Everything She Wanted

by Jennifer Ryan

  “What?”

  “They knew about your sister’s affair with Donald, but not that they had a son.”

  “Huh. I assumed she knew about Alex even though Margo didn’t think so. Donald always said he and his wife hadn’t been close in years. I hoped she knew the divorce was inevitable. Donald promised for over a year to make it happen, but put it off for one reason or another until he did it without really telling Margo his intentions.”

  “So, it came out of the blue.”

  “In a manner of speaking. Evan has gotten into trouble a ­couple of times over the last few months.”

  “The bar fight Donald paid to get him out of, then a DUI arrest.”

  “Right. Something happened that set Donald off. Maybe he’d just had enough with Evan and Christina dragging him down. You should have seen him with Margo and Alex. When they were all together, they looked so happy. Especially Donald. Sometimes I’d catch this look on his face that he felt lucky to have them and a second chance at a happy family. I wanted that for him and Margo both.”

  “At least they had that for a short time. Some ­people never get to experience that kind of love and happiness.”

  “Tell me about it. I sure didn’t, but seeing Margo with Donald changed my mind about never having a husband or a family.”

  “You don’t want to get married someday and have kids?”

  “I didn’t, but with Margo so happy, and the way Alex brought so much joy into their lives, I’d changed my mind. In fact, seeing Alex with them the last few months had been hard for me. It brought up so many feelings I never thought I’d have about being a mother. Now, he’s all mine. I will be the only mother he ever knows.” Kate raked her fingers into her hair, then dropped her hand. “Everything has changed and I feel so guilty that I want it to be this way. I want to be his mother.”

  “You don’t have to feel guilty that Margo died and Alex is yours now.”

  “Yes, I do. There’s something you don’t know.”

  “What?”

  “I am Alex’s biological mother.”

  Shocked, Ben tried to process this new revelation. “Are you telling me Donald isn’t Alex’s father?”

  “It’s complicated.”

  If he was going to push for Alex’s inheritance, he needed to know all the facts. “Uncomplicate it for me.”

  “Due to Margo’s past, she couldn’t carry a biological child of her own.”

  That sounded ominous, knowing both Margo and Kate grew up in the system. “Why?”

  “Her father molested her as a child. He destroyed her reproductive system before they took Margo away from him for good.”

  “Christ,” Ben swore.

  “Exactly.”

  Another complication popped into his mind. “Wait. So you and Margo aren’t blood sisters.”

  “No. Foster sisters. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t . . . weren’t family.”

  He responded to the defensive tone in her words. “Hey, I get it. I had dinner tonight with a group of ­people who are family by blood and friendship. They are closer than any family I’ve ever known. Family goes beyond blood.”

  “And you’re a part of that family.”

  “I’ve been avoiding it for the most part, but they keep pulling me in.”

  “That’s what a real family does, right? You’re accepted no matter what. You’re included every time you show up. That’s how it should be.”

  He’d never thought about it that way, but she was right. “I guess. I like being with them, but it reminds me too much of my messed-­up past. I want what they have, but don’t feel like I belong.”

  “You choose not to belong.”

  “Look who’s talking,” he said, pointing out that neither of them had close family, or believed in having one of their own. Funny, they’d both recently come to the point in their lives that they thought it possible for them too. Freaky.

  “Margo wanted a child more than anything in this world. More than she wanted the husband and happy home, she wanted to be a mother. She met Donald and he wanted to give her anything and everything to make her happy.

  “Margo came to me just a few months into their relationship and in her crazy, silly way said, ‘Can I use your uterus? I mean, you’re not using it, so I thought you’d let me borrow it.’ Just like that.” Kate wiped the fresh tears from her cheeks.

  Ben laughed. “You two had a really great relationship if you agreed to do that for her.”

  “Well, I didn’t exactly go along with it right away. At first I refused, but Margo wore me down. Abuse and neglect punctuated my childhood. Having a child, being a mother, never crossed my mind. In fact, I vehemently stated it would never happen. I believed that.”

  “Then you had Alex for her.”

  “I wanted her to be happy and have everything she wanted too. So Donald made a donation, and I was artificially inseminated. I got pregnant immediately. I thought I could carry him, then hand him over to her and Donald and be the aunt. Throughout the pregnancy, she kept asking me if I had second thoughts about giving up my child. I didn’t. I wanted to do this amazing thing for her. I tucked my feelings and thoughts into a box. I added being pregnant and delivering him to my to-­do list like grocery shopping, paying my bills, and taking my car in for a tune-­up.

  “I went into labor and something strange happened. It hit me all at once that he was real. The minute I saw him, this wave of emotion washed through me and for the first time in my life I really felt true and overwhelming love. I didn’t want to let him go, but I had no choice. I’d promised him to her. Donald was his father. I liked the man, but I didn’t want to raise a child with him. What could I do?

  “So I distanced myself from them. Margo figured it out. I visited them and she saw it on my face. I resented her the happiness I saw in all of them. Alex was in her arms and loved her. He accepted her as his mother. She loved him as her son. I couldn’t take that away from them.”

  “But you wanted to. You wanted Alex back.”

  “Now I have him. He’s mine. He won’t remember her. He’ll only remember me.” Another wave of tears overtook her. Her shoulders shook.

  Ben hugged her close. “You’ll tell him about her. He’ll know that you did something amazing for your sister, and despite the fact you wanted Margo and Donald to raise him, you always wanted him. When the chance came for you to have him back, you took it. You loved him.

  “I have no doubt that over the years if Margo had raised him, you’d have been like a second mother, a real and important presence in his life. Margo and Donald would have wanted to repay your gift by making sure Alex always knew the amazing person you are and that despite the fact they raised him you were always there for him.”

  “I would have been.”

  “You will be now.”

  “I’d do anything for him.” She yawned so big he followed suit.

  He leaned his cheek against her head again and relaxed into the sofa with her at his side. Alex slept peacefully across his belly and in the crook of his arm, sucking on his pacifier.

  “I should put him to bed.” Kate tried to move away, but he held her close.

  “He’s fine.”

  Kate yawned again. “It’s late. I’m so tired. I should see you out and go to bed.”

  He held back a smile when she settled into him again and tucked her legs up on the couch.

  “Yeah, you probably should.”

  Neither of them moved, content to sit close and let the quiet envelop them after such a difficult night. Her breathing evened out as her weight settled into his side. He waited for that part of himself that always pulled away to rear its head and tell him to go home and sleep in his own bed. Kate snuggled into his chest. Her soft hair brushed against his face. Her sweet rosy scent filled his nose and made him turn and inhale the heady scent again. He didn’t want
to go. In fact, he’d like to stay right here with her for as long as she’d let him.

  BEN WOKE UP to Alex fussing and wiggling against his chest. He’d lost his pacifier sometime during the night. He needed a bottle and a diaper change. Happy to do both for him, but still Ben hesitated for one very good reason. Kate slept soundly curled at his side, her face in his neck, hand on his chest beside Alex. She had his full attention, but his focus remained on his hand planted smack over her ass, holding her close to him. He’d never actually slept with a woman. He’d never wanted that kind of intimacy. Yet here he was with a woman and a baby. He thought about having a family in the abstract, but this was reality up close.

  Not even a hint of anxiety crept into his system. He didn’t feel the urge to hurry up and get the hell out of there. In fact, if Alex didn’t need anything, Ben would be happy to sleep another ­couple of hours.

  Unfortunately, he had to see to Alex and get home to shower, change, and get to work. He needed to make plans with Kate for what was to come with her sister’s and Donald’s estates. He needed to be sure she’d be safe with Evan on the loose and looking to keep what belonged to Alex.

  The baby planted his hands on Ben’s chest and raised his head, staring right at him. “Hey, buddy, you hungry?”

  Alex head-­butted him in the chin and rubbed his forehead against him. He raised his head, smiled, and did it again. The kid liked his beard stubble.

  Ben planted his right hand on the couch beside him, balanced Alex on his chest, and slid out from under Kate, slowly lowering her to the spot he vacated. Exhausted from staying up so late last night and crying herself to sleep, she barely stirred as she settled into the warmth he left behind on the sofa.

  Stiff from sleeping with his legs out on the table and his head tilted back on the sofa, he stood and stretched his back, bending forward, then back and side to side with Alex pressed to his shoulder. The baby smiled and gurgled.

  “You’re easy, kid. Let’s get you cleaned up.” Ben dug through the diaper bag next to the playpen beside the side chair. He pulled out a diaper, the wipes, and a clean set of clothes for his little buddy. He laid Alex on the play mat on the floor and kneeled beside him. How hard could this be? He’d seen Cameron change a dozen diapers like it was nothing. Ben removed Alex’s dirty clothes. Alex giggled and flapped his arms, kicking his legs ready to play. He grabbed hold of Ben’s finger and tried to pull it to his mouth. Ben gently pulled free and tore the tabs on the diaper free. The smell hit him all at once.

  Ben wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Wow. That’s deadly, buddy.” Ben made quick work, holding his breath and using the wipes to clean Alex and rediaper him. Finished, he folded up the soiled diaper, secured it with the sticky tabs, and set it aside. Not bad. Easy. Alex rolled to his belly, planted his hands on the mat, and raised his head up to look around at everything. He kicked his little feet up and down. Not exactly steady, or in control of his head, he worked hard to move about the mat.

  “Where are you going?” he whispered, eyeing Kate asleep on the sofa. Her hair fell over part of her face. Her eyes remained closed. She looked so pretty and soft in sleep.

  Alex fell forward and nearly face planted on the blanket. Ben rolled him back over and stuffed his little feet into the dark blue sweatpants. He bunched the shirt in his hands to find the head opening. He sat Alex up on his butt, pulled the shirt over his head and tried to put his hand through the sleeve. Not as easy as it seemed with Alex struggling against him and falling over on his side. Ben left him on his back and worked the shirt over his belly, finally getting his hands to poke out the sleeves. Dressed and happily trying to grab at the toys hanging over him, Ben rubbed Alex’s belly and left him to play.

  He hated to take liberties in Kate’s place. They barely knew each other, but Alex needed to eat before he started crying and woke his mother. Ben wondered how Kate would feel this morning knowing today was the first day she’d truly be Alex’s mom.

  The can of formula and several clean bottles and nipples sat on a dish towel on the kitchen counter. A tablet with notes and instructions sat beside the container of milk. Ben read through several of the items Margo instructed Kate to do, including how to make him a bottle. Ben followed the instructions, heated the water, poured in the scoops of milk, gently shook the bottle to mix it, and poured several drops on his wrist to test the temperature. Warm, but not hot. He went back to the living room to give it to Alex. He spun around at the last second and went back to the kitchen to make the coffee since Alex seemed content to stare at himself in the little mirror on a bear’s belly.

  Ben got over his trepidation about rummaging through the cupboards in search of the coffee and filters real quick. He’d only been up for twenty minutes, but he felt hungover and exhausted after only four hours of sleep. He dumped the old grounds in the garbage under the sink, fixed up a new pot, and hit the on switch. The machine hissed and spit, then gurgled to life, dripping coffee into the pot. Ben exhaled with relief, hoping the thing would hurry up with his caffeine fix.

  The smell helped wake him up. Alex too, with his sudden cries for his bottle. Ben scooped him off the floor, sat in the soft oatmeal-­colored chair next to the couch, and stuffed the bottle in Alex’s mouth. Some of the milk dripped down his chin. The kid gorged, hungry after his crying jag and sleep. Ben leaned over and snagged a blue and white polka-­dotted rag off the side table and wiped Alex’s face, then tucked the towel under his chin to catch whatever else the kid spilled.

  Ben studied Alex’s face. He had his mother’s blue eyes and even her eyebrows. Ben traced his finger over one, following the soft arch. Alex reached for his finger, grabbed it, and held tight, staring up at him, completely trusting and content to lie in Ben’s arms and drink his breakfast.

  “Sorry about your mom and dad, buddy. Kate loves you. She wants to be your mom. She’ll settle into it today. She’s strong and tough on the outside, but she’s got an amazing heart. Once, I saw her break up a fight between two street punks who thought the only way to solve a fight was with guns, knives, and fists. She stood between them. They towered over her, but she didn’t back down or show any sign of fear. They could have roughed her up, but instead she said something to them that made both of them take a step back. All the fight went out of them. She kept talking. I don’t know what she said. The guys yelled at her, each other, tried to brawl once again, and went around and around like that for about ten minutes. In the end, she got them to shake hands and do garbage duty together at the group home.

  “Another time, she called me in to help with a mother and her teenage daughter. The girl was beat up, hurting, crying, knowing her mother would never leave her abusive father. Your mom spoke to the mother, got through all the layers of her feeling like she caused all the problems, thinking her husband really loved her but he just needed a chance to change. He’d promised. She got through all those years of fear and self-­doubt and convinced the woman that the best thing for her to do was take her daughter away from that man. One week at Haven House and the woman changed. She found her courage and strength and protected her daughter. Your mom did that for them.

  “She’ll do the same for you. She’ll never let anything bad happen to you. I won’t either. I’m going to work with your mom to make sure that asshole who killed your father and mother is locked behind bars for the rest of his life.”

  Maybe he shouldn’t swear around the child, but hey, the kid didn’t understand the words. He hoped he got the meaning. Ben meant every word. He admired Kate for the work she did and the amazing way she connected with the ­people who came to her needing help but not necessarily open to receiving it, or doing what they needed to do when it went against everything they’d ever known. Change scared ­people. Scared ­people feared the unknown. The promise of something good wasn’t enough to get them to try sometimes, because not many good things happened to them. When they did, they were always waiting for the other sho
e to drop. Kate got that and worked with her clients in a way that encouraged them to trust.

  Ben hoped she’d trust him now to help her with the Faradays and everything that came next. She’d let him past her walls last night. Her grief may have compromised her usual resolve to keep everyone at arm’s length. When she woke up, would he find her walls up, the windows black, and the professional woman he’d known back to being all business? Or would she show him some of who she really was, like the night they danced and kissed, like the open and honest woman from last night? He really wanted to get to know her better. Explore the fluttering feeling living in his gut that made him want to stare at her and ask a million questions to discover what lay beneath Kate’s surface. He liked the surface. Her pretty face, those blue eyes that saw far more than he wanted her to see. She did that. She delved deeper when she looked at a person, and summed that person up with astounding accuracy. What happened in her life that made her need to hone that skill? She’d hinted about her past last night. He wanted to know the whole story of where she’d come from. What made Kate the woman he knew now?

  His gaze roamed over her from her cute feet, up her smooth legs, the curve of her hip, the dip in her side, the fullness of her breasts, the long column of her throat, and back to her face and that gorgeous dark wavy hair.

  What really drew him to her?

  Everything.

  Chapter Nine

  KATE FELT HIS gaze on her. She’d heard everything he said to Alex. She appreciated his vote of confidence in her taking on the role of Alex’s mother. Actually, she was Alex’s mother. It wasn’t something she had to do, but what she was at the heart. He was her son. She loved him more than anything in this world. She hated to give him up and struggled every day since with the loneliness in her heart that opened a deep dark pit in her soul of wanting him back. Now, she had him. She hated the way he’d come back to her, but she’d spend every day from now on grateful to have him in her life permanently.

  She’d rewrite the story of their lives and tell him that once she’d tried to give his aunt Margo the child she wanted and deserved. He’d have had a happy life with her and Donald with Kate a constant presence in his life. By the time he was old enough to understand what she’d tried to do for Margo and him, he’d know how much she loved him and didn’t want to be without him. He’d understand she never wanted to give him up.