“I suppose not.” Tilly stared at her clenched hands. Nolan had made his choice. He’d chosen his solitude. “I’m not certain why you’re telling me all of this.”
“He fought because he’s honorable. After the war, I moved to Kansas to be near my sister. Nolan came home to live with me, and I could see that he’d changed. I didn’t understand. I was hard on him. I wanted him to be the same boy he was before the war because I was selfish. I didn’t want to face my own guilt.”
Mr. West’s eyes grew red around the rims.
Tilly blinked rapidly. “You don’t have to say any more.”
“I do. I do have to finish. I didn’t want to see him suffering because I knew I was responsible. He fought because of me—he fought for a cause he didn’t entirely believe in. Seeing him every day was eating me up with guilt. Instead of helping him, I drove him away. I made him think there was something wrong with him, when really there was something wrong with me.” Mr. West retrieved a handkerchief from his pocket and swiped at his nose. “When he mentioned you in his letter, I came straight away. It’s the first thing he’s asked of me since he was released from Rock Island. You see?”
“Yes. I think so.”
Mr. West clearly loved and missed his son, and she sympathized with his dilemma.
“Why are you here?” Jericho asked. “Why are you in Cimarron Springs and not Wichita?”
“Because I didn’t have any place else to go, and this is the closest I could be to Nolan while my heart mended.”
Jericho brushed at his eyes. “I hoped so. I hoped you’d say that.”
“It doesn’t do us a lot of good, does it? He’s never coming home.”
“Maybe. Maybe not.” Jericho reached for his hand. “But if he does come, at least he’ll have someone to welcome him.”
Tilly took the older man’s hand. She’d be fine if Nolan never returned. She’d discovered her own strength, and she didn’t mind the solitude anymore. She’d looked inside herself and seen something worth nurturing. She was no longer afraid of being alone. She was no longer compelled to live up to someone else’s idea of who she should be and what she should do.
Despite her newfound strength, she mourned the loss of her friendship with Nolan. Jericho was offering her a chance to know someone who understood what she was feeling. They were both healing from the loss of someone they loved. At least they could heal together.
“If he ever decides to come home.” She squeezed Jericho’s fingers. “We’ll be here for him.”
* * *
Weary from traveling, Nolan thought his eyes must be deceiving him. He rubbed them with the heels of his hands and looked again.
Tilly glanced over her shoulder and her eyes widened. “You startled me. I wasn’t expecting you.”
His pulse thrummed. He felt as though he’d stumbled into a dream. A dream he’d been having since the day he left Yankton. A dream where Tilly wandered through the spaces of his heart.
Since nothing made sense, he said the first thing that came to mind, “Who were you expecting?”
He glanced around, but he was in the right place. This was his father’s home. The house was exactly the same as he’d left it. The kerosene lamp was the same, the rag rug was the same, even the crooked framed sampler his mother had stitched was the same.
Yet Tilly stood before him, her bluebell eyes twinkling. “Your father, of course.”
“Tilly, what are you doing here?”
The change of events was too abrupt. His mind couldn’t keep up with the frantic beating of his heart.
“It’s a long story,” she said. “Perhaps your father should tell you.”
She set a package on the counter and turned.
Still mute and stunned by the encounter, he let her slip past him.
She’d nearly reached the door when he discovered his voice.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
He felt as though she’d disappear forever if he let her out of his sight, even for a moment.
“Home.”
“Home?” he asked. “This is your home?”
“Cimarron Springs is my home now. I’ve been working at the post office for the past several weeks. There was a package from Wells Fargo for your father today, and I decided to deliver it myself. I was hoping to speak with him, but as you can see, he isn’t home yet.”
She stepped outside and inhaled deeply. “I love the smell of burning leaves, don’t you?”
“Yes.” Dusk was falling and he searched for a pony cart or some other means of conveyance. “It’s several miles to town. Did you walk?”
“I did. There’s a shortcut over the stream.”
He scrambled to form a lucid thought. “Let me walk with you.”
“I’m fine on my own. I walk the distance almost every day.”
“I insist.”
“All right then, if you insist.”
“I do.”
She slipped her arm through the crook of his elbow, and he felt the shock of her touch all the way to his toes. Until that moment, he hadn’t realized how much he missed her, how much he truly loved her.
She smiled at him as they walked. “Beautiful weather we’re having.”
A thousand questions danced on the tip of his tongue. “How long have you been living in Cimarron Springs?” he asked.
“Three months. I traveled with Captain Ronald and Eleanor to Wichita, but you can imagine the difficulties. They’re newlyweds, after all. I helped them settle in and spent some time with the girls. I’d already moved here when your father came to call.”
Part of the reason for her appearance at his father’s house fell into place. “I asked him to check in on you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all. We struck up a friendship. What about you? How have you been?”
His throat tightened. Why hadn’t his father written him about their growing friendship? Why had they excluded him?
Nolan swallowed past the lump in his throat. “I’m well.”
“Your father says that you’ve been traveling.”
“I have.”
“Anyplace interesting?”
“No place I wanted to stay.” He paused. She was behaving casually, as though they hadn’t been through torment together. Not knowing what else to do, he mimicked her casual talk. “Then Eleanor and Captain Ronald have found happiness?”
“Yes. It’s work, mind you. They’re both used to getting their way.” She held her bonnet with her free hand and tipped her head to the sky. “I’m coming by your father’s tomorrow to help with his garden. I hope I’ll see you.”
“Tilly. What’s happening here?”
This wasn’t right. None of this was right. She wasn’t supposed to be here. He’d planned on living with his father for a while. He’d planned on trying to explain why he’d left before, and why he’d come back. He hadn’t planned on meeting Tilly in his father’s kitchen, and all his carefully erected plans crumbled.
Her smile was serene. “Nothing is happening here. Absolutely nothing.”
His stomach twisted. Certainly her presence meant something. Certainly there was hope for them if she’d moved to the one place he might someday return to.
“Why were you at my father’s house?” he asked, his voice hoarse. “Why are you in Cimarron Springs?”
“I told you. I was at your father’s house delivering a package. Your father and I are friends.”
Had her feelings for him been deeper than he thought? Or was he reading the situation all wrong.
“Unusual friends,” he prodded.
“Not so unusual if you really think about it. We both love the same person. Having something in common is often how friendships begin.”
His footsteps halted. She’d spoken
the most precious words he’d ever heard. But he couldn’t let her stay here. He couldn’t let her waste her life on something that was never to be. More than once he’d thought of making the trip to Wichita, and more than once he’d stopped himself. He’d finally returned home to seek his father’s advice.
“You can’t love me, Tilly,” he said. “I’m not right, and I don’t think I ever will be. I’ve tried everything. This is who I am.”
Her gaze was peaceful and unmoved. “I know.”
“And that doesn’t bother you?”
“Yes. Of course it bothers me. It bothers me because it bothers you.”
“I can’t subject you to the sort of life I live. You deserve better. I don’t want you to become like me.”
“I think we could both move closer to the center of things.”
“People will talk,” he said. “They’ll talk about me. Which means, in turn, they’ll talk about you.”
The edges of her mouth drooped. “Do you think so little of me that you don’t suppose I can tolerate a little gossip?”
This wasn’t going at all as he’d expected. She was countering his words at every turn. “I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“You haven’t insulted me, you’ve hurt my feelings.”
A lump formed in his throat. “I didn’t mean to do that, either.”
She faced him and clasped his hands, her gaze earnest. “I know that you mourn the man you were before the war, but I don’t, because I didn’t know that man. I can’t mourn for someone I never met. I know this man. I fell in love with the man standing before me.”
He didn’t dare breathe. He didn’t dare hope. “Life with me would not be easy.”
“Life is sloppy and messy and nothing ever turns out the way we suppose. I don’t need someone who is perfect. I’m not perfect, either. If I married someone perfect, I’d simply feel as though I was under Eleanor’s rule once more, and I’m through living like that. I don’t know what you were like before the war, but, according to your father, you weren’t without flaws.”
“I don’t want you to hate me.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t want your love to turn to disgust.”
“Love is not finding the perfect person with the perfect smile and the perfect disposition. Love is finding the beauty in someone’s flaws and imperfections. Love is finding someone who is willing to accept you as you are and grow together with you. I won’t be the same person in a day, or a week, or a month. I’m not done becoming the person I want to be.”
She didn’t understand. “You’d be better off with someone normal,” he said.
“I have spent the better part of my life running away from things. For the first time in my life, I have chosen to run toward something I want. I have chosen to risk my heart and my happiness trying. I came to Cimarron Springs because I refused to give up on you. You may shun me. You may refuse me. You may walk out of my life and never return. I will not, however, allow you to dictate what’s best for me. Not now. Not ever.”
The tone of her voice gave him pause. “Then you’re willing to take a risk on me.”
“Only if you’re willing to take a risk on me.”
“I don’t deserve you,” he said, his hope rising. “But I would spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of you.”
“That’s all I’ll ever ask of you. I’ve given up on a lot of things, but I will never give up on you. I will never give up on our love.” Her teasing smile returned. “Of course, you’ll have to try very hard.”
His heart seemed to lighten. “You’ll have to try a little, as well.”
“I suppose.”
He caught her against him and kissed her long and hard before pulling away. “I love you, Matilda Hargreaves. Will you marry me?”
“Yes. But you have to promise me something.”
His stomach knotted. “I’ll do my best.”
“You are not allowed to say that you don’t deserve me. I’m through with that nonsense. I love the man you are, and I won’t have you questioning my judgment.”
The knots in his stomach unraveled. “You have excellent judgment,” he said. “Because I’m actually quite a catch as a husband.”
A slow grin spread across her face. “Tell me more.”
“My domestic skills are unparalleled.”
“That sounds promising.”
“I come from an excellent family.”
“True,” she said, tapping her lower lip. “I’m quite fond of your father.”
“I once saved a damsel in distress from a band of outlaws.”
“You’re brave, too.” Her eyes twinkled. “I’m marrying a real hero.”
In that instant he let go of the burden he’d been carrying since his imprisonment. He’d survived. He’d changed. He wasn’t completely healed, and he might never be, but he had enough love in his heart to fill the gaps. He no longer had to prove he was deserving of this life, he simply had to live and love and move forward.
Clinging to the past was selfish. People were meant to mourn, but they were also meant to move on.
“You have to promise me something, as well,” he said.
She fiddled with a button on her cuff. “What is that?”
“Stop comparing the worst parts of yourself to the best parts of others.”
Her expression turned somber. “You are the first person who ever looked at me and didn’t compare me to something better.”
“No. I wasn’t.”
“I already love you.” She ducked her head. “You needn’t flatter me.”
He tucked his knuckles beneath her chin and urged her to meet his gaze. “Miss Hargreaves, you could use a little more confidence in yourself.”
“How fortunate that we seem to bring out the best in each other.”
“How fortunate indeed.”
She caught his hand and tugged him in the opposite direction. “We have to tell your father. I think I see a light in the window. He must have returned home.”
Nolan looped his arms around her waist. “He can wait. This cannot.”
He kissed her tenderly and pulled away. She gazed at him with so much love it took his breath away.
She loved the flawed man he was, and that was the most perfect gift he’d ever received.
Epilogue
The train whistle blew, scattering the chickens pecking along the track. With pistons chugging, the engine rumbled into the station. Steam vapors hissed over Tilly’s feet.
Beside her, Nolan fidgeted. She clutched his sleeve. “Relax.”
“What if he doesn’t like us?”
“He’ll like us.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
“He’ll like us. Who wouldn’t like us?” Tilly said. She hadn’t seen Nolan this nervous since their wedding day. “You once said you’d give me anything my heart desires.”
“This wasn’t what I expected.”
Her heart lurched. “Are you very sorry?”
“I’m very happy. I’m simply nervous.” He straightened his tie. “Do I look all right?”
“You look fine.” She smoothed his collar. “He’s going to like you. Don’t worry. Do I look all right?”
“You look beautiful. Radiant. Show a little confidence.”
“You’re one to talk.”
They shared a knowing grin. They brought out the best in each other. The worst, too, sometimes, but they always managed to find their way through the difficulties.
She anxiously smoothed a hand down the growing swell of her stomach. Her father’s cousin, who served on the board of the New York Widows and Orphans Society, had written several months ago about a very special case.
Even though Tilly had foregone her trip to New York and her work with the widows and orphans, she�
��d still wanted to help. She and Nolan had discussed several possible ways they could assist those left homeless, and they’d chosen adoption.
A gray-haired woman wearing a severe black dress and a starched apron emerged through the steam and the crowd of departing passengers. A young boy with his shoulder wrapped in a sling stood meekly beside her.
Nolan and Tilly exchanged a glance and he squeezed her hand. After deciding to adopt a child, they had both come to the same conclusion: only the most unique child would do. They were two people who understood what it was like to be different, which meant they were looking for someone very special to join their family.
The gray-haired woman gave a brisk nod. “I’m Mrs. Blankenship. I believe you were expecting us.”
Tilly’s gaze skittered to the boy. “We were.”
When her father’s cousin had written about the child, they’d both known their prayers had finally been answered. With the support of Nolan’s father and their extended family, they’d made their decision.
He was too thin for an eight-year-old, with a mop of dark hair and a solemn expression far beyond his age.
Everyone was anxious to meet the new addition to Cimarron Springs, but they’d decided to wait for introductions to the rest of the town lest they overwhelm him. Eleanor and the girls were visiting the following week.
“He’s been a good little fellow,” the woman said. “Not so much as a peep out of him the whole way. I’ll leave you to get acquainted.”
Nolan bent at the waist and shook the boy’s free hand. “My name is Nolan, and this is Tilly. Your name is Kevin, right?”
“Yep. I’m Kevin.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kevin.”
The boy set his jaw at a defiant angle. “Did the orphanage tell you that I don’t have an arm?”
“They did.”
“Did they tell you why I don’t have an arm?”
“We didn’t ask.”
“I fell under a carriage and the wheel crushed my arm. The doc said it was too broken to ever heal right. My ma said she had too many mouths to feed to keep a child who couldn’t work.” Kevin’s gaze was skeptical. “The lady from the orphanage told you all that, right?”
A Temporary Family Page 24
