Coconuts and Wonderbras

by Lynda Renham

  ‘You have to memorise them,’ he insists firmly.

  As if I am ever going to have a need for them. He was so animated teaching me the codes that he has relaxed his grip on the paddle and is allowing the boat to drift happily in the current. The views are fantastic and I am finally relaxing. My headache has eased and all I need is a drink for everything to be perfect. Jamie has protested quite strongly, and I don’t blame him, that he gave me the correct address for the hotel and has no idea why the driver took us to the village. I attempt to look surprised. I really must own up soon but there never seems to be a right time. Either Bryant is too nice and I don’t want to spoil it, or he is being really horrid and I don’t want to make things worse. It is becoming tricky, very tricky.

  The only thing on my mind right now is my thirst and I voice my desire unwittingly. Without a word he steers the boat to the bank and climbs out. I watch mesmerised as he cuts a coconut from a tree followed by several bananas. Smiling, he throws them at me before climbing back into the boat.

  ‘By your face I’m presuming not something Toby would do then?’

  ‘He’d hope to buy a bottle of Perrier from a nearby stall,’ I say, trying not to smile, while feeling quite bad for mocking Toby.

  He grins and points the penknife at the coconut.

  ‘For my next trick…’ he continues, raising his eyebrows at me.

  Good Lord, he actually does have a sense of humour.

  ‘You will slice through the coconut with your penknife?’

  He opens the rucksack with a flourish.

  ‘That is not a knife.’ He mimics an Australian accent. ‘This… is a knife.’ And with a flick of his wrist produces a large knife and slashes into the coconut, which he then hands me to drink. I stare at it fussily and after seeing him raise his eyebrows, I lift the rough hairy shell to my lips and drink. The milk is cool and refreshing.

  ‘What would Penelope do then?’ I ask hesitantly.

  He peels a banana and hands one to me.

  ‘She wouldn’t climb from a boat and cut down a coconut if that’s what you mean and I would have to fashion a cup out of something. She would never drink straight from the coconut, there might be germs.’

  I wrinkle my nose at the coconut shell.

  ‘You’re doing well, don’t spoil it,’ he reprimands.

  ‘I don’t need your compliments,’ I snap.

  Obviously I can’t help wondering why someone like him, with such an adventurous spirit, should be engaged to someone as prim and proper as Penelope. They are as different as chalk and cheese. At least they seem it, but of course, I could be wrong. He points to the view. An occasional palm tree gives some relief from the burning sun but not enough. So, when he pulls suntan lotion from what is becoming his very own Mary Poppins rucksack, I sigh with relief. I don’t remember ever being anywhere this hot before and I don’t have a change of clothing. I let my hand drop into the cool water. It’s rather nice being with someone who takes control. I gently rub the lotion onto my arms. It will be so lovely to get to the hotel to have a shower and don some fresh clothes.

  ‘I’ve arranged for our luggage to be taken to the hotel. It is probably there already,’ he says, seemingly reading my mind.

  His voice is crisp and clear. I can see why mother likes him. He has all the essential boyfriend qualities according to my mother.

  ‘We just want you to be with someone suitable darling. Toby is nice enough but a little rough-spoken don’t you think?’ she had commented dryly on meeting Toby. ‘Do you not think a military man is more suitable with your education and what not?’

  I mean, seriously, who wants a military man for a husband? It’s bad enough having an ex-military man for a father without one for a husband too. As for school, a fat lot of good that did me. The only thing I excelled in was knots. I seriously did. I can tie a good reef knot blindfolded and my half hitch is something to be envied. I was a top Girl Guide and still know the alphabet in semaphore. Apart from that I am plain useless. Be prepared may have been the Girl Guide’s motto but being prepared was something I left behind with Brown Owl. I jump as Alex leans towards me and gently takes the suntan lotion. Before I can protest, he has turned me around and is gently smoothing the cream over my back. His hands are cool and I feel myself shiver under his touch. To think Blancmange gets this all the time. Good God, what is happening down in my loins? This is terrible. He is only stroking the top of my back, but oh, the way he is stroking, it is far too sensual for my liking. I must pull myself together. He is just applying suntan lotion. I must not make a fool of myself. What would Blancmange think if she could see her fiancé now?

  ‘Why don’t you wear a ring?’ he asks in a matter of fact voice.

  ‘What?’ My voice sounds all strangled and hoarse.

  ‘Why don’t you wear an engagement ring? At the Christmas party you told me you and Toby were engaged.’ His deep blue eyes bore into mine.

  Now what do I say? I suppose I had better tell the truth and let him see that I can’t keep a man for love nor money. I don’t have to admit that we never were engaged now do I? And I surely don’t have to admit to the horrifying fact that I can’t keep a man because I’m fat?

  ‘We sort of ended the engagement,’ I say hesitantly. That sounds like I’ve been dumped.

  ‘That is, I ended it,’ I choose not to mention Serena. I’m sure he can put two and two together, after all he saw them kissing at the party.

  ‘But you’re still going out with him?’

  I simply shrug. He stretches lazily and points at a group of monkeys in a passing tree.

  ‘I love this country,’ he says almost wistfully. ‘It’s mostly like this, calm and peaceful. Damn governments spoil everything.’

  He points at some more monkeys further along the bank.

  ‘Isn’t that Toby over there?’ he asks.

  ‘I mixed up the addresses,’ I say quickly, ignoring his comment.

  ‘Mother gave me the address of the village. She saw it on television.’

  He laughs.

  ‘And you have a go at me for protecting you, when it was you who put us in danger. You realise I will have to kill you now,’ he laughs.

  ‘Aren’t you angry?’ I say surprised.

  He shakes his head and halves a banana, throwing one at me.

  ‘I promise to feed you something better this evening. I’ll take you to this really great place. The food is cheap, freshly cooked and it’s all outside in the cool evening air.’

  This is getting better and better. I am seriously hoping Toby has decided not to fly out after all. Although I really mustn’t get any silly ideas about a romance with Alex Bryant, because let’s face it, the majority of the time he is a bit of a knob head. Not to mention the fact that he is engaged to a leggy blonde who makes me look like Hatti Jacques. I don’t even know much about the guy except that he was an SAS officer and retired three years ago, aged thirty. He came home after rescuing three hostages from an underground rebel cell in Afghanistan and claimed he is now too old for all that malarkey. He then became a journalist in the States and apparently did some undercover work here in Cambodia. Of course, in that time he managed to annihilate several pieces of Toby’s work, believing that only he can write accurately, which if I am totally honest, he can. Right now he has forgotten all about Toby and our engagement and seems preoccupied with the side of the boat. My phone shrills and Toby’s photo lights up on the screen.

  ‘Has your phone been off? For Christ’s sake Libby how can I contact you if you turn it off? Is everything okay now?’

  ‘Signal is bad,’ I lie.

  ‘I couldn’t get a flight. The weather is bloody diabolical here. Have you seen it on the web? There is fucking snow everywhere. I tell you, it’s freezing. I’ll go to the airport in the morning. You’re well out of it.’

  ‘I haven’t had time to go on the web and check the weather,’ I say irritably, flapping my hand at a fly.

  I hear Alex groan.

/>   ‘We have a slight technical problem,’ he mumbles.

  Great timing or what? Why do all the problems happen when Toby is on the other end of my Blackberry?

  ‘No, no of course you haven’t had time. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking. Jamie said you’ve got out of that hell hole then. Thank God. I suppose that prick is still with you.’

  ‘I need your bra,’ says Alex.

  Oh, for Christ’s sake.

  ‘What the fuck!’ bellows Toby.

  ‘We’re sinking and the water is deep here. I need to bale the water out. There is nothing else we can use. It’s pretty urgent Libby, can you call him back?’

  ‘Toby, I’ll need to call you back…’

  ‘Does he do it on purpose? I swear when I get there…’

  I end the call and look around. If anyone had told me that my Wonderbra would be in such demand I would have bought a box load. I find myself thinking of the most sensual way I can remove what is becoming the greatest weapon of our time. I wonder if they will consider using it in the army after all this. Oh yes, most certainly not. I fumble to undo it and manage to slide it down my left arm. Alex grabs it urgently and makes some comment about it still being warm. He then proceeds to scoop the water out of the boat using the cups. I was so engrossed in taking my bra off, that it only now registers that he said the boat was sinking.

  I look to the vast expanse of water ahead of us and then to the vast expanse of water behind us and finally at the vast expanse of water that is filling up in the boat. How can there not be another person anywhere in sight?

  ‘But, we’re in the middle of a lake and it’s really deep,’ I say, stating the bloody obvious.

  ‘I’m well aware of that,’ he snaps. ‘Can you stop stating the obvious and paddle for us? I’m presuming you can swim, should we need to?’

  Well, Mr Nice didn’t last long. I try to conjure up the music from Hawaii Five-O to make us go faster, but that doesn’t seem to work.

  ‘Of course I can swim,’ I say, insulted.

  ‘Keep your weight central. I don’t want to unbalance the boat.’

  What a cheek! How dare he? What a horrid thing to say.

  ‘How dare you say I’m fat,’ I cry, feeling the threat of tears prick my eyelids.

  ‘I didn’t say anything of the kind,’ he retorts looking genuinely surprised.

  ‘Keep your weight central, I don’t want to unbalance the boat,’ I mimic.

  As if on cue, my Blackberry shrills. Oh do sod off Toby. Alex gives my phone a filthy look.

  ‘Exactly, at what point, did I say you were fat?’

  My Wonderbra is now soaking wet and I could sob. How can I enter a hotel, and a nice one at that, looking like I do? I must look a sight and he obviously thinks so too.

  ‘You know exactly what you said,’ I say in a hurt voice. ‘You’re a rude person.’

  ‘Yes, so you keep saying,’ he snaps, and furiously leans over to my phone and clicks the off button. I am about to speak when he gently pushes me onto the seat.

  ‘Sit there and paddle towards the bank. Unless you want to end up in the water stop moaning and do something practical.’

  I can’t imagine what Toby is thinking and I can’t imagine what I was thinking earlier either. I really am so stupid to think Alex-we-have-a-technical-problem-Bryant, actually likes me. He is no better than Toby and thinks me fat and stupid. Toby, no doubt, thinks something must be going on. Well, I shall assure him nothing could ever go on with such a rude, arrogant arse. Concentrate on paddling Libby, otherwise you’ll only get shouted at again. The boat feels so heavy I can barely pull the paddle through the water, either that or I am getting weak. The water is now rising over my ankles.

  ‘You’re doing great,’ shouts Alex. ‘Not far to go. Your bra is doing a great job too. The cups hold loads of water.’

  Now what is he trying to say?

  ‘What does that mean?’ I demand, feeling my blood boil.

  ‘I’m just stating a fact. The cups are big and hold plenty of water. Look, I don’t have time to deal with your issues of sensitivity.’

  He is so loathsome. Finally, we hit the bank and after throwing out the rucksack he climbs into the water and offers to help me out. Reluctantly I take his hand and jump from the boat. I slip on the muddy bank and reach out to him. I feel his arms go round my waist and I cling onto him. His face is close to mine and I feel the beating of his heart. His arms are strong and strangely comforting.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asks. I swear his voice is husky. Surely I am not imagining all this. I’m certainly not imagining that hand on my buttock. Good heavens. I slowly extradite myself and dust the front of my dress. I must look like I have been dragged through a bush backwards. He pulls the boat ashore.

  ‘We don’t want to lose our deposit,’ he laughs.

  A water buffalo surveys us from further along the shore. As if nothing has occurred between us Alex plonks the hat onto my head and walks towards the beast. I hobble behind him. I look down to see one of my flip-flops has well and truly flopped. Isn’t that just my luck? I couldn’t have been on the beach in Eastbourne, or just walking along Brighton pier. I had to be in the middle of nowhere, in the depths of the Cambodian countryside. Aside from being buried alive I can’t think of anything worse. I’m bra-less, shoe-less and the way Alex is staring at me you would think I was brainless. He waves to a man in a nearby rice field. Alex beckons to me and I hobble forward.

  ‘This very fine gentleman with the help of his buffalo is going to give us a ride on his cart to the next village and from there his brother will take us to Siem Reap.’

  I bow in gratitude to the rice farmer, who reciprocates and offers me a banana. I accept it gratefully even though I am feeling just a bit overdosed on bananas. Oh well, I guess I won’t get fat on bananas and coconut. They both help me into the cart and Alex then sits up front with the rice farmer. I feel quite upset to think that Alex Bryant thinks I am fat. Well, I will show him.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The hotel is absolute luxury compared to the little bed and breakfast house we had escaped from. It even has a swimming pool and a tea room with a butterfly garden. I am desperately hoping my luggage will be in my room. The reception staff gawp at us and I can’t blame them. We must look a dreadful sight. Even with our quick clean up, courtesy of the lake, we still don’t look like typical tourists.

  ‘You have booking?’ the clerk asks us, doubtfully.

  After studying our passports and booking details he hands keys over to Alex. I find myself fascinated by the hustle and bustle outside. I decide to go into the city first and then visit the butterfly garden afterwards. I voice my plans to Alex as we mount the stairs to our rooms. He immediately looks worried.

  ‘I think you should trust my judgement on this. It is safer if we travel together. I’ll take you around Siem Reap later when we go for dinner.’

  ‘I can assure you I will be fine,’ I argue. ‘Besides I have my Blackberry and…’

  I realise he has stopped walking. I follow his gaze to see Penelope bounding towards us. Good Lord, what is she doing here?

  ‘Baby, oh honey are you okay? I’ve been missing you so much,’ she screams and leaps into his arms.

  ‘Jamie texted me and said you had some trouble with the rebels.’

  It is the first time I have seen him shell-shocked. I have to admit to being a touch shell-shocked myself. In fact, I’m not quite sure how I feel, aside from murderous. Why is she here? More importantly why is she not in Beijing?

  He gently pushes her away and I try to ignore the scathing look she is giving me.

  ‘Hello, Lily, how are you?’ she says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. She turns back to Alex before I have time to answer. Clearly she is not interested in how I am at all.

  ‘What are you doing here Pen?’ he asks and I pick up a suspicious tone in his voice.

  ‘It’s Libby, actually.’

  She spins round to look at me.

/>   ‘What?’ she snaps.

  ‘My name is Libby, not Lily,’ I repeat.

  She blinks and then dismisses me with her hand before turning back to Alex.

  ‘Come on honey, don’t be cross. Aren’t you pleased to see me? I thought as I was in Beijing, and it was so close, I would join you instead of flying straight home. I’ve booked us into a fab restaurant in Siem Reap that is owned by Americans. They are going to cook you a good steak. I’m not sure what I will eat in this place but never mind.’

  I cannot deny she looks terrific. Even after a flight she still manages to look fantastic. I look down at my dirty broken flip-flop and feel myself hating Alex Bryant all over again. He could at least have allowed me to change before we fled. I would have perhaps looked half decent when seeing Lady Penelope instead of looking like I have just climbed out of a bush, which I guess I have. To make matters worse the button on my dress has popped and my tits are almost hanging out. I swear I look like Nell Gwynne. All I need are a couple of oranges and I’ll be all set for a fancy-dress party.

  ‘Well, if you’ll excuse me, I really need a shower.’ I hold my hand out for my room key. Alex hesitates and turns to Penelope.

  ‘We were actually going to the outdoor restaurant tonight. Libby and I need to talk over the book conference.’

  Blimey, that was a bit blunt. Penelope stabs me a look and then smiles warmly at Alex.

  ‘Well, obviously, if you’ve made plans… I’m sure there will be something there I can eat.’

  Penelope is livid and her mouth has turned all tight and her eyes are blazing. Alex seems either not to be noticing or if he has then is untouched by it.