Shattered Dreams

by Rebecca Barber

  “Drew! You’re a dickhead. You know that, right?”

  “Hey!”

  “Nope. You are. Maggie is fucking awesome.”

  “I know she is.”

  “Do you though? Really?”

  “Of course I fucking do.”

  “Good.”

  “Good?”

  “Yep. Means I don’t have to knock some sense into you.”

  “Gee, thanks.”

  “But the million-dollar question, what are you going to do about it?”

  “Ah, that’s where you come in.”

  “I’m going to need a drink for this, aren’t I?”

  ***

  I woke up freezing. My mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls and my head was pounding. That wasn’t the worst of it, though. My back had me moaning and groaning. It was probably my own fault, though. Looking down at my clothing choice, or lack thereof, wasn’t helping the chill in my bones. My pants were missing and I only had one sock on.

  “What the fuck?” I grumbled.

  Forcing myself to my feet, I wobbled as I stretched my hands high above my head. The loud crick echoed through the lounge room. It was no wonder I was cold. The front door was wide open with my keys dangling in the lock.

  Glen was an arsehole. It was his fault we’d stopped drinking beer and swapped to rum. Rum and I had never been friends, and right now was yet another reminder of why. Tugging my keys out of the door, I slammed it shut and wobbled up the stairs, using the wall to hold me up. I stunk. A disgusting mix of stale smoke and beer. You’d be forgiven for believing I’d taken a shower in the shit. My hair was sticky and gross. I couldn’t wait to get in a shower. I’d deal with everything else after that.

  I turned on the hot water letting the bathroom fill with steam. After brushing my teeth, twice, I stepped under the spray and let it beat down on my back.

  After a huge breakfast of bacon, eggs, mushrooms and hash browns, I started to feel human. I found my pants, wallet and phone and was happily surprised. Checking my phone, I groaned when I unlocked it. Around three this morning, I’d done the most stupid thing I could’ve done. I texted Maggie. I’d been drunk and dumb and I’d texted her.

  Drew: I miss you

  Drew: Come home

  Drew: I hate being in our bed without you

  Drew: Why aren’t you answering?

  Fuck me sideways. I was an embarrassment.

  What made it feel like a kick in the nuts, though, was I could see that she’d received them. She read them. She hadn’t replied. Not that there was anything worth replying to. Not that I even deserved a reply. But still… “Fuck!” I bellowed through the empty house, the pained sound bouncing off the walls.

  I was lying on the lounge, dozing in front of the football when the doorbell rang. Opening up, I was greeted by the most beautiful sight in the world. Maggie was standing there, huge sunglasses covering half her face, a pair of jeans that I’m sure as shit I would’ve remembered seeing her wear before, a navy woollen jumper and, dangling from her hand, a brown paper bag. One that I knew contained hot, oily and delicious chips. And if I was really lucky, a juicy big hamburger.

  “Mags.” I couldn’t help but smile. Despite the migraine and sleepy haze lingering over me from an interrupted nap, there was no one I’d rather see.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Of course.” Feeling like a fool, I stepped back, making room for her. While she wasn’t looking, I brushed the crumbs from my shirt and ran a hand through my hair.

  “Here. I bought you something.”

  “Thanks.”

  “I thought you could use it.” When she smiled, one of her sneaky, I-know-something-you-don’t-know smiles I suddenly wasn’t hungover anymore. If anything, I felt like I could fly.

  Opening the bag, my stomach rumbled at the smell. If I hadn’t known Maggie was perfect before, seeing the burger and fries in the bottom of the bag would’ve proven it. Grabbing a fistful of fries, I stuffed them in my mouth as I wandered back into the lounge room and flopped into the chair.

  “This is great.”

  “Enjoy.” She was lingering in the doorway uncomfortably. Maggie looked like she wanted to sit but wasn’t sure she should. She was caught in no man’s land. Indecision was making her miserable and me on edge. This was complete bullshit.

  “You going to join me?”

  “I really shouldn’t.”

  “Why?”

  “I should just go get my stuff and get out of your hair.”

  That did it.

  It pushed me too far.

  I’d had too little sleep and too much bullshit to be able to deal with this for another second. Dropping the bag where it was, I stood up and stomped over to where Maggie was hovering. Without a word, I bent down and hoisted her over my shoulder.

  “Drew!” Maggie squealed in what I chose to believe was a mixture of shock and amazement. I don’t think I’d ever picked her up like this before, and having her sexy, denim-clad arse only centimetres from my face had me questioning why. “Put me down!” Maggie wiggled, and I just tightened my grip. Fuck I liked having her in my arms and at my mercy.

  Setting her down on the couch, I came down on top of her, pinning her in place. “Maggie. I’m over this, so I’m only going to say this one last time, so you better listen and listen good.”

  Beneath me, I felt her whole body go rigid as she sucked in a breath, waiting for me. “This is your home. You live here. You don’t need to ring the doorbell and sure as shit don’t need to ask if it’s okay if you stop by.”

  With a sigh, her eyes fluttered shut, and I fought the urge to keep talking. Keep demanding. Keep pushing. It was pretty fucking clear what I wanted. All I could do was be as patient as I could and wait for Maggie to get with the program and figure out she wanted exactly the same thing.

  “Drew…”

  She didn’t get another word out. I don’t know if it was because I was too afraid to hear it or if it was because I just couldn’t not kiss her. Lying there beneath me, all warm and soft and smelling like home, Maggie’s pink lips were like a drug I was addicted to.

  When her hand found purchase against my chest, I eased up. Just. Pulling back wasn’t easy. It wasn’t something I wanted to do. If anything, it was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. Instead, I let Maggie push me off her and sit up. With her hair rumpled and her cheeks flushed, she looked like my idea of heaven. My dick was as hard as steel in my sweats, and I knew Maggie had felt it. There was no way she could’ve missed it. The bloody thing was tenting my pants and weeping.

  Forcing myself to step back, I put some distance between us and sat back on the other couch.

  “We shouldn’t….” Maggie started, and I could read the regret in her eyes. A minute ago, her beautiful, blue eyes had been dark with passion, but the moment had passed and now that passion, that lust, the want was gone leaving regret and pain in their place.

  “Why not?” As soon as I said it, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to say but damn it, I was getting tired of trying to do the right thing. The right thing was for Maggie to stop fucking around and come home. Home to me.

  “Drew. We’ve been through this. Nothing good can come from us hooking up.”

  “Hooking up?”

  “Getting together. Sleeping together. Fucking. Screwing. Letting our basic urges rule us. Call it what you like, but I don’t think it can fix this.”

  “It sure as shit won’t make it worse,” I muttered, thinking of my blue balls. I was getting calluses on my hand from all the action it’d been seeing lately, but it was a poor substitute for my sexy-as-sin wife.

  “I’m going to go get some of my stuff.”

  I let her go.

  Chasing her would’ve been dumb. Dumber than even I was.

  I mean, there was no doubt I was an idiot, I’d proven that time and time again. Hell, that was the reason Maggie was upstairs packing her suitcase, but I was trying to be better. My God I was trying.

&nb
sp; I could hear swearing and cursing echoing down the hall followed by a heavy thump. “Everything okay up there?” I called out as I paced the bottom of the stairs.

  “I’m fine,” Maggie grunted.

  She wasn’t fine. She was, however, stubborn. That, I’d learnt a long time ago. Maggie might have changed in the past couple of years, but nothing could change that. It was something I both loved and hated about her.

  Grabbing my phone, I clicked open the app and ordered dessert. Maggie had bought dinner over, the greasy fries I was shovelling in like I hadn’t eaten in a week but I could organise dessert. And I knew just what to order. In the next suburb over, there was an Italian bakery that made the worlds best cannoli’s, at least that’s what Maggie claimed. Thankfully they delivered. After ordering a selection with all the extras including a thick, chocolate fudge sauce that I’d never been able to turn down, I felt a little better. If I couldn’t convince Maggie to stay, then hopefully the pastry would. It was going to take every ounce of charm I possessed, to make her want to stay. Especially once she found out what I’d done. The fear of her reaction was real and had my balls shrivelling up.

  Trying to calm my nerves, I sat back down on the couch and started flicking through channels. It didn’t help. Nothing captured my attention. Not the comedy or the car racing. Not the football or even the countdown of Australia’s top eighties bands on the music channel.

  “Have you seen my jeans?”

  Maggie had snuck up behind me, pretty much scaring the shit out of me when she’d spoken, making me leap from the couch and clutch at my chest. “Damn it, woman! Would you wear a bell or something?”

  Through the giggle, Maggie apologised. In that moment, I realised she could sneak up on me every day for the rest of our lives, I could literally shit my pants when she did and I wouldn’t have cared. As long as she made that sound each and every single time, I’d die a very happy man.

  “I didn’t mean it.”

  “Yeah, yeah. Sure you didn’t.”

  “I didn’t. Promise.” The sneaky smile showed how impressed with herself she was.

  “What’ve you lost?”

  “Oh, yeah. Have you seen my jeans?”

  “Which ones?”

  “The dark blue ones.”

  “The ones with the sparkles on your arse?”

  That brought the pink to her cheeks. It was a good thing I was sitting down. The mischief in her eyes and the suspicious smirk pouting her pretty pink lips had me hardening in my pants. Something it seemed didn’t take much these days when Maggie was close by. “They were in the laundry on the clothes horse.”

  “Thanks.”

  When the doorbell rang again, I jumped up, fished some cash from my wallet and took the pile of boxes. After setting it down on the coffee table, I grabbed some drinks and plates.

  “Something smells good,” Maggie said as she sat her stuff down just inside the door. “Well, I think that’s enough for now, but at some point, I’ll need to come back and get the rest.”

  Even though the whole room smelt like chocolate and enough sugar to send me into a coma and my stomach was rumbling loudly, suddenly I wasn’t hungry. Guilt and fear were overriding hunger. I can’t believe I was so nervous. So afraid. When had I become such a wuss?

  Even though the words tasted like bile, I forced them out. “How’s the apartment hunt going?”

  “Ugh.”

  “That good, hey?”

  “Let’s just say it’s a jungle out there.”

  “You can always stay here. The offer is still open.”

  “Drew.” She sighed heavily. I knew Maggie well enough to know she was tired of having the same argument, but it didn’t deter me. The smart thing would’ve been to let it go. Thank God no one had ever accused me of being smart. “We’ve talked about this. Space, remember?”

  “I know. Can’t blame me for trying, right?” Focusing on the box, I flicked it open and grabbed the broken end from the box, popping the vanilla filled pastry in my mouth. “Want one?”

  “That’s from…”

  “Yeah.”

  “You know I can’t turn their cannoli down.”

  “It was all part of my devious plan,” I said with a wink as I nudged the box towards her. When Maggie grabbed the pistachio one, flopped into the sofa and toed off her shoes, I actually felt like this might just work.

  “Oh my god this is good,” she mumbled around a mouthful. Fuck me she was adorable.

  We moaned and groaned and licked the sugary goodness from our finger tips. When Maggie smacked her lips and darted her pink tongue out the corner trying to get the stray chocolate sauce on her face, the groan that escaped from me had nothing to do with dessert. Wishing I’d put on underwear beneath my sweats, I shifted in my seat, trying to hide the tent forming there.

  With one left lying lonely in the bottom of the box, I sat back and rubbed my belly. I was done. I was so full and right now a nap sounded like pure heaven.

  “Wow! That was… delicious.”

  “They always do a good job.”

  Ordering Maggie’s favourite dessert, the one she loved but rarely let herself indulge in, may have been my greatest move yet. She looked so relaxed, so satisfied, she’d completely given up trying to race out the door and get as far away from me as possible. I was marking that one down as a win.

  Diverting the conversation back to where I needed it, I asked again causing the contented-cat look Maggie had been sporting to morph into one of defeat. “Not great. I looked at a couple. They were… let’s just say interesting. Yeah, interesting. Let’s go with that.”

  “They’re in a good area?”

  “One didn’t exactly make me feel safe…”

  “Maggie…” Even though I already knew all of this, I needed her to take her safety as seriously as I was.

  “Don’t worry. I didn’t even put in an application on that one.”

  “Oh. Okay. Good. What about the others?”

  “I applied for two, one looks like it was held hostage in the 70’s.”

  “And the other?”

  “Let’s just say this room is bigger than the whole apartment.”

  “And you applied for it?”

  “Yeah. I had to. I’ve got to find somewhere. I mean, I love Mum, you know I do…”

  “But she’s driving you crazy.”

  “Something like that.” She smiled her mischievous smile and it squeezed something in my chest. Even after all these years, after everything we’d been through, she didn’t fail to affect me. “I’ll just wait and see. Hopefully, I’ll get one of them.”

  “Don’t get your hopes up.”

  Maggie’s eyes narrowed as she stared at me, her lips set in a harsh line. “Excuse me?”

  Trying to extract my foot from my mouth, I knew I was walking on uneven ground. Uneven and very dangerous ground. “I just don’t want to see you disappointed.” I couldn’t meet her eye. I didn’t want her to see my lies and, for some reason, I was convinced that if she looked at me, really looked, I’d spill my guts and confess.

  Spitting out every word, Maggie asked, “Drew… what have you done?”

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  MAGGIE

  He’d done something. I knew he had. He couldn’t hide that guilty look if he paid someone to wear it for him. Drew had always had a shit poker face and it definitely hadn’t improved. “Drew…”

  “Nothing!” he deflected quickly. Too quickly.

  “What are you up to? Why are you so interested in where I live?”

  “Am I not allowed to care? Because I do, Maggie. I care. I don’t want you living somewhere that’s not good enough for you. You need to be safe.”

  “We’ve been through this.” And honestly, I was starting to get really tired of having the same argument. It was getting old. The sooner I found somewhere, the better. We could move on from this discussion and talk about something else. Anything else. “So, I want to know… what are you up to?”

  Ins
tead of answering, Drew started cleaning up. Packing away the empty glasses and pizza box, he ducked into the kitchen. Either he thought I was stupid, or he didn’t think I had the balls to keep pushing for an answer. Either way, he was underestimating me. Stomping into the kitchen, I followed him, cornering him against the sink.

  “Do not run away from me. Tell me, Drew. What are you up to?”

  “Shit!”

  “Tell me. Now!”

  “You’re not getting those places.”

  “I’m not?” Even though I’d had my suspicions when he started acting odd, hearing him confirm it was kind of weird.

  With a shake of his head, Drew leant back against the sink and folded his arms across his chest. Arms I missed being wrapped in. Arms I missed holding me and promising me everything would all be okay. Arms I craved. Trying to ignore the appeal and hold onto my temper, I pinned him with a menacing glare. It must have worked because barely a minute later he was spilling his guts.

  To say I was stunned was an understatement. Not only had Drew compromised my application but he’d recruited help. Help from people who should’ve been on my team. People who should’ve had my back. I wasn’t surprised Glen was involved; it wouldn’t have taken much for Drew to convince him, but he wasn’t the one that really disappointed me. No, that spot was reserved for my mum. My own mother, the woman who’d given birth to me, the woman who was biologically required to be on my side had turned traitor. Even after knowing my whole sad story, she’d still sided with him.

  “Mum?”

  “She told me which ones you’d submitted,” he answered sheepishly. At least he had the decency to look ashamed, I guess. Not enough to not have done it though, but I guess it was something.

  “Why?”

  “Because Kristie wouldn’t…”

  “Kristie?” I don’t know that I would’ve been able to cope if she was part of the conspiracy. She was my person. The one I’d run to less than a month ago when Drew had shattered my heart and up-ended my world. She was the one who held me while I fell apart. If she wasn’t on my side, I don’t know how I’d keep going.

  Sensing my fear, Drew confirmed, “She wouldn’t help me. Kristie can be scary when she wants to.”