The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2

by Charles Dean

  "And you didn't want your dad to worry about you while you were off gallivanting on a giant Hydra?"

  "It's a game, Dad. It's not like anything could actually happen."

  Robert finished his coffee in a single gulp and stood up to pour himself more. After he had finished filling his mug for the second time, he reached out and filled Kass's as well.

  "That's true." Robert replaced the coffee pot but didn't sit back down, instead choosing to remain standing as he spoke to his daughter. "But I also have the sneaking suspicion that you know you were doing something you weren't supposed to be. Like, for example, using an in-game mob in a manner other than directed--and as a personal transportation system no less."

  Robert hoped that he had wrapped his point in enough levity that it would soften the blow. The last thing he wanted to do right now was put Kass on the defensive.

  She took the bait. "'A manner other than directed,' Dad? The Hydra didn't exactly come with a warning label."

  "Well, maybe it should have," Robert said, scratching his chin thoughtfully. He was made aware of the fact that he was going to need to shave today as he did so. "I remember how much trouble you had just passing your test to get your learner's permit, and you did that in a sedan."

  "Must you always bring up that?" Kass finally took a seat at the table across from where Robert had previously been sitting. Rather than sitting down himself, however, Robert continue to stand, leaning back on the counter instead.

  "Hey, I'm just looking out for you. How would you feel if your account were to be suspended because you were exploiting mobs in the game? And even using it to kill other players." Robert paused to take a sip from his new cup of coffee. "I may work for the company, Kass, but that doesn't make you bulletproof. Even I couldn't do anything to save you if that were to happen. Then, just maybe, you might actually have to find a real job instead of hiding your head in that game and trying to avoid the unemployment issue."

  "Aren't you guys expressly forbidden from involving yourselves in the game?" Kass asked, clearly grasping at the first straw that came to mind in the hopes of saving herself. "Besides, I told you, I'm doing the interview today. They offered to pay me five thousand dollars just for talking about it on the radio."

  "So you knowingly exploited the game, and now you're going to go on public radio and talk about it to a bunch of other people playing the same game? Don't you think that might be a bad idea? You're openly admitting to everyone that you've been cheating. How soon before they start questioning everything else? I know you were rather proud of being one of the highest level frost mages, but don't you think that everyone else will accuse you of cheating to do that too?"

  "It wasn't cheating, Dad. Darwin used a skill to turn the Hydra into a pet so he could control it. Then, he just had it fight for us. He did the same thing with the Turtle-Wolves."

  "Kass," Robert spoke carefully, trying to take any accusatory tone out of his voice, "there's no skill in the game that would let you control a high-level mob like that. You can tame certain types of monsters and use them as a pet if you're playing as the correct class, but never so many at once. As soon as you go on the radio and start talking about it, people are going to cry foul play. Think about it: have you seen anyone else in the game who could do that?"

  Kass looked back at her father, obviously trying to decide how to answer the quandary Robert had presented to her. "If it weren't part of the game, he wouldn't be able to do it, Dad. Darwin is a much higher level than most of the other players on the server. Just because they can't do it yet doesn't mean that they won't be able to later on when they unlock the skills."

  Robert began shaking his head as soon as Kass started talking. "No, I don't think you're understanding me. It's not part of the game at all. No one should be able to control that many creatures at once--not ever. A skill like that would be incredibly powerful and create problems for a wide variety of reasons. If you were able to control an entire army of monsters, think about the effect it would have on the game. You could clear entire dungeons without ever having to fight. The natural conflicts between the in-game races and the NPC armies would be meaningless since players could theoretically just create their own and do whatever they wanted.

  "Not to mention that, from a back-end standpoint, the load on the servers would be incredible. Just imagine if hundreds of players all showed up to the same spot simultaneously, all controlling their own private armies. I can't even begin to imagine how much strain it would be on the AI to have to sort out and control that many units in the same area at once. It would literally be attempting to execute millions of calculations and commands every second just to sustain them. Our systems are pretty amazing. I have to admit that even I have been impressed with their performance so far, but there's very little likelihood it could handle something on that scale. We would never intentionally program something into the game that was going to set us up for failure."

  "Then you must have made a mistake somewhere in the coding," Kass said accusingly. "There must be a hole, a loop or whatever it is you call it, that's letting him do it."

  "No," Robert responded flatly. "You told me before that Darwin was a fighter, right?"

  "Yes," Kass said, nodding her affirmation.

  "There's no parameter or condition anywhere that would allow a fighter of any type or level to have control over monsters. The function is specifically reserved for another class entirely; and, believe me, there is no point where even that class could ever control a creature as strong as the Hydra."

  Robert paused, taking another sip from his cup. He wanted to give her time to process what he was saying before he continued. "Right after you first started playing, around the same time you first told me about Darwin, you mentioned that he was wearing a bathrobe, right? That he was using a spoon as a weapon?"

  "Yes, I suppose so."

  "Didn't you find that a little strange? Don't you still?"

  "Well, I guess so. I've actually gotten pretty used to it at this point though. I don't even really think that much about it anymore.

  "Well, I thought it was a little strange as well. I asked around at the office and had some of the guys go through the object databases. There's no equipable version of a spoon in the game. Don't get me wrong, they exist of course. You could pick them up, move them around, or even eat food with them. There's no way, however, you could attack another player or a mob with one. There's no damage stat associated with it. Even if you were to try and stab someone with one, it wouldn't do anything. As for the bathrobe? That object doesn't even exist. To be quite frank, we have no clue how it's even in the game, much less functioning as an equippable piece of armor. Not to mention the fact that he's playing as a race with a character design that's completely alien to the game world. How many pale-skinned, red-eyed guys have you seen besides him?"

  "Dad, what's the point of all this? Darwin isn't a bad person. He's not a hacker, a cheater, or an exploiter like you're trying to make him out to be. He's not the kind of person who would ever do any of those things, believe me. He's a nice guy." Kass was getting defensive, and it showed in her voice.

  Robert found himself shaking his head again. "How much do you even really know about this guy, Kass? He's just some random guy in a virtual world hiding behind the guise of a fictional character. He can pretend to be anything he wants and justify it because he's playing a game. He's no different from the people who go around in video games killing anything and everyone 'just because they can.' Do you think those people are really mass murderers in the real world? Serial killers?" Robert was hitting very close to his point without ever actually trying to just outright say it. He knew that Kass would never actually believe the truth of it or how ironic his phrasing was. "I'm willing to bet that most of them are just teenagers living at home with their parents or adults who have ordinary, boring, everyday office jobs."

  "I really don't have time for this right now," Kass said coldly as she finished her coffee and stood up. "Like I t
old you, I have an interview to get to."

  Robert sighed. It was clear that he wasn't going to get anywhere by directly attacking Darwin. "You're making a mistake, Kass. I haven't had to tell you that many times in your life, but right now I'm going to say it: you're making a mistake. If you go and give this interview, it's going to backfire on you. You're completely ignoring the backlash that's going to come from it. I'm asking you the exact same questions that they're going to ask you at the interview. I mean, let's pretend, just for a second, that you're either vague or unwilling to answer their questions. What's going to happen when they find out that you're my daughter? How's it going to look when the lead programmer's daughter can mysteriously do all these special things no one else can and that she has access to all these amazing skills that no one else does? How do you think that's going to look for me, Kass? Don't you think this is going to have an effect on my career? That no one at work will start asking the same questions?"

  "So that's what this is about," Kass accused. "You're just worried about protecting yourself and your job."

  "No, I'm worried about protecting you, Kass. You're my daughter. My primary job is to protect you."

  "I'm an adult now, Dad," Kass snapped back defensively, crossing her arms over her chest. "I can make my own decisions, and I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I'm not some little girl anymore who needs you to hold her hand everywhere she goes. Besides, you're the one who was so insistent I find a job and make some money. I'm just doing exactly what you told me to."

  Robert was immediately grateful she had provided him the opportunity he had been looking for. "Speaking of which, I mentioned you to Charles yesterday during our meeting. I told him I had been encouraging you to apply for a job with the company, and he seemed to be thrilled by the idea. He said he would be happy to even meet with you himself. This is big, Kass. He could place you anywhere you wanted. If things went well and you impressed him, you would basically have your pick of any job you wanted."

  "Oh, is that what that meeting was about?" Kass snapped back. "So you could beg your weird boss to give your out-of-work, loser daughter a job? Thanks for that little boost of confidence, Dad. I can't make my own decisions, I can't decide who my friends are, and I need you to beg someone to give me a job. Thanks a lot, really."

  As soon she finished speaking, Kass stormed out of the kitchen and back up the stairs.

  Chapter 10: Guess Who's Coming for Dinner?

  Qasin:

  The air was salty and foul, almost to the point of being putrid, as Qasin marched behind the army of over ten thousand men with the Panda King. It was the familiar smell of sweat from countless men going farther than they should in heavy armor under the strain of the midday heat. It was the stench that leached into the uniforms, the lining of their armor, to the point where only thorough scrubbing ever pulled it off. Scrubbing, however, was a task that most men never did, a task that those downwind paid for during every march. It was an expected odor, but Qasin didn’t have to like it. Just blow the other way, he grumpily cursed at the wind as they moved between the trees of the forest.

  “It’s quiet,” he said, putting voice to his thoughts. “We haven’t even seen one scout.”

  “That’s because they are afraid. When the might of our army moves, even the ground trembles,” the Panda King bragged again. He had been continuously boasting the entire trip: ‘My army can crush anything,’ ‘My army is undefeated,’ ‘Every man in my army can kill ten of those weak Humans.’ He bragged at every possible chance.

  “Pay him no heed,” Eve said with her usual fake smile. “He’s just upset that there is a situation he can’t control. The worse it gets, the further he’ll spiral,” she reassured him. But what was the point? Was she also unable to control the situation?

  As they got closer to the enemy encampment, less and less of why he was even bothering to stand on this side made sense. Even Eve’s attempts to calm and coax him were becoming transparent. She just doesn’t want her puppet out of line, he thought as his feet moved mechanically. The lure of the upcoming bloodshed was eradicated by the queasy feeling he got from standing too near the Panda King and from listening to Eve try and manipulate him. Perhaps she, too, is feigning confidence even as she begins to lose control. Maybe she knows these things won’t go as she had hoped and that, instead of a glorious victory for her new pet dog, her brother will crush the Panda King, and she will be left unable to control him like she has me.

  “This brute butchered the sacred forests! What did the trees ever do to him?” The Panda King gasped as his men began to walk out of the woods, no longer dodging trees but instead stepping over freshly-cut stumps.

  “We’re still a ways from the mountain,” Qasin noted, as he struggled to peer over the other warriors, a hard thing to do at his height. “If their lumber harvesting extends this far back, what did they do with all of the wood?”

  “Probably lit fires, the hairless monkeys. You know how their kind gets so cold whenever a breeze passes.” The Panda King almost spit the words. Whatever calm and collected demeanor the King had shown when Qasin first met him was clearly gone. “My apologies, am I not being considerate? Are you’re cold as well?” The Panda King laughed at Qasin. “It’s too bad we didn’t bring blankets for our new friends. How inhospitable.” The Panda King’s drooling mouth flicked pieces of spit as he spoke, and his eyes squinted despite his face’s cheerful demeanor.

  The hearty laughter grated on Qasin’s ears. “Hubris,” Qasin said. Only one word, but enough to rile the Panda King’s anger and put a sudden stop to his laughter.

  “A man is only arrogant when he is wrong,” the fat bear countered. “If he is right, then he is just confident. It’s not hubris to think that we will trample the enemy as if he is naught but dirt beneath our feet when our force is this mighty, and they have only a few hundred men and no understanding of war.”

  “Hubris,” Qasin repeated, confident in his assertion. The Panda King would fall, the Humans would no longer be oppressed in this land, and all would be right with the world. The best part about it? He had a front row seat for their downfall. He would, like he had so many times before back in the Human Kingdom, have a front and center view of one of his champions destroying the arrogant competition who dared to challenge him. Darwin was a new champion, but the result would be the same. No cavalry, few archers, no notable magicians . . . The champion that had crushed a legion of White-Horns would not be undone by this rabble. It was indeed hubris for the Panda King to think otherwise.

  As the clinking, clacking and clicking sounds of metal crushing metal, pressing dirt, and banging wooden weapon shafts continued to ring out, a noticeable jolt in the cacophony rang through from the front. We’re here. Qasin smiled. Blood would pour bountifully across this once beautiful land.

  “What is that? I can’t see the field.” The Panda King tried to look over his troops to no avail. “Guards, prepare the platform!” He yelled as his army finished coming to a stop.

  As Qasin watched the rear line of men unloaded their backpacks of material and begin building a giant, three-story-tall platform in the middle of the field. Qasin sighed. It wasn’t unusual. He had seen nobles like this before even in the Human lands. Qasin personally hated it, firmly believing that a strong leader should be in the front lines of any conflict along with his people; but, he also knew that there would be this type of person--the one who treated his subjects as a means to an end and the battles in war as nothing more than shows where he could watch from afar as other people achieved his objectives for him.

  “Are you coming?” The Panda King teased as he started walking up the stairs to seats that were being hastily finished at the top. “I wouldn’t want our guests of honor to miss the destruction of every fighting Human in this land.”

  And I don’t want to miss your arrogance being crushed, Qasin thought as he started walking up the stairs. In just a short time a rivalry had developed between Qasin and the fat ruler. Everything
about the bear-man reminded Qasin of the Human Council, of how much he had hated the double-talking and snide remarks when they thought they were winning.

  “Ladies first,” Qasin extended an arm, letting Eve go up the stairs before him. This fight was going to be a show indeed. He smiled, more assured with each passing moment that things were going to go exactly as he expected.

  “What idiots!” the Panda King said as he reached the top of the hastily constructed pavilion and looked out over the field. Qasin couldn’t see what he was talking about at first, but as he finished climbing the stairs and looked out over the field below, he saw it.

  What on earth is he thinking? Qasin thought as he looked out over the battlefield.

  “He didn’t even put up a gate?” the Panda King laughed. “That stupid monkey thinks he doesn’t need any defenses, that he can beat us in the open field.”

  “I wouldn’t be so confident,” Eve said, looking at the blockade of blue-scaled shields with spears sticking up over them that stood where there should have been a door, gate, or another form of defense. “He is no fool.”

  “No fool?” The Panda King couldn’t control his laughter. “He built a massive wall and then left a huge opening for us to come through. Did he think he could stop the forces of our legions with cumbersome shields and unwieldy toothpicks? Or are the toothpicks just complimentary, intended to go with the snack? Those absurdly large shields will make excellent platters.”

  “I’m telling you he is no fool,” Eve warned again, but it was obvious from the fact that the King was still chuckling that he didn’t believe it for a minute. There just wasn’t an obvious explanation for what the Human side was doing.

  Even Qasin felt defeated looking at the shieldwall. Where is the gate? Where are his pots with molten tar to spill out on the first wave of enemies? Where are the archers lined up against the wall? What happened to the Blue-Drakes? he asked himself, suddenly panicking and doubting that the Humans would even stand a chance. What are you thinking, Champion? His eyes darted across the field, looking for the man who had slain a thousand White-Horns, the man who had brought back the confidence and fire he needed to save the realm and kill the poisonous snakes within his court.