Flight of the Maita Supercollection 3: Solving Galactic Problems Collector's Edition

by Moulton, CD

  –If it's in common use the person will know it, Airbrain! If you could think I don't believe I could stand it!–

  "You two don't start," Z said. "I have to agree, though."

  "It's a simple thing to not allow a term to go unremarked simply because I understand it, too," the judge said. "I'll draw up a paper for the other judges in the kingdom. Yes and No can sign it. So can Boss and Extrx. Fale can start spreading the word. It can take the paper to King Dihn, who can make it a decree.

  "It's strange how little one can see from inside a closed room."

  –Is that supposed to be deep or something? In case you don't have the smarts to realize it Yes and I ain't got no hands so how the hell are we supposed to sign anything, Bonebrain? I can't believe....–

  "Knock it off!" Z ordered. "Extrx and I will sign the paper and will deliver it to King Dihn ourselves. I want to meet him. Have Fale bring us our copy tomorrow morning. It can take copies to the other judges in the area. We can meet with King Dihn and be back here in two days at the most."

  They all agreed to that. The group, followed by many people and young children, decided to walk around the town for awhile to see what changes had taken place. They were walking around by the fountain in front of the castle gate when Ehrak suddenly grabbed Z and threw him into the pond around the fountain, jumped on the lip, yelled "YAHHH!" and dove in on top of him before he could get to his feet. The crowd screamed their delight as the two wrestled in the water. Soon one of the palace guards took off his clothes and jumped into the pond, saying his great grandfather, Ward, once wrestled in that same fountain with these same demons.

  Ehrak jumped on his back and ducked him. He expertly threw the Zeenan over his head and returned the ducking. Soon there were so many people in the tiny pond no one could move. It was a great excitement to be able to wrestle with these demons just like in the legends.

  Thing was forced to float above with the golems yelling encouragement. To join the fun would mean leaving the floater and the time wasn't right for that yet.

  When they were all exhausted they climbed from the pond, talked for a few minutes with the children, then climbed into the clamshell floater Thing had called. They waved goodbye as they rose toward their castle. Fale flew alongside with the papers for them to sign, then returned to the court to get copies to take to Fethren and other close towns. Z read the one they were to take to King Dihn:

  Decreed – That there has been an influx of terminology into the court system that tends to separate the court system from the normal business of the people of the kingdom.

  This has been a slow and insidious incursion over a period of more than two hundred years. It has been unnoticed by most judges until this time, when the demon-wizard Boss and his golem and demon friends and associates have drawn it to the forefront of discussion.

  Therefore – Be it decreed that all judges will henceforth note any terms not in common usage and will purge those terms from use in his or her courtroom.

  Further – That such terms will be listed by the judge.

  Further – That those lists will be circulated to Loosta so the Supreme Judge may make a master list of those terms to be supplied to every court in the land.

  Beware of those who would corrupt the courts!

  Thanks are offered to the golems, Yes and No, to the demons, Maybe and Extrx, and to the demon-wizard, Boss, for bringing this matter to the attention of the courts.

  Judge Jeft of Teeme

  "I'll add ... no, we can suggest it directly to King Dihn," Z said. "Well, Thing, you said the lawyers would find a way to influence cases. They did it with language."

  [ Lawyers are lawyers. That's how they think. Will we take the clamshell to Loosta, Maita? ]

  *Yes. It's something that's expected, I suppose. That was a brilliant thing, Ehrak, to start the playing in the fountain. It was exactly the touch to put you right back where you were before in the people's minds – a bunch of irresponsible clowns who enjoy life. You made a hell of a lot of friends for us by doing that!*

  "Ever since I got Tom's memory it's been the one thing I've wanted to do," Ehrak replied. "It's the sort of thing friends do. It was fun!

  "I guess we can't do it again. Every time we get close to that pond everyone will pile in."

  [ It was nice that a direct descendent of Ward was there. I remember the first time you were all in that fountain. It was Ward who said you guys were all crazy! I think that was the time when Tlorgians decided they could actually learn to like demons. THAT was certainly important! ]

  *It pointed out to them that demons were as much people as they are no matter how different. They already knew the demons never had choice in what they did before. The sorcerers could keep them from ever going home.*

  "Damn!" Z suddenly cried. "Thing needed to know the nexus points for Hades. We were right there with Burl. We should have asked him."

  [ No, Z. We must never do that. It's a thing you would be expected to know. To ask would make Burl become very suspicious of us. ]

  *I know the method's in the writings of Kene. I'll get those writings when we're in Loosta.*

  [ Heleemius would know. When he appeared as the magician, Martin, he learned all the points immediately. We could ask him next time he's around. ]

  Heleemius was one of the people known simply as M-82nds, as their phonetic name was a particularly vulgar and disgusting term in Maitan sounds. They had escaped the exploding galaxy millennia past, but became trapped in two planal aspects at once by the drive they used and the influences of galactic drift currents. They could no longer break into any one plane so couldn't live a normal life. Neither could they die except by what amounted to dephasing the interplanal mode and that could be disaster on two planes. They steered many evolving cultures as a way to pass the centuries. One of them had even been the seer, Apollonius of Tyana, and the magician, Merlin, on Earth, as well as the same kind of legendary figure on Zeena. He was the Tlorgian counterpart, Martin, at the time the crew was there before.

  "We seldom see any of the M-82nds anymore," Z said. "They have their own jobs and we have ours. Maita could locate a sorcerer who knows the process and use the probe on him while he sleeps. Tee knew the points for Targ and Frome, but not Hades. We'll get them, but I don't see why it's so important."

  [ Because what Maita said is so literally true. Talk about proof of solipsism! If I can't break the theory I'm left with at this point I'm the only being in the omniverse! I'm truly and irrefutably the figment of my own imagination! ]

  "Or we're all the same thing," Ehrak countered. "We're all a figment of MY imagination!"

  *Something's obviously false in that. I didn’t have an imagination for the first few centuries of my existence.*

  [ Unless your imagination created the whole mess as of this instant? Including the memories? Weird! ]

  *Oh, wow! That's true! Weird!*

  They spent that night in their private rooms, Z sleeping quickly and completely, Ehrak with only slightly less ease and Thing not at all. It worked on math problems. It didn't require much in the way of sleep.

  In the morning the subject was the same theory. They discussed the likelihoods of various things for awhile, then prepared for the trip to Loosta.

  "This is silly!" Z exclaimed as they went to the floater. "It doesn't make any sense at all!"

  [ You don't know how much I hope you're right. Shall we be on our way to Loosta? ]

  They got into the clamshell to head for the capital city. As soon as they were away from the possibility of being seen, the floater would go supersonic so the trip would take only a few minutes. Those minutes were spent in discussion of whether or not more than one person would have to be imagining all of them. They decided they couldn't know. As they came close to Loosta Z finished the discussion with a quote – or as much of it as he could remember – from his past:

  “And which, then, is real, the dreamed or the dreamer? Upon awakening, which will remain? Who will awaken, the dreamed or
the dreamer?"

  [ Where did you read that one? ]

  "It was a paper I once did in a philosophy class," Z answered. "The subject was the same one you mentioned back at the castle. Solipsism.

  "I'd read an SF story that ended with the punch line, ‘...then I must be a figment of my own imagi....' “

  *Cute. We're here.*

  –Where in the nine hells else would we be, Platinum Pate? For a machine you certainly don't have much grasp of logic! Consider what the damned term means, then refrain from saying it!–

  [ I take it we're to get back into character. ]

  "Take it where?" Z quipped.

  Thing wrapped its tentacles around him. [ I think I'll do the longterm study on the colors you turn when your air's cut off now! ]

  +Please! No violence! It's too fine a day for argument!+

  –In case you haven't noticed it's raining like on Drove (A world famous for storms) outside, Tinhead! I hope it ruins your shine! A little extra corrosion might short circuit something and give you a tiny ability to think!–

  +Perhaps we'll be lucky and lightning will melt you into slag!+

  –Aren't you supposed to be the nice one?–

  "Ahh! Stow it!" Z ordered as the lid opened. It was, indeed, raining.

  They climbed out of the clamshell and Z told it to sit in the top of a nearby tree until it was called (For the benefit of the two palace guards who came trotting up. One of them was a demon of very fierce countenance. This would be a Targ).

  "Boss?" the guard asked. "Ve're to escord you to King Dihn. The Frome dold us you mighd be coming here."

  [ Really? How could a Frome have beat us all this way? ]

  "One came to tell King Dihn you arrived and placed your castle on Teeme Mountain during the night," the other guard answered. "It was here less than an hour ago. The message was relayed from town to town by the Fromes. It's true that it takes many days to come to Loosta from Teeme by road through the mountains, but the flight takes only fourteen hours. I understand Fale told Korp in Fethren, who told Yan in Highpoint, who told another and so forth. They fly all night, you know."

  "Well, I'm Boss," Z introduced. "This is Maybe, Extrx, Yes and No."

  "I'm called Lars," the Tlorgian replied. "This is Linx.

  "I see you've had a meal in there. King Dihn and Queen Yilv will be relieved. They aren't sure about the foods you prefer."

  –Fuzzface here likes anything with lots of spicenuts, as you can smell. He sweats the stink of that crap!–

  +Now, No! Be nice! You do tend to smell of the spicenut though, Boss. Perhaps Maybe can give you something to make you, er....+

  –Not quite so offensive – in smell. I suppose you'll always be offensive in the other ways.–

  "You're hardly the one to note offensive traits in anyone else!" Z returned. "You two shut up.

  "Do you have something to freshen the breath, Maybe?"

  Thing took a capsule from under its robe and handed it to Z, then sprayed him with a little atomizer jar.

  "Yugh!" Ehrak complained. "Now he smells like honey-flowers! I prefer spicenuts, I think!"

  [ Oops! Wrong one! Here. ]

  It sprayed him from another bottle. He now smelled like the needlepines.

  "That's better," Z said. "Shall we go? I'm anxious to meet King Dihn. I've heard a lot of good things about him."

  They joked and laughed as they went into the palace to be led into a large dining room. The king and queen were just then entering through a side door.

  "Hello! I'm Kar and this is Yilv!" the king greeted. "Welcome! You'll be Boss, Extrx, Maybe and the golems. Which is Yes and which is No?"

  –What the nine hells difference does it make to you, Mealymouth?–

  "Shut up!" Z demanded.

  "Ahh! As per the accurate description of Clept! You're No, the obnoxious and shallow one!" King Dihn said, grinning. "That means you're Yes. Glad to meet you."

  –Hey! Who the hells you calling obnoxious, Slugbreath?–

  "You, Pukeface!" King Dihn replied as loudly. "And I didn't call you obnoxious, I merely noted that you were obviously the one DESCRIBED to me in that manner. Your reaction shows me how accurate the description was!"

  –You know, I like you! You're the only one here with the guts to say what you think!–

  "Great flying Fromes!" Yilv cried. "You've really reached the bottom if that one likes you, Love!"

  +Ah-hah! SHE'S as gutsy as King Dihn!+

  This reminded Z of King Lear more than anything. He had been very open and likeable. Kar did look like Obe Lear too, though Wald had been more reserved than Yilv apparently was.

  "As my ancestor, Obe Lear, pointed out, I'm not your king nor the king of the other demons so you can just call me Kar," King Dihn suggested.

  –WE never had the great displeasure of meeting Obe. WE were expected to run that stupid court in Teeme!–

  +Which reminds us. We brought you an official court proclamation from the judge in Teeme. No, for once, made a good point after we observed the courts there. A thing has slowly evolved, but could have some very deleterious effects on the system of jurisprudence.+

  –Great, as the broad said, flying Fromes! Can't you just say we saw something that could wreck the system if it ain't fixed? Sheesh!–

  "You two shut up!" Z ordered. "You watch your tongue or, so help me Martin, I'll melt you down for slag! Queen Yilv is NOT a broad!"

  "Oh, I don't mind," Yilv said. "I've been called worse – but not BY worse!"

  Kar read the decree, nodded, and told Linx to give it to the supreme judge for distribution to all the courts, then escorted the group around the city. Yilv came along with them, playing the one-upmanship game with No while the rest of them discussed whatever subject happened to come up. Occasionally a Frome would fly to them with a message and would leave with Kar's reply. The king was at home with the strange beings and seemed rather fond of a couple of them. The group stayed for two days, then headed back to Teeme.

  When they were clear of the city and traveling at supersonic speed Z asked if Maita had gotten the planal things it needed from Kene's notes.

  *Not a damned thing! That sorcerer wouldn't leave the room! I couldn't send a floater in to read them!*

  [ Well, back to plan two! Why didn't you put the wizard on the probe? ]

  *Because he was never alone. I still have to determine those points!*

  Z grinned and shook his head.

  Report of Trouble

  It was after dark when the group arrived back "home" to the castle. Maita warned that Fale was waiting at the landing area for the clamshell so they would have to stay in character. The floater sat gently in its area and opened. Fale was asleep against the balustrade by the tower entrance.

  "Fale, my friend," Z chided, waking the demon. "You would have been much more comfortable inside. You shouldn't be out in this night cold."

  "I would nod go indo zhur home when zhu are nod zhere!" Fale protested.

  [ You're welcome at any time. Just go into the tower there and tell the device you wish to go to the main rooms. Come on, we'll show you. ]

  "Bud zhere are gread dreasurez zhere!" Fale cried.

  "They're all wizard's gold and wizard's jewels," Ehrak argued. "Besides. We know you aren't a thief. You can either come in through the tower or you can land in the courtyard. The inner doors are always open."

  They all went into the tower room where Thing said to take them to the main hall. Maita lowered the elevator that was the room and they went in to a large meal on a large table. There was food for the Frome as well as for the others.

  "You can eat anything in the white, blue or green dishes," Z instructed. "The others may contain things that could be poisonous to people from Frome. Maybe can't have anything in green dishes, I can't have anything in an orange or red dish, Extrx has a system much like mine, but can't have anything in the blue dishes. He can have things from red dishes.

  "What I'm saying is that each of the planes has
different requirements so we try to supply food for anyone from any plane if we know they're here. You will find the foods to be very unusual and very good."

  "Bud zhu didn'd even know I was here undil zhu zhusd came!" Fale said.

  [ The castle knows. It prepares the foods. Is this a social visit or do you have a message? ]

  "I zhusd was subbosed do dell zhe zhudge when zhu god back," Fale answered. "Zhu zaid do days zo I was waiding. Id is very comfordable for me here and I was dired from zhe flying wid zhe babers. If I am here zhere are no udder zhingz for me do do!"

  –Lazy! That's the trouble with the world!–

  "Bud I was flying for almosd dree days!" Fale cried.

  +Don't pay any attention to No. He spends most of his time sleeping so never gets tired. I think you've done a truly exemplary job!+

  –Ahhh! You wouldn't know....–

  "Shut up!" Z snapped. "No tends to feel inferior to you because your existence serves a definite purpose and its own doesn't.

  "Try some of these cakes! They're delicious! It's made from a meal called amaranth."

  [ Don't take what the golems say seriously, Fale. They just feel they're obligated to make everything into some kind of show. The judge won't be awake until morning anyhow so you can stay here for the night. ]

  They stayed together awhile to talk and joke. Fale had a good sense of humor and even began to make a few snappy comebacks to No's acid remarks. Before they went to sleep, Fale said, "I zee what id iss wid No. Id zhusd wands do dry do have zhe lasd word. Queen Yilv iss like zhat, doo. Id musd have been fun zhere wid her!"

  [ Ha! She made No appear exactly the kind of fool it is! ]

  –I'll fool you you ball of grazer turd! I'll show you.... Wwwoooo! Yuhuhyuh gurg! Mmmeeeh!–

  Thing passed a tentacle over the head, which was suddenly coated with ice formed from the air. Maita drew so much heat from it the air froze when it touched. The floater left the room with Yes lecturing No on the stupidity of messing with Maybe. The last they heard was No's voice from the hall yelling, –AHHHH! SHUT UP!–

  Fale was delighted with the show, then they each went to their own rooms. Maita had a servo build a perch for Fale in a room and adjusted the temperature to what was best for it.