Little Green Gangsters

by Steve Cole

  “Wonder how long ago those were made,” I muttered. The thought of one of these giant invisible monsters being so close made me want to run screaming to the nearest toilet.

  “The new molecules in the air are still changing their pattern,” Kimmy reported. “Maybe sometime soon when the change is complete, the GETs will act.”

  “And with a spaceship like that, they can destroy us, or invade us, or whatever-they-want to us!” I cried.

  “Maybe today will be the day the hyper-beam starts working,” said Kimmy brightly. “The Big Suits are planning another transfer today—”

  “Transfer?” My insides seemed to choke. “Is that what you call the hyper-beam system jump thingies? Only . . . I think Sergeant Katzburger is next on the list.”

  Kimmy sucked in a breath sharply. “Katzburger?”

  “Poor Sargey Katzbonker,” sighed Little G. “Won’t work. Hello! Trip never work with big ladies and big men. Tongue will tell! Please, spaceboy? Tongue?”

  I was getting impatient. “Little G, which part of ‘No Way’ don’t you understand?”

  “Whoa!” Ray had brought some kind of flight schedule up on the screen. “Next transfer is scheduled for one o’clock this afternoon. The science team must think they’ve made another breakthrough.”

  “But if they haven’t,” I said, “whoever’s in that beam will die!”

  “We’ve got to work harder,” said Ray, determination in every word. “I’m sure my fission chip can help create a stasis field around Katzburger before the system shrinks her.”

  Kimmy gave him two thumbs up. “And when my Transcending All Matter And Sustaining Survival In Space Suit is fitted with Elodie’s quantum flux polariser it will make her intangible, able to pass through anything without harm. I’m sure that’s a stage the grown-ups have overlooked.” She scowled, gritting her teeth. “And if these military morons try to rip off my ideas for the TAMASSISS I’ll sue their buns right out of their pants!”

  “High five!” called Little G, both arms raised, looking lovingly at the four of us. “Group hug!”

  “No!” we said in unison. Little G looked disappointed – then gazed past us to the door.

  I will never forget what I saw there.

  I saw . . .

  I saw a . . .

  I saw . . .

  A tall, thin woman in a lab coat.

  I know the fact that I saw an ordinary, tall, thin woman in the doorway is kind of an anticlimax after my big build-up. But think of it as a teasing mystery – Why has Tim never forgotten Madame Tall-and-Thin, as she was not known to anyone? Well, as you’ll soon see, what happened next was all a bit . . . well . . .

  “Dr Hongananner!” cried Kimmy.

  “How do you do, ma’am?” asked Ray politely.

  But Elodie did not look pleased. “Mum! I told you to stay away!”

  “I couldn’t, El.” To my surprise, Dr Hongananner had an English accent, not a Canadian one. She was staring at me, tears in her eyes, and she was smiling and shaking her head. “Tim?” She said my name like it meant something in another language. “Tim . . .”

  “Tim,” Dr Hongananner continued shakily. “I just wanted to welcome you to the scary secret base thing, and . . . say hello . . .”

  “Er . . .” I shrugged. “Hi.”

  “Hello!” said Little G brightly (and inevitably).

  “Mum, I thought we discussed this?” Elodie looked grave. “I thought we’d agreed that saying something about the situation would only cause distractions and delay the big work and—”

  “I’m sorry, El,” said Dr Hongananner. “But events seem to be moving forward rather quickly and . . . I’ve heard something important and . . . I don’t want to treat you like children . . . and though it’s difficult to tell you, someone has to, and I . . .”

  I felt familiar fear pinching at my stomach. “What’s happened?”

  “Well . . . now we’ve had time to study the work undertaken by, er, Tim’s father, we think we’ve finally translated the first stink-code signals.” Dr Hongananner smiled weakly. “Turns out there are actually two messages, released several weeks apart. And the really bad smell is different information again – we’re close to cracking that too.”

  “Whoa, that’s amazing!” declared Ray, like a polite schoolboy indulging his teacher. “I sure wish we were allowed to know what the messages say – but don’t worry, we know you can’t tell us.”

  Dr Hongananner sighed. “Don’t give me that old chat, Ray. I know my daughter well enough to know she must be hacking into all the secret systems in this base.”

  “What?” said Kimmy, wide-eyed. “But even if she did, we would NEVER look at confidential information, I mean . . .” Then she sighed, dropped the little-girl act and growled, “Look, momma – don’t even think of suing us, OK?”

  “Shut up, Kimmy!” Ray hissed.

  “It’s all right. I just didn’t want you to be alone when you broke into the encrypted files.” Dr H pulled a printout from her pocket, gave us all a kind of seasick smile and started to read aloud as fast as a freight train. “The message says:

  THE BIGGEST OF YOU TINY HUMAN THINGS MUST COME TO OUR SPACESHIP TO TALKY TALKY BIG LONG ABOUT HOW STUFF MUST TURN OUT NOW THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MEETING UNDER GALACTIC LAW STATUTE ALPHA-2-TABLE-5 AND INSTRUMENTS DETECT HYPER-BEAM THING AT YOUR NORTH POLE SO USE THIS AND COME TO OUR SPACESHIP AT COORDINATES ONE-ZERO-SMELL-RED-FOUR-BLACK-ZERO SO YOU CAN HEAR OUR OFFER NOW WHY IS IT TAKING YOU SO LONG TINY HUMAN THINGS TO COME TO OUR SPACESHIP OUR LANGUAGE CODE IS SURELY EASY TO UNDERSTAND FOR ANYONE WHO HAS MASTERED HYPER-BEAM THING AND IF YOU DO NOT COME AND TALKY TALKY WE WILL ASSUME YOU DO NOT WISH TO TALKY TALKY AND WE WILL PROCEED IN OUR PLANS WITHOUT TALKY TALKY BUT DO NOT SAY WE DID NOT ASK YOU TO TALKY TALKY BECAUSE WE DID ASK YOU IN AN EASY-PEASY CODE ANY CHILD COULD CRACK AND YOUR NOT BEING HERE ON OUR SPACESHIP WHEN YOU HAVE HYPER-BEAM THING IS PROOF YOU COULD NOT BE BOTHERED TO TALKY TALKY AND PROOF THAT ALL LAZY TITCHY HUMAN THINGS ACCEPT THEIR INEVITABLE FATE WITHOUT PROTEST WHICH IS GOOD FOR US THE GALACTIC LAW CANNOT TOUCH US NOW THANK YOU AND WE WILL BE PROCEEDING WITH PLANS FOR THE PLANET NOW THANK YOU HUMAN THINGS BYE-BYE SLEEPY SLEEP.

  The breathless burble of words expired. A long, dramatic silence followed. My blood felt chilled to crimson slush, freezing my whole body with its icy pulse.

  “Uh-oh,” said Little G.

  Kimmy pushed out a long, low sigh. “Well . . . that is a serious bummer.”

  “Er, yes,” said Dr Hongananner, stuffing the paper back in her pocket. “You could say so.”

  Elodie had turned pale. “Mum . . . is this game over?”

  “Uh-oh,” Little G said again. “Uh-oh, uh-oh.”

  “Uh-oh is right,” I said quietly. “Cos we haven’t mastered hyper-beam technology, have we? We took it from someone else, and we’re still trying to make it work.”

  “But the GETs don’t know that,” Ray breathed. “They were waiting all that time for us to go talk to them about their ‘plans for the planet’. But we never did, so they came down and built those . . . those . . .”

  “Smell machines,” Elodie suggested, “making sure their final message filled the air from pole to pole.”

  “But why?” I wondered. “What is this final message? What’s it for?”

  No one spoke. No one knew. But optimistic ideas like “Come visit our small chain of quality invisible-alien restaurants” seemed some way down the possible list.

  “We HAVE to get the hyper-beam working!” Elodie cried. “So a space army can go up and meet the GETs and tell them to bug off!”

  Ray’s forehead was creased. “We’ve got to keep working on the problem. Maybe we can save Sergeant Katzburger and make the way safe for a whole space army to go out there and meet the GETs!”

  “I suppose at least the work will keep your minds distracted,” said Dr H. “But as for you, my poor Tim . . . I know you’re not like these ones.”

  “
It’s OK,” I assured her. “I expect panic and terror will keep my mind busy when the shock wears off.”

  “Ah. Shock. Yes. Speaking of shocks . . .” Dr Hongananner forced a serene smile onto her face. “Tim, would you care to join me outside in the corridor?”

  “Great timing, Mum,” growled Elodie. “I mean, we’re only facing the probable end of the world and human civilisation, eh?”

  “That’s precisely why I have to say something!” her mum snapped.

  “Just a bit on the late side!” Elodie turned away to a computer screen. “You drive me crazy.”

  Dr H looked downcast as she turned to go. “Come along, Tim.”

  I knew something big was coming. But what could be bigger than the news that aliens were planning a terrible fate for the world? How do you follow THAT?

  It was hard enough just following Dr H outside – especially when Little G came after us. I waited for him to move on his way.

  “Hello,” he said, standing between the two of us.

  “Er, this is a private matter,” Dr H told him awkwardly. “So perhaps, if you wouldn’t mind . . .?”

  “Hello. Hello.” Little G smiled, unwilling to shift.

  “I guess he’s not about to tell anyone,” I said, keen to get this over with.

  “Very well.” Dr H smiled awkwardly and took a deep breath. “Tim . . . your father and I were married, once.”

  HUH? I stared at Dr H, and she stared back, as my world seemed to tilt.

  “I’m not just Elodie’s mum. I happen to be your mum too.”

  WHOA!

  Shock shattered through every atom of my being as the words slowly sank in, numbing me like anaesthetic.

  “I just thought I should mention it,” she went on, “in case there isn’t a chance to, later, because . . . the world’s ended or something.”

  “HUGGGG!” cried Little G.

  His joyful cry very nearly drowned out the orchestra in my head as they tried to start up the “Dah-dah-dahhhs” again. My legs turned to jelly. My head was threatening to follow. THIS . . . was my MUM? After all these years of being told I’d come from space, I was now actually LOOKING AT my mum! Or I would’ve been, if the world wasn’t tilting all over the place. Mum-mum-mum-mum-mummmmm . . . It was all too much. Breathe! I couldn’t remember how to breathe!

  I heard her say, “Um, try not to stop breathing . . . er, son.”

  It was good motherly advice. But I was a rebel. You can’t just waltz into my life and tell me not to stop breathing, Mother . . . !

  And, wilfully, I fainted.

  I’d like to say that the mother I’d never known caught me as I fell. That would’ve been kind of sweet, wouldn’t it? Well, apparently, she did try to catch me.

  But she missed and I smacked my head on the tiled floor.

  Dr Hongananner (or, Mum – MUM – MUMMMM, should I say? Should I? TOO WEIRD!) took me to the sick bay. Little G insisted on coming along too. Seems he didn’t want to leave me. Sweet, huh?

  There was a big queue for the doctor when I woke up, lying on three chairs pushed together. Since the alien message had been decoded, quite a few of the scientists had lost it and were running about the waiting room like loopers. Soldiers were trying to catch them – apart from those soldiers who were also running around like loopers. One of the doctors was trying to catch them. Little G had decided to join in the chase, waddling about and over the furniture in a discarded soldier’s camouflage jacket – not because he wanted to catch anyone, I think, just because it looked like fun.

  Fun. There was nothing fun about the way I was feeling. My head ached like a GET had stamped on it, but the thoughts of all I’d learned chased through my skull as clumsily as the poor hysterical loonies here in the waiting room.

  “Huuug!” Little G yelled as a scientist stumbled into his sticky embrace. “Mmm, hug . . .”

  Just then, just for once, I kind of wanted a hug myself.

  I was staring blankly at all the running about, when suddenly Dad’s tired and anxious face appeared right in front of me.

  “Not talking,” I said, shutting my eyes. “Go away.”

  “You have to talk to me,” Dad insisted. “I’ve sent Dr Hongananner away. She should never have told you a thing like that.”

  “What, the truth about where I come from, you mean?”

  “Yes! When Dr Hongananner broke up with me and left with my darling Elodie she promised never to come into our lives ever again and NEVER to try and contact you.” Dad’s left eyebrow was twitching, a sure sign he was becoming agitated. “And now Dr Hongananner has broken those rules, and I think it’s . . . it’s . . .”

  “Did you call her Dr Hongananner all the time you were married to her, Dad?” I muttered. “That might have put her off a little. Is that why she left you?”

  “You don’t understand any of this, Tim.”

  “Because you never explain!” I looked at him, hoping the tears would keep out of my eyes. “So Elodie really is my sister?”

  Dad closed his eyes and nodded. “Your twin sister, yes.”

  “Twin . . . ?” I shook my head – not only was the blabbermouth girl I’d only met the day before my sister, but we’d actually been roommates for nine months in the same stomach! “Why did they go, Dad?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Please.”

  “I think we should just forget it. No good can come from raking over old coals.” He nodded assertively. “After all, coal is the number one contributor to climate change with the amount of CO2 it releases—”

  “WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT COAL!” I bellowed, ignoring the pain in my head. “WE’RE TALKING ABOUT WHERE I COME FROM! THE PAST YOU’VE NEVER SHARED WITH ME BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO SCARED TO EVEN FACE IT!”

  The mad flapping about of the hysterical patients had been halted by my outburst. They all stood and stared at me, and were quickly caught and sedated by those who’d been chasing them. With the fun over, Little G came waddling up in a rush and got ready to throw his arms around me. But then he seemed to think better of it, and stopped.

  “Hmm,” he said, eyeing me and Dad. “Little G. Hmmm.” Then he flip-flopped away, out of the waiting room.

  “Thanks, son,” called one of the doctors, waving a thumbs up. “Hey, Professor – you got a good kid, there.”

  Dad, beetroot red, said nothing.

  “I guess I’m really not a good kid to you, am I, Dad? You probably would’ve preferred a robot.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “There you are, the big genius, but when it comes to emotions you don’t have a clue.”

  “I know all about emotions, thank you very much,” Dad snapped. “Emotions pollute the mind! They’re like bottles of dangerous chemicals – if you let them spill into your thoughts, they can cause a dangerous reaction.”

  “No reaction at all’s pretty dangerous too, isn’t it?” I glared at him. “Like, we didn’t react to the aliens’ message, did we? And now the whole world’s in trouble!”

  Losing the last of my patience, I made to leave – but he took hold of my arm. “Wait, Tim. A full translation of the GETs’ stink code is due to arrive any minute. I think we should face whatever lies ahead for the planet together – don’t you?”

  “N . . . O!” I spelled out to him. “You can face the end of the world but you can’t face the fact that you used to have a wife – and I had a mum!”

  With that I tore myself free of his grip and stormed out through the door and away down the tunnels. I had to find my room, but it wasn’t easy with my head pounding and hot tears beginning to blur my vision.

  On second thoughts – stuff my room! I wanted Nanny Helen here. I wanted her to be waiting the other side of the door with an “OMGeeeee!” and a huge hug. But she was a zillion miles away with another family now . . . Was this how Dad had felt when Dr Hongananner left him behind? I almost wished that Fist-Face Gilbert would suddenly appear, ready to take revenge; a punch would
hurt but at least I understood that kind of pain – unlike the scary aching I felt inside . . .

  Oh!!!

  Still wrestling with my thoughts and feelings (and my underwear – I actually had a terrible wedgie), as I staggered towards a T-junction, I caught sight of a familiar figure in an oversized jacket, gasping and groaning as he waddled past ahead of me. A familiar figure accompanied by another familiar figure . . . It was Little G, using both skinny arms to help balance a fish bowl on his head.

  As if I didn’t have enough on my plate – Herbert was being fishnapped!

  “Little G!” I yelled, rounding the corner and chasing after him. “Come back here!”

  “Uh-oh!” Little G, struggling under the weight of the fish bowl, put on an extra spurt of speed. “Bye-bye. Bye-bye!”

  I forced myself to run faster, but my head was killing me. “Stop running!”

  “Can’t, spaceboy! Can’t!”

  “You can! Just stop moving your feet!”

  “I hear the tongue!”

  “That’s my fish!”

  “Tongue! Tongue!”

  I was starting to catch him up, when one of his rubber flip-flops flicked off the back of his foot and thwacked me in the face. SQUERCH! The slimy sandal stuck over my eyes, smelly and smothering.

  “Ugh!” I groaned, tearing the foul flip-flop from my face; my eyes watered and stung with alien foot-juice, but I kept up the chase. I heard some beeps up ahead, like numbers pressed on a phone pad, followed by the CLUNK and HISSSS of a heavy door opening.

  He’s trying to hide in a side room, I realised. Without thinking, I followed Little G inside. “Honestly, G, if you hurt Herbert, I’ll . . . I’ll . . .”

  A HISSSS and a CLUNK came from behind me. I realised the heavy door had slammed shut. It sounded how I imagined the door to a bank vault would close.

  Wiping my eyes on my shirt, it took a few moments to work out where I was. And as I did, I felt my heart leap into my throat like it was trying to abandon ship.