Forget Me Never

by M J Rutter

  “You think that you are the only one who loved him?” she frowned. “I loved him too, I had loved him since bloody school, you had him for five minutes, Grace, you loved him for five minutes, I have loved him my whole sodding life.” She roared.

  “Yes, well, at least he loved me back which is more than I can say for you.”

  “You are right, Alec didn’t love me, he never loved me, but it didn’t stop me loving him.” She sat forward. “Grace, Alec died.”

  “I know.” I swallowed.

  “Alec died and he is gone, not hearing his will can’t change that. Hiding in this house can’t change that. Its crap, it is not fair and God knows, I wish is wasn’t the truth, but it is. He is gone, Grace and nothing we do or say now will make it better. People’s lives are hanging in the balance because of his will, it can’t be honoured until it has been read and as his next of kin, you are the only person they will allow to organise it.”

  “I… can’t.”

  “He told me you were strong and independent, he told me that one of the things he loved about you was the fact that you were rarely afraid, and yet here you are, hiding in this house, you look pale and I know this is not good for the baby.” She heaved a sigh, “He wouldn’t want this, he wouldn’t. He’d want you to take care of things, the adhere to his wishes. You are letting him down, Grace.”

  “How dare you,” I roared. “You walk in here like you own the place. You don’t tell me what to do, you are not my boss or even my friend. Just who do you think you are?”

  “I am one of Alec’s closest friends and I am looking out for him.” She stood from the couch, “Suck it up, Grace, acting like this isn’t going to bring him back. He is dead and you can’t even do the one thing he wanted.”

  “Get out,” I screamed.

  “No,” she frowned.

  “Get out of my house.” I ordered.

  “You don’t know that it’s your house, you haven’t heard the will,” she retorted. “This is still my friend’s house and as far as I am concerned, I have more right to be here than you.”

  “Fine, I’ll call them,” I said marching to the phone. I dialled the number on the card and spoke with his solicitor, Barry Constantine. We agreed a will hearing for the following week, he promised to notify the beneficiaries, and I hung up the phone. “There, it’s done, next Wednesday at one and then I never want to see you again.”

  “I’ll let Jake know,” she muttered and lifted her jacket. “Thank you, Grace.”

  “Just go, please.” I grumbled.

  “If they were my wedding pictures, I’d want to see them.”

  “Well they’re not your pictures, are they? They are mine and I will bloody well look at them when I am good and ready.”

  “Okay,” she muttered and walked out to the hall, I followed to make sure she left. “The last thing I wanted was to upset you, Grace, Alec would kill me for that and you have already been through so much. I only wanted to let you to know that I am concerned for you, we may not be friends, but I thought that maybe one day we could be.”

  “The way I feel about you right now; I wouldn’t hold my breath.” I snarled and pulled open the front door.

  She stepped forward to leave, “One other thing, when are you going to scatter his ashes?”

  “I don’t know,” I frowned swallowing my emotion down.

  “Fine,” she sighed, “I’ll see you Wednesday.” I didn’t respond, I just slammed the door shut, allowing it to bang loudly, echoing throughout the house.

  I took the box from the photographer’s and put it up in Alec’s office. Setting on his desk next to the pile of his mail that I couldn’t bring myself to open. I gazed at the pictures of Scarlett and Paige that he had plastered all over the walls.

  I left his office with a heavy heart as I always did, knowing he used to sit in his chair and work in that room hurt too much to stay for long. As I came down the stairs, the phone began to ring in the living room. I answered it,

  “Hello?”

  “Grace, its Kim…” we talked for a while, she asked how my pregnancy was going, hinting that working for her was become too much of a struggle. She never asked when I was returning, but I knew she wanted to know. I explained that the will was being read Wednesday and I was hoping to return to work the week after. I didn’t want to go back and face them all, but I suppose Camilla was right, I had to stop hiding.

  The sun beamed through the windows of David’s car as we drove across London. I didn’t want to take the tube. I also wanted to show David that even though Alec was gone, he still had a job driving me if he wanted it.

  We arrived at the office of Blackwater, Constantine and Ware’s Solicitors. I gazed up at the building and frowned.

  “I’ll park the car, Mrs Richards and then I will join you.” David said.

  “Yes, of course,” I nodded. Alec liked David a lot and it didn’t surprise me to hear that he would also benefit from the will.

  Lance met me from the lift and we walked the long corridor to join the others. Brian, Miles and Camilla stood by the window of the waiting room. As soon as Emily noticed me, she raced over and threw her arms around me. Jake, another man and two women from the office were sat on seats and as I stood beside Lance, a door opened in front of us.

  “Mrs Richards?” he asked. I nodded and stepped forward. He was about Alec’s size with dark brown hair and light blue eyes. He didn’t look old enough to be a partner in a firm, but then Alec was only young too. “If you could all follow me please?” he asked and we followed him to a large room. In the middle sat a huge table with chairs surrounding it. “Take a seat,” he told us. David hurried into the room and sat with Jake and his associates.

  I sat in between Jake and Lance, both were very good friends with Alec and I don’t know why, but I felt comfortable sitting between them. Emily and Mark sat beside the and as I gazed around the room, I could clearly see that no one really wanted to be there.

  Mr Constantine placed a folder on the table in front of him. “Thank you all for coming at such short notice, I realise this is rather painful for you all, but it is a formality that needs to be finalised.” He opened the folder and smiled slightly, “Shall we begin?” a few grumbles came from around the table.

  We listened intently to Alec’s wishes. His first wish was for his business was to continue under the directive of Jacob Hammond and William Summers, the other man that had come from the office. For the two females that had come, Sharon and Hayley, he wanted them to take the lead at the Oxford branch which was in the final stages of opening. For Emily and Mark, he left a ridiculous amount of money and for Scarlett and Paige, he had set them both up with a trust, in plain terms, they would never have to worry about money.

  He also left money to Lance, Brian, Miles, Camilla, Heidi and Amelie, all benefitting from Alec’s wealth. Money, shares and bonds. A number of charities that Alec supported also received generous donations. David was given enough to retire from his job early and he got to keep the Mercedes. I was pleased for him, but I would miss having a driver, especially since I had only just got used to having one. I sat and listened, as he read out the will almost hearing his voice.

  “Grace,” Jake whispered resting his hand on my arm, “are you okay?” I frowned and looked at him, my face felt wet, I didn’t realize it, but I had started to cry.

  I brushed away my tears and pressed my hand on my stomach. My nausea was raging again and all I wanted was to go home. Mr Constantine’s words caught my attention when he said,

  “Finally, for my beautiful wife, Grace. You will never know how happy you made me, whether this is after only a few years or sixty, know this, I will always love you, wherever you are and whatever you do. I want you to be happy, above everything else. I don’t know if we have been blessed with children, but I do know that if we are, you are a wonderful mother and it only makes me love you more. There is a trust I set up for our future children, I hope it is needed.

  For you, I leave everythin
g else, it’s all yours. Everything I own including Maria’s Meadow, you know how much I loved it there and when you go there, I want you to smile and remember the day I asked you to marry me, how we laughed and talked in the sun. Hold on to that, sweetheart, because I know I will. I love you so much, thank you for making me the happiest man alive. If you haven’t managed to live your dream of owning a publishing company yet, I truly hope you use this to help you start your dream. Remember my love, I want you to live, to really live. I’ll remain forever yours, Grace, all my love, Alec.” I looked at Mr Constantine. “There are also two life insurance policies he had taken out, one was for three million and the other for two. Obviously there are probate rules and fees, but everything will be released within the next few months. Just one other matter,” he said and placed a small jewellery box in front of me. “I believe this is yours.” He said. I opened the box, it was the beautiful bracelet that he had bought for me in San Francisco. Underneath the chain there was a small folded piece of paper, I opened it and it read,

  ‘Forever yours, A.R.’

  I folded the paper and placed back inside of the box, closed the lid and placed it into my bag. Mr Constantine said he would be back with some papers for everyone to sign and as he left, Emily came over to me,

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I swallowed. “Are you?”

  “I haven’t been okay since the day my baby brother was stolen from us,” her eyes filled with tears. “I have been a terrible sister-in-law to you, Grace and I can only apologise for being so selfish. You look so thin and pale and I know you are not looking after yourself. Just remember that baby didn’t ask for this and deserves the best chance. Please, I am begging you, start looking after yourself.”

  “I am, it’s just I feel sick all of the time and with not sleeping…” I frowned. “Okay, I promise.” I nodded.

  After everything was signed, Mr Constantine handed me a copy of the will, he said that as there was a personal message in it, I should at least have a copy. We all said our goodbyes and David said he would be at the car. After hugging Mark and Emily, Jake and Lance walked me down to the car. Lance opened the door and smiled slightly,

  “Take care of yourself, Grace.”

  “I will try,” I promised. “Listen, the house is quite lonely, so if either of you are at a loss as to what to do, please pop in, I’ll even make you a cuppa.”

  “Of course,” Lance said and hugged me briefly.

  “I’d be honoured.” Jake added.

  I made a promise to myself to pull my act together and get on with living, just as Alec had told me to. It didn’t mean that I had forgotten about him, I just couldn’t go on living like an empty shell, a corpse. For the sake of our baby, I had to take better care and I had to get back to living.

  At night I allowed myself to miss him, to let the walls I kept up during the day to fall and the pain of losing him to smother me once more. I don’t like to admit as each week passed, the pain became more bearable. I had returned to work and attended all of my appointments with the mid-wife. My bank balance was almost laughable, I had never had so much money, but I still worked and only spent my wages. Alec’s money sat in my account ready for when the baby arrived.

  In early September I was almost four months pregnant and I woke early one Saturday after dreaming about Alec. We were in our meadow and he was pleading me to let him go, to let him have peace. I didn’t know what he meant in the dream, but as soon as I woke, I did.

  I dressed and headed out to the car after packing a few things into a bag. I hadn’t driven a car in months and although I did get insurance on Alec’s Cayenne, I was a bit anxious in driving it.

  I was on the motorway before six, so the roads were reasonably quiet. When I got to the services just outside of Oxford I phoned Emily and asked her to meet me at her parent’s grave.

  I parked the car in front of the church and climbed out. Emily, dressed in a tracksuit, jammed her hands into her pocket as I approached with Alec’s ashes in my arms.

  “Are you sure you are ready for this?” she asked.

  “No, but I have to do it.” I replied. “It’s what Alec wanted.”

  “Let’s go then.” She said and led me to the grave.

  As soon as I got there it suddenly felt wrong, this is not what he wanted. “He doesn’t want this,” I frowned.

  “How do you know?” she asked.

  “I don’t know, I just do.” I turned around and looked back at the car. “I know where he wants to be.” I walked back towards the car, “Come on,” I said to her.

  Driving a little further up the road my heart filled with pain, but memories of that amazing day filled my head and before I even stopped the car by the stile, my eyes were already filled with tears.

  We climbed out and Emily lifted Alec’s ashes, bringing them to the edge of the meadow. The flowers were more like seed pods and the grass had turned yellow. But it was still our meadow and when the summer came again, the flowers would bloom and in them, Alec would bloom also.

  “Are you sure, Grace?” she asked as we climbed over.

  “This was his most favourite place in the world.” I nodded in certainty, “This is exactly where he’d want to be. Plus, when this little one gets here, I can bring her here and she can play with her cousins.”

  “You’re having a girl?” she asked with tears in her eyes.

  “I don’t know,” I shook my head. “It just feels like I am having a girl.”

  “Well, Scarlett and Paige would be so happy if you did.”

  We arrived at about the area where Alec and I sat down and he asked me to move in with him. I brushed away a tear as the light wind rustled the dry grass. Emily handed me the urn and I removed the lid.

  “Are you ready?” Emily checked.

  “I think so,” I admitted.

  I turned the urn on its side and watched as grey ash began to fall and scatter over the ground. Some of the ash caught in the wind and wisped away, dancing across the meadow. As I emptied the urn, with tears streaming down my face, I felt a little bit lighter, the burden lifting from my soul. As if holding Alec in that urn was crushing me from within. Alec was finally free to rest in the afterlife and all I could do now was live my life to the fullest. I owed him at least that.

  Epilogue

  It’s a sunny fifth of July, I arrive at our meadow with Emily, Mark, Scarlett and Paige. Holding my hand as we cross the bright, green grass, dotted with flowers and butterflies, is our daughter Izabelle. She is almost two and the spit of her father. She has his curly, blonde hair and huge, brown eyes, his contagious laugh and his heart melting smile. She is my life now, she is all I need and I am happy being her mother because that’s all I want to be.

  Camilla and Brian married earlier in the summer and they are sat on a picnic blanket waiting for us. Jake and his wife Crystal are setting out food and Lance is playing football with Miles and his son. My mum and dad are here for a few days and Elisa and Warren have made the three thousand mile trip to be here.

  Now fourteen and a lot taller, Scarlett carries the cake she made for her Uncle Alec whom she misses every day, we all do. Each in our own way. Emily stopped smoking and Mark is now a school governor, they are doing okay. Now when she gets upset about the loss of her family, she comes here, the Maria’s Meadow.

  It took a lot for me to sell Alec’s house and move to Abingdon, but I am happier living near his family, feeling as though I have more of a purpose in life has helped me and I thank God every day for my life. Yes, my heart has been broken, nothing and no one will ever replace the love that Alec showed me and right now, I am happy with that. I lost Alec, but from it I got a new kind of love and our little girl brings me so much joy.

  Today, Alec would have been thirty, it seems such a waste that he was taken and I will never forgive Gerald for the damage he caused us. His life sentence will never be enough to atone for what he did.

  As we each hold a blue balloon in a circle, we stand
silently, remembering Alec and how he touched our lives. He is missed and he is loved still as much, I just pray that he is at peace and with his parents. That’s all I can hope for now.

  Alec showed me how to love and be loved, he taught me how to take a chance on love and then, as our perfect, happy ever after was snatched away from us, I have to believe that the reason Alec came into my life was to show me, that love is good, love can heal and love will survive anything.

  Paige and Scarlet count to three and we let the balloons go, they float up to a cloudless sky. I watch them until they disappear. Emily hugs me and mum insists we come and eat. Izabelle squeals at the sight of the balloons all flying off together and claps her hands. It makes us all chuckle, Alec would have adored his daughter, in fact, I feel he does.

  I take a deep breath and allow the sun to warm my face, on the breeze I swear that I hear the words,

  “I love you, Grace.”

  “I love you too,” I mutter, “I always will.”

  I was asked a few months after his death, had I known what would have happened, would I have still had the relationship with him. Would I have still loved him, married him and then lost him? And I answered in all certainty, too bloody right I would.

  Alec did so much for me in the few months we were together. Not only did he show me a love greater than I could have ever imagined, he left me with the most precious gift in the world, our daughter, to love, cherish and to nurture for the rest of my life.

  I still miss him so much, but Izabelle smiles and the pain dissipates, for in her smile and her eyes, I see Alec, and those are the parts of him I truly loved the most, who wouldn’t want that?