“Not if you want to keep on living,” she declared aggressively, clasping the hilt of her sword.
“Okay then, …….. um … ‘Lotus Petal’?”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” she contradicted. “No flowers of any description.”
“‘Beauty’?”
“Don’t be so male!” she grunted. “I’m not a sex object.”
“‘Annabelle’?”
“That’s almost as bad as ‘Tinkerbell’,” she told me, derisively.
“‘Thorn?’” I offered in desperation.
“Hmmm, not bad,” Arugohumna mused. “It is part of my name after all, I suppose, and it does describe my fighting abilities. Yes, I’ll accept ‘Thorn’.”
“Thank heavens for that,” I remarked, secretly hoping she never discovered that I’d meant the name to refer more to her personality than anything else. “‘Thorn’ it is, then. Should we have a drink of something to celebrate your new name?”
“What do you have?” she asked.
“Well, there’s cordial and fruit juice and wine,” I replied. “I could also make tea or coffee.”
“Wine is for extra special occasions only,” I was primly informed, “and cordial is full of your sugar. Caffeine will make me buzz around like a deranged fly.”
“So it’s fruit juice then?” I enquired, patiently.
“Yes, please,” she agreed.
I searched around for something small enough to present to her and finally decided on a thimble. I very carefully filled it with juice and placed it at her feet. With surprising strength, she lifted it up and drank it in one motion. I was impressed. She wiped her mouth elegantly and uttered a discrete little burp. “Nice,” she complimented.
“Now that all the preliminaries are over,” I commented, “what’s the real reason you’re here?”
Arugohumna ……. that is, Thorn, sat down cross-legged and cleared her throat.
“Well,” she began, “it’s a little embarrassing for us. Someone has stolen something, and we want it back.”
“And that thing is ……… ?” I prompted.
“It’s the Crystals,” she informed me.
“Crystals?” I echoed. “Why are they so important? Just go find some more.”
“Don’t be so stupid!” she criticised. “They’re not ordinary crystals. If they were, we’d replace them.”
“Why?” I asked, curiously. “What’s so special about them?”
“They provide …… provided us with energy,” she explained. “Everything we have runs on the energy they produced. And now they’re gone!” She jumped to her feet and began pacing agitatedly up and down.
“Where do I come into this scenario?” I questioned.
“The Elders thought your human abilities may help us find the thief and recover what they stole,” Thorn conceded. “Frankly, I don’t see how. The Mayor agrees with me. All humans are ignorant. I was against this whole scheme from the start.”
“You shouldn’t be suppressing your feelings like this,” I sardonically noted. “You could do yourself serious emotional damage.”
“Oh, you’re so funny!” she sneered. “Your sense of humor is exceeded only by your intelligence. If we have to rely on you, then we’ll never get our Crystals back.” She threw up her hands in disgust. “This is hopeless! How are you going to be of any help?”
“That thought crossed my mind, too,” I agreed, “despite the ungracious way you worded it. How in the world am I going to be of any assistance?”
“We were going to ‘disbig’ you,” she informed me.
“You were going to what me?” I asked, with some alarm.
“Disbig you,” she snapped. “Disbig! Are you deaf?”
“Don’t shout at me,” I cautioned. “I could squash you like a bug, you know.”
“Just you try!” Thorn yelled, drawing her sword and bouncing up and down furiously. “I’ll turn you into Swiss cheese! Go on! Take your best shot!”
Her antics made me smile. Touchy indeed! She could go from placid to raging in one tenth of a second – an incredible feat of emotional acceleration.
“Calm down,” I pleaded. “This is getting us nowhere. Could you at least explain what this ‘disbig’ thing is?”
Thorn slammed her sword back in its scabbard and glowered at me. “It’s a process where we put you into another body.”
“What, like zombie possession?” I asked in a horrified voice.
“Of course not,” she barked. “We put your mind into a One clone and you use the body for as long as you need to. Then we return you to your human body. It’s totally painless, well, …. nearly painless.”
“Why on earth would you want to do such a horrible thing?” I stammered. “I’ve never heard of anything so ghastly!”
“Oh, don’t be such a wussy wuss!” Thorn snorted. “It should be obvious, even to your limited brain, that you can’t go clumping around the landscape in your human form. You need to be my size, and this is the only way we can do it.”
Another thought then struck me. “You have clones?” I asked, amazed. “When did you learn to do that?”
“We’ve been making clones for ages,” Thorn smirked. “You humans aren’t the only ones with a scientific background, you know. Okay, you may be ahead of us in mechanical engineering, but we’re streets ahead of you in biology.”
Chapter 3
“And what does the clone think about all of this?” I questioned. “You know, there are some serious reservations about this whole cloning business, even in my world. I’m not sure it’s ethical.”
“A clone is a clone,” Thorn shrugged. “We don’t mistreat them in any way and there’s only ever two or three in existence at any one time. They seem to have no ennuisant.”
“Any …… what?”
“Ennuisant,” Thorn explained. “Your concept of the ‘soul’ would be its equivalent, I suppose. They don’t appear to have any will or emotions of their own. It’s only when another person takes them over that they appear to become rational, thinking beings.”
I took a deep breath. “Okay, putting aside the philosophical questions for a minute, where did you learn to speak ……. um, transmit English?”
“We’ve been spying on you humans for aeons,” Thorn smugly replied. “Despite your clumsiness and general dull thinking, you occasionally come up with one or two bright ideas that are worth copying.”
“You’re too kind,” I mockingly told her.
She waved her hand dismissively. “Think nothing of it,” she told me.
“You’re rather anti-human, aren’t you?” I asked. “But you know, to all outward appearances, you’re somewhat human-looking yourself.”
Thorn immediately bridled at my suggestion. “The One are not human!” she stoutly averred. “I’ll admit there may be some superficial similarities, but we’re not related in any way. Humans are petty, cruel, insensitive and boorish. The One are nothing like that.”
“I see,” I said. “So all of human literature and art mean nothing to the One?”
“Well, that appears to be the exception,” Thorn grudgingly admitted. “Human art and writings are your one saving grace. Some of you aren’t complete barbarians.”
“I’ll accept that as a rare compliment,” I smiled. “Let’s get back to this clone thing. So, I’m to be put into the mind of a passive clone, am I? What can you possibly hope to achieve by doing that?”
“Search me,” Thorn said. “The Elders think that a fresh prospective from a different angle may help the situation. I have to confess that we don’t seem to be getting anywhere with our investigations.”
“So, your whole community is without power?”
“Not quite,” I was informed. “We do have reserve crystals which help. They’re not as strong as the originals, but we can manage with them for the meantime. However, we need the real ones back.”
“I’m not sure about any of this,” I stated. “Even if I do go, what guarantee will I have that I�
��ll be able to get back into my original body?”
Thorn appeared shocked. “You have my word!” she declared. “The word of a One is beyond reproach! We have a code of honor, even if you humans don’t.”
“Again with the human-bashing?” I sighed, wearily. “Really, Thorn, don’t you ever get tired of it?”
“If I ever meet a human worthy of praise,” she insisted, “then I’ll stop. But until then …… ”
“I get the picture,” I acceded, privately thinking that the One were a particularly self-righteous and conceited race. But then again, we humans hadn’t exactly covered ourselves in glory throughout our history either. We’ve done some terrible, terrible things, and were still doing them, so we certainly weren’t in any position to be pointing an accusing finger at another’s faults.
“Well?” Thorn brusquely demanded.
“Well, what?” I asked, at a loss.
“Are you going to be disbigged or not? I can’t wait around all day.”
“Hey, this is a mind boggling decision,” I informed her. “You’re asking me to be shrunk down to the size of an ant and then to go rushing around like a mad thing, chasing after crystals, when I don’t even know what they look like. I’m going to need some more time to think about it.”
True to form, Thorn picked up on the one thing guaranteed to make her incoherent with anger. “Size of an ant?” she stormed, her wings winnowing in fury. “Are you trying to start a fight? Well, I’m ready! Bring it on!”
“Don’t be such a prickle puss,” I admonished, waving a finger in her direction and quickly snatching it away as she slashed at it with her sword. “Take it easy, will you? Stop being insulted at everything I say!”
“Well, you started it,” she grumbled, sheathing her weapon. “You’re always denigrating me.”
“No, I’m not,” I contradicted. “You take offence at the slightest thing. You must spend your whole time fighting duels.”
“The One do not fight duels,” Thorn sternly rebuked me. “That’s strictly a human notion. We simply .….. um ….. settle things amicably ……. with ….err…. swords.”
“And if that’s not a duel,” I remarked, with a raised eyebrow, “then exactly what is it?”
“It’s an affair of honor,” Thorn remarked, stiffly. “Although I don’t expect you to understand that concept.”
“Do you have any friends left at all?” I enquired, sardonically.
“More that you, anyway,” she blazed.
Thorn’s invective made me pause. Yes, her words were true. I didn’t have many friends because I wasn’t a social person. In my younger days, the lack of companionship made me feel desperately lonely, but that no longer applied. I was content in myself to be alone. In fact, I now preferred it.
“I’m sorry,” Thorn stammered, remorsefully. “I didn’t mean it. I was angry but I shouldn’t have said what I did. I apologise.”
“That’s okay,” I told her. “You’re right, of course. I hardly have any friends at all, but it doesn’t bother me.”
“Really?” she commented. “At least we have one thing in common, then. I’ve always relied on myself as well.”
“Why am I not surprised at that?” I muttered under my breath.
“What was that?” Thorn demanded, sharply. “What did you say?”
“Nothing!” I declared, hurriedly. To change the subject, I asked, “Tell me about your Elders. Are they elected or is it a simple hereditary dictatorship?”
“There you go again,” Thorn complained, “criticising our ways. And what’s so great about a democracy, huh? All I ever hear about democracy is corruption at all levels, vote buying, party slush funds and government leaders being arrested. Don’t you dare pass judgment on the Elders! You have nothing to boast about.”
“You’re right,” I conceded. “Democracy isn’t foolproof. It’s a grand experiment in freedom that doesn’t always work as it should. Explain your system, please. I genuinely want to know.”
“Very well,” Thorn huffed. “If you’re sincere about it ……. The Elders are hereditary, but they can be replaced by popular demand. If a person of exceptional ability turns up, they can be elected, but that doesn’t happen very often. The procedure works fine, so don’t give me any of your smart comments! Now, enough stalling, are you going to be disbigged or not?”
Chapter 4
My mind whirled. Did I really want to be shrunk down to the size of a …… ah, kitten? I mean, it was ridiculous! I didn’t believe it could be done for a second. And, just supposing it could be done, what would happen after that? For one thing, I’d be in someone else’s body and that was enough to give me the heebie-jeebies. And then, I’d have to run around after some bunch of crystals without the slightest chance of success. What did I know about tracking crystals? I wouldn’t know where to start. No, it was impossible! What did I know about these fairies …… elves …… ‘One’ things? If they were all like Thorn, I’d spend the whole time arguing and listening to insults, and not getting anywhere. It was on the tip of my tongue to refuse Thorn’s request when she did something extraordinary that changed my mind.
“Please?” she implored, her eyes filling with tears. “You have to come! We can’t survive without those Crystals and you may be our only hope.” She held out her arms in a pleading motion. “Please help us!”
I stared at her in amazement. I hadn’t imagined she’d be the type to beg for anything. Her eyes held mine defiantly but I could see how much the asking had cost her pride. It must have been the ultimate humiliation for her. How could I refuse such a sacrifice? And, on top of all that, my curiosity began to override my caution. I didn’t consider myself to be a particularly brave individual, but I’d always had an abiding fascination about anything unusual ever since childhood. And here was a unique opportunity to discover an entirely new world, an undiscovered species and another way of life. I’d have to be mad to pass up this opportunity. Before the rational part of my brain could interfere, I nodded to Thorn and said, “I’ll do it.”
“You will?” she said, joyfully. “Excellent. The Elders will thank you.”
“Don’t get too carried away,” I cautioned. “I’m not all that sure I’ll be able to do much, but I’ll give it my best shot.”
“That’ll have to do,” Thorn told me, fluttering into the air. “I’ll come back tomorrow morning with someone who can make the transfer. Be ready.” She hesitated, then said, “I still think it’s a waste of time, but you might surprise me.” With that dubious statement of confidence, she flitted out an open window and disappeared.
Needless to say, I found it very difficult to go back to sleep. All sorts of images cascaded through my mind and I tossed and turned for over an hour before drifting into a troubled doze. I awoke, fussed and grumpy, but with an undercurrent of tingling anticipation. This promised to be the weirdest thing I had ever attempted, and I began to seriously doubt my sanity. Had I completely lost my mind? I was trusting myself to an unstable, erratic, rational-challenged, tetchy and irritable ……. whatever-she-was. I shrugged. At least my life would be rather interesting in the near future.
The day filled up with mundane activities, all badly performed, because I kept thinking of what was about to happen the next morning. I veered wildly between being ultra-confident on the one hand and then supremely terrified on the other. But the dice had been cast and I had made my decision. I could just imagine what Thorn would do if I turned around now and said that I wasn’t going to do it after all. I’m sure she’d throw the Mother of all Tantrums. I spent a fruitless hour making a list of all the things I should take with me, only to finally come to the conclusion that, of course, I couldn’t take anything with me. I was exchanging bodies, not being shrunk. I briefly wondered what was going to happen to my body while I was gallivanting around as a One. I fervently hoped it would still be around for me to use.
I went to bed that night, understandably taking a little longer to go to sleep than normal, and was awakene
d by an insistent tugging on my ear. I groggily peered at the bedside clock. Two o’clock again. I turned my head the other way and beheld Thorn, accompanied by another One, standing on my pillow. “Why do you always turn up in the middle of the night?” I grumbled. “There are a lot more civilised hours to make an appearance.”
“We’re a nocturnal race,” the newcomer replied, with a slight smile. “We tend to hide during the day. It safer for us.”
“Unfortunately,” I commented, stifling a yawn, “humans aren’t nocturnal. Well, apart from burglars, that is. Please take that into consideration on the next occasion. I’m not at my best this time in the morning.”
“Duly noted,” I was told.
“This is Phillymunna,” Thorn introduced, putting a hand on her companion’s shoulder. “Phillymunna, this is Stephen.”
“Pleased to meet you,” I declared, instinctively putting out my hand for a handshake. Hey, I was still half-asleep, remember.
Phillymunna looked at my thrust-out hand in confusion. “What does he want me to do?” he whispered to Thorn.
“It’s one of those strange human customs,” Thorn informed him. “It’s a greeting ritual. You’re supposed to shake his hand.”
“Shake his hand?” Phillymunna gasped. “I couldn’t even shake his finger, let alone his hand!”
By this time, my fogged brain had finally began to function properly, and I saw the ridiculousness of the situation and withdrew my hand. “Sorry about that,” I muttered. “Force of habit, you understand.”
“That’s fine,” Phillymunna said, with obvious relief. “Please forgive my ignorance of your customs. I’m not like Thorn who spends most of her time out in the open. I confine my activities to the laboratory and you’re the first human I’ve ever seen. You’re a lot bigger than I imagined.”
I almost blurted out how small I found him but luckily stopped myself in time. Thorn eyed me belligerently as if anticipating my comment and preparing to take immediate offence. To head off an inevitable argument about respective sizes, I confessed, “I’m having difficulty with the pronunciation of your names. Would you mind if I shortened yours to ‘Phil’, just for the sake of expediency? I mean no disrespect. “
Crystal Thief (1) (The Underground Kingdom) Page 2
