Accidental Alpha

by Laurel Curtis

  Her eyes closed, her head shot back, and her every skin cell seemed to come alive at once.

  There was a myriad of things I could have said, but I went with the most true.

  “You look beautiful.”

  “God, does the air feel thick in here?” she asked. My eyes narrowed, but I shook my head in the negative.

  “Hmm,” she murmured. “It must just be the bullshit.”

  “Come on,” I pleaded. “I can’t give you a compliment?”

  “Not ones I don’t believe,” she clarified, starting the long walk down the hallway.

  By my calculation we were about thirty minutes out from docking in Nassau, and the journey into the harbor would probably make for a picturesque setting for my groveling.

  I wasn’t sure why she was running so early though.

  “Why are you out this early?”

  The lines of her throat constricted as she sighed deeply. It didn’t take much detective work to see that she didn’t like my questioning.

  Accordingly, she saw fit to turn it around on me. “Why were you waiting for me so early?”

  “I didn’t want to miss you.”

  “Huh,” she huffed, her tone more pensive than belligerent. “It seems our goals were opposites.”

  God, she was killing me.

  “Alli. When are you going to forgive me? It was stupid. I get that. But you’ve got me acting like a fool here, chasing after you even though you don’t want me to.”

  “And you made a fool of me by imprinting me with a memory even age won’t be able to destroy and then ripping it away.”

  With a turn on her heel, she made her way away from me hastily, putting both distance and people between us, and all I could do was watch her power walk away.

  But that wasn’t the end. I knew it wasn’t because I wouldn’t let it be.

  I could be a dog with a bone, especially when the bone I wanted in the grasp of my jaw was her.

  Staring at the carpet and trailing respectably behind her, I watched the different colors swirl, following their paths as they fought for specific destinations.

  The design was chaotic, the lines fighting with each other as they mingled, but in the end they sorted, landing perfectly together at the seams along the walls.

  Sometimes chaos led to order, and I had to believe that would be the case with Alli. I needed it to be sorted, one way or another. And since I was the one who’d messed it up, I knew it was my responsibility to fix it.

  Lifting my eyes to her back, I watched as her hair swayed in time with her step. Pieces of it stuck stubbornly to the fabric of her tank top, glistening their copper glow when the sun hit them through the window.

  Her gait was stilted, the weight of my watching not going unnoticed. But she worked against it, forcing her hips to slow and lull themselves into a rhythm. The movement was hypnotic, and my mind slid easily into the memories of her body moving with mine.

  I struggled to make sense of my mind, knowing that the state of it could only be described as perpetual turmoil.

  For the first time possibly ever, I found myself wishing I’d waited to sleep with a woman, given her the comfort she’d demanded without the physical connection. Just for that first night. I wish I’d gone back to my room and thought of her, worked through her confessions and the feelings it mined from deep within me. I wished I’d addressed all of my long-suppressed issues with the idea of love, and the possibility that I’d have a second chance at it. Colored by my past, my emotions had tons of complexities that I needed time to simplify.

  Normally, that would have been fine. Relationships are meant to change and evolve on their own course, and Allison would no doubt have given me the time. But the reality of her Cancer made it different. I couldn’t avoid my own mortality, and more importantly, hers. I couldn’t pretend that I had the luxury of time and circumstance to settle into the idea of being with someone else seriously.

  I’d only ever considered that Cancer could take someone from me. I’d never dreamed that it could bring Allison and I together.

  Like a well-trained punch to the gut, realization hit me all at once. I knew what I wanted.

  And it was remarkably simple.

  Building speed to a jog, I weaved through some of the other passengers, just barely missing a group of little old women. Allison was fully out of sight, the former heaviness of my thoughts slowing me down.

  But I knew where she was headed, something being on a trip with other people afforded me, and made my way there as briskly as I could without causing harm or injury to others or myself.

  Peppered among a few other passengers, I noticed her instantly.

  A warm breeze blew her hair off of her shoulders, billowing out like a cape behind her. Her bare arms were crossed on the shiny wood railing, and her back was bowed as she looked down at something on the deck below her.

  Most importantly, she was alone, yet to be greeted by the three other members of our party.

  I slowed my pace, approaching her much in the way I would a frightened animal, calling her name just before I got close enough to startle her into another unprovoked beating. She was feminine, but when panicked her punches packed a lot of steam.

  “Allison.”

  Her blue eyes shot around quickly, and for just a second I was floored by how closely they matched the clear water of the shallow Caribbean behind her.

  She bit her lip, chewing slightly at the skin and making sure she didn’t give away anything. Instead, she made me search her eyes, the only information available being whatever I could get from them. Her emotions were swirling, and the complexity made it hard to single any one out. But regret peeked out from under the veil, showing itself and begging me to make it disappear.

  Turning back to the deck in front of her, I fought the disappointment of having her shut me out again, only to find that she wasn’t shutting me out in any way other than physically.

  “I guess he really is as promiscuous as they tease,” she commented, the help of the breeze carrying her words to me on a slight time delay.

  I made my way to the rail, curiously following her gaze until it landed on Hunter.

  In his arms, on the deck below us, stood a woman who clearly hadn’t been back to her room to change from the night before. Hunter’s clothes looked familiar too, and it was almost remarkable how quickly my mind tried to fool me into thinking the obvious. It’s often easy to see something for more than what it is—to see the obvious answer—but there seemed to be something more happening. Something indistinguishable at this distance but there all the same.

  “You never know,” I surprised myself by defending. “The story isn’t always what it looks like on the surface.”

  She looked to me as my elbow rubbed up against hers, the angle of my upper body much steeper than hers to lean on the same railing. I could tell she wanted to ask if I was talking about more than Hunter, but she didn’t.

  When she didn’t say anything, I took the opportunity to tell her what I wanted while there was no one else around. I knew it would be a while before I had another opportunity, but even if I had a million chances, I didn’t want it to wait.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t stay the night in the bed with you. Probably more so than you’ll ever know. The last thing I want to be is another burden. But I’m still going to ask you a favor.”

  Her skepticism was anything but lacking as she worried her bottom lip by rubbing it in and out of the clasp of the top one.

  “I know,” I admitted, clasping my hands together in front of me and letting them hang loosely toward the deck below. “It seems ridiculous. I screw up royally and then want something from you.” One arched eyebrow agreed with me. “But I’m just asking you to spend this time with me. Get to know me. Ask me anything you want, and in turn, be willing to answer the questions I have for you. Our stories, yours and mine, are more complicated than most. We’ve lived a lot of life, most of it without each other, and understandably, that’s something we’re go
ing to have to deal with. We’ve both been married to other people, dated even more than that, and in reality, spent the majority of our lives alone. Accommodating the wants and needs of someone else doesn’t just happen after fifty years. I’m not saying I’m unwilling, but I’m telling you honestly that it will be a learned behavior.”

  I could tell she was listening, engaged and fully comprehending everything I was begging her to. But she wanted in on the conversation, and if I didn’t get it all out now, I never would.

  Speeches weren’t my specialty, but I was giving it my best shot. Melly always use to tell me that love was an all or nothing sport. That if you didn’t lay it all on the line in the game of love, you might as well stay the hell on the bench.

  I figured it was the same when you were fighting for a chance at it.

  I may not have been the best at listening to her then, but I was going to make a point to do it now.

  “Wade—” Allison started, ready to call it all a wash. She wasn’t going to shut me out, but she wasn’t going to let me in either.

  A satisfactory response for many other men, but not for me.

  Cutting her off with soft eyes to ease the blow, I continued, “I have no long-term illusions at this point. I mean, before two days ago, I never even considered being in any kind of meaningful relationship a remote possibility. Romantic or otherwise. For over twenty years, it’s just been Danny. He’s the only person that’s even marginally mattered.”

  I could see the wheels turning inside her head, the real depth of understanding starting to take root, but I had one more thing to say, and I needed her to really hear it.

  “But if I don’t attempt to take this time with you, and you don’t give it to me, I know I’ll regret it forever.”

  Her lips parted, the wear and tear on her bottom lip visible in its flush for the first time since I’d joined her at the railing.

  She was feeling this thing between us, pulling our bodies together even as she fought to push them apart, and the urge to give in was alive in her eyes and body language.

  I was this close to getting back in there.

  And then Danny ruined it all.

  “Hey guys!” he cheered, sidling in between us and slapping me on the back.

  My happiness at his rediscovered joviality, especially in this moment, was starting to wear off, and I couldn’t stop one, subtle, low growl from squeezing between my tight lips.

  Like the bastards they were, his dimples turned on me, deepening and molding into the meat of his cheeks and taking Allison’s attention completely off of me.

  I’d laid it all on the line only to be deprived of the chance to get anything back.

  It was the worst case of emotional blue balls I’d ever experienced.

  IT HAD BEEN AN INTERESTING morning to say the least.

  Wade had spoken so honestly, so openly, that I’d literally lost sight of what had me so upset in the first place. Of course, with time and avoidance I’d found it again, remembering the way it had felt to wake up alone and vulnerable at one of the worst times of my life.

  I knew other people were dealing with more than me, but on a scale from best to worst in the timeline of my life, being sick and alone and nearly fifty all at once was skirting the edge of the ugly end.

  Once Haley and Danny showed up, all serious conversation went right out the window. Jokes were flying left and right, and by the time I’d made it to the lazy river I’d been ready for some silence. They were beyond amusing, but at the same time they wore me out.

  I could take them in big, heavy doses, but the breaks in between were of paramount importance.

  Of course, Wade had come with me, and the sight of him on the river had been worth the price of almost all of my values. I just about threw it all out the window and jumped him, the tan of his taut abs glistening with water as the kids around us splashed and played.

  I’d laughed a lot, watching with amusement as he managed to get caught in the net of families time after time, sucked away from me as I drifted on down the river free from obstacles. His face was one of resigned frustration and when I wasn’t laughing I was studying the lines of it. Each shape and expression a different version of the last, but personally distinguishable all the same. When he was only mildly distressed—namely when the kids would demand he join in their fun, immune to his futile protests—his brows would sink lower over his eyes, pulling the skin of his forehead together into a few vertical lines, but his face stayed soft, laugh lines lining the corners of his eyes and mouth.

  After fifteen or so laps, he’d finally grown frustrated enough to call it a lazy river day, and being the kind soul that I was, I took pity on him and dropped down into my current spot on a poolside chair, a chair of his own located conveniently right next to mine.

  I’d mostly avoided conversation, reading on my kindle and drinking a Coke that the kind man himself had gone to get me. Slides, pools, beaches, and two brilliant coral towers rising straight out of ocean-like water, the scenery helped to waylay conversation too. There was always something to look at, something to discover, or some other set of people having a conversation worth listening to.

  But even when Wade and I did talk, I didn’t mention everything he’d said that morning.

  I wasn’t ready, but I hoped my compliant actions would be enough for the time being.

  After all, I was spending time with him, giving him the chance he’d so earnestly asked for.

  My heart was open to more, but my head did a good job of keeping it in check for once.

  “What are you doing?” Wade asked, finally reaching the end of his silent rope. His masculine pose with one knee cocked to rest at the knee of the other and all that tan skin stretching and glistening with undried water, distracted me from both his words and my intentions to mostly ignore him.

  I’d decided that messing with him was a little fun, and since it wasn’t something I’d ever done before, the newfound power was worth the price of the test drive. I almost didn’t recognize myself, usually so concerned with the feelings of others that I didn’t consider my own.

  I wasn’t sure how long I’d be able to maintain it, but for now, the change was somewhat liberating.

  Glancing surreptitiously in his direction, I shifted my body, angling my phone just slightly in order to further pique his interest. “Looking at my TrueLoveFirst.com profile.”

  “What?!” he sputtered, sitting up abruptly. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No,” I protested, fighting a smirk and lying for effect. “There are some interesting men on here.”

  So far I hadn’t seen anyone who even came close to the man lying next to me.

  He ripped his sunglasses off of his face, dangling them from his fingertips and settling the outstretched arm on his still bent leg. His eyebrows rose infinitesimally. “And by ‘interesting’ do you mean creepy?”

  “No!” I protested, pretending to scroll seriously.

  After several seconds, his curiosity got the better of him. “Let me see.”

  “No,” I denied simply, keeping my eyes trained to the screen.

  “Come on!” he snapped, swinging his legs off of the side of the chair and scooting it toward me.

  Extra warmth radiated off of his body, dialing the heat on an already hot day to unbearable.

  Wiping sweat from my brow, I tilted the phone toward him reluctantly.

  Empty hands clenched at the loss shortly after he relocated my phone into his own.

  He looked seriously, a line forming between his eyes in concentration. “Oh my God,” he remarked, showing me the display on my own phone. “That guy is a serial killer. Guaranteed.”

  Cupping my hand around the screen to deflect the glaring sunlight, I studied the photo, noting the scary smile and awkward angle of the camera. The picture might as well have been taken in a meat freezer for as appealing as it made the guy look.

  Still, I couldn’t give Wade the satisfaction.

  “No, he’s not. See,
” I pointed, scrolling down to the paragraph of description below the picture. “Here? Interests. Long hikes in the woods—”

  “For dumping bodies,” Wade cut in, tilting his head comically.

  A roll of my eyes did nothing to prevent my reading of the next activity. “Boating.”

  A low chuckle rumbled right out of him and into my chest, triggering an involuntary shiver. “Also good for the dumping of bodies.”

  The vibration felt so familiar, like I’d experienced it more than I had. But really, I’d only truly felt it one time, the closeness with which he held me from above as we talked both before and during sex making a lasting impression. He hovered over me now, but his skin had yet to touch mine.

  Scrolling further down, I knew there had to be something in this guy’s list of interests that wouldn’t land him on an episode of CSI.

  “Here!” I shouted victoriously. “Baking! That’s a happy activity. There’s no way you can turn that into something bad.”

  “I tell you what,” he appeased with a smirk. “I’ll leave you to your happiness and not tell you the things I could.”

  Wait. Something nefarious from baking?

  “Now I want to know.”

  “Nope.”

  “Come on!” I pleaded. “You can’t do this to me!”

  “It’s hard wanting to hear something and knowing it’s not gonna happen, huh?”

  My eyes narrowed. That bastard. Turning this around on me.

  “Fine,” I forced through clenched teeth. If he was going to play that way, I was going to join the game.

  After several minutes of silent treatment, I gave in. “Come on.”

  Biting his plump bottom lip and shaking his gorgeous head playfully, he didn’t give in, but instead, offered something else.

  “Here. Let me put a little sunscreen on you before your shoulders get red.”

  Not thinking preemptively of how foolish it was to count myself out of the opportunity for another massage, I turned him down. “I don’t believe in sunscreen.”