Never Did Say

by C. M. Stunich

  “How?” I ask, because Darla's disappearance is a mystery that doesn't seem to want to be solved. What would my mom do with her? Where would she take her?

  “I don't know yet, but I'm going to figure this shit out. I can't sit around and watch you all fall apart. Besides, I love the fuck out of that kid.” Ty's voice sounds strained, worried. I know what he went through in his past, watching his cousin being abused, being abused himself, and I can see that even though he's playing calm, he's terrified for Darla. I bite my lower lip. I don't think I've quite admitted to myself how scared I am, too. “But we'll find her. I know we fucking will.”

  Ty drops his mouth to mine again, fierce and powerful, the other half I've always wanted, always so desperately needed. I try to pull my hands from his grip, but he won't let me, keeping me pinned with one bandaged hand and one ringed one. He went through flames for me. Like a sign from above, my chip earring catches beneath me, tugging on my ear and reminding me about everything we've been through together, everything we've survived together.

  Ty's mouth is all pressure right now, just lips and molten hot heat. I'm already losing my head, getting swept away in him, in my addiction. Or no. No, not necessarily that. Ty and me, we just need to be close, especially right now. I arch against him, but he stays firm, keeping me pressed into the bed with sheer force, his muscles tight, keeping him up and off of my injured belly. It's enough to drive me fucking nuts. I'm not used to being denied. My libido really isn't used to being denied.

  I try to tell Ty that this is torture, but he won't let me speak, sliding his tongue across my lower lip again, eating my words away. He nips and bites at my swollen flesh as I moan against him, thrashing in his grip. When his tongue runs up the side of my face, over to my ear, I practically scream. He takes the chip earring in his teeth and tugs on it gently.

  “You're so strong, Never. It's one of the many, many things I love about you.”

  “Stop it,” I growl back at him, but he doesn't care. Ty never gives a shit about what other people think. And that, that is one of the many, many things I love about him. “You're giving me blue balls, asshole.”

  He snorts, but doesn't bother to pull away, bringing his mouth back to mine. This time he gives me all he's got – tongue and teeth and the hottest, hungriest wolfish lips.

  “I want to fuck you so bad, baby. I want to bury myself inside of you and take away all of this pain.” Ty lets go of my arms and I throw them around his neck, burying my fingers in his beautiful, black hair while he nuzzles my throat and groans low and deep. The sound travels through his chest and into me, making me shiver. When he lifts his face back to mine, sighs against my lips, I come completely undone.

  I raise up to kiss him, moaning into his mouth, drawing more sounds of desperation and desire from the man I love more than life itself. Just when I think I can't take it anymore, that I'm going to die if we don't at least try to fuck each other, I hear a knock at my door.

  Ty and I exchange a look, but he carefully untangles himself from me and pads over to answer it.

  Lorri stands in the hallway, face cloaked with tears, copper hair tangled and mussy.

  “I can't sleep without Darla,” she whispers through a half-sob. “I miss her.”

  “Aw, honey.” Ty pulls my sister into the room and helps her into the bed. “We'll find her, sweetie. I can promise you that. Here, you sleep with your sister and I'll sleep in your bed.”

  “Don't you dare leave me,” I whisper as I help Lorri climb under the covers. I point to the spot behind me. “You can sleep here.”

  “Oh trust me, love, if I could, I absolutely would. But right now, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to lay next to you and your sister thinking the things that are running through my head.” He winks at me once, kisses me quick on the lips and disappears into the hallway. We keep eye contact until the door shuts fully behind him.

  I sigh softly, releasing my feelings of sexual frustration and putting them aside for my sister. We curl up together then and fall asleep to the sound of the wind whistling across the icy ground outside my window.

  And all I dream about is Ty.

  22

  Week two of no Darla, and it's starting to feel like the new year is bust, like there's no point in even trying to make resolutions or change things, no point in trying to smile or pretending to be happy. It's past the point where we're certain our late mother has just dropped her off somewhere and starting to get to the point where we all know something is wrong.

  “I passed out all the flyers,” Ty says as I stare down at the silent telephone on the kitchen table and wonder if we'll ever get a call – from the police, from an old family friend, from anyone at all really. The cops have a tip line set up, but nobody's called in except once when India made the mistake of taking Maple to the grocery store with her. Somebody saw them and tore my niece from my sister's arms, convinced she was Darla.

  Told you we all look alike.

  “I swear, at this point, I feel like I've met everybody in this town at least once. The lady at the dry cleaner's, the one with the bright pink hair and the cowboy boots, man, she must be at least ninety years old and she won't stop pinching my ass.”

  “Actually,” I say, smiling despite myself. “She turned a hundred last year. It was the top story on the town's website.”

  “This watering hole has a website?” Ty asks, looking down at me and cupping the side of my face in firm but gentle fingers. I know he knows that my smile is fake, that if I had dimples like him they wouldn't be showing right about now.

  “Welcome to Podunk, USA,” I say with another sigh. My smile disappears and all I can think about is Darla and the ripple effects of her missing from our lives. Beth is trashed; India is broken; Zella won't stop sleeping in her car. Every night, after she thinks we're all asleep, Jade goes downstairs and sits by our mother's makeshift grave. I can see her from my window, lips moving as she carries on a silent conversation with a ghost. It's sad, but I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

  All I can do is this.

  I've made a website for Darla, a Facebook page, even a Twitter. I've spoken to every missing child advocacy agency in the state, maybe the country. I call the police station at least three times a day, even if I'm sure there's nothing to report. I've even gone through every piece of paper in the house, called every phone number I could find, tracked down every person. And last night, Ty and I stopped over at the Broken Glass, that shit hole scum dwelling bar, and waited outside for Luis. We even followed him back to his place and watched him go inside from the street. When the lights went dark, Ty slipped out and broke in – a trick he says he learned back in the day, when it was survival of the fittest – and looked around.

  No Darla.

  “You feelin' okay?” Ty asks, making pouty lips at me because he knows I'm going to get defensive. I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I can't help it. I've been taking care of myself for so long that sometimes it just feels wrong to let someone else do it for me.

  I splay my fingers out across midsection. With Darla's very real and very obvious absence, I haven't had a chance to think much about the missing twin in my belly. I wonder if Ty and I will tell our new child that they had another half? Not anytime soon, of course, but later.

  “The doctor said I was,” I mumble as he leans down and grabs the seat of my chair, pulling it out from under the table and turning it, so he can look me right in the face. Ty leans in close, the bracelets on his arms ringing like bells, and breathes against my ear.

  “No bullshit, Nev. I almost lost you.” Ty's trying to keep his voice light, but he chokes a little when he says this. I can't even imagine what he must've gone through while I was in surgery. I've tried asking him about it, but the pale color of his skin and the sweat that beads on his forehead usually deters me from delving very deep into it. “I want to know everything. I want to know how many times you took a piss today, if you threw up, what you ate. Everything.”

  “Are you tryin
g to get all alpha male on my ass?” I joke, leaning back and giving him a look. “Because you know I don't respond well to that shit. When I said I liked bad boys, I meant rock stars and erotic dancers, not CEOs and motorcycle club presidents.”

  Ty laughs, but the sound is restrained, like we're in a padded room and the walls are absorbing all the noise. That's how the whole house feels actually. Stuffy. Desperate. Afraid.

  “If that's a hint, then I totally didn't need it. Check this out.”

  Ty stands up and moves over to the window seat. He'd dropped a cloth shopping bag there on his way in, the one he'd used to hold all the flyers, but I didn't think much of it. Now, when he returns to me, I see there's something inside.

  “Open it,” he says, eyes sparkling. He's too cute with his brown eyes and crooked smile, so I do what he asks and find an eReader, a brand spanking new one.

  “Ty, this is too much,” I say, but he's already shaking his head.

  “Nothing is too much except maybe my love for you. There's so much of it that I'm literally exploding.” He pats his chest and tosses me a wink right about the same moment that India walks in.

  “Please don't talk about exploding on my sister in front of me.”

  Ty just laughs and moves away like the gift means nothing, but me? I have to blink rapidly to clear away tears. I won't cry over something as silly as this, not when Darla's out there alone. But Ty must've used the very, very last of his fuck money to buy me this because he knew I needed a distraction.

  I feel my heart start to pound and my mouth go dry.

  I love him.

  Oh God, I love him.

  More than I can even define by the laws of nature. After all, infinite is an impossible concept, isn't it?

  “Any news?” India asks, tucking her long copper hair behind one ear. Her hazel eyes are sparkling, and her voice hitches with so much hope that I almost wish I could lie to her, tell her we've had a promising lead come through.

  Instead I shake my head no.

  The kitchen goes silent for a while as I run my fingers over the eReader's box, wishing all I had to care about right now was being pregnant and diving into a good book. Honestly, all I really want to do is dive into one anyway, let myself get lost in another world so I can forget how harsh around the edges this one can be sometimes.

  At least I have Ty. He's my blur tool, the button I can click to smooth out all the sharp lines and breaks in life, make everything look soft and fuzzy even if it's not.

  I check out his ass while he digs around in the cabinets looking for something to eat. Considering he's the only person 'round here that's done any shopping, I feel like I should be making something for him. Bastard that he is, he won't let me. I keep telling him his 'white knight' is starting to show.

  “Mac 'n' cheese, mac 'n' cheese, or mac 'n' cheese?” Ty asks, glancing over his shoulder. “That's pretty much all we have left. I didn't have time to stop at the store today.” I shake my head because I hate how much responsibility has been heaped on him lately, afraid that he's going to stumble or trip or fall. It's not that I think he's weak or anything. No, not at all. Ty and me, we were never weak. It's just … this is a lot for anyone to have to deal with, let alone someone who's just starting to learn to be a real person again.

  “Mac 'n' cheese is perfect,” I tell him, and I mean it, too.

  India slumps into a chair beside me.

  “We have to go back to school tomorrow,” she says, sweeping her hair back and grabbing the sides of her face. “I don't know how I'm going to sit there all day and not think about Darla.”

  “Leave the worrying to me,” I tell her, reaching out and peeling her fingers away from her cheek. “Concentrate on school, and I'll find our sister.”

  “What about you?” she asks suddenly, making my stomach queasy. “Aren't you supposed to be going back to school, too?”

  I pause for a moment and think about the U, about living with Lacey and going to class and meeting Ty for the first time. I get all twisted and tongue-tied until I can't even think up a single decent thing to say.

  I met you in a bar. We stopped a robbery together. We got tested. We went to SOG.

  We fell in love.

  “We're enrolled for Spring term. Doesn't start until the end of March,” Ty says, reaching into his back pocket like he's going for a cigarette. Thing is, he doesn't have any. As far as I know, Ty has gone completely cold turkey with me.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask, because the closest university is almost two hours away. Locally, there's nothing but the community college. And besides, getting in as a new student during spring term is almost impossibly difficult.

  “I wrote a letter to the dean of admissions explaining your situation.”

  I blink several times and curl my fingers up inside the sleeve of my black hoodie. I have to, to hide the shaking.

  “What? When the hell would you have time to do all that?”

  “While you were sleeping,” Ty says, turning around with a piece of red licorice between his lips, like it's the cigarette I'm sure he's dreaming about. “Remember when I was ordering your transcripts? Well, I sent the email off right before that. So, guess what, baby? You're in.” Ty snaps his ringed fingers. “Oh, and they've got a very impressive online class catalogue.” He eyes my still flat belly. “You know, in case you're not able to make it to campus.”

  I'm just sitting there staring, openmouthed and in complete shock.

  “What about you?” India asks, glancing over at him. Ty shrugs like it doesn't matter, but I see a spark of determination in his eyes, and it is beyond brilliant.

  “I'm actually going to go to the community college first, get my general ed shit out of the way. I already filled out my FAFSA,” Ty says, giving me a wink. If he's like me – which I know he is – then he's remembering the first time I ever mentioned that to him. Free Application for Federal Student Aid.

  I feel like we're coming full circle and it's breathtaking. If only Darla were here to share it with us. Darla, Darla, Darla.

  Fuck.

  “I've got some good grants and whatnot, work study and all that. They even have a daycare there that I can use for free if I put in some hours.”

  “You've really got your shit together, huh?” India asks at the same moment Ty's cell buzzes. He fishes it out of his pocket with a perplexed expression on his face. Understandable since the only people that call him are Beth and Lacey. The former is curled upstairs in bed, processing the news that both the sweep of the pond at Noah's cabin, and the massive community walkthrough of the forest uncovered nothing. I took it as a good sign, elated to hear that my sister's body wasn't sitting in the bottom of a lake or lying in the woods somewhere, but Beth was still upset.

  And Lacey, I know she and Ty talked just a few hours ago. So who is it?

  I watch Ty's face shift from confused to enraged within a matter of seconds.

  “Who is it?” I ask him, desperate to know, terrified to find out.

  He looks up at me, butterfly fingers clutching the phone, brown eyes flashing.

  “It's Hannah.”

  23

  Ty holds a cigarette in bejeweled fingers, bracelets clinking as he brings it to his lips for a drag. His left hand holds his cell and his booted foot taps out a rhythm of discontent on the porch. I stand to his left, just in front of the screen door, keeping an eye out for eavesdroppers.

  “Sorry about the smoke,” he says, gazing down at the burning cherry with a frown plastered across his perfect lips. I shake my head and pull Ty's coat closer around me. It smells like him, like bad boys and hearts that were once broken but are now healed. Ty's scent. It comforts me now just as it did at the clinic all those many months ago.

  “With all of this stress, I'm surprised you even lasted this long.” He looks over at me with a ghostly smile hovering above his mouth, like he wishes he could be happy but can't. It makes me sad. And frustrated. And so mad that I feel like I could march upstairs to my m
om's old bedroom, take the shotgun that's in her closet, and go take care of Hannah forever.

  Hannah.

  My mouth twists down in a scowl. That fucking pedophile. Here. In my town. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. As far as I'm concerned, she raped Ty. It's at least partially her fault that he had to go through all of that shit. She is at fault for the whole Marin Rice thing. Her. I fucking hate her so much I can barely breathe.

  “Only one, I swear,” Ty says lifting up both palms in a sign of surrender. He looks over at me, but there's something missing in his gaze, a vacancy that I can't and won't put up with.

  “Why is she here, Ty?” I ask, but he's already shaking his head.

  “I don't know,” he admits, tapping some ash into the glass tray next to him. He's shaking a little bit, and I'm not sure if it's the cold or not. Sure, his arms are bare, both sleeves of tattoos gleaming in the stark winter air, but is the icy wind enough to cause goose bumps like that? “Obviously, she's fucked in the head, showing up at our house and all that.”

  He breathes out a big breath, the warmth clouding in the air like fog.

  “She's stalking you then,” I say, but Ty is already gazing out across the front yard, towards the rarely traveled road that passes in front of the property, at the trail on the other side that leads to the playground where we made love once.

  “Maybe.”

  “No, not maybe,” I say, moving over to stand in front of him, breaking his endless stare. “She is stalking you. There's no way her being in town is just a coincidence.”

  I reach down and grab Ty's cell, gazing at the message and wondering how the fuck she got his number in the first place. I know he never gave it to her, so how? By stalking, that's how. Stupid bitch.

  in town. meet @ bar? broken glass i think its called. i know u don't lk me but we have to tlk. Pls reply. Hannah.

  And then she has the audacity to put a winky face emoticon. Really? Like, really, bitch? What part about all of this does she think is okay? Raping a thirteen year old boy? Pushing him into the sex trade? Stalking him as a man?