by Lyn Denison
Kat began to smile. She couldn’t help it. Jess had felt the same as she did.
Jess gave a soft moan. “Please, Kat. Don’t look at me like that. I have to talk to you before…I want you to know, well, how things are and have been with my life.”
“Nothing you could say would change how I feel about you, Jess,” Kat reassured her but Jess didn’t look convinced. Maybe Kat should simply kiss her. She desperately wanted to. But something told her Jess needed to talk.
“Last night.” Jess paused. “No, after Grace arrived, after that I was so completely knocked sideways I could barely function. As I said, I tried to keep away so I could get things into perspective.” She gave a crooked smile. “That plan didn’t work. And last night, afterwards, I knew I’d allowed everything to get so out of my control, I guess I panicked. When Miranda rang about the dog it gave me a reality check.” She looked down at her hands, “I freaked out and ran.”
“Jess, it doesn’t have to be so terrifying. I’d never do anything to upset your life or your family.”
“My family.” Jess gave a rueful laugh. “As you might have guessed I have an unconventional family. But it’s far more unconventional than you know.”
Kat remained silent. Did Jess mean she and Mark—?
“The night I came to dinner and rambled on about my life history I left a goodly part out. When I told you our story, Mark’s and Lucas’s and mine, I didn’t tell you everything about the three of us. There was more.
“As I told you, when we were young we were like siblings. And then we grew up. Mark and I stayed together as a couple because it was easier that way. Deep down I knew it was easier for me. I had no desire to go out with anyone else. I accepted Mark as my boyfriend because I thought that was what I had to do. And Mark was familiar and safe.”
Jess moved in her chair, brushed a strand of hair back behind her ear. “I did love Mark, but not the way I should have. The night before we got married I was so wound up I couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking it was all wrong, that I was making a mistake. We never slept together before we were married. I never pushed the issue and neither did Mark. That should have told me something, shouldn’t it?”
“With hindsight,” Kat said gently.
“All that night before the wedding I kept soul-searching, asking myself if it was what I really wanted. I kept telling myself it was. I wanted a home and a family. Mark came a poor third. Deep down I knew I should call it off, but I didn’t want to hurt Mark. So I went through with it.” She shook her head again. “Our wedding night was a fiasco for us both, but we persevered.” She looked across at Kat. “I was so unhappy. And so was Mark. I could see it, but I didn’t know how to change it. Then I was pregnant with Miranda and things sort of relaxed. For us both.”
Jess shook her head. “When Miranda was six months old I was at the gym and I met Leah. She was divorced, no kids, and quite open about being a lesbian. I was attracted to her. Long story short, we had an affair for three months. It made me come to terms with myself, why I couldn’t be in love with Mark. I felt so guilty, though, Kat. I felt like I was cheating everyone I loved. I saw it as finding myself and losing Mark, our family.
“Then Leah was transferred interstate. She wanted me to go with her. I didn’t. I don’t regret that because I knew we weren’t meant to be together, but on some level I do regret I didn’t explain to Mark how I felt sooner than I did.”
“It must have been really stressful for you.”
Jess nodded. “I felt as though there were two of me, living two separate lives. The public me, happily married. And the private me that no one knew existed, preferring women, too terrified to act on those feelings, bottling it all up inside me. Then I got pregnant again. Looking back I often wonder how Caleb came to be because our sex life, Mark’s and mine, was all but nonexistent. Mark worked long hours. I was at home with Miranda but doing the office work for Mark and his father.
“It all came crashing down the night Caleb was born. I was stressed and guilty and I went into labour early. I nearly lost Caleb, and I got it into my head it was all my fault, a punishment if you like, for who I was, what I’d done.”
Kat murmured sympathetically.
“My hormones were out of whack. It was a difficult birth. My emotions were going crazy. I was a total mess. Mark and Lucas were both there, and I tried to calm myself down. I thought I’d succeeded but when we were alone in the room, just Mark, Lucas and I… I just… It all poured out of me. I told Mark I couldn’t stay married to him, that it was so wrong of me, that he deserved someone who could love him completely. And I told him I was a lesbian. There was this awful silence and then”—a tear cascaded down Jess’s cheek—“I realized Mark was crying, tears streaming down his face. I was devastated. He just stood there sobbing.” Jess paused, dashed away her own tears.
“Would you like me to make more tea?” Kat asked. The tea Em had made them sat on the coffee table untouched and cold.
“No.” Jess shook her head. “But thanks. I just have to get this out, Kat, because I need you to know. You see, when Mark broke down it was Lucas who went to him, held him, tried to soothe him. And I saw the way they looked at each other. I knew in that moment that Mark and Lucas loved each other.”
Kat was astounded. Mark and Lucas? She’d suspected Lucas was gay but Mark? He was so— She stopped herself, admitting she was succumbing to stereotypical appearances the way most people did.
“When Mark got himself together we all just looked at each other. I was totally numb. I asked them how long it had been that way for them. Mark said he knew for certain the day Lucas’s father had hit Lucas. He said he couldn’t tell anyone, not even Lucas, because he was so terrified of his feelings, of being gay.
“When Lucas left to live in Melbourne, Mark thought he was over it. But when Lucas came back Mark said he knew he wasn’t. He was even more horrified about his feelings for Lucas. He said he loved me too, and that he thought if he put his feelings for Lucas behind him, chose a normal life, he could change. So he asked me to marry him.” Jess’s lips twisted. “So we were both doing everything for the wrong reasons.”
“Did Lucas know how Mark felt? Back then?” Kat asked and Jess nodded.
“Apparently Mark had his own reservations the night before our wedding. Lucas and Mark went out for a drink, supposedly to celebrate Mark’s last night of freedom. They both got slightly drunk and Mark admitted to Lucas how he felt about him. Lucas said he felt the same about Mark. They were both frantic. I asked them why they allowed the wedding to go ahead, and they said they both loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. And neither of them thought they could cope with a gay lifestyle.”
“So they didn’t have a relationship?”
Jess shook her head. “They swore they didn’t. Lucas said he tried to keep away, but he kept coming back. They’d fought their attraction for the two years Mark and I were married. So, as it turned out, it wasn’t just Mark and I who were unhappy. The three of us were. We all cried that night. Eventually I told them they had my blessing, that Mark and I would divorce and they could be together.
“It took another year for Mark to come to terms with us divorcing. By then Lucas was working with us. He moved in with us and they have their section in the house and I have mine. It’s worked well and hasn’t had too much of an impact on the kids. They accept the three of us as part of their family life. It was all in place while they were very young.”
“Do your parents know?” Kat asked. She knew Jess had said her mother was still disappointed about the divorce, but she also recalled Jess mentioning that both sets of parents, although upset, were tolerant and accepting.
“Not officially. Mark and Lucas are still fairly closeted.” She shrugged. “I suppose I am too. Didn’t they say in the old days it was easier for women to hide. I do think our parents know on some level, but they haven’t asked so we don’t tell. We just want the kids to have a normal, steady life. When they’re older we’ll tell them. However,
I think Mark totally underestimates kids today, and I think they’re far more aware than he realizes. But the bottom line is they know we love them unconditionally. I think that’s the most important thing.”
Kat agreed. “What about you? I mean, apart from the woman at the gym, have you— Has there been anyone else?”
Jess shook her head. “I guess in my way I’ve been pretty closeted too, although I have some wonderfully supportive lesbian friends.”
“Like Rachel and Quinn?” Kat put in and Jess nodded.
“There’ve been times I’ve really leaned all over them. Like now,” Jess added apologetically and Kat raised her eyebrows. “I’d admitted to them that I was interested in you before the night of the barbecue. After that night they said they’d twigged you were a lesbian, and they thought you were interested in me too.”
Kat smiled. “They were right.”
“It did give me some small hope.” She nervously brushed a strand of fair hair back behind her ear again. “Oh, Kat. You came along with your incredible dark eyes and, well, the wonderful all of you, and I fell like a ton of bricks. That first day. When I saw you standing there in the midst of the rubble of your house I knew things would never be the same for me.
“And when Meggie phoned you, and you smiled at the sound of her voice. My heart sank. I thought at first she was your partner, and I was so unbelievably disappointed. I wanted you to look at me like that.”
“Like I’m looking at you now?” Kat asked softly.
Jess nodded. “But back then, just when I thought I was safe on the Meggie front, Em turned up.”
Kat laughed. “Oh, yes. The ever incorrigible Em. She’s the very best of best friends.”
“I sort of got that impression. But then Meggie basically implied that you and her mother were an item. I even cried on Rachel’s shoulder over that. They said they liked you very much, but they were concerned about the possibility that you were in a relationship with Meggie’s mother. They didn’t want me to get hurt. Their advice was for me to ask you straight out. But I was such a coward. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it in case I wouldn’t want to hear your answer.”
“And I couldn’t find a way to explain about Shael without outing myself and taking the chance you’d run off in terror.”
“Did I look terrified?” Jess asked, exasperated, and Kat laughed.
“Not all the time. You were pretty cool mostly. I was pretty terrified, though, about how I felt about you. And I thought I was keeping my feelings for you under such good wraps. I was sure I was doing a more than adequate job of hiding it.”
“You were. Most of the time.” Jess grinned. “But occasionally I’d get a smidgen of a suspicion. It played havoc with my sleep patterns.”
They laughed softly, then Kat sobered. “Jess, about Shael. We were together for ten years, and I thought I loved her. Looking back, I think I loved the person I wanted her to be. It was hardly Shael’s fault that she wasn’t that person. With hindsight I know I should have left years earlier. But I couldn’t leave Meggie.”
“I can understand that. Meggie loves you. That’s so obvious.”
“I love her too, and I’m hoping Shael and I can find some common ground with the custody issue.”
They sat looking at each other. Kat was just happy to take in Jess sitting there, wanting to be there, knowing she felt the way Kat did. Part of her couldn’t quite believe it, and she wanted Jess in her arms, to lay her ghosts, those old insecurity demons. “You know, Meggie keeps telling me how wonderful you are and how much she likes you.”
“She does?”
Kat nodded.
“Miranda’s the same about you. I wonder if… It’s just that those two talk almost every night. I think it might explain something Miranda said to me after Caleb’s party. She said, ‘You know that Kat’s a lesbian, Mum. Meggie told me. That means Kat likes to be with women. That’s probably why she likes to be with you.’ I was trying to come to terms with why I wanted to be with you too, so I wasn’t exactly functioning to my full potential. I was so taken aback when Miranda said that I’m afraid I changed the subject really quickly. Lucas was there, and he walked off grinning like a Cheshire cat. I’m sure he made some comment about out of the mouth of babes.”
Kat laughed too. “Do you think it’s going to be a problem? Us, I mean?”
“No. I hope not. Not with Mark and Lucas I don’t think. I guess I’ll just have some talking to do. With the kids.”
Kat nodded. “As I said, I really didn’t want to cause any problems in your life, Jess,” Kat began.
Jess stood up then, held out her hand and Kat took it. Jess pulled Kat to her feet and into her arms. “What I really want right now is to kiss you. Is that what you want too?”
Kat simply sank into Jess’s arms, her lips finding Jess’s. They kissed, slowly first, intoxicatingly slowly, and Kat drank in the softness of Jess’s mouth, the heady wonder of the feel of her body close to hers. Then their kisses deepened until they drew apart, both breathless.
“I so needed that,” Jess said. She glanced at the door Em had closed on her way out. “Shall we take advantage of the forward-thinking Em’s decision to keep out intruders and any other stray women who might be passing and desperately feel the need to come right on in and kiss you too? Because I’m putting you on notice that I’ll be keeping you so very busy doing just that you won’t have time to kiss other women.”
“Or the inclination,” Kat promised.
“Wonderful. So shall we pick up where we left off last night?”
Kat gazed into Jess’s eyes, seeing desire burning there, dropped her gaze to Jess’s lips, those soft inviting lips. “Picking up where we left off last night? Now, that’s amazing because that’s just what I was thinking.”
“Perfect.” Jess kissed her again and Kat’s knees almost gave out beneath her. “Remind me to thank Em. I know she did ask you to call her later, but if it’s all right with you, do you think she’d mind if we left it till much, much later.”
“I had the very same thoughts again,” Kat said. “I think we’re traveling in the same direction, don’t you?”
“Mmm,” Jess murmured against Kat’s mouth. “Down the hall to that wonderful new bedroom of yours?”
“Oh, yes,” said Kat and they moved towards the back of the house together. “Em sets a lot of store by forks in the road of life,” Kat told Jess. “I think this time I’ve taken the best fork of my life. The road you’re traveling on.” She paused and Jess stopped, arm still holding her close. “I love you, Jess. So much. Do you think, well, that we’ll—”
“I know we will. I love you too, Kat. I think from the first moment I saw you I loved you. And I’ve been waiting for you. Just you. To join me on that journey.” She turned, held Kat’s face in her hands. “I’m so going to enjoy our voyage together.”
“But, what if —”
Jess kissed her. Deeply. “Discovering each other is going to be part of that wonderful journey, don’t you think?” She looked into Kat’s eyes. “I can’t promise we won’t have ruts in that road, my love, but the getting there, well, the getting there is going to be incredible, amazing, exhilarating!” She laughed softly as she took Kat’s hand and they moved forward together.
Publications from
Bella Books, Inc.
Women. Books. Even Better Together.
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