After Ben

by Con Riley

  “And then he saw you molesting Evan in the elevator?” Maggie snorted back laughter at the expression on Theo’s face. “Calm down, boss. Let me rephrase.” She drew in a breath and tapped her chin, pretending to be lost in thought. “You told him to be professional, and then he caught you with your hands all over his boy?”

  “Maggie!”

  Theo gripped the edges of his desk, willing his blood pressure down as his assistant crossed the room, closing the blinds between him and the outer office.

  “You’re going to stroke out if you keep trying to deny your feelings, Theo.”

  “You want me to write you up, don’t you?” Theo knew that any casual observer would define his working partnership with Maggie as completely unprofessional. They’d crossed the invisible boundary between a working relationship and personal friendship a long, long time ago.

  He guessed that back talk in his own office was the price he had to pay for all those weekends he’d been dragged—helpless and hopeless—from his bed to her home. He would sit with her husband, Mike, staring at a game on their huge TV while her kids crawled all over him. The only concrete reminders he had of those first few months without Ben were the photos on her refrigerator of him with her kids at softball practice or at the park.

  He only had vague recollections of those hours—all those hours—when he stared into space with a plate of untouched sandwiches on his lap or rested his cheek on her cool kitchen tabletop as she folded his laundry.

  She turned back to him, her grin softening from naughty to somewhat sympathetic before she asked, “So, what are you going to do about it?”

  “Well, I’ve put a lot of thought into my plan.” Theo straightened his tie. “I’m going to employ some of the best corporate strategies I’ve learned over the last decade or so. I knew all those wonderful executive training sessions would be handy.” They smirked at each other. “I’m planning a day of complete avoidance, followed by a good long stretch of denial.”

  “Don’t deny your feelings, Theo. It’s okay to be gay.” Maggie smiled at him, teasing.

  “I am going to fire you. Just know that you brought it on yourself.” Theo put his head in his hands. “I only meant that I would deny being interested in anyone I work with, if the subject came up. That’s all. Not that anyone would ever take the idea seriously in the first place. I’m hardly prime romance material.”

  Maggie collected the papers she had come in for in the first place with an exaggerated sigh. She paused at the doorway, scrutinizing Theo for a moment before saying, “You’re a handsome man, Theo. While I agree that a workplace romance isn’t always ideal, don’t be surprised if some people here do find you attractive. You’re hardly over the hill.”

  She left him to his work, but not before adding, “Do try to talk with Joel again. He’s obviously got something on his mind today.”

  Once she was gone, Theo got back to work for a while, reading a head office e-mail about a “full spectrum leadership” training session—whatever that was—before Maggie poked her head back in.

  “Yeah, about that situation….” She waggled her eyebrows. Theo found it very hard not to smile. “You might want to deal with it today.” Theo crossed to the blinds, adjusting the slats so he could see out easily from his desk without being too obvious.

  Evan was backing out of the archive room, loaded with boxes, ducking under Joel’s outstretched arm as he held the heavy fire door open for him. Theo watched with something close to relief as Evan looked up the taller man, his expression bright and open, patently happy, saying thanks. His heart sank as Joel turned away, heading to his desk, his face uncharacteristically blank. Behind him, Evan clutched his boxes of papers, shifting them to get a better grip as a frown slid fleetingly across his face.

  The interns sat at adjacent desks, getting on with their tasks in unusual silence. Theo watched as Evan tried to engage Joel in conversation a few times before shrugging and heading toward the break room on his own. As he passed Joel’s desk he placed a hand on his shoulder. Theo lip-read as the blond asked if the taller man was feeling okay. At Joel’s sharp nod, he carried on walking.

  It was hard to ignore the way Joel’s jaw jutted a little, as if he was gritting his teeth, or how the fingers of his right hand traveled up his shirtfront to rest where Evan’s had touched his shoulder. In his office, Theo sagged back into his seat.

  “Damn.”

  The rest of his morning passed in a blur of phone calls and meetings. He swung by the break room just after 2 p.m., looking for food. He’d missed lunch and hated venturing into the cafeteria on his own. Even after a year, he still remembered the silence that fell the first time he’d gone in after losing Ben. It was human nature, he guessed, to avoid difficult subjects, and the death of a partner was something most people didn’t like to dwell on. He searched the kitchen area for food, head full of Ben, before noticing that Joel was sitting in the corner. For a tall man, he sure could make himself inconspicuous.

  Theo sighed. The half-miserable, half-angry expression on the younger man’s face looked all wrong.

  “Have you eaten yet?” Theo asked. Joel shook his head.

  “Come on.” Theo turned, leaving the break room without checking to see if Joel was following. He heard his footsteps, sounding close behind as they left the carpeted office and crossed the tiled lobby. Hesitating for a moment at the elevator, Theo stepped to the side and opened the door to the stairwell.

  “This way.”

  They descended in silence until they reached the second-floor cafeteria.

  “Let’s eat.”

  Theo surveyed the remains of the lunch menu; there wasn’t much left. Finally, he chose a chicken-salad bowl, along with a bottle of water, then waited at the checkout for Joel, who frowned impressively at the choices behind the glass. Eventually he made his selection, then insisted that he would pay for his own meal.

  They sat at a table near the window, eating in silence for a few minutes.

  Joel cracked first.

  “If I didn’t like cheese, I’d be shit out of luck.”

  Theo considered his words for a moment before replying. “Do you mean that all the vegetarian options here include cheese?”

  “Well, I guess that would be a more professional way to phrase it.”

  Theo put down his fork.

  “Joel, I want to talk to you about yesterday.” He stopped as Joel shook his head.

  “No need. I get it.”

  Theo didn’t think Joel got it. He thought he was completely mistaken, but he picked up his fork and continued eating, giving the younger man some mental space. Those few words had sounded uncharacteristically bitter.

  When Joel spoke again, Theo blinked over a fork filled with lettuce and tomato.

  “What’s with the diet food? Worried about keeping your figure?”

  This time Theo was determined to be heard. “Not particularly. If anything I have trouble keeping weight on, but heart health is important. It’s just as important at your age as it is at mine. You should really watch what you eat.” He was partly thinking about Morgan’s student-diet debate, and partly remembering Ben. He’d seemed to be as healthy as a fucking horse, with absolutely no outward indication that there was anything wrong with his heart, before he died.

  Joel poked at his pasta dish halfheartedly before giving up, pushing it away, and resting his chin in one hand. He looked the definition of dejected. Theo watched as he huffed out a breath, then sat up straight before speaking again.

  “I would have preferred it if you’d just told me to back off. If you have a thing going with….” He couldn’t make himself say Evan’s name, and Theo felt an inner clench at the way Joel’s face creased. “If I was stepping on your toes, you should have just said. I would have backed off. There wouldn’t have been any point even trying if….” His eyes flickered over Theo. “Anyway, I thought about it later. I wasn’t being professional; you were right.” He looked Theo in the eye. “But you weren’t honest,
and I think that’s worse.”

  “Yeah,” Theo agreed. “That would be worse, if it were true.” He nodded in the face of Joel’s skepticism. “I have zero romantic interest in anyone.” It was true, he told himself even as a mental image of Peter’s hand gripping his hip, bruising him as he grunted into his orgasm, flashed across the inside of his eyelids.

  “You’ve taken what you saw yesterday out of context, and that’s unfortunate. I can’t talk about the circumstances that motivated what you glimpsed, but I can absolutely promise that it wasn’t what you thought.” There was no way he was going to divulge what he and Evan had discussed yesterday morning. Theo took confidences very seriously. He wouldn’t discuss seeing Joel at the shelter either, unless he raised the subject first. Everyone was entitled to a little privacy, he figured.

  “So, while I’m not going to encourage—” He smiled at the younger man. “—unprofessional behavior in the office, I’m not your competition.” Nope, Theo was pretty sure that Joel’s only rival would be Evan’s sense of responsibility to his family. He pushed the remains of his salad away.

  Joel looked at him from across the table, eyes half-lidded. “Can this be a professionalism-free zone for five minutes?”

  Theo nodded his agreement. Maybe clearing the air would be a good thing. Joel pushed the sleeves of his shirt up to his elbows, obviously meaning business.

  “When you say that you’re not my competition, who is?”

  “No one person that I know of, and I’m not prepared to dwell on that subject in any detail. If you talked to me about personal stuff I wouldn’t mention it to anyone else either. I hope you know that.” Joel dropped his eyes as Theo spoke, then raised them again, nodding.

  “My real concern is that you’ll get yourself into hot water by harassing someone who isn’t interested, or maybe who isn’t even inclined the same way as you.”

  Joel just blinked, looking confused.

  Too many years of corporate-speak meant that Theo had to think hard before rephrasing.

  “You like Evan a lot, right?” Joel nodded, a blush creeping up from his shirt collar.

  “You like him so much that you think up excuses to be close to him, yes?” Joel nodded again.

  “How do you imagine it would feel coming into work every day if—” He looked around the cafeteria, which was almost empty, for inspiration. “—I don’t know… Heather! How would you feel if Heather did the same thing to you?”

  Joel’s face was a picture.

  “Dude, I don’t swing that way.”

  “Do you know for certain that Evan does? Swing the same way as you, I mean. Because if he doesn’t, and he gets up every morning dreading getting hit on at work, then I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask you to tone it down. I’d do the same regardless of gender.”

  Joel slumped back in his chair before rallying. “I’m pretty sure he’s queer.”

  “That might be true, or it might be wishful thinking, but either way it’s unprofessional to make your interest so obvious while you’re on the clock. That’s the bottom line, Joel. Any boss would tell you the same thing. It’s not at all because I’m interested in him myself.”

  Joel sat deep in thought. Theo drank his water, idly wiping the condensation ring from the table with his napkin.

  “I’m glad you’re not,” Joel mumbled, but Theo heard him clearly enough. “He’d choose you.”

  Theo laughed quietly as the cafeteria assistants wiped down tables nearby. “I strongly doubt that.”

  “Dude, have you looked in a mirror lately?”

  It was Theo’s turn to blush.

  He’d been told often enough by Ben that he looked good, but that wasn’t what he saw reflected in the mirror. He just noticed the glint of gray in his hair that dated back almost exactly twelve months, and laugh lines that stayed in place whether he smiled or not. The weight he’d dropped in the last year had hollowed out his cheeks too. Ben had called him babyface when he was in a teasing mood. Theo guessed that maybe he was finally looking his age.

  He didn’t bother trying to explain to Joel, who sat looking visibly more relaxed, that the idea of a relationship with someone their age was the last thing he’d ever want. Oh, he could see the appeal. Joel was like some charmed creature. Nothing should work for him—he was all arms and legs, with an unruly mess of hair where every other kid his age ironed their hair bone straight, and his face was just on the cusp of homely. But when he smiled, or when he was sparked with enthusiasm, Joel was pure magic.

  There was no way in hell that Theo could get caught up in that kind of spell. Or in the urge to protect, which Evan, with his brittle shell and fierce familial loyalty, provoked. No way. With the age gap between them, he’d spend every single day worried that he’d leave them—suddenly, painfully, with no time for good-byes—and he wouldn’t wish that agony on anyone.

  So he just smiled across at his intern, then rolled his eyes as if the concept of dating was ridiculous, and was rewarded by the first honest, huge Joel-grin he’d seen all day.

  “Are we good?” he asked. Joel nodded in reply. They returned to their floor in the elevator, chatting about Joel’s workload. When he went back to his office, Maggie followed him in, shutting the door carefully behind her.

  “I think I did a slightly better job of it this time, Mags.”

  They peered through the blinds as Joel got back to work, his face much more relaxed with his perpetual smile back in place. When Evan wheeled over on his chair, paperwork in hand, Joel’s eyes flickered over to Theo’s office door before settling on the blond next to him. They saw him listen intently to Evan as he read out a list of tasks, then take his work list and get right on with it. Theo noticed that Evan lingered for a minute, unconsciously wetting his lips as he gazed at the taller intern.

  Yeah, maybe Joel had been right all along about Evan.

  Theo got back to his work.

  THEO: I’m hot. Just thought you should know.

  MORGAN: Turning down your thermostat will not only solve your overheating problem, it will also help to save the planet. The world’s resources are finite, Theo. Take some fucking responsibility.

  THEO: I think you know what I’m talking about.

  MORGAN: You talked to your crazy kids? The consensus was that you’re hot? They must REALLY need the work.

  MORGAN: Fascist.

  Morgan could be such a shit. Theo sat at the back of a school lunchroom, texting surreptitiously while Maggie’s oldest child played violin. He had no idea that you could chat via cell phone until Morgan walked him through the process. It was somehow more personal than straightforward texting. Morgan’s avatar flashed up every time he messaged Theo. Every single time he saw the tiny picture of Michelangelo’s “David”, he smiled.

  THEO: Next you’ll be telling me that you look like your avatar: a perfect man.

  MORGAN: Nope. My penis is much smaller.

  THEO: *HUGS*

  Maggie elbowed him sharply until he blinked himself back into reality, belatedly joining in the applause for yet another screeching rendition of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” As the room emptied of damp-eyed parents and overexcited kids, Theo sent one last message.

  THEO: Got to go. Taking my girls home. Catch you later.

  He helped belt Maggie’s youngest into the car seat, trying not to wince at the way his tie was yanked. They made good time back to Maggie’s house, and he saw them in before declining coffee and pie. He was exhausted.

  It was always like this when he was getting over an episode with his back. An average day would wipe him out. Adding in anything extra, like going to the gym, would leave him ready to sleep standing up, but Mike had been held up getting back to the city. Honestly, it had been a pleasure to help them out for once. Maggie explained that she just needed someone to corral her youngest while she videoed the performance. Their usual babysitter couldn’t help, and they were already running late. Theo agreed to meet them at the school, then he minded Maggie’s yo
ungest until the toddler fell asleep in his lap.

  Theo didn’t mind helping, especially when Maggie explained that she couldn’t relax unless she knew exactly where her baby was. She could have found another babysitter, but she wouldn’t have been able to concentrate. She needed her youngest child close by.

  Maggie had cried during her interview for the role as Theo’s assistant. It hadn’t been the best of starts. She sobbed into his handkerchief, explaining that she needed to work but couldn’t face leaving her baby. She stumbled away from the interview, leaving Theo feeling terrible. Ben had trailed his fingers up and down Theo’s back in bed later, rubbing his tension away.

  “It’s attachment, tesoro. It’s natural for mothers and fathers to feel the bond with their bambini like a rope wrapped around their hearts.” He kissed across Theo’s shoulders. “When Marco went to school, Mamma wailed.” Ben’s youngest brother had been a surprise baby, born twenty years after Ben. “Are you going to give her the job?”

  Theo shrugged. On paper Maggie looked perfect, but man, could she cry.

  “You should tell her that weeping is normal. Very healthy.” Ben rolled his Rs in a way that made Theo squirm underneath him. “Then you should tell her that her baby will attach to the other people who care for her also.”

  Theo thought that sounded terrible. How would that make the poor woman feel any better?

  “Teaching children that other people can love and care for them is important, Theo. Imagine a life where you loved only one person.” Theo felt Ben shiver. “No, I have decided for you. Give her the job, and let other people love her baby also. It will be for the best.”

  Theo considered it one of his better hiring decisions.

  Just like Ben, he found little children captivating, especially Maggie’s. He just didn’t particularly know what to do with them. That had always been one of the best and worst things about going back to Milan every year. Ben’s nephews and nieces took full advantage of his good nature and cluelessness. Most of them were grown now, but he had fond memories of endless games and stints pushing swings that seemed to go on forever.