One-Click Buy: September 2010 Harlequin Blaze

by Lori Wilde

  And not, unfortunately, offering a semblance of peace.

  All he could think of was that look of betrayal on Drucilla’s face. The anger lurking in her eyes when she’d stormed out of the lab. God, he’d blown it. Better, though, to blow it now before she started thinking there was any chance of them having an actual relationship.

  Which definitely made him a dick. He just wasn’t sure how much of a dick he was. Or if size really mattered in this situation.

  His cell phone buzzed, saving him from reaching any more depressing conclusions.

  “Maddow.”

  “Baby.”

  Despite his gloom, Alex had to smile. “Hi, Mom.”

  “You feel jangly, baby. What’s the matter?”

  Feel, not sound. A lifetime of his mother’s intuition meant Alex didn’t blink at her knowing he was feeling like crap. The word jangly, though, did make him grin.

  “Just some work problems.”

  “Are you working too hard, baby? You have to keep up the meditation routine. You know, yoga really isn’t emasculating. My instructor is a very hunky and deliciously muscled man who mountain climbs, rides a very loud motorcycle and can go all night long.”

  Alex cringed. His mother’s free-and-easy sexual dialogue with her only child? One of her less appealing qualities.

  “I’ll stick with the ocean,” he said quickly.

  “Which I can hear in the background, baby. So tell me what you’re worrying about.”

  He shifted on the rock, feeling good for the first time in two days. His mom might be a little flaky, big on oversharing and unable to stay in one place for more than a month. But damned if she hadn’t always been there for him.

  “I’m thinking about heading to New York for a while,” he said slowly, staring out at the pounding waves.

  “New York? Too stuffy and fast, but you do better with the quicker pace than I do. So why are you thinking New York?”

  “I was invited to join a physics group-lecture tour. They offered me keynote, but I can only stick with it for six weeks, then I’m heading to Maryland to consult for a month at Johns Hopkins.”

  “That’s a lot of traveling, isn’t it?”

  “That’s what we do,” he said, grabbing a handful of small stones to lob into the ocean. “Make as much of an impact as possible as we travel the world, right?”

  She made a sound of agreement, that mom sound that told him she was totally distracted but still paying attention.

  “What about the cosmic string project?” she asked.

  The rocks dug into his fingers as he fisted his hand in frustration. The waves were supposed to have washed this feeling away, weren’t they?

  He glared at the water and wondered if he should head down to Santa Cruz, maybe get some surfing in. He was much better as a participant than a spectator.

  “Itchy feet,” he sidestepped, using his mom’s favorite excuse.

  “Oh, baby.” Disappointment dripped from her tone.

  Alex pulled the phone away to give it a confused look, then grimaced and asked, “Huh?”

  “You’re not living up to your full potential, Albert Alexander.”

  Alex’s automatic wince at his full name turned to confusion. “I repeat, huh?”

  “You might be reaching your fullest scientific and career potential, but you’re hiding from life.”

  Alex’s spine stiffened. His mother’s words stung, making him want to throw the phone this time instead of rocks.

  “Isn’t that why you’re always on the go?” he asked. “To avoid things? To stay one step ahead of the mundane?”

  “Mundane? Life should never be mundane, baby. If it is, you’re doing something wrong.”

  “Then why do you always move around?” he asked, voicing the question that’d haunted him for most of his life, unable to stop the words this time.

  “I love to see new things, new places. That was enough at first. Then, later, because I was thinking of you.”

  “Of me?”

  “You’re brilliant, baby. You always have been. At first, it was all I could give you. All I could show you. That there was a bigger world out there. That there is life outside the lab.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Your father was just as obsessed with his job as your grandfather,” she said, her voice sounding pained, as it always did when they talked about his father. “You know how intense your grandfather gets. He lives, breathes, eats for physics. His marriage failed, he has no friends and only sees you at science conferences.”

  “And Dad?”

  “I’d love to think that if he’d survived, he’d have lived a full life. But he was already well on the road to following in your grandfather’s footsteps. Work, work, work. All I could do was try to counteract that genetic obsession.”

  “And all your wanderings now?”

  “Baby, I love to travel. I’m blessed that your father left me wealthy enough that I can do what I love without restriction. But that’s for me. Not for you.”

  Alex unclenched his fist and stared at the indentations the rocks had left.

  “Tell me this, do you like to travel, Albert Alexander?”

  Alex winced again over the full name, but answered, “Not really.”

  “When you reach all those new places, do you sightsee? Do you collect mementos? Do you have photo albums?”

  His sneer was an automatic rejection of girlie nostalgia, but he could still see where she was going with this.

  “Albert Alexander?”

  For the millionth time, Alex gave thanks that his mom called him by a juvenile nickname in all but the most serious discussions.

  “No,” he muttered.

  “Baby, I wanted to give you a love for life. An openness to exploring possibilities. I never meant for you to become afraid of commitment.”

  “I’m not…”

  “You don’t even have an apartment,” she said triumphantly, as if his lack of real estate was her ultimate proof.

  “An apartment is hardly a sign of commitment, Mother. You never stay in yours.”

  “That’s because it’s not really there for me, baby. It’s for you.”

  Alex squinted at the water, trying to figure that one out. Eventually he resorted to his fallback. “Huh?”

  “You needed a place.”

  He couldn’t even offer a huh to that.

  “Well, face it, baby, we couldn’t haul your awards around in the Chevy, could we?” When he didn’t even laugh, she sighed, the sound huge over the phone.

  “Look, I like moving around,” Alex defended. “I thrive on the variety of challenges I encounter at the different labs and projects.”

  “Of course you do.”

  “And it helps that I don’t make lasting connections. That kind of thing would just slow me down. Split my focus, you know?”

  “And that’s bad, right?”

  “Well, yeah. How can I pay my dues to science if I’m giving it anything less than one hundred percent?”

  “Your father used to say something similar.”

  Alex’s arguments pretty well fizzled at that point. He stared at the water and tried to sort his thoughts.

  “If I stick around, I’m bound to disappoint…someone.”

  “Life’s full of disappointments, baby. The trick is to find someone who can help make those disappointments bearable. Someone who makes you laugh, who gives you a reason to be thankful for each day and offers you the incentive to strive to be your best.”

  Bearable? Thankful? Be his best?

  Instantly, Drucilla’s face flashed in his mind. Her gorgeous eyes laughing up at him. The excitement she showed over his achievements and scientific genius. The sexual intensity she pushed him to, making him want to be bigger, stronger, better.

  And it was just as simple as that.

  “You bought the apartment for me?” he said, a little choked up.

  “You need a touchstone. A home base and a sense of belonging. The apartmen
t made you feel safe so you could have all those adventures.”

  Alex stared out at the pounding surf, finally feeling that inner peace the waves always brought him. Maybe it wasn’t the ocean, he realized. Maybe it was that simple reminder of his actual touchstone.

  “Thanks, Mom,” he said quietly.

  “You can always bring me these little problems. That’s why I’m here. To take care of those things for you. Baby, you should know that by now.”

  He laughed.

  “Now,” she continued, “tell me about this girl you’re all crazy in love with.”

  15

  ALEX STRODE down the hall of Trifecta, filled with a sense of purpose. He paused in front of Drucilla’s office door and wiped his hands on his jeans, then straightened his shoulders and reached for the doorknob.

  Not that he had any doubts that Drucilla was going to be thrilled to see him…eventually. But the convincing part? That might be a little stressful.

  But he was all about the challenge, he reminded himself as he knocked twice then twisted the knob.

  “Drucilla,” he greeted in such a fake jovial tone that it made him cringe internally.

  Silence.

  He scanned the office.

  No gorgeous blonde behind the desk. No sexy scientist in the corner. No cried-on tissues overflowing the trash can. No shades pulled depressingly against the morning sunshine.

  His shoulders slumped.

  A part of him, so long in control, wanted to shrug and say, “Hey, you tried. Now head off to the rest of your life.”

  Then he thought about a future without Drucilla. If he walked away, that dismal image was a guarantee. The only chance he had to change it was to stick around long enough to convince her to give him a shot.

  He threw himself into the chair and dropped his head against the wooden back with a heavy sigh. Crap, this all sucked so much. He’d blown it. He knew he had nobody else to blame, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to smash something.

  He’d spent the last two days trying to reach Drucilla, but she’d refused to answer the phone. He’d gone by her apartment, but if she’d been there hiding in the dark, she hadn’t answered. He’d resisted—barely—stopping by her mother’s.

  But at this point, the only thing that’d kept him going through the night was the idea that he’d be able to fix things with Drucilla today.

  So where the hell was she so he could get to the fixing?

  Fingers tapping on the desk, he spent the first five minutes staring at the door.

  He spent the next five pacing the office.

  At the thirty-minute mark his nerves were shot, his hair a tousled mess and his stomach churning.

  God, he had to get a grip. He slumped into Drucilla’s chair, dug his elbows into the desk and dropped his head to his fists. Where the hell was she?

  He stared at the folders neatly arranged under his elbows. His eyes narrowed. One, the thickest one, was labeled Pownter Contract.

  Confused, he straightened and pulled it open. He’d barely started to read the first page when someone cleared her throat at the door.

  “Drucilla,” he said quickly, tossing the folder aside to jump up. He almost tripped over the chair as he hurried around the desk to greet her. So much for being smooth.

  “I’ve been trying to reach you,” he told her, not sure if he should be angry or relieved that she was finally here.

  He stared, taking in the shock etched on that gorgeous face, and settled for thrilled.

  “I got your messages,” she said, looking anything but thrilled herself. Actually, she looked as if she wanted to turn tail and head right back out the door. After a couple seconds, though, she lifted her chin and stepped the rest of the way into the office, carefully shutting the door behind her.

  “You got my messages?” he repeated. “But you didn’t return them. Were you ever going to talk to me again?”

  She wet her lips in that way that made him desperate to nibble on her. Then she shrugged and admitted, “I honestly hadn’t planned to, no. I figured you were leaving and I was staying. What could we possibly have left to say to each other?”

  He remembered the heart-wrenching words she’d thrown at him before walking out of the boardroom two days before. He’d been hoping he could breeze in here with a charming smile, a grand gesture, a pretty speech and that would fix everything. He’d figured he could sweep her off her feet again, without having to put himself too far out there.

  But she deserved more than that.

  They deserved more.

  “Look, I screwed up,” he declared. “I totally, selfishly screwed everything up. Us, the project, possibly our future. I’m here to do whatever is necessary to fix things between us.”

  “The reality hasn’t changed, though, Alex.” She said it as if she’d just confirmed a terminal prognosis. In a way, hadn’t she? Because if her expression was any indication, she considered their relationship dead and buried.

  “I can fix the reality,” he insisted.

  “You can’t change me, Alex.”

  “Huh?” What the hell was she talking about? And he was supposed to be such a brilliant guy?

  “You said you were totally into me until reality hit. Until you got to know the real me,” she said. The pain those words had caused was clear in her voice, the devastation making her lower lip tremble.

  “You think that’s the reality I was talking about? That that’s what I meant?” he asked slowly. God, he was such a dick. He’d been so busy trying to run before he got hurt, he hadn’t seen the pain he was causing Drucilla.

  He could see it now, though. Her beautiful indigo eyes were filled with pain. He couldn’t stop his move toward her any more than he could stop his next breath.

  “I didn’t mean you,” he explained, risking her anger but not able to help himself from taking her hands and lifting them to his lips. “You, Drucilla, are perfect. You’re sweet and sexy. Smart and savvy. You’re clever, loving and loyal. The reality of you is more than my heart can hold.”

  “But… I don’t understand.” She looked as if he’d just smacked her upside the head with a telescope. Wide-eyed, shocked and still a little hurt.

  “I meant my reality, Drucilla,” he said quickly, needing to get that look off her face.

  She sniffed, pressing her lips tight. He could see her trying to find the icy cloak she used to hide behind. But with her hands trembling in his, she couldn’t seem to.

  “I don’t understand,” she repeated. She offered him a shaky smile then said in a joking tone, “Are we talking about perception or multidimensional realities here?”

  “I’m the problem. You were right,” he explained. Even though he knew he had to get the words out, saying them was harder than taking a surfboard to the head. “This is my issue. I thought I had to move from place to place. That I couldn’t commit to anything. My dad was a physicist. My grandfather’s a physicist. Both of them were barely able to commit long enough to sire children, let alone anything else.”

  He forced himself to push past a lifelong loyalty and, he finally admitted, just as many years of lying to himself. “My parents had a lousy marriage. They were in the process of divorcing when my dad died in a plane crash. He was never home anyway, so I barely noticed the difference.”

  She gave him a long, sympathetic look as she gently slid her hands over his cheeks. Pressing a soft kiss to his lips, she leaned back and told him, “I understand. I really do. I spent most of my life thinking I was just like my father—doomed to fail.”

  He smoothed his hand through her hair and pressed his own kiss to her forehead, wondering how two seemingly intelligent people could be so emotionally stupid.

  “I take it you’ve realized how mistaken that thinking is,” he said with a stern look.

  Her smile was hesitant, but it still felt like sunshine, warming him all the way through to his heart.

  “I did,” she admitted. “Even better, I realized that the only failures I’m acco
untable for are my own, and the only person who can drive my success is me.”

  He nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear so he could better see the clean lines of her beautiful face.

  “I wasn’t trying to derail your success, or undermine your authority, Drucilla. Please keep that in mind…” He hesitated, wanting to let it go. But he’d learned his lesson before. He had to tell her right away. “But I tried to contact Charlene Pownter yesterday. I was going to offer to accept the original contract. Complete with the two-year agreement.”

  “What?” She stared up at him as if he really was the rock star she always referred to him as. Awed, shocked and just a little turned on. He liked that look.

  He was torn between kissing her while she stared up at him like that and hurrying on with the details. As much as he wanted her, he wanted to get on with their future together even more.

  “I tried to get the deal back for you. I figured if I agreed to terms, maybe offered to do a few additional lectures or assist on any of their other projects, they might reconsider.”

  “Alex—”

  “No, don’t thank me or anything,” he interrupted. “I couldn’t reach Charlene so nothing’s set yet. But I will, I promise.” And he would. He’d do anything for her. “Or I’ll offer whatever you prefer. I just want this to work out, for us to work together. To be together.”

  OH, GOD. It was like having a dream come true right here in her office. The only thing that kept her from pinching herself to see if she was really asleep was the fact that they were both fully clothed. Generally, all her dreams of Alex had at least one of them mostly naked.

  Dru scrunched her nose, nibbling at her lower lip as she tried to figure out how to answer him without damaging his ego. Or worse, driving another wedge between them.

  “Alex, I appreciate that. I really do.” She tore her gaze from his face, with those dark sexy eyes watching her so intently, and waved her hand toward her desk. “But, well, I’ve already agreed to a different contract.”

  He frowned, looking at the Pownter-contract folder she’d gestured to. She winced, waiting.