Secrets of a D-List Supervillain

by Jim Bernheimer

  In an ironic twist, the engineer pushed aside the plans for a group of drones. They became the back burner project as new life was breathed into this extremely dodgy venture.

  Now, all I had to do was figure out how to turn Rex’s claw into my own little magic totem. Addressing the digit, I said, “Let’s go see what Mr. Google says I should do with you.”

  • • •

  “Yes,” the woman said, fondling my finger, well technically Rex’s claw. “This has some serious potential. I can feel the power that can be tapped with this.”

  Was it my imagination or did the voodoo lady just lick her lips.

  Her name was Patrice and she’d originally set out to be a pharmacist. Along the way, she’d discovered a similar, but vastly different, calling. She’d been one of the few Voodoo types who’d made a determined effort to break the spell on Andy. I’d been skeptical of the blonde haired woman, but Hooch said she was legit and that was enough for me. Even so, she looked the part of a PTA mother and not a person who deals in questionable magic.

  The outside of her house looked like almost any misbegotten structure you’d find in the backwoods of bayou country. Inside, it looked completely modern and like something out of Better Homes and Gardens.

  It was also my first time standing in the room with an, “I shit you not”, zombie. I’d seen one or two in the occasional traveling carnival freakshow, and figured out that on most of those occasions they were just actors in makeup.

  This one, however, was no actor; right down to the leathery, desiccated flesh, and the sunken eyes that didn’t blink. Doesn’t smell nearly as bad as I thought it would.

  Patrice noted my curiosity and chuckled in amusement. “My boyfriend in college. He swore he’d love me forever, and then broke my heart. In return, I did something else to his. Does that bother you, Guardian?”

  “Not nearly as much as it bothered him,” I replied, and shrugged my shoulders. “What exactly do you use him for?”

  “Round the clock housekeeping service mostly. He also helps with the vermin problem. You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Oh, that?” I said, looking indifferent. “I’m still trying to adjust to being on this side of the fence, Ma’am. The ‘don’t kill unless absolutely necessary’ rule is still a work in progress for me, so I can sympathize. Back to business, there’s no way to get the rest of Rex’s body back from where my team leader donated him. Instead, I’ve got a dead American crocodile, fresh from southern Florida instead.”

  “A pity,” she commented. “The substitution will no doubt dampen the power of the augment.”

  “Yeah, but without any other dinosaurs really available for this, I had to go with a second cousin or what have you.” I mentally added the one count of poaching to the things I’d need to be covered in my pardon, assuming I ever get it. “I’m still new to all this occult stuff, but I’m well versed in the manufacturing of powerful devices. So, after trade in credit for the petrified bat, how much is this going to run me?”

  “Something with this much potential needs to be done right. The bat, and throw in another seventy-five hundred dollars.”

  I let out a low whistle. This was getting more expensive by the minute, but it was still not out of the realm of what was financially possible for me.

  “However, when the augment is completed, I can try to free your robot friend again. If I can do that, you won’t need this anymore, and we’ll call it a fair swap.”

  I sense much greed in this one.

  “Maybe. I do have some other things on my list to try with it, so we will have to see. For now, I will put together the money.”

  “Very well, Mr. Stringel,” she said. “It will be ready in two weeks.”

  Hooch was waiting for me on the boat at the dock. Instead of a motor, he used four gators as locomotion. I wouldn’t have had to go to Florida if he hadn’t objected to me offing one of his subjects. People get so sensitive about things like that.

  “How’d it go?”

  “She said it would be ready in two weeks,” I replied as we shoved off at a leisurely pace. I waited a couple of minutes before saying, “Patrice seemed pretty enthusiastic about how powerful of an augment she could make from Rex’s claw. How likely is she to double-cross me?”

  Swamp Lord reaches over the side and swirls some of the water before turning back to me. “How much is she charging?”

  “The bat plus another seven and a half. She offered to try and fix Andydroid again with it and implied that she wanted the claw if she did.”

  “Well, shit,” he said. “I guess I’d better come back with you to pick it up. If she’s offering to do something at cost, I don’t think she’s planning on parting with it. Better come ready for a fight.”

  “Yeah, I didn’t like the gleam in her eye. Well there’s a first, a woman who won’t give me the finger!”

  He laughed while letting me know what his part in all of this was going to cost me – more pulse pistols. It was cool; I had things to do in my workshop anyway.

  • • •

  “Thanks for calling me. I really appreciate it,” I yelled over the sound of my force blaster discharging. The nearest group of zombified nutria exploded into a gooey mess. “I’m having Rodentia flashbacks.”

  “After our little talk, I decided to keep an eye on her. Yeah, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” the semi-vaporous man next to me said, as a tree limb scooped me up out of the way of the horde of rodents. “You should have brought the rest of your team.”

  Patrice really does have a vermin problem! She also seems to have done something about it. “And have them blame me for this, I don’t think so!”

  Imagining the shrill voice of She-Dozer blaming me for unleashing a zombie outbreak, I figured this was best left on the sly, unless I die, in which case, I’d probably be regretting it for the rest of my shambling existence.

  The animated tree cut a swath through the army of dead animals.

  Patrice’s cackling laughter rang out. “You realize that with this, I can even challenge you, Mighty Swamp Lord.” A second tree uprooted itself, but this one wasn’t under Hooch’s control. “Let us see if you’re really the force you claim to be.”

  “This is still my swamp, Patty!”

  “But, unlike you, fool, I can leave and still be just as powerful!”

  While they exchanged pleasantries, I was trying to avoid a terminal case of splinters. The newly installed sonics in my helmet were pretty useless against zombies and, from this distance, only mildly annoying to the voodoo priestess.

  My force blasters, on the other hand, could still affect things. One of my two beams went wide right and the other plowed into the ground a few feet in front of her, sending mud flying everywhere. “This wasn’t part of the deal, Patrice!”

  Yet, people always look at me funny when I say I have trust issues.

  She scampered back behind some cover, which was a pleasant change. I’d been half expecting her to conjure some kind of shield like Rex did and mock me. So, I actually took a bit of reassurance in the fact that the traitor didn’t want be shot at.

  Another salvo was impossible because the two animated constructs began wrestling. I concluded that I was better off trying my luck with the zombie rats in the muck than getting crushed up here.

  “Leave now, Stringel, and I won’t kill you! This is between me and Hooch.”

  I tried to come up with something witty, but I was having enough problems dodging massive root balls that could cripple me.

  Not having enough juice to hit the rock Patrice was hiding behind with a full broadside, I settled for sending a level four pulse her way, which I suspected would get her attention.

  Hooch screamed in pain. Whatever she was doing hurt him directly, even in his gaseous state. His tree stumbled and splashed into the bog. I got the feeling things were beginning to shift in her favor.

  “Shoot again, Stringel, and I will kill him!” the woman warned.

  Swamp L
ord had been a decent enough friend, and besides, I needed some time to recharge my blasters.

  “That’s better,” she said, emerging from her hiding spot after a few seconds of nonviolence, and grasping the necklace with her hand. “Now drop your gauntlets.”

  “Into this muck, not happening,” I replied. “Do you have any idea how much these things cost. Let me walk over to that dry spot, over there, and I’ll do it.”

  The remaining zombie critters followed my steps closely.

  “I really must thank you, Mr. Stringel. This object is amazing. It’s at least a twelve fold augment. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Except for the fact that it belongs to me,” I said, reaching the small spot of raised land. “I guess that means you have no intention of honoring our deal?”

  Her zombies, including the boyfriend, formed a protective wall in front of her. “Well, I suppose I could reanimate you and let your corpse hold it now and then. Would that be acceptable?”

  “Well, I’m sorry it has to be this way, then,” I said. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  “What?” she demanded.

  The drone floating high above shot an arrow-like missile down at her and she dove to the side.

  “You missed!” she declared, pointing at the floating weapon.

  “I didn’t have to hit and I’m no longer standing in the water,” I said and trigger the heavy electrical charge from the drone.

  The feedback blew the drone up and I added several more thousand dollars to this lesson in dealing with the occult. The zombies around her collapsed, save for one, and the giant animated tree joined Hooch’s animated tree beastie. I was just happy I was still around to hear it and get the joke.

  Sloshing through the muck, and looking at the floating carcasses surrounding her, I made my way to where a haggard looking Swamp Lord was pulling himself together.

  “Is she dead?” he asked.

  “I’ll tell you in a minute,” I replied, and kept my blaster trained on the sole remaining zombie. He made no move to attack. Slipping one of the gauntlets into the holster on my hip, I felt for a pulse and found none. I slipped the necklace off her neck. It felt warm, and even my pathetic level of magic reacted to its presence.

  “She’s either really good at faking it, or she’s a goner.” Standing up, I step away from her and her reanimated boyfriend. “I guess she’s all yours.”

  The zombie moved forward and cradled the deceased voodoo priestess. He lifted her limp form and began a slow march into the depths of the marsh. It was a surreal scene, to say the least.

  “I’m beginning to hate magic,” Hooch growled, and joined me.

  Regarding the necklace, I saw Rex’s claw suspended inside a crystal, surrounded by crocodile blood, and who knows what else. The necklace was croc skin and decorated with teeth. It had a very savage style to it. “I can’t blame you. Do you think this thing possessed her, or was she power mad to begin with?”

  “She was always a little too eager, if you get my meaning,” Hooch said. “Maybe you ought to be careful with that thing?”

  “Sadly, I don’t think it will make me powerful enough to ever reach that level.”

  • • •

  “So, it works that well?” Stacy asks.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Instead of levitating a water bottle, I can pick up about fifty pounds and chuck it. I even managed a mage bolt with it... almost fainted afterward.”

  “And it didn’t corrupt you?”

  “Stacy,” I say, and allow a big yawn to escape. Not that I’m complaining or anything, but I didn’t sleep very much last night. “I’m about as corrupted as I usually am. Besides, I haven’t broken it out in a few weeks. I’m doing a bunch of meditation and exercises to build up the amount of magic I can do on my own.”

  “I’m already sufficiently impressed. Do you think you’ll ever need it?”

  “You never know. Nobody who knows me would ever expect me to bust out some magic. It might save my hide somewhere down the line.”

  When I yawn for a second time, she smiles and asks, “Stamina problems?”

  “Not everyone has your Olympic endurance, sweetheart. When Gabosaurus Rex goes down for her next nap, I might join her.”

  “In that case, I’m going to get going. I’d better check in and make sure my team knows I’m okay. I’m due for a week off after the members of the team who were hurt in the battle for San Francisco are back on the active roster, but I can definitely slip away this weekend and come back down here for the night. Is that all right with you?”

  I feign a lack of interest and say, “So, I’m a booty call, now?”

  “Does that bother you, Cal?” she asks, approaching me. We kiss for a few seconds while I compose a suitable answer.

  “Not in the least. I’ll be the star sixty-nine to your booty call. What?”

  “That line? Seriously?”

  “Oh, come on! That was a great line, and it’s funny on multiple levels.”

  She doesn’t seem convinced. “Anytime you have to start explaining how a joke is funny, it’s already over. Give it up.”

  With no other options, I kiss her before she can come up with more reasons why that perfectly good line didn’t resonate with her.

  After a minute or so, things are getting rather heated. Pulling away, I stare into eyes so enticing that they almost have a hypnotic quality. “I thought you were leaving?”

  Stacy winks. “You said you would take a nap when your daughter goes down for one. You seem a little more awake now. I’m guessing that’s another thirty minutes to a full hour. The question is what can we do with that time? Got any ideas?”

  “Now that you mention it, I do.”

  Chapter Seven

  Go West Young Anti-Hero

  .

  I will never say that I spent more time than usual in central command monitoring the movements of a certain Olympian. Bobby, however, has no problem telling me his thoughts on the matter.

  “She’s got you good, Strings,” he says.

  “Oh, will you please shut up!”

  That only manages to generate a round of knee slapping laughter from the big man. “See? That’s what I mean. Normally, I’d expect you to ask if I was jealous in reply, or find some other way to try and use it to get under my skin. Instead, you get all onery and indignant! Like I said, she’s got you good!”

  There is nothing that I can really say in response to that. Even giving him the finger is the same kind of inadequate.

  “I’m just worried that when she gets back to her friends she’ll realize what a colossal mistake she’s making and then rat us out to Athena and her ilk.”

  “Nah,” he says, dismissing my concerns. “I saw the way she smiles around you. When she’s up on the monitor looking pretty and all that, she’ll smile and wave to the crowd. But when she’s down here and hanging around you, well, that smile gets a whole lot bigger. I reckon if there’s one piece of advice a surly bastard like myself can offer you, it’s to not screw that up.”

  Bobby Walton, love guru and all-around thug. Also, now show-casing his skills as a spy.

  “Thanks, I guess. Just try not to worry about my love life too much, and keep your eyes open. The Apostle is a tricky son of a bitch, and he’s tied to almost everyone who is anyone. Watch your ass, Bobby.”

  “I’d look kind of foolish staring at my butt all day. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

  I start to say something, but the intruder alarm goes off and I see a hoversled landing.

  Bobby draws himself up and takes a long breath. “Well, looks like your lady friend is here. I’ll send her down when she’s done with a real man!”

  “Stay classy, Bobby.”

  • • •

  The Love Goddess enters, wearing jeans and a leather jacket. She has a bag over her shoulder and is carrying her flight helmet in her left hand. Damn she’s hot!

  “Bobby was trying to flirt with me up there... I think. Do you kn
ow why he would do that?”

  “Because he’s scrotum lint,” I answer, and give her a kiss. “Actually, I think it was his idea of a joke. Part of why no one likes his jokes except for him. How’s the superhero business?”

  “It’s a booming industry,” she says, not missing a beat. “Did you see the fight?”

  “Only the highlights and the press conference afterward. You know what would have ended the fight sooner?”

  “Me wearing my armor? Don’t start. I would have, but I had the upper torso open and was installing the fake power cell with the crystal shard you gave me when the call came in. I didn’t want delay our response, or put it back together too quickly and have something fail on me because I was sloppy.”

  Her conservative approach made sense, and unlike me, she has her own powers to fall back on, and a large team. I just wanted to see her in her armor—call me selfish, but she can make a set of armor look sexy. Frankly, I can’t pull that off.

  “Well, at least it’s installed now, and your suit can pull power from my grid.”

  I also have an alarm on that feed to let me know when the flow starts. I have to keep an eye on my girlfriend, don’t I?

  “I’d bring the suit down here, but I don’t think I can get away with it.”

  “Well, I can always meet you in the field with Megasuit and slip through the poop chute.”

  “The poop chute?”

  “It’s the largest crystal shard. I use it to get into the suit when I want to and if I need to do any repairs. Right now, I’m working on a casing to hot swap one of your front arc shield generators.”

  With Stacy’s armor, I have to make things cosmetically appear to be normal armor components, hence the fake powercell, as I’d done with the suit destroyed in California. It’s a shit I don’t have to give, with Megasuit.

  I follow her into my bedroom where she drops her bag. “Your place looks cleaner.”

  “Well, I figured I could make an effort to make my bedroom a place where two people could actually spend time together, and moved most of my clutter downstairs. I’m told it’s the little things.”