Saving Her

by Mia Ford

  When I got up, Jake’s head rose from underneath the covers at our feet, but when he realized that it was only me, he grumbled, huffed, and returned to sleep.

  I left Jake there to guard Carrie and Jake didn’t seem to mind.

  I quietly exited the cabin and drew in a deep breath of fresh air. I wished for my head to clear, at least minimally, with the breath, but instead, it resorted back to a hazed, worried annoyance as soon as I released the chilly air from my lungs.

  I grumbled under my breath and walked out of the clearing, into the woods that have now become the most familiar home I had.

  I was comfortable here, but there was a whole world out there that at one time, I wanted to explore.

  For the past few years, I couldn’t care less about anything other than my privacy, but the vast mountain now, started to seem a little small.

  Am I trying to give myself an excuse to run, or break free? I thought, quickly deciding that I wasn’t trying to get away from Carrie.

  In fact, I was trying to find a way to keep her.

  I knew that if I was to stay up here, refusing to become part of society, a normal life would never be possible.

  So, I needed to give myself a reason to leave, a reason to be normal again, without doing it strictly for Carrie.

  If I was going to leave, I needed to ensure that even if things didn’t work out with Carrie, I wouldn’t resort to cutting myself off from humanity. Especially since, I knew I wouldn’t be able to come out here again. There would be too many memories and thus, it would be worse than staying in society.

  Contemplating the events and actions taken throughout the past few days, I focused on the escalation. It had felt so right, so natural. It still did.

  There was no doubt in my mind that I was more attracted to her now, than I was before we had made love.

  I would do anything to be able to give her the chance I knew she deserved…but I also knew that I was getting ahead of myself.

  I was certain that thinking this way would only give me false hope. I didn’t want to be up here in the mountains, away from everyone. I wished I felt differently about humanity. I wished I had the ability to forgive and to let go of the past but the fact that I still felt guilty, even though there was nothing to feel bad about was proof that I was incapable of becoming that person.

  I couldn’t forgive, and I couldn’t forget. I had made my decision, and apparently, against my wishes and willingness to try, I was unable to commit to attempting to have a normal life ever again.

  Why are you sabotaging what is probably your last chance at happiness? I thought, angrily as I pushed my way through the bushes. The physical attempt to relieve the stress wasn’t working. The movement only made me more aggravated and the inconsistency of my racing thoughts was maddening.

  One minute, I wanted to figure out how to leave this mountain and try to rebuild my life, hopefully with Carrie by my side but the next, I was giving myself a million reasons why I should stay put.

  I couldn’t make up my mind and all I wanted to do was get back to the cabin and go to sleep.

  Usually, sex was good for that, but I supposed the guilt counteracted any release of tension the lovemaking had created; resulting in a clusterfuck of doubt, indecision, and confusion.

  I certainly didn’t want to feel guilty, especially when there was nothing I could do about it. I had no one to forgive me or hate me for what I’ve done. There was no one that I had in my life that was worthy of judging me, or even forgiving me, because I hadn’t actually done anything wrong. Yet, my conscious seemed to think I had.

  I walked around, mostly in a wide circle for about an hour, before I decided that I should return to the cabin.

  While I didn’t want to go back, the longer I was out, the more stressed I became about something happening while I was away.

  I tried to convince myself that Jake was there, and everything would be fine, but the anxiety I felt eventually got the better of me.

  When I returned, I was surprised to find Carrie was awake.

  “Hi,” she grinned, her eyes gazing at me amorously, “I hope you don’t mind. I figured I would try to actually walk around a little, but I got tired.”

  Instead of sitting in the bed, she was now sitting in my chair. I was pleased to see that she had prepared tea for herself.

  “No, it’s fine. Great, actually. I’m glad to see you’re able to get up and get around. How’s your ankle?” As I spoke, my eyes lowered to her leg, where I saw a clear view of her ankle.

  “It’s good! You did a great job patching me up,” she exclaimed. “The only reason I had to stop was because I was tired. It didn’t have anything to do with my leg…Also, my tea was done.”

  Playfully, she held up the mug and grinned widely.

  In that snapshot of her, glowing with post-lovemaking excitement, sitting in my chair, hoisting up a mug, from tea she had figured out how to make herself in my quaint kitchen, Cassie looked perfectly at home.

  “That’s good. I know it’s small, but you are welcome wherever you want to go,” I answered her, more to get my mind off the image that I had gotten of her, of what could possibly be the start of us, if I wasn’t so damn stubborn. “My chair, your chair. My tea, your tea.”

  “Do you want some?” Cassie asked quickly, as though she felt guilty for not offering earlier.

  I shook my head, “No, I’m fine, thanks.”

  She grinned at me and took a sip of her tea, pointedly settling deeper into my chair.

  “I get why you always sit in this chair. It’s really comfortable,” she replied playfully.

  “Yeah, well, when comfort is all you have…” I grumbled, realizing that I absolutely hated the feeling of contentment the sight awarded me.

  Chapter 11:

  Carrie

  When I awoke to the silent, empty cabin, save for Jake, who was curled up at my feet, still taking up nearly half the bed, I wasn’t the least bit afraid.

  Strangely enough, waking up in the cabin gave me a greater sense of comfort than waking up in my apartment ever did; even with the looming threat of a potential killer.

  This was strange to me, because I thought I must be crazy. The idea that I was in more danger than ever but felt safer than ever didn’t make sense.

  I was almost bothered by the fact that I couldn’t find much fear in being alone there.

  Did my mind just give up? I wondered, though I knew that wasn’t the case. I was well aware of my surroundings and the potential danger I was in, but strangely enough, I trusted both Johnathan and Jake.

  Even though Johnathan had left, presumably to think, even though I was angry with him, I knew that he would never truly leave me. Plus, Jake was here. I knew he would protect me in Johnathan’s absence.

  Simply the size of the massive dog, I presumed, would discourage almost anyone.

  Especially that dipshit guide, I thought, strangely unafraid of him. Perhaps I felt shielded by the massive dog that slept at my feet, or the fact that despite our argument, I was content with the day Johnathan and I had shared.

  Still, I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t freaking out, being that a dog can only protect me from so much.

  However, I found a strange sense of contentment, in being alone in the cabin.

  It was still daylight, but I was fatigued. I wanted to go back to sleep, but quickly realized I couldn’t.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t understand why that was, since I had slept for a few days, almost consecutively by this point and decided that my body was simply done sleeping; although I still felt like I could use a few more hours, at least.

  Yet, I took the advice my body was obviously trying to give me and got out of the bed.

  I wasn’t hungry, but I wanted something, so I decided to make myself some tea.

  Walking across the room, toward the kitchen, I was pleased to find that my ankle was healing well. I didn’t have any pain, only a little bit of weakness. Yet, I was still sure to take care. The last thing
I needed was to re-injure it when I was making so much progress.

  Although, it felt good to be up and walking around, my body ached, from the disuse and then the abundance of movement. Between the exertion of lovemaking and putting pressure on it to walk across the kitchen had tested the limits. However, it was eventually able to settle into the ability to be mobile without all that much pain.

  Soon after I woke up, I saw a mound in the blankets on the bed rise, before a big, black snout shoved its way to freedom from the covers. I watched the nose sniff in the air, nostrils flaring, trying not to laugh.

  Eventually, the rest of his head poked out.

  “Don’t worry, boy. I’m still here,” I told him as he wrestled with the blanket to throw it off him.

  When he saw me, his tail started to wag excitedly, and he leapt off the bed, nearly instantly arriving at my side.

  “Good boy,” I told him, petting his head, and looking around for something to give him. I found a jar, which was filled with large treats. I grabbed a few and gave them to him, while Jake bounced up and down excitedly. His movements seemed to make the whole cabin quake.

  When my tea was finished, I sauntered over to the chair, not wanting to return to the bed, but wanting to get off my feet.

  I settled in, noticing that this was extremely relaxing. I closed my eyes but didn’t sleep. Instead, I thought about everything that had happened this morning and wondered what that meant.

  Also, I wondered if it should mean anything. After all, we were both in a stressful situation, which could evoke reactions that weren’t exactly the normal responses that either of us would make if we weren’t in such a situation.

  Still, there was a large part of me that didn’t want such a scenario to be the case.

  Johnathan, even with his callous nature and strange behavior, made me feel a sense of excitement and need that I had never experienced before.

  Johnathan wasn’t my first, but he was undoubtedly my best. I had never experienced such a fulfilling sexual encounter in all my life. I couldn’t wait to do it again. He was so exciting and mysterious, but strangely, it wasn’t those qualities that intrigued me during sex.

  While we were making love, I felt as though I was actually experiencing Johnathan, the real, unbridled Johnathan, for the first time.

  I felt as though for the first time, probably in a long time, but certainly since we met, he actually allowed himself some freedom.

  I knew that it couldn’t be easy for him to continuously be that person, who hides everything and shoves everyone away, all the time. I knew there must be a reason, but even with such a staunch commitment, it couldn’t be easy to continue to be someone he wasn’t.

  Making love to him had shown me what he was really capable of. He was sweet, considerate, and caring, without sacrificing his masculinity.

  He was the full, sexy, dreamy package, wrapped into one extremely shielded person.

  However, I was convinced that even with the small, but powerful introduction, I had become enamored with the man behind his façade.

  I wondered how to get Johnathan to trust me enough to show me that man again, preferably in a situation where it was more appropriate for us to talk.

  I wanted to get to know more about that Johnathan; the man that didn’t feel he needed to hide.

  However, when Johnathan returned, despite how happy I was to see him, I could immediately tell that he wasn’t happy to see me.

  While having the conversation about the tea and his chair, for a moment, I held out hope that I was wrong.

  Yet, when he made no effort to continue the conversation, my original thoughts were confirmed.

  “What’s wrong, Johnathan?” I asked, hoping that he would find it appropriate to speak to me, instead of blowing me off, as he often did.

  “Listen, Carrie, I just want you to know that what happened before will not happen again, okay?”

  “Um, okay…” I replied, unable to hide the fact that I was intensely hurt by his gruffness. “Why? What changed?”

  “You’ve had your experience, fucking a mountain man, so you should leave it at that,” he retorted in an ire-stricken voice.

  I could tell that he was hurt, though I didn’t understand why. I felt hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. I was angry and hurt. I immediately felt used and disrespected.

  “What?” I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and rushing over to him. “Johnathan, please, I wasn’t looking for any kind of experience. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wanted you…I still want you…” When I poke, my voice sounded nearly as desperate as I felt.

  I reached for him, but he backed away.

  “Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…

  “Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”

  He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.

  “Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”

  “No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”

  “Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”

  “For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”

  “Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”

  As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.

  However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.

  I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.

  Chapter 12:

  Johnathan

  I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.

  Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.

  I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.

  Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had t
old me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.

  I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.

  She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.

  Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.

  Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.

  I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.

  If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.

  What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.

  I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.

  Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.