sorry," Ryan said as if his words were trying to apologize for everything that had happened to me.

  "I'll be okay," I assured him, and for the first time, I thought it might be true.

  "I wanted to kill him. I wish I would have killed him. I can't believe that he told me you were going with him back to Los Angeles with him and I believed it for a second. I helped him set up that dinner and thought you had agreed to it. I was hurt and unsure of what was happening. I'm so, so sorry."

  "Ryan, you don't have to be sorry. None of this was your fault. I didn't even know he was capable of flipping out like this. I should have told you about his shittiness before, but I liked that you didn't see me as some broken girl who was running away from life. You looked at me like a strong woman who was exploring the world, and that was who I felt like with you. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry about any of it."

  I leaned in to kiss him. I felt the need to have him near me. Despite everything that had happened in the last two days I still wanted Ryan's arms around me. I wanted to feel the comfort of his kiss and the warmth of our bodies toget
her.

  Not that I felt well enough to make love or anything, but I craved the comfort of him. That feeling of safety I had when we were in bed together and his arms kept the worries of the world from hitting my soul. That was exactly what I felt like I wanted at that moment.

  He pulled away, though. Instead of kissing me, Ryan wrapped his arms around me and turned his head to give me a hug. It was a nice hug. I still felt comfort from it , but I also couldn't deny that it was the hug a friend would give to another friend and not the romantic embrace of a lover.

  Embarrassment rushed through me as my cheeks turned bright red and I wondered what I was doing. Here he was trying to be a nice guy and comfort me after a terribly traumatic event, and I was trying to kiss him. I held onto his hug as I closed my eyes and tried to get through the moment.

  Ryan clearly didn't see me the same way he had before. I'd lied to him about my past, and I'd caused so much chaos with this incident with Cody. How could Ryan even consider anything with me now beyond simple friendship? I was foolish to think there could be more or that we could go back to that passion we once had. Too much had happened. We were too far into this new phase to ever be able to go back again. Friendship appeared to be the only option.

  "I'll always be here for you," he said as we continued to hug.

  I pulled away from Ryan still longing for that kiss but embarrassed to ask why he had turned away. We went back to eating our food and sat quietly together with the movie still playing in the other room as background noise.

  Ryan ate his eyes and as many pieces of bacon as he could manage. He took the time to give me bites from my sandwich, and I took over when it was finally small enough to handle with my one good hand.

  Was it all that bad if we remained friends and nothing more? I had to wonder if that was better than the path we had been on in the first place. Our passion might have fizzled out. He would have needed to move on to a new hotel, and I would have wanted to go back to working. We would have been pained by the distance and ended up breaking up in some dramatic fashion. This was going to save us both some heartache. Maybe the reality of life would help me move forward and not be attached to him.