After Ben

by Con Riley

“You don’t get to talk about Ben.” Theo drew in a breath, shutting his eyes for a moment, hauling his temper back in. The manners he’d learned as a kid battled with his need to set the record straight. Morgan’s typed messages of a few days earlier seemed to be written on the back of his eyelids.

  MORGAN: People treat you exactly as you let them.

  MORGAN: Sometimes you have to say “Fuck that shit.”

  MORGAN: I have trouble with that.

  Theo doubted there was much that Morgan had trouble with. He’d obviously lived, perhaps experienced tough times, but his words stayed with Theo. He let out a long sigh, then opened his eyes and met each parent’s gaze in turn, pitching his voice low to stop it from shaking. “You don’t ever get to talk about Ben. You had fifteen years to talk with him—or with me about him. You chose not to, for reasons I will never, ever comprehend. We were together for longer than most marriages last.” He pushed away from the table, hands shaking. “Now, what do you need help with?”

  He spent the rest of the afternoon helping his dad with repair work. The house had been built in the 1930s and needed more and more tender loving care each year. It was too big for just the two of them now, involving far too much upkeep. He suggested, as he had many times before, that they move somewhere more manageable. After Theo had helped his dad replace some rope on their boat, they stood at the far end of the jetty and looked back at the house together.

  “Why would we move, son?” His dad looked genuinely puzzled. “This is where our memories are. Why would we ever leave those behind?”

  His mom approached, carrying steaming mugs on a tray, coffee for them, hot chocolate for him. A peace offering. They drank in silence. His mom shivered. She was much frailer than Theo remembered. He watched her press her lips tightly together, seeing himself once more in her unconscious habits, before she addressed the lake without making eye contact.

  “We don’t want you to be alone, Theo. We only want you to be happy.” She shuffled a little closer, bumping her hip against his leg, offering only token comfort that came far, far too late.

  Theo slipped an arm around her thin shoulders.

  “I was.”

  Chapter 4

  THEO stayed the night, which pleased his parents so much. He hadn’t slept a single night in his childhood home since he realized that his mom wasn’t going to change her mind about Ben. They had always made the drive back to the city instead, no matter how late they stayed after Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners. Waking with a lurch on Sunday morning, sitting bolt upright in the guestroom bed, Theo slumped back for a moment, mentally compiling a list of the work awaiting him in the week ahead.

  The smell of bacon lured him downstairs.

  His mom had been busy.

  “You’re too thin, Theo.” She heaped his plate with food, sliding it across the table toward him. “Are you sure that you’re looking after yourself?” Worry creased her face.

  “I’m good.” He plowed through his meal staring at the table rather than at his mom, then decided that he might as well speak honestly. There had been precious little honesty between them since he had returned to Seattle with Ben fifteen years before. “I still forget to eat.”

  “Oh, Theo. You have to look after yourself.”

  “I know.” He paused while his mom sat buttering her toast. “Ben used to make me eat. Now that he’s….” He heard the slow scrape of butter over toast stop. “Now that it’s just me, I guess I find it hard to get motivated about cooking, or eating, or anything really.” He ignored her silence. “I should have paid more attention to him when he cooked. I should have made him write his recipes down somewhere. I should have—”

  “Theo….”

  “No, don’t stop me, Mom. I should have paid more attention. I should have. Maybe if I’d done that he’d still be here.”

  “Oh, Theo. You can’t think that.” When he looked up, his mom was white faced.

  He shrugged. “I can, and I do. I think it every single day.” It was the truth. Every single time he went into the kitchen, every single time he opened the refrigerator he was reminded, over and over and over of what he’d lost. “Ben did so much for me. He just loved having someone to look after. He was a family man through and through, Mom, and I got spoiled. It’s been kind of hard to get motivated to do things for myself, but lately I feel like I’m starting to get there.” He helped himself to more bacon. “Yeah, I’m getting there, I guess.”

  His mom put her knife down, her movements precise. She focused on her plate before saying, “I could cook for you, Theo. I could fill your freezer with meals. I’d love to do that for you, if you would only let me.”

  “That’s okay. I’m good.” He almost smiled at her raised brows. “Well, I’m trying harder, anyhow. Making progress.”

  They finished their meal in silence.

  After breakfast, he kissed his mom and hugged his dad before climbing back into his car and heading for the city. The sky was clear, and the interstate was relatively quiet. He made good time and stopped at a grocery store where he stocked up on produce, aware that trying harder probably meant nuking fewer frozen dinners. He chose vegetables, knowing that Ben would have turned his nose up at his selection. He’d been such a fucking food snob. When he got home, he threw open the windows to change the air, then settled at his desk to balance his checkbook and pay bills.

  His e-mail in-box was full of alerts from the debate forum, and he had a ton of private messages waiting for him. Logging on, starting to read, Theo’s smile lit up his face. Morgan had been a sneaky shit while Theo had been at his parents’ place. He’d found prior messages of Theo’s and rebutted every single one, demanding answers, challenging him to debate and promising a virtual spanking.

  Pushing up his shirtsleeves, checkbook balancing forgotten, Theo got to work. When Morgan came online later, Theo messaged him immediately.

  THEO: Anyone would think that you missed me.

  MORGAN: Who are you?

  They kidded around and tag-teamed on a health-care-reform debate into the early evening, right up until Theo’s cell phone chimed, alerting him to a text from Peter asking if he could come and see Theo that evening. He called him right back.

  “I thought you were leaving.”

  “I am. I meant to leave yesterday, but something’s come up. Can I see you first? I can be with you in twenty minutes.” Theo could almost picture his frown. “I need to see you, Theo. Can I come over? I won’t take too much of your evening. I really do have to leave later tonight.”

  Agreeing quickly, he logged out of the forum, then paced his apartment, feeling awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin. Peter had sounded strange. When he eventually heard the buzzer, he wasn’t sure if he was relieved or worried as he opened the door.

  “Hey.” Peter was in uniform.

  “Hey, yourself.” Theo wasn’t sure if his mouth was hanging open. He shook his head a little, closing his eyes for a moment, then started again. “Come in. Are you okay?” He showed him to the kitchen, pulling out one of the counter stools and offering him a drink.

  “I’m fine. I’m good. I just needed to see you.” He waited as Theo got water from the fridge and poured him a glass. “I met my new boss yesterday. I think there’s been some miscommunication somewhere along the line. You know how Chinese whispers work, don’t you?” Theo nodded. “I told you I was supposed to supervise new training to insure, eventually, that each and every EMT in northwestern Washington can better support emergency calls to rape, domestic abuse, and suicide attempts, right?”

  Theo nodded again. They had discussed this on Friday evening, and he could see why Peter had been chosen for the role. His strength was more than physical; Theo had already learned that he was pretty good with emotional support too.

  “Well….” He hesitated, then reached over to Theo, pulling him from where he leaned against the counter to stand between his legs. “It turns out that it’s a cross-state initiative, following a model that started in San Fran
cisco in the late ’90s. I’m going to work at the original program for at least a month in Cali, seeing how it operates in practice. I’ll bring back that knowledge to set up some training across Washington and Oregon.” He took a breath, then drank some water before placing his glass back on the counter and holding Theo’s hand.

  “I’m not certain the program will translate from a big city to more rural areas. Each station is so different. I’m going to be real busy for the next several months so it’s unlikely I’ll be home much before Christmas, and even then that might not be for long.” He held Theo’s other hand too.

  “That’s great.”

  Peter’s blue eyes were shadowed. “Really?” he asked, pulling Theo a little closer.

  “It sounds like an amazing opportunity. Think how many people you’ll get a chance to influence.”

  Peter let go of his hands and scrubbed at his face. “I feel a little foolish now.” He shrugged, leaning away from Theo. “I was kind of hoping that a few weeks apart might make you miss me.” He shrugged again, a flush creeping up from his neck. “A few months seems like far too long.”

  Oh.

  Theo scanned Peter’s kind, worried face.

  Oh.

  Peter shook his head, then started to stand. “Forget it. I just wanted to let you know. It was good to see you again. After Friday night I kind of hoped….” His voice trailed away. Then he squared his shoulders, looking Theo straight in the eye. “I was hoping that you kissed me because you wanted the same thing as me, and only needed a little more time to get your head around the idea.” He ran a finger down the line etched to the side of Theo’s lips. “You’re not anywhere close to that yet, are you?”

  It was Theo’s turn to shrug. Peter exhaled, slow and steady, his breath warm against Theo’s throat. “Maybe I should leave you with a reminder. Something else to think about.” He put his hand on Theo’s face again, then kissed him lightly, pulling away before he’d really started. “Will that help you to think about me?”

  Theo shook his head.

  “How about this?” He kissed him again, only this time he tongue-tipped his way along the seam between Theo’s lips. “Or this?” Peter’s hands pushed into the back of Theo’s thick hair before pulling him into a proper kiss. His lips were firm, his tongue insistent, and Theo only hesitated for a moment before joining him, opening his mouth and meeting him somewhere in the middle. Peter tasted of mint and coffee—completely delicious. Theo chased Peter’s flavor, enjoying the sensation of shared heat as well as the wet soft-roughness of Peter’s tongue on his.

  Breathing heavily, Peter pulled away again, leaving Theo blinking. “Will you miss me, Theo?” Peter’s face was flushed pink, making his eyes seem impossibly blue.

  Theo nodded.

  “Show me.”

  Theo kissed him then.

  He kissed him like he was saying good-bye.

  Then he kissed him like he didn’t want him to leave.

  He moved from thinking that Peter wanted more than he’d ever be ready for, to thinking about nothing much at all, in less than a minute. When Peter made a low, needy noise in his mouth, he slid his lips down his neck, rasping over Peter’s light stubble. He smelled wonderfully of soap and warm male. Working his way across Peter’s throat, he sucked a little, dipping his tongue into the hollow at the base of his throat, dragging his teeth across Peter’s pulse.

  “Fuck.” He felt Peter shiver, then grab at him, clutching his shoulders, palms moving down to hang onto his ass. They ground together, and it felt so fucking good that Theo didn’t want to stop. He pulled at the buttons on Peter’s shirt, needing to feel more of him.

  Peter helped him out, undoing his shirt, then taking it off before pulling off the white T-shirt he wore underneath. Theo’s lips sought out Peter’s warm throat again—he couldn’t help it—feeling his groan under his lips, licking and sucking his way down to Peter’s broad, firm chest. Feeling, rather than thinking, he bent slightly, grasping the back of Peter’s thighs before hoisting him up onto the counter.

  Peter tipped his head back and laughed, sounding delighted. Theo smiled up at him, then leaned forward and licked across one of his nipples. Peter’s laugh turned into a continuous stream of groans as Theo’s mouth worked him over, licking, sucking, and biting until his nipples were hard and wet. Theo pulled Peter’s ass to the edge of the counter, pressing against him, feeling half-crazed and completely alive.

  Fingers fumbling, Peter tugged at Theo’s zipper and yanked at his belt, before he stopped and concentrated on trying to haul off his shirt. Once it was off, landing somewhere near the sink, Peter wound his arms around him, his hands moving down the planes of Theo’s back while he sucked and kissed across the tops of Theo’s shoulders.

  “Wanted you for so long.” Peter’s words were followed by a harsh groan as Theo’s head dropped to his stomach, tongue trailing lower, tracing Peter’s individual abdominals. He pushed his hands up along Peter’s muscled, firm thighs before he hesitated, then stopped.

  He blinked, made eye contact, then looked quickly away. Theo rested his head on Peter’s shoulder. “I want… I want….” He didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t have the words.

  Sliding down from the counter, Peter quickly unfastened both their pants. Tipping Theo’s chin up, he dipped in for another kiss before asking, “Let me?” Theo nodded, then gasped. Peter’s slightly rough hand on his cock felt amazing, overwhelming, perfect. He shoved Peter’s pants down to his thighs, grasping the other man’s cock, bracing himself with one hand on the counter that Peter leaned on. They both groaned, stroking each other, lost in pleasure.

  When Peter pried Theo’s hand from his cock, then licked across his palm before placing it back, Theo felt sure he would come. That casual intimacy—repeated as he licked Peter’s slightly salty palm—followed by a slicker slide up and down their almost too-hard cocks sent Theo over the edge.

  He shouted, hanging onto Peter as his come spattered across their stomachs.

  Shaking as Peter slowed his pace, pulling the last of his come from him, Theo slung an arm around his neck, trying to maintain his own pace as he jerked Peter off. It took another few minutes, and Theo leaned heavily against Peter while he did it, only pulling away to watch Peter’s come spill out over his hand. They panted into each other’s mouths, kissing as they came down, and Theo shivered. Swallowing—his throat bone dry—he forced out a murmured, “Thanks. That was just…. Thanks.” Peter hushed him, hugging him as they rocked together for a moment, sticky stomach to sticky stomach.

  “Come on, I’ll show you to the bathroom.”

  They cleaned up together. Theo felt as if he were dreaming. One minute he’d been wasting time on the Internet, the next he was coming—in what felt like less than a minute—all over someone he hardly knew at all. Catching Theo’s frown in the bathroom mirror, Peter tugged at his belt loops until he turned into his arms again. It seemed easier listening to him talk when he didn’t have to look at his face.

  “I think you really needed that.” Theo felt his cheeks heat. Peter snorted. “Yeah. You did, Theo. There’s no shame in needing a little human contact. None at all.” He pressed his lips along Theo’s shoulders, making him shiver, before speaking again. “I’d like it if we could do that again sometime, only without that guilty expression afterward, maybe?” His voice was a low rumble. “I should have asked you out the first time I saw you smile, Theo. We could have done this months ago.”

  Theo shook his head. There was no way that would have happened. He felt like he’d only recently woken up. He wasn’t even sure what had just occurred. It was like his body had gone on autopilot, while his brain had completely shut down for a while.

  “I refuse to regret this, Theo. You shouldn’t either. Life is too fucking short, and this was a real pleasure. Something worth remembering, not something to feel bad about.”

  Peter stayed for one more drink before accepting that he had to leave. Theo walked him down to the parking lot, notic
ing that his truck was jammed full of Peter’s belongings. He really was going to be away for more than a few weeks.

  “I’d like to come and see you when I get back. I know that’s months away yet, and I’m not expecting anything from you, Theo, but I would like to call you. I’ll be away for months again after the holidays too, but I will be coming back. Seattle is my home.” He kissed Theo quickly. “I’m not holding you to anything. I’d like to get to know you better, but the timing is terrible.”

  Theo nodded.

  “Or maybe it’s real good timing,” Peter said. “Something nice to remember me by while you work through your personal stuff, maybe?”

  Theo nodded again.

  He watched from the apartment complex steps as Peter drove away, then walked back upstairs, keeping his head down as he passed Ben’s hallway mirror.

  Peter was right. He shouldn’t feel guilty. He shouldn’t. He cleaned up the kitchen, then took some ice cream to bed. Logging onto the forum, he exchanged messages with Morgan, who was a little snippy. Eventually Theo managed to get him to lighten up, and they spent an hour laughing at extreme right-wing opinions, then deliberately argued from a right-wing perspective on the forum just to confuse other members.

  It was fun.

  Theo stretched across his too-big bed feeling completely relaxed for once.

  Morgan was inquisitive, asking why he hadn’t been online much that weekend and what exactly had put Theo in such a good mood. He explained that he’d had a weekend of company, and that it had been good. Really good, in fact. When Morgan asked why having company was unusual—surely someone like him had lots of friends—Theo explained his personal situation.

  Over the past twelve months he’d discovered that most people didn’t know how to respond when you confessed that you spent all your free time alone because you couldn’t face seeing other people. If you told them that you ignored all the phone calls and texts and e-mails from the many, many friends you had for a whole fucking year, they wanted to know why.

  He’d found that most people didn’t know what to say if you told them that your partner of over fifteen years, the man who had left his own family and friends behind to follow you halfway around the world, had dropped dead from cardiac arrest behind the wheel of his car.