Indulge

by Liv Morris

  “Garrett, did you enjoy the song about caterpillars? Do you need someone to sing to you every day, too?” I’m being silly and trying to tease him.

  Instead of deflecting, he says, “Sweetheart, I would give anything in this world to hear you sing to me every day. And you can sing about whatever you want. You’re quite amazing, Lex! What you’re giving to Sierra is priceless. Those memories are irreplaceable.”

  Tears…I feel them coming. Oh no, I haven’t cried in a while. I was doing so good! Not now, I plead with myself. But it’s happening, and I can’t stop them. The dam has opened.

  “Lex, you’re the best mom. I thought my mom was pretty amazing, and she is, but what I just heard, sweetheart. You really are special. I’ve never experienced anything quite like that.”

  Yep, big tears are streaming down my face. I’m not sure what to say. I hate when people see me cry, but this time they aren’t sad tears. I try so hard to be not just a good mom, but the best mom, and so often I feel inadequate. I want to fill Jed’s shoes, too, so I work twice as hard to compensate sometimes. It’s exhausting, but I love Sierra so much it makes it all worth it. The fact that Garrett sees what I wish I could see, makes me happy but also makes me wonder how it’s possible he got that from overhearing a ten minute conversation.

  “Thank you, Garrett, for saying that. You don’t know how much that means to me.” He just lifts me off the sand and holds me banishing my tears, as he wipes them away one by one with the tip of his pointer finger.

  It’s getting late and I told Whitney before I left that I’d be back for breakfast. They’re all probably just waking up. We start walking back toward the resort, in the comfortable silence of before, but this time my mind is consumed with thoughts of saying goodbye to Garrett and not seeing him for God knows how long. Now that I’ve spent this time with him, it feels like a huge loss all over again. I don’t want to be an overzealous blast from the past. I’ll walk away with a smile, even though my heart will break a little on the inside.

  Right before we reach the resort he stops abruptly and pulls me into him. “Lex, I’m not ready to say goodbye to you. It’s too hard. I know this is a girls’ weekend, and I can’t hijack all your time, but please, will you come to the wedding with me tonight? I need to spend more time with you. Nine years is a very long time to make up for in a few hours.”

  His beautiful gray eyes are pleading with me, but there’s no fighting on this end. I’m relieved that he was thinking the same thing as me. He’s not ready to walk away either. How can I possibly deny him, or myself for that matter? He’s right. This little amount of time is nowhere near enough.

  “Yes, Garrett, I’d love to go to the wedding with you. I’ll go upstairs and raid the girls’ closets. I’m sure I can come up with something to wear to a wedding between all our wardrobes.”

  His face lights up like the Fourth of July. “Thank you so much, sweetheart. I’ll pick you up at 4:30. I’ll have my phone with me if you want to call and say ‘hi’ today, or if you need anything. You have my number so use it, Alexis.” He winks at me and then we walk into the resort.

  Chapter 5

  She’s coming to the wedding with me! She said she’d come. I never expected her to agree, but she didn’t even hesitate. I’m shocked, yet so damn excited! I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to do more than kiss her. I felt like I’d just hit the jackpot. The idea of having to spend time with her in a room full of people doesn’t thrill me as much as having her all to myself, but as long as I get to be close to her, I really don’t care. I’ll take what I can get.

  I’m performing a song for the bride and groom’s first dance tonight. They chose the song Marry Me by Train. Now I have a better idea. I pull out my phone and text Alexis.

  Me: Do you know the song Marry Me by Train?

  She responds right away. Nice! I like that.

  Alexis: Of course, who doesn’t?

  She’s such a smart ass sometimes. I kind of like it, but it evokes a need I can’t quite take care of with her, unfortunately. Down, boy!

  Me: Have you ever heard the version by Martina McBride & Pat Monahan?

  Fingers are crossed. I want to sing with her again, badly.

  Alexis: Yes. It’s my favorite version. I’m a country girl through and through. You should know that!

  She is a country girl. It was one of the first things I loved about her, and clearly she hasn’t strayed from her roots. That makes me proud.

  Me: Will you sing it with me, tonight? For the bride and groom’s first dance? It’s supposed to be my gift to them.

  Alexis: Garrett, they want to hear you, not me. I’ll just stand by the stage and try to look pretty.

  Oh please, she thinks if she stands by the stage she’ll go unnoticed. I know better. Every eye in the room will be on her. Guaranteed!

  Me: Please? It’ll be so much better if you sing with me. It’s been too long. What can I do to convince you, Lex? Name it? Any price, deed or favor.

  I’m begging her, and damn well praying she wants a deed or a favor, but I’d pay any price. I know her too well, though. She’ll do it if she wants to, but if she doesn’t want to, there’ll be nothing I can do to convince her.

  Alexis: Ugh! Only if you come up to my room with your guitar so we can practice. I don’t want to wing it and I’ll need LOTS of practice so I don’t make a fool out of you, which will likely happen anyway. You’ve been warned!

  Fan-Fucking-Tastic! I’m a lucky-ass guy! This girl hasn’t let me down yet!

  Me: Sweetheart, you could never make me look foolish! I’m on my way up. See you in a few! BTW…THANKS and I meant it when I said, name your price, deed or favor!

  I grab my Martin case and bolt to end of the hall. I take the stairs, since I only have to go down one flight. When I reach her door, I knock once before Kelsey opens up.

  “Well, good morning, early riser! I hear you’re taking our girl to a snazzy wedding tonight. Thanks for the heads up. If you would’ve told us before, we could’ve acquired more appropriate wedding attire.”

  I reach for my cellphone dialing Josh, my assistant. I briefly instruct him to make arrangements for the ladies to shop on my account anywhere they’d like. I have Kelsey relay her cell phone number to Josh then reach into my wallet and hand over my black Amex to Kelsey, flippantly telling her, “Go buy her whatever she would want. Pamper her. Her coming to this wedding with me is the best news I’ve had in years. Buy her whatever will make her happy to be there. Josh will make arrangements for you. Be sure to call him if you need anything.” I’ve learned over the years that giving a chic a credit card and telling her to buy whatever she wants makes them go a bit starry eyed, just like Kelsey is doing now.

  “Eeeeeekkkk! Whit, Cami, let’s go. We have some shopping to do to get our girl ready for her ball tonight,” she says, mock dancing and twirling around.

  Alexis looks at me with concern pooling in her eyes and…anger. Those emotions are quickly gone and replaced with feisty.

  “ABSOLUTELY NOT! Kels, give him back that card, right now! I can buy my own clothes,” she says, reaching for her purse and snatching out her wallet. “Here, take my credit card and get me a nice dress that I can perform in, and shoes that I’ll be able to stand in.”

  Kelsey looks from me to Alexis and shrugs, ignoring Lex’s nasty snarl and tone. Kelsey, Cami, and Whit blow kisses toward Alexis and say their goodbyes without taking her credit card. I’m thrilled that I get to spoil this little lady. I’ve never wanted to spend my money on a dress and shoes before, but damn if this doesn’t feel great!

  I walk past Lex to sit in the chair in the corner with my guitar case. She’s scowling at me, not nearly as happy as I am about me buying her a dress. She may be the only girl I’ve met who didn’t want me to buy her anything. She didn’t even want me picking up the tab at the bar last night. She knows how much money I make, and that I can afford to splurge on her a little.

  She’s frustrated and giving me this adorable little dirty
scowl. I know she’s trying to intimidate me, but damn if she’s not making my cock twitch. She’s failing miserably at staying mad. She’s too damn cute for her own good. So, I just sit and smile at her. I can wait this out. I know she can’t stay mad. I’ve smiled more in the last twelve hours than I have in the last twelve days. She’s the only one I want right now, so I’ll take her happy, mad, frustrated, content, or any other way! I start playing the chords to the song and she finally relents.

  “Garrett, you and I are going to come to some agreements. Got it?” she says, as I laugh. She’s just throwing a little fit because she didn’t win the argument of who’s paying for the dress. That’s okay. She can throw as big a fit as she wants, as long as she wears the dress I pay for.

  “Whatever you say, lady,” I tell her. Knowing the bell for end of the round has been rung and my arm is held high!

  We start rehearsing the song we’re singing at the wedding tonight. I feel pretty confident in her ability to wing it, but if this makes her more comfortable, and allows me more time in the same room with her, I’ll do whatever she wants. We sing in perfect harmony. I knew we would. Her voice is very well suited to the song. I think she could probably sing anything she wanted. She’s quite talented, but has no interest in pursuing music as a career. She never has.

  Watching her sing to Sierra this morning just about brought me to my knees. The look on her face was one of great joy. You could hear so much love and pride in her voice. She would do anything for her child, and I suspect becoming a single parent hasn’t been easy. She is strong, though. I’m not sure there is much in this world she can’t overcome.

  I overheard her talking to her brother about having to go to another parent/teacher conference alone. I wish she didn’t have another hurdle to overcome. It’s not like she’s led a charmed life. She’s always had struggles, but I’ve never heard her complain about them or make excuses because of them. Damn Jed, I didn’t want him to have Alexis all those years ago, but he got her, and now I’m pissed at him for not being here to go to that conference and hold her hand. Great, now I’m putting my frustrations on her dead husband. I’m an ass!

  We sing together for a little while, and talk a lot about music. She still enjoys talking about music. She asks about my career, my writing, and touring. She’s under the impression that all artists love the fame, and is quite surprised when I tell her that’s my least favorite part of the job. If I could make music, perform, and have people leave me alone off stage, I would be so happy. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the fans. I do, I love them, I just don’t like the stalking and lack of privacy. I miss being able to sit in a restaurant, or take a walk in the park, without constantly looking over my shoulder for who’s snapping photos and what they’ll say when they’re posted online. The rumors are torture.

  I heard Alexis talk to Sierra about going to Disney World. Will I ever have a life where doing something so public is possible? I haven’t been to Disney in years. I guess I didn’t know I wanted to go until I found out Alexis would be going with Sierra. Now, I want to go really bad, too.

  Alexis thinks all my dreams have come true because I’m doing what I always strived for all those years. But I’m thirty-two, I want a family, I want my house to have handprints on the walls, and my swimming pool to be full of toys. I want to watch my kids hang on the fences as they watch horses in the pasture. I’m not sure any of those dreams will ever happen. Who would want to be part of a life where I can’t take them anywhere? Living a very public life is hard.

  Chapter 6

  The girls are back from their shopping adventure. Although, I’m still pissed that they didn’t take my card and are walking in the door with bags and bags of crap. It was nice spending time with Garrett talking about music, life, and everything in between.

  “Seriously, I’m going to a wedding, not freaking getting married! What the hell is all that?” I ask as they walk into the room with huge smiles, completely ignoring me. Kelsey walks to Garrett and tells him he needs to get lost for a few hours. She returns his credit card, letting him know she did some real damage. He laughs, replying, “Glad to hear it!” Real damage…shit! What in the world are those idiot best friends of mine thinking? I know what I’m thinking. I’m going to kill them all with very little remorse! UGH…

  He walks over to me, and bends to kiss my cheek. I feel the stampede again. “Don’t be mad, sweetheart. They want to spoil you and take care of you as much as I do. Humor us for a minute, okay?”

  Okay, let me say when he looks at me like that, I think I’d agree to anything he wants. I lift my arms and wrap them around his shoulders, giving him a tight squeeze, before willing myself not to stay there too long. Embracing him is so comfortable it takes all I have not climb up his body and hoist myself into his arm. “Garrett, thank you for whatever’s in those bags,” I say, trying to appear nonchalant, “but mostly, thank you for hanging out with me all day instead of the other more important people you need to spend time with.” He sacrificed his day to be with me, and although, I do feel a bit guilty, I really am grateful. Today I forgot how hard the last eighteen months have been. I remembered myself, my hobbies, my friends. I saw more than just a glimmer of the old Alexis. She was here…front and center, hanging out. It was a great day!

  After Garrett leaves, I not so successfully chastise my best friends for taking advantage of Garrett’s generosity and buying out Nordstrom. They must have spent thousands of dollars. There are multiple dresses, shoes, outfits, handbags, and all kinds of cosmetics. I don’t even wear much makeup, only a little gloss and some eye shadow. Ugh, these girls are going to be the death of me.

  It doesn’t take long for me to get ready. If I must say, the girls chose the perfect lace, fitted and flared, sleeveless dress in taupe with a black velvet belt around the waist by Adrianna Papell. They bought a pair of Jimmy Choo wedge pumps in black. My hair is in soft curls, tied low, and draped over my shoulder with a beaded hair accessory. It’s all beautiful, comfortable, and I feel very pretty in it. It’s me, not too dressy, but girly and fun.

  I make sure to call Sierra before leaving, since I’m not really sure when I’ll have a few minutes to talk to her later. I promised I would call. I’ll never break a promise to her.

  Garrett knocks on the door to escort me down to the wedding ceremony, which is being held on the beach, while I’m still trying to calm myself in the bedroom. I’m really nervous. I’m not completely sure why, but part of me knows that I don’t come close to measuring up to the actresses and models I’ve seen him with in magazines. I’m not sure it matters. It’s not like he wants me beside him as anything more than a friend from the past. He’s definitely not charting a course to get in bed with me. I’d never compare in that way.

  I walk out to the entry room where Kelsey and Cami are chatting with him about the events of the evening. Whit takes my arm and whispers in my ear, “Whatever happens tonight let it be. Don’t try to evade feelings and emotions you know you can’t avoid.”

  I look to her and stop and whisper, “What are you talking about, Whitney?” What does she see? It’s obviously clear to her, yet not at all to me.

  “Sweets, that man is all wrapped up in you, and you deserve to be happy and treated like a princess. Try not to overthink this. You have a tendency to self-destruct when you’re scared.”

  Wrapped up in me? Doubtful. He needed a date. I happened to be here. We like talking and hanging out, but this is a friendly thing. I’m not sure my brain could handle if it were more, but my body is another story. It warms at the sight of him.

  I walk over to Garrett, who looks at me with those beautiful gray eyes that light up the room when he smiles. “Look at you, beautiful girl. Wow. I guess I won’t have to be worried at cameras pointing at me tonight.” He says. The girls all laugh.

  “You like, Garrett? Money well spent?” Cami asks, knowing he approves from the look on his face.

  “Ladies, I’m pretty sure a hefty sack would look like a red
carpet gown on this beautiful girl. Thanks for taking care of her today while she and I spent some time catching up,” he says to the girls, as he takes my hand and escorts me from the room.

  While walking down the hall toward the elevators, he looks over his shoulder to verify we’re alone. Then he sweeps me into a little hall off to side. “Lex, I can’t wait, not another minute. You’re beautiful and these lips…” he says, running the tip of his finger around the edge of my bottom lip as I’m pressed against the wall by his hips. “I’m going to kiss you now. Any objections?” he asks. But my voice box is broken. I can’t muster any words. So after several seconds he says, “I take that as acceptance.” And he launches an assault on my lips. It’s aggressive and fiery, but precious and tender at the same time. My body comes alive. Like it’s been comatose for years and is finally waking up. He’s makes me feel like a real woman, a little bit strong and more myself by the minute.

  When he finally releases me from his captivating kiss, he brushes his finger down my face and looks me directly in the eye. “Lex, you’re amazing, but if I don’t put a little space between us for a second, I’m not sure we’ll make it to this wedding.” But he hasn’t stepped away. I’m still pressed firmly between his hips and the wall.

  “Okay, that starts with taking a step back.” He does, but groans under his breath as he retreats. He takes my hand in his, kissing it, and we walk hand in hand toward the beach.

  The ceremony was beautiful. Garrett’s family has been very nice and accommodating. His parents seem a bit over zealous, but it’s apparent their only child is the love of their lives. They ask a lot of questions about Sierra and me in a conversational way, not interrogating. I can tell they’re genuinely interested.

  When we finally make it through the crowds of people waiting to say hello to Garrett, we go directly to the banquet room. Garrett and I are singing the song for the first dance, then we can enjoy the rest of the party with the other attendees. Although, I’d rather be alone with him. After that kiss, the one I knew I wanted, but hadn’t imagined how amazing it would actually feel, I can’t wait to be alone with him again.