Trials (Rock Bottom)

by Sarah Biermann

  Jeremy looks confused. “Drug dealer?”

  I nod. “A dealer said he sold you a hot dose a few months back. He has witnesses. And the dose he described is the one that was found in her bloodstream.” I search him immediately for a reaction, but he’s stoic.

  “Hot dose?” he mumbles. “The only dealer I bought from recently was the one I told you about. That was a hot dose?”

  He seems just as confused as I am. I relax a little. “So he says,” I say.

  “He must give that to first time buyers. It gives you a really intense effect. Makes you want to come back.”

  I stare at him intently. “Jeremy, I don’t care about the science behind this bullshit. Don’t you understand I’m telling you that you’re going to be arrested for murder? Did you give her the heroin, Jeremy?”

  “No!” he snaps at me. “I told you a thousand times. Christ, you think I’m a really fucking horrible person, don’t you?”

  I roll my eyes and huff in frustration. “No Jeremy, not a horrible person. But everything is pointing back to you, don’t you get it? You’ve got to stop acting like this is no big deal.”

  He turns and walks over to the couch, throwing himself down on it. “I don’t care.”

  I walk slowly over to him. I can’t believe the way he’s reacting right now and it makes no sense. I’m pissed. “If you don’t give a shit, than why should I?”

  He’s silent, still not looking at me and doesn’t attempt to offer any explanation. I stare at his beautiful face. Beautiful, talented, and genius he may be, but I can’t ignore that he’s just constantly a disaster that throws my life into a cyclone of destruction and leaves me picking up the pieces. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to feel hollow all the time. I don’t want to spend my life alone and miserable. “You know what? I’m done with you,” I cry, turning quickly and storming out of his apartment. I slam the door behind me.

  As I run down the stairway, I will myself not to cry. I thank God that I didn’t tell Scott about my mistake. Obviously, that’s what it was…a mistake. I’m done trying to save him when he doesn’t want to save himself. I’m done waiting for him to be someone that he’s not. I vow to no longer help him in this case. I just want to get through it and get done with my internship and forget I ever knew him.

  Chapter 9- Identity

  My therapist had told me when I had first started seeing her that I should look into attending AlAnon meetings. These meetings are for friends and family members who have been affected by their loved one’s addictions, but use the same twelve steps as the addicts. The first step is about letting go of responsibility for the other person’s problems. I think about that statement as I lie in bed, waiting for sleep to find me. That’s exactly what I needed to do with my mother, and now with Jeremy. I need to let go of the responsibility of their disease. It’s not my problem and I shouldn’t let it affect my life.

  But when Scott gets into bed a short time later and tries to be intimate with me, I can’t bring myself to follow through with it. I have to push him away. I tell him that I don’t feel well and need sleep and he, always understanding and considerate, falls asleep without any suspicion. Jeremy’s disease might not be my problem, but he seems to be a constant problem in my life that I just can’t shake. Why can’t I keep myself away from him? Even now I’m thinking about his lips on mine, his body in my body, while I lie here next to one of the most attractive and caring men I’ve ever met. Who by the way, also happens to love me. What’s wrong with me?

  I’m getting on my own nerves, going back and forth with my emotions like this. I wish I could just go back to being the rational, headstrong person I used to be. Hell, I’d even take going back to the naïve, ignorant child I was two years ago.

  When I wake up in the morning, Scott graciously reminds me that we have a benefit dinner tonight with his parents. I actually like Scott’s parents a lot. They’re rich but not snobby and I feel like they really like me. Maybe getting dressed up and fancy will take my mind off of Jeremy.

  When I walk into work, I go to my desk and immediately start on some paperwork. Steven and Mr. Current are nowhere to be seen this morning, so I assume they’re just as busy with paperwork as I am. That’s good. That means a pretty easy and relaxing day for me, and I need it.

  I decide to work on Jeremy’s face sheet and fill in the general information that’s missing. I try to remove myself from the fact that it’s Jeremy’s paperwork and treat it like any other boring sheet.

  I go through all of the papers in his file, making sure it’s all filled out correctly and that the information is all in order. I even get to read over the statement from the drug dealer and the few witnesses he was able to produce. Unfortunately, it does seem pretty convincing. But there’s no way they can connect the bag of heroin that was sold to Jeremy to the specific one that killed the victim. In that way I guess Jeremy is right, I’m not sure they will have enough evidence to convict him.

  As the day goes on I grow more excited over the idea of getting out of the house tonight and going to the benefit. I need to put into perspective what’s really important, like Scott and his family and our future.

  As I begin to daydream about how I’m going to do my hair and what dress I should wear, I see a shadow appear over my desk. I look up and see the face of Steven, smiling down at me. “Before you go, Dylan, Mr. Current wants to see us in the office.”

  It takes me a minute to process what he says. “Oh, okay,” I mumble finally, standing up and pushing the paperwork into the file. I follow Steven down the hallway.

  We smile at the secretary and walk straight into Mr. Current’s office. I never thought I’d feel comfortable as an intern walking straight into the District Attorney’s office, but I guess I do now. At least I’ve gotten one perk out of this whole mess.

  For some reason it didn’t occur to me to be nervous before. But when I see the wide, snake-like smirk on Mr. Current’s face, my heart palpitates. He’s staring at me in a strange way, like he’s suspicious or expectant. I’d seen him stare at me just like that before, but I always brushed it off as if it was all in my head. He had never done it so directly before.

  I stop in front of his desk, unable to move a step further under his glare. Steven holds open his hand for the file, and I hand it to him as he continues to walk past me. He turns to lean on Mr. Current’s desk so that they’re both staring at me. My heart races. What the hell is going on?

  “Dylan, please sit,” Mr. Current says, extending his hand to the seat.

  I look at the chair and then back at them again. I feel the color run from my face. I wonder if they found out something. There’s a laundry list of things that I’ve done wrong. I rack my brain as I sit in the chair in front of them, my back straight and tight with stress.

  “Dylan, I have something to ask you and I hope you can tell us the truth,” Mr. Current begins, his voice caressing me. It’s a fake kind of sweetness, too gentle to be sincere.

  “Okay,” I say, thankfully strong and clear. My poker face is getting better now that I’ve had to use it so often.

  “We need to know if Mr. Mason has said anything to you about the case that we should know. Has he confessed anything? Is he willing to confess to the murder?”

  I look over at Steven to see if there’s any indication of confusion on his face. He must be as confused as I am. I have no idea what Current’s talking about. But Steven doesn’t look confused at all. In fact, he stares at me with almost the same suspicious expression as Mr. Current.

  I look back towards Mr. Current. “Why would he tell me anything?”

  Mr. Current cocks his head sideways, giving me a knowing smile. “Dylan, come on. Let’s be real now. This is important. You know we’re about to make the arrest and we don’t want to be stuck come trial time. Do you think you can get him to confess?”

  I go over every word in my head a few times, breaking them down to find the meaning in them. Let’s be real now? Real about what? Wh
y does he think I can get him…to…

  Oh shit.

  I can tell Mr. Current sees the exact moment the realization hits me. My eyes widen and my mouth pops open just a little. I exhale sharply, as if the breath is being forced out of my body. We all sit silently for a few moments as they allow me to get my bearings straight.

  He knows. They both know. They know exactly who I am.

  I feel the anger burning in my core, resonating through my body. “How long? How long have you known?” I ask sternly.

  Mr. Current shifts weight on his feet. He smiles crookedly. “Oh Ms. Ackhart. It’s our job to know things. I’m shocked you didn’t assume we knew from the beginning.”

  Panic. “Did you know from the beginning?”

  Steven shrugs. “Of course we did.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  I feel the tears start to fill up my eyes. My breathing increases exponentially. I’m not sad, though. I’m embarrassed and angry. Turns out, I’m still just as naïve and stupid as ever, just as Jeremy claimed.

  “Is that why I got the internship?” I half-whisper, afraid the tears are going to spill over. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction, but I have to know.

  “No,” Mr. Current says, certainty in his voice. “We didn’t know until after you began here. You truly did deserve the internship. But you can’t honestly think that it’s customary to move interns over to homicide and give them such a high profile case? Come on, Dylan.”

  Oh, God. I feel so stupid. I look down at the floor.

  “But you’ve done a great job for us. I truly am impressed and hopeful that I can offer you a job here after graduation. But we know you’ve been seeing him and we need to know if he’s confessed anything to you.”

  I stare at him, appalled. He sees that I’m not going to give him what he wants. “Come on, Ms. Ackhart. This is your career. Your life. You’re not even officially with him anymore, right? We know he’s guilty and so do you. Get him to confess to this and I’ll give a lot of the credit to you. Your career will skyrocket before it’s even begun.”

  We stare at each other. I release eye contact with him to look over at Steven. Steven seems to be on board with what’s going on. I disappointedly look back at Mr. Current before I stand from my chair.

  “Mr. Current, I don’t feel I need to discuss my personal life with you. But no, Mr. Mason has not confessed anything to me because, quite frankly, he’s not guilty.”

  Mr. Current chuckles. “Oh, I seriously doubt that.”

  I scoff. “We all know you have evidence, but nothing concrete enough to prove he did it beyond a reasonable doubt. Your case will fail and you know it. And it makes me sick to think that this whole time you’ve been using me as a pawn to get the information you need.”

  “We’ll get it anyway,” Steven says. I turn to look at him. “It’s out there. It’s just a matter of finding it.”

  “Well, you’re not going to use me to do it,” I say, trying to avoid choking up. I turn to Mr. Current. “I quit, Mr. Current.”

  He snorts. “You can’t be serious, Dylan. Think of what you’re doing. You’ll never get an opportunity like this again. And I won’t hire you after graduation if you quit.”

  My heart sinks. “I know that. But I have enough hours here to graduate. And I’m not going to help you try to convict an innocent man anymore. I’m not going to let you use me to get to him. I should have quit a long time ago.”

  Steven and Mr. Current look angry and unsatisfied. I take pride in that as I turn to leave the room. I think the last thing they expected me to do is quit. Two years ago, I may not have been strong enough to. I guess I must be different now, after all.

  I turn to look at them one more time as I reach the office door. They haven’t moved. “Thank you for your time,” I say quietly. I open the door and shut it behind me.

  I race to my desk to collect my things as quickly as I can. I feel the lump in my throat threatening to put me over the edge. I can’t believe I just quit my dream internship and all chances I had of my dream job. Does that mean the last year and a half without him was really all for nothing?

  No, I can’t start thinking that way. I will graduate, after all. And I have Scott.

  I need to go tell Jeremy what happened. I throw my bag over my shoulder and run out of the building, not stopping to say goodbye to anyone. I feel bad not being able to explain to Mr. Shuster. But I can’t stay here any longer, I can’t risk losing it in front of these people.

  I start running to my car once I’m outside, grateful that I can let at least a few tears escape. I jump into my car and throw my bag over to the passenger’s seat. I’m prepared to immediately drive to Jeremy’s to tell him what happened, but before I start the car, I think about what I’m doing.

  I don’t need to run to Jeremy. Why should I? It doesn’t really affect anything since I didn’t tell them anything they needed to know. Besides, I honestly don’t think Jeremy gives a shit about what’s going on with the case.

  But if you don’t go to him about the case, you have no legitimate excuse to talk to him ever again…

  Stop!

  I’m feeding into him again, letting myself be drawn into his cyclone life. Look what happens when I allow that.

  Fuck him.

  He and his legal team can handle this without me. I need to focus on handling my own life. And right now, I need to grieve the loss of my dream job. How am I going to tell Scott?

  When I open the door I can hear the TV blasting a football game down the hallway. I’m both glad and disappointed that Scott is home already. I could have used a few minutes by myself to calm down, but at the same time, his presence calms me and he always knows what to say to make things right.

  I walk towards the living room, inhaling shaky breaths as I silently sob. I’m so overwhelmed with stress that it feels like forever before I finally see the back of his head. It takes him a moment before he realizes I’m there. He turns around and flashes a wide smile at me before looking at my face. His smile fades immediately.

  “Baby, what happened?” he says, standing up and walking over to me. He wraps me in his big embrace.

  “I quit my internship,” I say into his shoulder.

  Scott holds me at arm’s length so he can look into my eyes. “What? Why?”

  “They knew. They knew me,” I cry out, holding onto his arms for support. He walks me over to the couch and sits me down on his lap, cradling me in his arms. He soothes me, waiting until I can continue.

  I begin to feel better after a few moments. I tell him most of the story of what happened, leaving out that they knew I was already speaking to Jeremy outside of the office. “What am I going to do?” I ask him when I’m finished.

  “Screw them, Dylan. We can go anywhere you want or need to go after graduation. You don’t need to be a DA for Boston. We’ll move.”

  I ponder that. “Really? You would move for me?”

  Scott scoffs. “In a heartbeat. I’d do anything for you.”

  Wow, Dylan. You really are a piece of shit.

  “I don’t care where we go as long as we’re together,” Scott continues. “And you know I can do a lot of my business from home. I’ll have to travel no matter where I go. We’ll be okay, baby. Don’t cry. You were right to quit.”

  We sit in silence after that as he rocks me. His words replay over and over in my head. I know if I let this relationship continue, he will ask me to marry him. I think it’s been leading up to that for a long time. I’d be an idiot to say anything but yes; he’s smart, handsome, rich, and very much in love with me. He worships and adores me. But no matter how hard I try to concentrate on that…no matter how much I understand the life Scott would give me if I let him…the only person my heart longs for is Jeremy. I can pretend as much as I want that it has changed, but it hasn’t. My heart always belongs to Jeremy.

  Will there ever come a day when I get my heart back and move on from him? Or had he ruined me forever?

  Chapte
r 10- Dinner

  Even though I try to convince Scott to skip the benefit dinner, he presses me to go. He says it will be good for me to get out and try to have a good time. I don’t think it’s going to help very much, but I want to make Scott happy and he seems so excited to take me out.

  I’m glad in a way that I’m able to finally wear the long, deep red ball gown that I had gotten earlier in the year. I hadn’t had a reason to wear it, but when I saw the dress, I knew it was for me. Surprisingly, it accented my new brown hair even better than the blonde. Looking at myself in the mirror, it does lift my mood a little bit to be dressed up and ready to go out. I look like a girl going on a romantic date with the love of her life should. That kind of screams, “Fuck you, Jeremy Mason,” to me, even if that’s not the way I’m feeling. I still want it to come across that way.

  When I walk out of the bedroom, I freeze in the hallway. I see Scott standing in the living room, toying with the cufflinks on one of his sleeves. I have seen Scott in suits before, but never in a formal tuxedo. His broad shoulders fill out the jacket perfectly. Even the bowtie makes him look sexy instead of nerdy. My God, the man is a vision.

  I can get used to looking at that face every day. My heart sinks for a moment as I consider a future without Jeremy. Shut up, heart.

  “Dylan, you look amazing,” Scott says, walking towards me. His face is full of wonder and adoration. I smile back at him, placing my hand on his face and giving him a quick kiss.

  The doorbell rings a few moments later. Scott opens it to reveal a driver who tells us our limo is outside. I haven’t been in a limo since…

  Stop, Dylan.

  We walk out of the house and down the stairs hand in hand. The driver opens the car door for us and we quickly slide into the limo. When Scott lets go of my hand in the car, I notice my hand is wet. It’s not terribly hot today- I wonder why his palms are so sweaty.