I abandoned this as a consideration as I set myself to enjoy a wonderful afternoon with an enchanting country in a land of the free and in a mindset of being brave.
Chapter 14: America Takes A Stand
After tossing the bottle full of angst into the ocean, I once again took control of the speedboat. Although Dora seemed to prefer being in the driver’s seat, she submitted to being a passenger. With a sly grin on my face, I opened the throttle testing the limits of the boat and my courage. The speed was exciting and Dora eyed me with approval. Instead of turning about to follow the same path that we took going, I opted instead to drive in the opposite direction hoping to see more of the uninhabited portions of the island.
Most of the landscape was lined with trees and thick vegetation. I pushed the boat even further, full speed ahead. The water passed in a glossy pattern and I sensed Dora mirrored my exhilaration. The momentum was addictive and taking control of the speed made me feel as if anything were possible.
Just a few lengths before the small village of shops, the boat’s engine, smoked, sputtered, and then died. We were a great distance from the shoreline and I worked to convince the inboard motor to restart with great failure. Fortunately, in a few short minutes, the smoke had subsided and all we were left with was a stranded boat.
In vain I continued to twist the key over and over again so at the least we could propel to shore. With an uncooperative engine, I realized we needed to prevent the boat from drifting further out to sea. Neither of us were mechanical so we dropped an anchor and called the resort with the emergency radio asking for help.
We surrendered ourselves to riding the waves and waiting. The shoreline was within site, and I felt relief that we were for the time being safe.
“I’m going to place the canopy overhead…we’re sure to bake out here otherwise.” Spain announced.
"Great idea," I replied.
We worked as a team to hoist the canvas. There were huge snaps that took a great amount of strength to secure. Once finished the thick material seemed to act as an oven, condensing the heat in the small surround of the boat. The advantage however was in how the sun was deflected from our skin. Unfortunately, the canopy prevented air flow as well.
“This is ridiculous,” Dora snipped grabbing for the radio to expedite help.
“I wouldn’t nag them," I warned. "Some people take their time as a way of protesting such impatience.”
Dora considered my words, nodded, and then replaced the microphone. She widened her eyes and sighed as a sort of an unspoken frustration at being stuck afloat together.
Spain retrieved two water bottles from the cooler and offered one to me. I nodded, as I twisted the top and guzzled a few swallows. Dora did the same as we resigned ourselves to just roll with the boat.
“What about you?” She finally asked. “What was your first encounter like?”
I paused a moment attempting to hide my smirk. I watched her, watching me as I began.
“Oh, that was a lifetime ago. I was sixteen. Keith was the quarterback on the football team. Number 50 on the field. Football as in American football not soccer…anyway, I thought he was in love with me but as soon as I gave in to him, he moved on to the next innocent on his list. I was barely an honorable mention to add to his trophy shelf.”
Dora paused a moment. “I’m sorry, how dreadful.”
“I put it out of my mind long ago. I was grateful that fate didn’t repeat itself since my mother gave birth to me when she was sixteen.”
“That’s a baby having a baby,” Dora said.
“Exactly.”
“Are you close with your mother present day?” Dora wondered.
“No. She passed away when I was a child. Her sister Agatha offered me a bed, a roof, and emotional disconnection. It was an unfortunate way to grow up.”
“What about your mother?” I asked.
“I never even met her. She had breast cancer and when she learned she was pregnant with my sister and me, she refused treatment so as not to harm us. We were in her womb when she died and the doctor saved us by cesarean. In truth, the cancer was detected in the later stages and even if she underwent treatment, it wouldn’t have prolonged the inevitable. Fortunately, our father did his best to make up for what was lacking. Laura and I had more than most and he saw to it we were nurtured...and then of course there was our nanny, Selma, who acted as a surrogate.”
“You were very lucky,” I said.
Things fell silent for a few minutes as the wind picked up tossing the boat around in its path. We would swing clockwise and then counter clockwise while rolling and rocking. Over and over, here there and then back again. I did my best to keep my eyes on the island as a point of stability. It was an impossible situation and I despised predicaments that one could not escape from readily. The silence between Dora and I was shared in a comforting unity. We were content just being together but then again we had no other choice.
“Her name was Maya.” Dora announced looking out towards the horizon; her body language was notably stiff. “She was Laura’s best friend and my first lover.”
I took a deep breath not knowing what to say in response to Dora sharing something obviously difficult for her to speak of.
“Laura never knew about my preferences and she certainly didn't know about my relationship with Maya.” Dora's voice was controlled, as if she were peeling the layers from her most guarded secret.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered.
Dora nodded, allowing my support to register.
“I think I was always in love with Maya but there seemed to be constant obstacles preventing her from offering herself fully in return. I think she was influenced greatly by what tradition dictated, instead of having the ability to just follow her own path. Of course we were too young really to be so serious about each other but still… In the end I think she surrendered to the pressure and there would never be a sort of "us together" happy ending.”
Dora sighed heavy as if by her stating the facts, she was finally accepting the truth surrounding Maya. "I left her behind in the past deciding I would never again put my heart on the line like that again.”
“Until now,” I said regretting my impulsive statement.
Dora peered at me with question.
I allowed my words simmer for a moment between us before continuing.
“This week has forced us both to be honest with ourselves,” I said further. “Facing things is the only way to heal and move forward towards better.”
Dora nodded in agreement. "I suppose so," she whispered.
Dora's pitch was low, almost as if what she intended to say was coming straight from her heart.
“You announced a few days ago that you were not my sister. I understood that from the moment I laid eyes on you. I cursed you, remember that day?"
I nodded.
“Well, I’m not a replacement for your husband either. I’m Dora Alavaro and if you let me, I may just prove to be the best thing that ever happened to you.”
I sighed heavy… my heart was racing, fueled by a building desire for Spain. I could not believe where this conversation had led. I felt butterflies from her truths. I was tempted but also fearful of what it all meant. In a panic, I gazed in the direction to where I believed the tow boat would be traveling. To my disappointment, there was no immediate rescue in sight. I had no choice but to ride the waves and accept the honesty of such conversation.
“Carmen, I’ve admitted more to you than I have anyone else ever…please don’t make me regret it,” Dora warned.
“ I would never intentionally hurt you,” I replied.
“….but…” Dora said. “There’s always a “but” in the English language.”
I shook my head no, puzzled by her tone that was meant to lead me away from the notion of “us together.” She continued, "I've never been any good at putting my feelings into words, I'm ...how should I say? Sort of laying it out there all exposed right now."
"I'm hono
red you trust me, I said.
“You tried to move out the other morning.” Dora accused, “you packed your things and begged the front desk to find you other accommodations.” Dora worked to control the disappointment in her voice. It was apparent she was upset by my need to run.
“I was a coward.” I admitted.
“Tell me why the fear.... I deserve to know.”
“It’s just one week Dora and I’ll never see you again, what does it matter?” I asked.
“Is that what you think, really?” “It’s just a week to toy with me and my feelings… Incredible America, you are a puta just like I first believed you to be.”
I shrugged my shoulders wishing that there was some way off that boat and regretting that I hadn't taken Spanish when I was in school. However, I sensed the word puta would not have been included in a structured class.
“Carmen, what do you want from me?” She demanded.
Ignoring the question, I shuffled to the side of the boat wondering if I could handle swimming the distance to shore. I leaned towards the water, placing my fingertips just below the choppy surface. How could I explain my inner conflict and confusion? One look at her and that all disappeared anyway. One look at her and confusion was replaced by sincere want; the image of bodies entwined and what I imagined would be earth shattering passion.
“Carmen?” Dora insisted as she approached and turned me around to face her.
“Look at me here.” The boat moved and I couldn’t help but chuckle at how serious she had become. My inappropriate laugh was nothing more than a nervous release to the escalating tension. In return, a smile softened her face and there was great question in her eyes.
“I just can’t,” I argued losing the battle over my own fear.
“Then stop teasing me with such possibilities. We’re friends and let’s just stay that way for the remainder of the week. I can handle friendship. I enjoy your company and think the world of you.”
I nodded, but instead of accepting this agreement, with the momentum of the boat and the next wave, with great courage, I lurched forward allowing my lips to brush with hers.
The kiss was perfectly executed introducing gentleness to vulnerability. It had been a long time since I wanted to connect with anyone in such a way and I found myself lost in the power of it. The warmth of Dora left me feeling frivolous, as if I had finally discovered the best kept secrets of our time. For as long as I live, I will always remember that kiss being the kiss of all kisses, cotton candy.
“Carmen,” Dora placed her fingertips to her lips as she stumbled back dumbfounded.
I could feel my heart. It had been years since I had, and now there it was, beating, wanting, feeling, in rhythm and in unity with Dora. My play for her was reciprocated and yet, she appeared to have become totally unraveled. It was my guess that all of a sudden, she discovered her heart was beating too.
“I’m sorry,” I replied feeling an apology was necessary considering her startled response. I flopped onto the bench seat burying my forehead into my hands…wondering what was so wrong and why she was behaving so peculiar.
“Dora,” I said. I glanced in her direction. In order to keep me at a distance, she shuffled to the furthest point of the boat. She sat heavy, lifting her feet, not wishing for them to touch the same floor that mine were resting on.
“You can’t do this to me," Dora mumbled. "Teasing me...baiting me… pushing me away, then drawing me back in...it’s unfair.” She then whispered so low that it was difficult to hear her voice. "I don’t need to be strung along. I’ve had enough...this IS Maya all over again.
“Seriously?” I said not knowing what to say at that point. Dora for as composed as I had believed her to be, as reserved and collected and worldly, and strong and knowledgeable…well it was all of a sudden obvious that she was vulnerable and delicate, just the same as I was, if not more so. It seemed as if I had misjudged her completely.
I moved to the edge of the boat where she was hoping to be left alone. Her stone “wall” hurt me terribly. I attempted to break through that wall too, but she winced indicating she had closed herself off.
“I care for you Dora. I can’t pretend that I don’t. I can’t promise you anything other than right here and now…this week…me, this vacation.”
“Dora, did you hear me? I spelled it all out for you…no promises just living in the now. If you can accept that, we can have an amazing couple of days. If you can’t, we can still share an amazing couple of days but in a different way. I guess the decision is yours.”
My intentions were laid out on the table as a mediocre hand in a high stakes card game...would each of our different needs match up or fail to? Was mediocre enough to win over her hand?
Chapter 15: Spain’s Feast of Love
Laura, I am standing here next to America, wanting nothing more than to be with her…but I don’t believe it would be in my best interest. She says she cares for me but it doesn't seem to be in line with what I need right now. Why do I put myself in such impossible situations time and time again? Is this my attempt at placing the trauma that Maya caused behind me? Laura, from wherever you are, you know all and see all now. What should I do?
“The tow boat is coming,” Carmen announced bridging my thoughts back. Carmen tilted her head then glanced towards me. Her eyes narrowed as she said, “I'd like to talk about what happened when we have a chance.”
I said nothing but instead kept my focus on the approaching boat.
About an hour later we reached the dock in front of the resort. Neither of us offered anything more than a polite yes or no to the questions we were asked regarding the failure of the speedboat’s engine. To each other we maintained a barrier of silence.
I thought about the day's events, about the longing that stirred while lying on top of Carmen at the waterfall. I thought about her kissing me like she did, about my heart racing out of control and the intensity she sparked. I was fearful and the idea of certain loss in a few days made the risk seem out of the question. I had spent most of my life chasing after Maya only to have everything blow up in my face in repeat. Carmen admitted the extent of what we shared would be over the moment we stepped off the island.
Straight women were impossible to figure out, but then again we all came with our own set of flaws. I suddenly found myself questioning everything but especially if taking matters any further would be in my own best interest.
My twin Laura's voice rose in my mind. I imagined her speaking to me in a matter-of-fact way.
Sis, you’re over analyzing like always. You want Carmen to fit into your definition of what love means instead of accepting that it can and often does defy explanation. You want an excuse to avoid…you want to be the person running to the front desk asking for a different room. Don’t you know by now that the heart wants what the heart wants...either you spend your life cowering in fear from it or you open yourself up to the enormous risk of it. Three days, twenty years, an entire lifetime, by trying to control, you are saying no to what may be the most valued experience ever...albeit short lived.
I watched Carmen stomp towards the side entrance to the resort. The weather had changed to overcast and rain began to pelt the earth. I thanked the driver of the tow boat handing him a generous tip and entered the building making a straight line towards the elevators.
When I returned to the penthouse, Carmen was shut away in her room. I in turn headed for the master bedroom. I drew the water in the enormous whirlpool tub adding a cap full of vanilla scented bath conditioner. I unclothed myself watching bubbles form along the moving currents. The fragrance was pleasant and I looked forward to this simple comfort to calm my nerves and to gain perspective.
I thought of my sister and her voice of reason. Somehow the afterlife made her much wiser than she actually was...she gained depth and insight to where in real life she was rather shallow and self absorbed. I imagined what she would say as this new and improved person. Because I could not argue her viewpoint, at leas
t in my imaginings, she would always be right.
Everyone wanted love to mean the same exact thing to the other person and it often does not. Maya was the perfect example of this. Now Carmen was honest regarding her intentions and feelings…and instead of accepting and embracing her upfront nature, I pushed her away.
“Typical, typical, typical…” I mumbled to myself as I melted into the heated jets throwing pressured water around me. I submerged myself wishing nothing more than to escape what I was feeling. When I resurfaced, Carmen was standing before me and I released a startled gasp.
“If you have a moment?” Carmen began.
She entered my private bathroom without consideration to my nakedness. Bold, I thought.
“I’m sorry Dora,” Carmen asserted, doing her best to direct her gaze at the matching set of hand towels with the “Grand Resort” emblem embossed tastefully on them.
“When I believed I was in Travis' heart...well, the fact was, I made the mistake of extending complete vulnerability. I lived my life expecting it all to be this deep, forever sort of prospect instead of realizing that he was incapable of that. I wanted so much to believe…I found myself always looking towards tomorrow, holding on to that “happily ever after” fantasy instead of living in the “now” and accepting the unfortunate truth surrounding today. That’s why the breakup hit me so hard. I wagered everything on tomorrow but I’ve learned from that experience and I refuse to repeat that mistake ever again."
Carmen’s eyes darted in my direction and she immediately caught herself as she worked to pull her attention back to the towels.
“I just don’t have it in me to promise anything more than this week “in the now” since I’m clearly not in a good place. It wouldn’t be fair to you or to me.”
I glanced at Carmen as her fingertips were tracing the golden threads on the towels before her.
Falling Whispers, Love & Curses Page 10
