Indulge

by Liv Morris

  We’re heading to the zoo today, and then to visit Courtney, Drew, and baby Gabe in the hospital. They’re all doing great from what I hear. Drew completely flipped when Court’s water broke. Now he’s acting all crazy about leaving them in a week. But he’ll be flying home every other day for a few hours. It’s going to make a really shitty three weeks for him before we have a break, but I’m not sure I’d do anything differently than he is. I’m already trying to figure out how I can skip away for a few days, too, but it’s a little more challenging for me, since I have more responsibility for the band than Drew.

  Sierra is so much fun. She loves music, I think as much as I do, so touring Music City this week has kept her interested. We’ve also done a lot of kid stuff.

  She’s a great kid. Even though, I’m not her dad, and I would never want to take his place, I really like being whatever it is I am to her. I don’t really know what name to put on it, yet. I’m still working on that. I don’t want to discount the major role Jed had in the lives of these two. He was a good guy and he took great care of these girls. I can guarantee Alexis and Sierra were the best things to ever happen to him, because they damn sure are the best things to happen to me. But he's gone now, and he died a damn lucky man! I’m here, and willing and able to do whatever it takes to make them the happiest girls who could ever walk this earth.

  We’re walking through the zoo. I’m wearing my hat low and tying to be careful about being noticed. We’re blending in pretty well. The security team is following closely behind us, but attempting not to interfere, unless it becomes necessary.

  I’m standing behind Lex with her back pressed up against me. We’re watching Sierra and Dan, our lead security guy, feeding the animals in a petting zoo. Sierra asked Dan to go in with her. She’s so friendly with everyone she meets. The guys all seem to be taken with her too.

  “Garrett, what's your type? I've never really seen you with anyone more than once. It's hard to tell if I fit into your perfect picture.” My precious girl says, breaking me from my thoughts. Charles told her she wasn’t my type. I heard him say it, but I didn’t want the altercation to upset Sierra, so I had to quickly distract her before running to get that asshole away from Lex.

  I knew she couldn’t really be okay with it all that he said. I spin her around and pull her chin up, so that she’s looking me in the eye. “You, sweetheart! Your lips are the only ‘type’ I want to kiss. This hot little bottom is the only one I want to squeeze. You, baby, you’re my only ’type’ and the most perfect picture I could ever imagine!” It’s true. I’ve never had a type until now.

  She’s smiling. “Right answer!” I kiss her, trying not to let it go too far, because it would suck to walk around the zoo at half-mast all day. Damn, I can never get enough of her.

  “Garrett, do you think we can go back to your place after this and let Sierra nap for a bit? She’s really off her routine, and it’s going to be torture next week if we don’t try and find some balance.”

  I squeeze her ass before kissing her again. “Abso-Fucking-Lutely. I need a nap, too,” I say, winking at her and she laughs.

  “Sleep sounds great!” she says to me.

  “NOT a sleeping nap, lady.”

  “That’s what I want,” she exaggerates with a yawn and a stretch, “aaahhh…I’m soo sleepy!”

  She’s such a little tease, and she knows it. I look around for a place to escape to privately, so I can show her how much she doesn’t want to sleep. I see a door with ‘employees only’ written on it. “Don’t tease me baby. I’ll take your little ass into that room and do very dirty things to you,” I playfully threaten.

  She shakes her head. “No way, Garrett! Hands off until we’re home. I don’t want that shit online,” she says, hitting me upside the head. I laugh at her, but my heart is jumping through my damn brain. She just said until we get home. Is she referring to my house as home? Fantastic! I love it. Yep, it’s home. Our home. We need to make it so.

  Courtney and Drew were over the moon happy when we arrive at the hospital that evening. It’s a miracle, really. I’ve watched Courtney’s stomach grow for months, knowing there was a baby in there. But then to walk in this room and see the basketball under her shirt deflated, and this little human in her arms…damn, it made me want something I never thought I would. I want to talk to Lex about kids. I need to find out if this is in her plans or not. I’ll take her either way, but I’d do almost anything to have a baby with her.

  “Garrett, where do babies come from?” Sierra, who’s in my arms, asks me while Lex holds baby Gabe and talks with Court.

  I’m stunned at first. I’m not sure how I should answer, but while I’m looking around the room it comes to me, “Oh…Princess…it’s a miracle really…babies come from love – a whole lot of love. Look around this room. Can you feel it?” I ask her.

  She looks around then back to me, “Yes, and that’s how little babies grow too…lots of love,” she says. What a wise little person. So much like her sweet mama. “Yes, baby girl, you are correct. You’re loved so much that you’ll surely be grown up in no time!”

  Sierra falls asleep in my arms, as we’re all hanging out and talking in the hospital room. She’s had a busy day. Her nap was far too short and she’s exhausted her little self. I’m thinking about the far too short nap time that I had with Lex today, and I grin to myself. There’s never enough time for that. Lex looks over at us sitting on the couch. She’s got the baby in her arms again. Apparently she loves babies, which happens to be great news for me.

  “Garrett, I think it’s time to take your little princess home.” There’s that word again. Damn, I love it! I grin and stand, putting Sierra on my shoulder. Her little thumb finds her lips as usual.

  We’re walking out of the hospital, and I’m thinking about what our life together might look like. It’s amazing to picture these things. Alexis and Sierra are perfect. They make me feel like a real man. I like feeling like this.

  “What are you thinking about?” she asks when we get settled in the car.

  I turn to her, “Sweetheart, after spending the last several weeks with you, I want to write songs I didn't know I had the words or emotions to write. I want to sing about love, butterflies, and all that shit. Please, let me always love you. Let me feel what everyone has told me about all these years. Being with you makes me feel like a real man. And I fucking love it!” I say to her, and she climbs over the center console into my lap and kisses me with everything she’s got.

  “You are a real man, Garrett. I have to remind myself of that sometimes too. You are a dream come true for me. The crazy fangirls scare me, because I don’t want you to decide any of those chicks are easier to love. I’m trying so hard to not let my fears tear us apart. I know you’re a faithful man. You wouldn’t do anything to hurt us…right?”

  I take her face into my hands, “Never, lady! I don’t want anyone else. Ever! Just you…always you!” She kisses me again and then squeezes the shit out of my neck. But I don’t complain.

  The week has flown by. We’re headed back to Tampa tomorrow. Lex is feeling anxious about getting chores done before they roll into their normal routine next week. She’s a bit on edge because of it. I have to leave in three days, but I’ll fly out of Tampa and meet the bus at the first stop. I’m feeling more and more melancholic by the day just thinking about leaving. I’m going to hate this. I already hate being away from them.

  We have a four day break after three weeks of touring and I’ll see them then, but those three weeks will be torture! We’ve uploaded the video chat app to all the computers, but that can’t possibly be enough.

  Whitney has planned a girl’s night for the day after I leave. I think Whit did it knowing Lex would need something to keep her distracted from me being away. There are two more weeks of school left for Sierra, and then she’ll be home for summer vacation, although Lex is planning on sending her to camp with Jason and Kate’s kids.

  Lex has been in a funk for a few days.
She’s not feeling well and she’s a shitty patient. She won’t let me take care of her at all. She won’t even tell me her symptoms. She’s going to the doctor’s this afternoon. I’m taking Sierra over to Mom and Dad’s for lunch and to swim. Lex says she’ll just meet us there after her appointment.

  Chapter 28

  We’re home and I feel like complete garbage. I know this feeling and this is really bad. I’m not sure how it could have happened, since I have the implant. I have an appointment later today to see my OB/GYN. I can’t put this on Garrett. I’ve already done enough damage to his tour by hitting his longtime tour manager and getting the man fired. I can’t possibly tell Garrett that I’m pregnant now. I’ll have to keep this under wraps for the next few weeks.

  Thankfully, Garrett’s taking Sierra to his parent’s house for a little visit this afternoon. That’ll give me some time to figure out a plan.

  I’m waiting in the exam room after I’ve submitted my urine sample when Dr. Daniel’s comes in. “Alexis, it’s so great to see you! I see you’re already glowing.” Was that recognition of the positive pregnancy that I’m already aware of? “Looks like you’re expecting, again. This is great news, I hope.” Yes, I hope so, too.

  I put on my fake happy face and say, “Of course, the best kind.” It is great news…just not great timing. I’ve wanted another baby for quite some time, but I wanted to be married and have a real family. “Dr. Daniels, I’m confused, though. I still have the implant.

  “Yes, you do, but it’s only effective for three years and you’ve had it for almost four years now.” Shit! He’s right. I thought I was protected. I would have been had I done the damn math. I guess I lost count when sex wasn’t really happening, and I forgot to reassess when Garrett and I happened.

  Dr. Daniels pulls the sonogram machine over to me. “Let’s see if we can get some pictures for you.” I see the screen flick to life with the greys and whites. Then my doctor points to the tiny bubble with another confirmation of the tiny life inside me. I’m so deeply moved. This is happy news…for me. I hope that one day soon I’ll be able to tell Garrett and he’ll think it’s happy, too.

  Dr. Daniels tells me I’m about five weeks along and gives me several sonogram photos to keep. I take all my prescriptions for vitamins and head off toward home, stopping at the pharmacy on the way.

  I have to be strong, and not tell Garrett during the next couple days before he leaves. I’m not convinced this news won’t make him feel trapped. I don’t want him to think I did this on purpose. I realize how this could look to others, but it was never my intention.

  I’m not ready to be with company, so I’ll make up an excuse to buy myself a little more alone time. I text Garrett.

  Me: Hi, it’s just a virus. Should be better in a few days. I’m going to head home and rest while the house is quite. Give my love to your parents and I’ll see you and Sierra later.

  He responds almost immediately. Which makes my guilt even worse.

  Garrett: Good baby, go home and rest up. My mom is making you some chicken soup as we speak and Sierra is playing checkers with dad. I’ll be home to take care of you later. I love you.

  I know he won’t want to sleep anywhere else, but I should at least offer him the option of not catching my so called virus. And maybe if he stays at his parents, he won’t be around when I likely puke tomorrow morning.

  Me: Garrett, it may be better for you to sleep there, so that you don’t catch this bug before your tour.

  Garrett: NO Alexis…I’m coming home to take care of you. If I get sick that’ll be good news. Then I can stay with you longer. ;)

  If he only knew that wasn’t going to happen. I wonder how he’d feel if he knew the truth? He’d be running for the hills, I’m sure.

  I’m home and I go up to my room to take a nice long bath. I need to plan how I can tell Garrett without making him feel like I’ve just imprisoned him.

  I lay in the warmth of the water and suds. No wonder my emotions have been going haywire the last few weeks. Things are starting to become clearer. The smell of the bacon last week, my tears, and extra anxiety…I get it.

  I’m not sad, I’m actually really happy, just worried about the repercussions where Garrett is concerned. I’ve been a single parent long enough to know how challenging it can be. Even when Jed was alive, he still traveled so often that I was on my own a lot in the beginning. It’s okay. I know I’ll be okay. If this is all too much for Garrett, I’ll handle it. I’d never force him into co-parenting. He can be as big a part of our life as he chooses. But I won’t tell him until the tour is over.

  I relax letting my mind wander off, thinking about what our life could be like if Garrett knew what was growing inside me. If he wasn’t ‘The Garrett McKenna’ and just ‘My Garrett McKenna’, things would be easier. I see him as a proud daddy, loving us all and not loving this little person any more or less than my own little Sierra. He’d still be her special guy.

  I feel someone rubbing my cheek and kissing my head. I realize it’s him as I come awake. “Hello, beautiful girl, you’re sleeping in the tub. Let me help you out of this cold water, before you give yourself a cold to go with your virus.” The water is now room temp. I must have been sleeping for a while. My fingers are wrinkled and white.

  Garrett removes his shirt and then lifts me out of the tub. I see that it’s dark outside when we enter the bedroom. He lays me on the bed and goes to my wardrobe to get my tank and boy shorts. He dresses me, tucks me under the covers, then strips down to his boxers and climbs into bed behind me. He rests his hand on my stomach, pulling me in snuggly to him. That simple movement fills me with so much longing. I desperately want to share this joy with him, but I know it’s not possible, not yet. So I keep quiet but vow to remember the feeling of his hand on my stomach in case it doesn’t ever happen again.

  Chapter 29

  I leave tomorrow and Lex is still sick. She threw up almost immediately after she woke up this morning. She’s not really eating much and I’m worried about leaving her. I’ve called her brother. He’s says he’ll keep an eye on her and Sierra after I leave tomorrow, and he can always watch Sierra if Lex needs a few days to get over whatever this is. I started to postpone the first few dates on the tour, but she overheard my conversation and squashed that with one of her adorable temper tantrums. God, I love her.

  “Sweetheart, what do you feel up to doing today?” I ask her. I don’t really care what we do as long as I don’t have to be away from her at all.

  “Anything you want. I’m happy just to stay here and have a family day. We can swim, watch a movie, and play games. I don’t really care,” she says.

  I’ve already packed all my stuff, so we can do all those things. I love creating these memories. I want to leave knowing we did make memories. I love family time.

  Lex looks like she feels better as the day has gone on, she’s just a bit tired and needing a little extra sleep, but she’s been able to keep a little food down this afternoon. So I’m starting to feel a little more relaxed. I’m not comfortable leaving her, though. Truth be known, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving her if she were well. But I’m as okay about it as I can possibly get at this point.

  She keeps saying how much she’ll miss me. I love it and hate it at the same time. My lady is going to be sick of talking to me when I’m on the road. I’m upping our daily calls to the start of the day, before lunch, after school for Sierra, before Sierra’s bedtime, and then end of the day at Lex’s bedtime. I’m not sure if she’s going to go for it, but I figure I’ll just do it anyway.

  Chapter 30

  He’s leaving this morning. I’m driving him to the airport. Sierra is sad he’s leaving, but he’s promised he’ll talk to her every morning and evening. He printed her off a calendar, so she can mark the days until he comes back. She’s really going to miss him. We pull up to the plane. He looks at me, but says nothing before he gets out of the driver’s seat of my Jeep and climbs into the back to hug and kiss Sie
rra, again. After their goodbye she focuses on watching a movie on the iPad, while I say goodbye to Garrett.

  I get out, too, and walk around to driver’s side. He has his bags in his hands and he walks them over to stairs in front of the plane before turning to me. His eyes are glassy.

  It’s taken everything I have not to tell him my secret this morning. I want him to stay so badly. But telling him now would be trapping him. It’s unfair. I need to wait. If he stayed, I’d want him to do it because Sierra and I were enough for him.

  I know I’m seconds away from losing my emotional hold. I don’t want to send him off with me crying and begging, but I have to tell him how I feel.

  “Garrett, when you left me all those years ago for Nashville, I was sad. I missed my friend. But now, my whole being is wrapped up in you. You've made me desperate for your touch and your sweet words. Leaving us now is torture. Sierra and I need you here with us every day. We love you sooo much, Garrett. If you get on this plane, I can't promise her or myself you'll ever come back. Garret, my heart is breaking here! Please, don't go!” I cry out with tears spilling down my face. I’m scared to death. What if he doesn’t come back? What if something happens to his plane? What if he meets someone on tour that’s better suited or prettier than me? What if he finds out what I’m hiding and never comes back because he’ll be so mad?

  “Oh, sweetheart, nothing in this world could keep me from coming back to you girls. Alexis, I’ll see you in three weeks and I’ll talk to you every day, baby, so often that you’ll be sick of me. When this damn tour is over, though, we're changing your name! I don't ever want to live without you and Sierra again. Be ready, baby. I’m giving you some time to wrap your cute little head around it. You girls are mine and this is going to be happening very soon. I love you more than anything, sweetheart!