Indulge

by Liv Morris

  I get my clothes and start putting on my pants and shirt. Just as I am about to button my shirt, Audrina comes to me and pushes my hands away. “Here, let me.” She finishes buttoning my shirt and looks at me. “Jacob,” she starts to say, “When are you going to open your eyes?”

  I take her hands and place my finger under her chin. There are tears in her eyes. Fuck. Again? “Audrina, you know I can’t love you. I can’t give you my heart. I can shower you with gifts. Have you traveled the world? I help you with your career, but that’s it.” I give her a kiss on her forehead and head out of her hotel room without feeling anything but regret.

  Chapter 2

  Abigail

  “You selfish bitch!” Her hands touch my chest. She pushes me. Hard. “Do you know what you’ve done to my family?”

  I put up my hands. “Can you please just listen to me? I did not try and sleep with your dad! He told me to get an abortion and since I wouldn’t, he offered me the check for a million and to get out of town. I wanted to take you and Ryan with me. Please, you have to believe me!” I touched my stomach and thought about my six-week-old baby. God I need to get you out of here Peanut.

  She points her finger to my chest. “Don’t you dare try and make my family look bad Abigail!” The tears fall from her eyes. I hopelessly look at my best friend.

  We grew up together and were best friends. Every memory I had was with her. I needed her more than ever and I didn’t get why she didn’t believe me?

  “You need to leave Abigail. Just. Go.”

  “Wait,” I grab her arm. “Don’t you want to be in your niece or nephew’s life?”

  I think I see a glimmer in her eye but that quickly goes away. Dark shadows take over her eyes and they’re full of hatred. She spits at my feet and looks at me, “You’re both dead to me Abigail. Get the hell out of here and my life. Do not ever come back to California.”

  “NO!” I wake up with sweat all over my face and body. I throw the blanket off my body and grab the glass of water on my nightstand and take a drink. I rub my face with my hands and let out a sigh. These dreams of Katherine kill me. I miss her every day. Losing your best friend is never easy and all I feel is guilt and regret. I wish things weren’t like this. I wipe a tear rolling down from my eye as I think about her and how she’ll never know her nephew and breathe another day.

  Starting life over in Columbia was hard and I was scared. Being pregnant and alone were the hardest times of my life. I didn’t have any friends and was on my own. My parents wanted me to come live with them back in Florida but moving back was too hard. I needed to face this journey on my own. I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me and no one from my past would be able to find me. Luckily my baby sister, Heather, moved down here from New York City and helped me with my pregnancy.

  I thought with Heather being with me it would make life easier but I still felt alone. There were so many times when I thought about aborting my pregnancy. I didn’t want any part of Ryan in or around me. The pain I felt was powerful and undeserving. It was as if a thief came into my life and stole everything I loved, but when I had my first ultrasound and heard my Peanut’s strong heart beating, all the fear slipped away. I promised my baby that I was going to love him/her forever and I wouldn’t let anything happen. I changed my mind that day and decided to keep my Peanut. My Peanut gave me meaning to life.

  When the hospital asked about the father, all I could do was cry. I missed Ryan so much but he never came looking for me. Katherine never called or texted me either, it was as if I never existed. I thought about calling Ryan so many times and sending him a picture of our Peanut but I never managed to do that. It broke my heart knowing Ryan would never be part of our child’s life. He was everything to me and the only man I ever loved. I gave him everything, my heart and soul but he threw me away as if I were garbage. I lost everything with one quick move and was forced to leave my life and had to start over. I guess it was true what they said about love; if you let it go and it doesn’t come back then it wasn’t meant to be.

  As the months passed and I felt my Peanut kicking and moving, I knew I made the right decision to keep him. The night my water broke, I was rushed to the hospital and Heather held my hand through it all. After twelve hours of very painful labor, my Peanut’s cries filled the hospital room. I fell back on the bed and cried when I heard his voice. It was music to my ears and my heart filled with so much love and longing. I was going to live my life for me and my son because he deserved to know what it meant to be loved and wanted. He would never know what it felt like to be abandoned.

  I asked the nurses if he was okay and if I could hold him in my arms. He was here; the love of my life was finally here. Life changed when I held my Peanut in my arms; seven pounds, three ounces, my baby boy. Lucas Michael Anderson. He was my life and my light. I promised him from the day he was born he would always be my number one. That was almost six years ago.

  “Mama! Mama!” Lucas comes rushing through the door and jumps on my bed. “Mama. Hi!”

  I bring him in my arms and give him kisses all over his precious face. “Hi baby boy.” His blonde hair is all over the place and I smile when he rests his head on my chest. “What do you want to do today sweetie?”

  He snuggles in my arms and flutters his pretty little eyes at me. “I want to spend time with you, mama.” I lie back down in bed and sing a little song to my number one.

  You are my shining star.

  The only one who brings light to my eyes.

  This life is better with you by my side.

  Because you get me through the storm and shine your light.

  “Mama I love when you sing to me.” He kisses my cheek and we snuggle in bed for a little longer.

  After lying in bed for over an hour, I check the clock and see it’s nine in the morning. “Okay baby boy, let’s go get some breakfast!”

  Today Lucas and I have off from school due to a random vacation our principal threw in since we never shut down for a snow day. Monday mornings are always a drag anyways so it’s nice to get up whenever we want. Being a second grade teacher can be tiresome sometimes. I love teaching in the same school Lucas attends, and he refers to me as the “cool mom” but hopefully that feeling stays. My little kindergartner is a handful but he’s mine.

  Gray eyes look up at me and my heart breaks. I hold it together so I don’t cry in front of him. It kills me to know that my son is almost six years old and he still has no idea who his father is. Those eyes haunt me. He has Ryan’s eyes.

  Ryan.

  The last few years are a blur. Lucas is my life and I wouldn’t trade him for anything or anyone, but my mind wanders to Ryan. He’s in my heart and on my mind. There are times that I want to do anything I can to find him, but I stop myself. He’s made it clear that I’m nothing to him. I still think about him sometimes and wonder what he’s doing. It’s been over six years since we talked, but my heart still aches for him and our little boy he will never get to know. Lucas asks about Ryan, but I tell him his daddy is away and can’t come back. Lucas accepts the answer. For now.

  “Mama, can I please have chocolate chip pancakes, bacon and sausage and milk?” He stands in front of me flashing his beautiful smile.

  I place my lips on his forehead, “Anything else sweetie?”

  He thinks for a minute before answering. “No thanks Mama.”

  “Alright go play.” I watch him run to the living room and turn on the television. I get everything I need to make this favorite breakfast of his opening the steel refrigerator and grabbing the necessary ingredients – milk, butter, eggs, sausage and bacon. I place everything on the counter and go to the pantry for the chocolate chips and dry ingredients for the pancakes. Once it is all out in front of me, I mix together the dry ingredients while peeking out over the island, and see Lucas sitting on the couch watching his favorite cartoons. Pulling out the griddle I start cooking our fabulous breakfast.

  These are the moments that I live for; spending ti
me with Lucas and hearing his laugh. It’s hard to believe that he’s here with me. The day I found out I was pregnant is, hands down, the best day of my life. Even if I did it alone, without Ryan, I wouldn’t change it if I had the chance. Being a parent changes you. Your child is your life and you’d do anything to make them happy and ensure their safety. I’m lucky. Lucas isn’t bad and hardly throws temper tantrums. I know I’m being bias, but Ryan really is the best.

  “Bullshit!” I hear the door slam.

  “Heather?” I yell out. “Language please!” Heather comes into the kitchen and sets her bag down. She looks like hell. Her eyes are red and blotchy. She has no makeup on and I swear I smell whiskey. “Heather?”

  “He fired me Abigail,” she slowly says. The defeat in her tone kills me. I knew that working for the big Jacob Greene would break her. He’s known for his asshole tendencies and playboy ways. Every image on the internet shows him with a different woman every month. He’s an asshat manwhore and he makes me sick. I have no idea what women saw in him. Ugh. I don’t even know the man and would never want to.

  I quickly finish cooking breakfast and prepare our plates. “I’m sorry Heather. How are you doing?”

  “What do you think? He gave me three months pay until I find something else but what else can I do?”

  “Everything happens for a reason.” I touch her shoulder and watch as she places her head on the table.

  “You always say that!”

  I watch the internal struggle and pain that seems to be consuming her. She’s trying to keep it together and not lose her mind but the look in her eyes tells me she’s confused and broken. I give her a kiss on her head. “Because it’s true. Now go wash up. Change into something comfortable and come eat breakfast with us.”

  We all sit at the table as Lucas explains what he wants to do today. “Mama! Aunt Heather! Can we please do something today?”

  I cut the pancake before taking a bite, “Sweetie it’s going to rain today and tomorrow you have school. Let’s get some homework done.”

  “I can help him A,” Heather chimes in with a mouth full of pancake and bacon. “Don’t you have a hot lunch date or something?”

  “Had.” I stop eating and look down. Dating and I didn’t get along. I can’t find anyone in this town. Either someone is married, gay or attached. All the teachers at my school aren’t for me. I’m turning twenty-eight this year and have only been with one guy. How is that even possible? Heather tries to set me up with dates but no one wants to date a single mother of one. I admit I’m lonely and wish I can find someone. I tried the whole online dating thing, which side note I’ll never do again. It works for many, but not this woman. Is it impossible to find a sweet, sexy and romantic guy? Have they all been snatched up and replaced with creepers?

  I see Heather looking back at me, waiting for an answer. “When I mentioned Lucas, he decided to be sick and cancel.”

  “Well sucks to be him then,” Heather exclaims. “Don’t worry A, you’ll find him soon,” she grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze.

  “I hope so.”

  “Hey,” she starts to say, touching my arm. “You’ll find someone soon Abigail.”

  I shake my head and look away from her. “I um. I’m fine, trust me.”

  Heather plays with her food. “Have you tried looking up Ryan’s information?”

  Heather doesn’t know my struggles with Ryan. I can’t do it. I can’t know what he’s doing or see his new life. As much as I want to tell him about his son and see him again a part of me can never go through with the plan. It’s not fair that Lucas is living without knowing Ryan and he deserves to know the truth. I do still love him and I know it’s not his fault, but he should’ve tried to look for his son and me. I spent so many years trying to find him but it was useless. Ryan isn’t anywhere to be found. His number changed and I can’t call his parents; they hate me and they don’t deserve to know about Lucas, their grandson.

  “No,” I shake my head, eating my pancakes. “I’m giving up.” My voice starts breaking and I put down my fork. It’s easier said than done but I need to move on. I can’t keep wishing Ryan will find us and we’ll be a family. I need to move on with my life and stop living in the fantasy world. If Ryan wants us then the balls in his court, but it’s been so long. Why am I holding on? The pain of feeling alone consumes me. I have Lucas and Heather, whom I love, but it doesn’t ease that specific pain. The one only a man can satisfy.

  She brings me in for a hug as I let out a heavy sigh. One day it’ll be easier to say his name without falling apart. After a few minutes, I wipe my tears and we begin to gather the dishes and clean up. I need to keep busy so my mind doesn’t wander to my lonely life. When everything’s done I figure a run is in order. I need to get out of the house.

  Heather agrees to stay with Lucas so I can go out for a run. It feels good to be outside. I see couples with their children, laughing and smiling. I wave to them, but the feeling of loneliness eats away at me. I love being a mom and sister, but I miss that feeling of being in someone’s arms and the feel of being wanted. It seems as though single mothers aren’t on the radar of some men. I’m pretty, well at least I think so. I have a nice and curvy figure and I stay in shape. I don’t have a tight stomach, but I work hard to stay healthy.

  Ugh, what if I stay alone forever.

  I grimace at the thought and keep running. There’s someone out there for me. I know there is. There has to be. Sighing, I shake my head and just focus on my breathing. In one, two, three and out one, two, three.

  Yeah this isn’t working. I stop running and decide to walk. I hate this feeling of defeat. More couples laughing and smiling. I look at them and feel a surge of jealousy. I envy happy couples. I do not want to be alone. I fight the tears and turn up my music.

  I can make it through today. I have to for Lucas.

  As soon as I get home I collapse on the couch. Dear Lord that run was bad. I roll on my side and see all the toys spread out on the living room floor, “Lucas!” Little feet patter against the hardwood floor.

  “Mama? You okay?”

  “Baby, please clean up your toys,” I mumble trying my hardest not to move too fast. My body is on fire. How can I be this out of shape?

  “Okay,” he says quickly putting away his massive amounts of toys. Honestly how can a child have this many toys.

  Slowly I find the energy to get up and walk up the stairs to my bedroom to shower. When I pass my dresser I look at the picture of Lucas and me. Even though it’s us against the world I think we’re going to be okay.

  Chapter 3

  Jacob

  When I wake up from another sleepless night, I stare up at the ceiling and wonder about my life. Since losing Katherine, sleep doesn’t come easily to me. I’m lucky if I get four hours of sleep, but even that’s a challenge. The constant tossing and turning and waking up to see an empty side still breaks me. I don’t want to feel lonely, but I also can’t seem to move on and be with someone. The women in my life don’t deserve my heart or love. I’m damaged and fucked up. Who wants to love someone who can’t feel or give love? I forgot how to love because I hate myself for the man I am.

  During the years I’ve managed to be on my own, but it’s getting harder. Flashes of Katherine run through my mind as I think about her smile, her laugh and the way she would always show me how much she loved me. I see her around me as if she’s still here and it brings me peace knowing that she’s watching over me. She haunts my thoughts and holds on tight to my heart because I’m not ready to let go.

  Ignoring the quietness of the room, I turn over and look at the empty space next to me. Her smell isn’t there anymore, but I can’t seem to let her go. I rub my face and decide it’s time to get up and get ready for the day. I walk around my empty loft and feel the silence making its way into my heart and staying there. I touch the counter in the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. Everything reminds me of Katherine.

  She left me notes all over our lof
t telling me she loved me. Each morning, my coffee would be ready with sliced fruit in a bowl and the morning paper. Katherine always took care of me. Our love was magical and it brought us to places I never knew existed. Her kisses played in my mind. I missed her terribly and it was hard imagining how to move on and be happy. I used to be a good man, someone who cared about others. I was happy but losing Katherine took a large part of me.

  I go through my empty loft like a robot. Get up. Shower. Get ready. Pick out what to wear. Make coffee. Read the paper. Drink coffee. Leave for the day. This is how my life is. Sometimes there will be women in my life, but they don’t mean anything to me; they’re just bodies to keep me warm and satisfied. It’s not hard to get a woman in bed with me. Hell, sometimes I’d have two. I find that not only great sex can keep a woman happy, but jewelry as well.

  It’s two in the afternoon when I finish getting ready. Since it’ll be a day at the zoo, I pick out a green polo and dark jeans. I look at myself in the mirror and see Katherine sitting on our bed. She smiles at me, “I hope you have fun today, Jacob. Remember to smile and give Mila a hug for me.” She blows me a kiss and disappears.

  These visions of Katherine are getting stronger and vivid. What is she trying to tell me? I use to see her every so often, but now it’s nearly two or three times a week. No one knows that I see my dead girlfriend around the loft and a part of me wants to keep it that way.

  Hayden sends me a text to let me know the school’s been told I’ll be picking up Mila. Maybe spending the day with her will keep my mind off of Katherine and everything that’s going on. I text Gary and let him know he can take today off. I want to spend time one on one with Mila today. I take the keys to my black Audi from the counter and head out. The afternoon traffic is light in Columbia. My windows are down in my car allowing the spring air to flow through. I start to feel better as I look up at the clear blue sky. I come to the lights and make a right turn. I pull into the school parking lot and get out of the car. When I make my way to the office, I see the ladies smiling and looking at me. I flash them my smile and hear them giggling.