The Diary

by Julia Derek

  Jason hurried down Bedford Avenue, aimlessly scanning all the people he met on the street—well, the women. Somewhere here, in the many blocks that surrounded the Greyhound station, he hoped to find Lexi.

  He should never have let her go in the first place. Not given her that much space. He should have known that, in her state of mind, leaving her on her own could only end badly.

  But it was too late now; now he needed to fix it. Try to fix it.

  The phone conversation he’d had with the manager of the Akoya Miami Beach Condos yesterday echoed through Jason’s mind:

  “Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen her in months,” the owner said.

  “When was the last time you saw her?” Jason asked.

  There had been silence at the other end of the line. After some time, the owner had replied, “A long time ago. I really can’t remember. I’m sorry.”

  Shortly after speaking to the owner, Jason had checked Lexi’s credit card statements. The last purchase made with her VISA had been a one-way Greyhound ticket to Brooklyn, New York from Miami, Florida. Jason could only assume Lexi had purchased the ticket for her own use since she was no longer in Florida. Why he couldn’t figure out. If she wanted to come back home, why hadn’t she just booked a flight instead? They weren’t so cash-strapped that she needed to spend twenty-four hours on a grimy, sweaty Greyhound bus to reach New York City. Even so, if she preferred taking the bus for some strange reason, why hadn’t she purchased a ticket for one that stopped on Manhattan? Jason had checked and there were several Greyhound stations on Manhattan, which were all closer than the one she had chosen. Why Brooklyn? And why hadn’t she called him to tell him she was coming home? Jason didn’t think it had been to surprise him. If that was the case, she might as well take the bus to a Manhattan station, not to the Brooklyn one.

  Also, she would have appeared by now if it had only been about surprising him. According to Greyhound, the ticket had been used May 9th, 2009 and it was now September 11th, 2009.

  Jason bumped into a man on the street who gave him a glare. Jason didn’t pay him any attention, just kept scanning the streets hoping to see Lexi somewhere. She had to be here somewhere.

  The day before taking the bus, she had apparently paid the condo rent for the next six months. This was something else Jason struggled to understand. Why would she pay all that rent if she had not intended to stay there?

  The only reason he had figured out something wasn’t right was because Lexi’s mother had called him and told him it had been eight days since she’d last heard from Lexi.

  Part of their agreement when Lexi told him she needed to get away for a while was that she would check in with her mother every night. After the first couple of months down in Florida she seemed to be getting better, so they agreed she could call every second or third day instead. After yet another month of what appeared to be progress, they scaled down the phone calls to every five to seven days. Jason had felt confident that his wife’s depression was on its last legs, because, lately, each time she spoke to her mother, she apparently seemed upbeat and normal. Any day now she would call him and tell him she was returning home. But then a few days ago Sue Ann had contacted Jason to let him know how worried she was that something might have happened to Lexi. That was when he had called up the Akoya Miami Beach Condos and demanded to speak to the manager and found out the details about the prepaid rent and the fact that no one on the premises had seen her in a long time.

  There was only one thing he could feel somewhat sure of—-since it seemed Lexi had planned to disappear completely on him for some inexplicable reason, chances were she was still alive somewhere. He had already filed a missing person report with the police. When he had told them the background of the situation, the cop who took down the report had calmly informed him that they would put out an APB for her, but since she had been in touch with her mother so often and not him, unfortunately it seemed like she just didn’t want to have anything more to do with him from now on. She was an adult, so it would be up to Lexi whether they would reveal her new destination to him when or if they found her. All they could really promise him was a report that she was safe.

  He had smashed the lamp on the hallway table when he got home, he had been so frustrated with the police. If he relied on them, he might never get to see Lexi again. By having taken such extreme actions, it was clear that she really didn’t want him to find her. So why would she agree to see him when—if—the cops ever found her? No, he would have to find her himself if he wanted to see her again. He could only hope that he found her before the police and that he found her alive.

  The only clue he had to go by was the fact that Lexi had used a public phone close to where he was pacing up and down the streets in Brooklyn right now. Sue Ann, who was fully supportive of Jason’s personal search for Lexi, had called the phone company and they had told her where the last several phone calls from Lexi had originated. This led both him and Lexi’s parents to assume that she must be somewhere in this Brooklyn neighborhood. Jason thought that, if he paced the streets here and showed people in this area a photo of Lexi, he would eventually find her—or at least something that would lead him closer to where she might be.

  He had left the apartment early this morning to begin his search just the way he had done yesterday and by now, past six o’clock in the evening, he must have spoken to and shown Lexi’s photo to several hundreds of people. All in all, he must have spoken to more than a thousand by now. No one had seen a woman like her anywhere, nor had he himself seen anyone that even remotely resembled Lexi anywhere in this entire neighborhood. It wasn’t a great neighborhood, and many of the people who passed through seemed shady. The people who worked here weren’t very friendly, either. It was possible that someone had actually seen her, but didn’t want to divulge that information to him; he couldn’t be sure.

  His feet ached and his shirt was sweaty and dirty, and he felt like giving up. Maybe she wasn’t here any longer. Maybe the phone calls from the phone booth in this area had only been made when she was actually hanging around here and now she had moved on to somewhere else. Maybe he would need to hire a personal investigator in order to find her after all, though he still couldn’t see how such a person could do a better job than Jason himself. This was why he had instantly rejected the idea when Lexi’s parents had brought it up. He would find her, he’d assured them.

  Or maybe she was… no longer alive. It was difficult to even consider this possibility, but he knew that he must, so he allowed the thought to enter his head. Let it stay there for a few seconds before he pushed it away again. In his heart, he didn’t think this could be true. He believed that he would know if Lexi had died; he would feel it instinctively. But he didn’t feel this. Instead, he sensed that she was here somewhere and that she was alive.

  He sighed, defeated. He might as well admit it to himself; he needed the help of a professional if he was ever going to find her, swallow his stubborn male ego that had originally assured him he’d find her on his own. Obviously, it had been wrong.

  A rangy man with brown hair in a ponytail and a tan, appealing face walked down the street toward Jason. Somewhere in his late thirties, he was wearing a gray, worn T-shirt and baggy jeans with holes and stains on them. A tattered fanny pack was attached to the man’s hips. Their eyes connected as the man came closer to where Jason was standing outside a deli. I might as well give it one more shot, Jason thought. This guy will be the last one before I’ll call it a day. So when the man was only a couple of yards away from Jason, Jason pulled out the photo and said, “Excuse me,” to the man.

  The man paused and there was an inquisitive look on his face. Now that they were closer, Jason noted that the man had a light beard and that he looked… dirty, as if he had a film of grease mixed with dust over all of his skin. He looked just the way a homeless person looks, like they could use a good scrub down. Still, the man was not unattractive.

  “Yeah?” he said. “What can I do
for you?”

  Jason held up the photo he had of Lexi that by now was wrinkled and greasy from having been handled several hundred times in the hot, humid late summer weather. But you could still get a clear look of the woman it depicted.

  “Have you seen this woman somewhere?” Jason asked. “It’s my wife and I have reason to believe that she is somewhere in this area. She’s gone missing.”

  As the words left Jason’s mouth, he realized just how strange they sounded. Was this the way he had portrayed the situation the entire time, or only just now? He sure hoped it had only been just now because, to his own ears, it had sounded like he had announced that his pet rabbit had run away and that he was now searching for it. Not a human being—his wife.

  The bearded, narrow-faced man stared at the photo in Jason’s hand. As he finally removed his gaze and looked at Jason again, Jason noted that he was blinking rapidly and the smile that spread across his lips made him appear nervous. He shook his head quickly.

  “No, I’m sorry. I have no idea who that is.”

  Jason could smell the sweet, distinct odor of alcohol wafting toward him as the man spoke. He gave Jason a nod and then he kept walking down the street, faster than before.

  Instantly on alert, Jason turned his head and watched the rangy man disappear between the many people on the street. Before the crowds had fully swallowed him up, Jason started to move in his direction, keeping his eye on the man’s bobbing brown head that still floated among the others. Something about the way the man had stared at Lexi’s photo and then acted so perturbed afterward suggested that he knew more than he had been willing to admit to Jason. Having nothing better to do, no better lead, Jason decided he would go after the man. It might turn out to be a dead lead, but it was all he’d got and certainly worth a shot.

  He followed the man several streets, at times worrying that he had lost him, but then, finally, he spotted him again. The man stopped walking at a street corner where a small person with short, black hair sat. The hair was so short that Jason couldn’t tell whether it was a boy or a girl he was looking at sitting there on the street with a big, white plastic cup between the bare legs. The person was wearing baggy, cut-off jean shorts and a tattered-looking green tank top. The feet wore cheap-looking flip-flops.

  The small person seemed happy to see the tan man, who sat down on the street and peered into the white cup. They were talking about something. Jason made sure he kept his distance, not wanting either of them to notice that someone was watching them. He was still half a block away, hiding behind a bus station. At the moment, he only got a view of the man’s small friend’s back. It was so warm outside still that no more than the minimal clothing the person wore was required. In fact, Jason wished he was wearing a lot less than the T-shirt and jeans he had on himself. Shorts and a tank top would have been a better choice for what he was doing today, considering the sweltering weather.

  Finally, the rangy man got to his feet and held out a hand toward the other person, who took it and stood up. Jason noted now that this was very much a woman or a girl, not a young man. No teenage boy had boobs like this one. Jason shaded his eyes to get a better view of the woman; he desperately wanted to get a look at her face. But the sun was shining straight into his eyes over the building before him, making it hard to see clearly.

  The couple began walking down the street, the rangy man having slung an arm around the woman’s shoulders. Jason set after them, careful to keep his head down as he scurried closely but not too closely behind. Thankfully, the man didn’t seem to notice that Jason had followed him because he seemed in no hurry to get away from the streets.

  Jason’s heart kept pumping wildly as he continued after the couple. The woman had now slipped an arm around the man’s back, smiling big at him. Jason thought that she looked like Lexi, moved like Lexi, but he couldn’t be sure. Plus, this woman had stubby, black hair. Lexi loved her long, caramel brown locks. She would never ever cut them and color them black, would she?

  Not the Lexi he was used to at least. Of course, the Lexi he was used to would never hang around here in Brooklyn, begging for money on the street. The Lexi he knew didn’t have to. She had a job and a husband that she loved and who loved her. Why would she ever give that up to be with some drunken loser in a shady area of Brooklyn? It was probably just a girl that reminded him of Lexi. Jason had probably just read too much into the way the man had looked when he had shown him Lexi’s photo. Why else was this guy so relaxed now as he was walking down the street with that girl—the potential Lexi—under his arm? Jason was just wasting his time following these two people. Still, he couldn’t make himself stop. He needed to get a better look of the girl before he gave up.

  The couple took a sharp right turn when they reached the next street corner. Jason picked up his pace so that he would see where they were heading. Peering around the building he hid behind, he watched them walk up to a rundown apartment building. They disappeared into the front door. Jason remained on the street, still standing behind the street corner.

  Now what? he asked himself, his heart banging in his chest. Should he rush after them and see which apartment they walked into? Well, he’d better hurry in that case or it would be too late. Just as he had made up his mind that he would run after them, he saw that the building’s front door suddenly opened. The girl with the short, black hair came back out and she was walking in his direction.

  Retracting his head, he pressed himself against the building wall and tried to think what to do next. Should he just remain here, pretending to be… what? Waiting for someone? He supposed he had no other choice but to pretend that he was. If it actually was Lexi, it wouldn’t matter what he did anyway. He could hear the girl approaching the spot where he was standing.

  He held his breath as she came up to the corner and then rounded it. As she discovered him standing there, she let out a little yelp and tried to become one with the building, disappear into it. Then she froze and simply stared at him. He stared back and then grabbed her arm.

  “Lexi!”

  It was Lexi all along… He was filled with an immense sense of relief. He had finally found her and she was alive! But he was also filled with something else, something like dread and sadness he thought at first before he realized what it really was—intense jealousy.

  What had she been doing with that man, walking with him like they were a couple, looking so happy?

  She tried to shake herself free from his firm grip, but he wouldn’t let go. He would never let her go again, not that easily.

  “Lexi,” he said again, softer this time, pushing away his expanding jealousy. “What are you doing here?”

  She stared at him with uncomprehending eyes, settling down a little. Then, as if something suddenly dawned on her, she lowered her gaze to the ground. He could tell how her body lost the sudden rigidity that had come over her at the sight of him. He loosened his grip around her arm, sure that she wouldn’t go anywhere. She met his eyes again, hers full of tears now.

  “I’m here because I want to die,” she said simply. A whiff of alcohol came out of her mouth as she spoke. As Jason took a closer look at her, he noted that her eyes were not only blurry from tears, but they were also puffy and red. Her entire face was puffy and blotted with red, the way an alcoholic’s face is puffy and red in places such as the nose and the cheeks. She had lost weight, being a mere shadow of her previous self now.

  Pain went through him as he took in her pitiful appearance and he wanted to cry himself, but of course that would never happen. He never cried. Instead he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, glad that she didn’t resist the way he had feared she would. But she didn’t sling her own arms around him, either, just remained there and let herself be hugged. He stiffened as an image of how easily she had slung her arm around that other man entered his mind, how easily she had smiled at him. The man she had disappeared into the building with only minutes earlier.

  “Who is the man?” he asked in a v
oice he could hear himself was fraught with jealousy. The jealousy kept expanding and expanding within him, causing his throat and lungs to ache. “What are you doing with him?”

  Lexi didn’t reply, simply kept hiding her face against his chest like an ashamed child. He could feel her tremble slightly and his T-shirt getting wet from her hot tears.

  Swallowing back the continued assaults of jealousy, he removed her gently from his chest. He put a finger under her chin and raised it so she had to face him. “You’re coming home with me now, okay?” he said, not really asking.

  She didn’t respond, barely nodded, but she did move her feet and walked with him as he took her hand and led her away from the dirty, potholed Brooklyn street where they were standing. An hour later they were back home in their apartment on the Upper West Side where Jason drew up a bath for Lexi. When she was clean, he put her to bed and watched her fall asleep with the help of several sleeping pills, not leaving her bed once the entire night.

  Chapter 23

  NOW

  Icy rain drops strike Jason’s face as he exits the 9th Ave subway station in Brooklyn. He hasn’t been back in this shoddy neighborhood more than once since he found Lexi here the last time. Not that he usually has a reason to visit this part of Brooklyn, but even if he did, he would have done everything in his power to make it so that he wouldn’t have to go. He never wants to come back here again. He doesn’t want to have to think about the things he has been plagued with ever since he found Lexi on these streets more than he already does. Almost every day does he think about how Lexi has voluntarily spent months with another man. Slept with him every night.

  He has never mentioned to his wife just how much her being with this other man bothers him. He keeps it to himself. After all that she has suffered, he doesn’t feel that he can, or even should. Besides, he knows that she wasn’t herself then, so how can he blame her? Even so, a small part of him keeps on blaming her. A small part of him cannot forgive her for betraying him like that. That part of him hates her for what she has done, eats away at him slowly but surely the way acid wears down the enamel on your teeth. Some days the painful memories sting worse than others, and today is one of those. Being here again inevitably bring them back all at once, which of course causes their intensity to magnify tenfold.