My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy

by Tracy Hewitt Meyer

  Just as my fingers brushed against the soft cotton, someone knocked on the door.

  “ROWAN? IT’S me.” My lungs deflated and my shoulders fell. Jess’ knock and words woke me from my trance. “Rowan, open up.”

  I was still wearing only the boots and my underwear so I threw on my robe and yanked opened the door. Jess breezed in, her oil-slicked hair falling down around her face, the blonde roots a runway down her scalp.

  “Why aren’t you dressed?” She shoved the shoes off the bed and lay down on top of the pile of clothes.

  “I’m working on it.” I clenched and unclenched my fingers, still yearning for the coolness of the steel.

  “You okay?” Jess’ blue eyes narrowed, her thick glasses falling down her nose.

  I slumped to the floor. Defeated. Deflated. I had come so far. How could I go back there? To cutting? To lying? To covering up? If I didn’t stop, I’d carve up my entire body before I hit twenty.

  I studied Jess as she looked at me. Jess was my best friend. She never judged me. Ever. But I couldn’t talk to her about this. Not yet. Maybe never.

  “Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just been a long couple of days.”

  “Uh-huh. I’m sure.”

  I picked at my cuticle and pulled a hanging piece of skin from the side of my nail. A bubble of blood appeared, and I smeared it with my thumb. “Yeah. I mean, I guess. When does Paul get back?”

  She shrugged and started picking at her own cuticles. “I haven’t heard from him.”

  “You haven’t heard from Paul? Is he okay?”

  She shrugged and started chewing the side of her nail. “I haven’t heard from him,” she repeated. “It’s weird, ya know?” She flipped onto her back and stared at the ceiling.

  “What’s weird?” I got up and rummaged through the clothes, making an effort to keep my voice steady and normal.

  “I don’t know. Everything, I guess.”

  “Being pregnant?” I asked, trying to lure the thoughts out of her head so they could replace my own.

  “Yeah. I guess. I mean…I don’t know.” She flipped back to her stomach and yanked her glasses off. She rubbed her eyes until she peered at me from red, swollen lids. “So get dressed already. Or don’t you want to go downstairs? We could hang up here all night. I don’t mind if we miss the par-tay. We could sneak out and go get something to eat. I’m starving.”

  “Nah.” I grabbed a pair of my old, pre-Anderson jeans and my old blue hoodie. “We’ll go. He’s leaving tomorrow. If I don’t see him tonight then what? Summer? Spring soccer season will start soon and then there’s no hope of a visit with all the games they play.”

  “Are you going to school tomorrow?”

  “Of course. Aren’t you?”

  She shrugged. Jess didn’t share my sentiment that college was the meal ticket out of here. “Yeah. Sure.” She spit a fingernail onto the floor.

  “Gross.”

  She laughed. “I know.”

  The tingling was gone from my fingers. I exhaled, the whoosh of breath mixing with the distant sound of voices downstairs. Jess burst out laughing again.

  “What?” I demanded, putting my hands on my hips, ignoring the sharp points of my bones.

  “You look like a freak show.”

  I glanced down at my scuffed black boots and my short white robe. I started to giggle, low at first, until I burst out laughing. Soon we were laughing so hard I fell onto the bed beside her, gasping for breath.

  “What’s going on in there?” Mike pounded on the door, making us laugh even harder.

  “I hope you’re decent because I’m coming in.”

  I was laughing so hard I couldn’t protest. Mike threw open the door and stood in the doorway, dressed in pressed khakis and a navy blue polo shirt. His mouth fell open when he saw us on the bed, clutching each other, tears running down our faces.

  “What on earth is wrong with the two of you?” But he started laughing, too. He held out a hand to each of us and we sat up, wiping our faces.

  “You two are crazy. Everyone’s here. Are you guys coming down or are you planning to stay up here all night? Rowan, you might want to put on some clothes.”

  My robe had fallen open at the waist. I scrambled to fix it before it exposed anything I didn’t want it to.

  “I’ll be right there. I just have to change.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

  “Okay.” He walked to the door then turned back to us. “I like the boots, Rowan. You should wear them tonight. They’re more…you.”

  He closed the door with a click.

  “YOU SURE you want to go down there?” She wove her arm through mine. “We could just walk out the front door.”

  “I wish.” Thud. Thud. Thud went our boots as we walked down the stairs. “But Mike is leaving tomorrow. If I don’t see him tonight, I don’t know when I’ll see him again.”

  “Good point, I guess. Why don’t you skip school and go to his game?”

  We stopped at the bottom stair, the voices of a house full of people filling the air. Why couldn’t I miss a few days of school? I hadn’t missed any this year. My grades were good. I was either going to get into the colleges to which I applied or I wasn’t. The next three days wouldn’t make a difference.

  “No. I can’t.”

  “Why not? It’s not like it matters now.” Jess bent down several inches to look me in the eye.

  Instead of meeting her gaze, I scanned the living room. Three church ladies sat side-by-side on the sofa, clutching teacups and staring at the opposite wall. They didn’t turn at the sound of our voices.

  “Ro?” Jess yanked on my arm. “Why don’t you just go?”

  The thought left a bad taste in my mouth, like I had just swallowed a sour piece of apple. “No. I need to go to school.”

  “Oh yeah? Why?”

  If a gaze could burn through layers of skin, Jess’ would have. When laughter erupted from the kitchen, I pulled her forward. “Let’s go.” I didn’t hear Mike’s familiar laugh within that outburst, but he was down here somewhere and my stomach did flips thinking about seeing him.

  When we walked into the kitchen, I found who I was looking for. Mike was standing by the counter talking to his dad and his high school soccer coach. He was leaning against the granite with his feet crossed at the ankle, his broad shoulders relaxed, arms sluggishly crossed over his hard stomach. Without realizing it, I pulled my lip between my teeth to keep myself from letting out a squeal. Seeing him back in this house was just about the best sight I could imagine.

  He glanced up when Jess and I walked in. A grin pulled his lips wide. He threw a hand up and waved. The smile disappeared as swiftly as it appeared, and he turned back to his dad and coach.

  I stayed there, rooted in the doorway, waiting on him to tell his dad and coach that he’d talk to them later; waiting on him to come to me. Instead, they walked outside without a backward glance.

  “Why didn’t he come over here?” Jess demanded.

  “He’s been anxious to see his coach.” There was no point mentioning they’d spent the morning together.

  Mrs. Anderson was laughing at the other end of the counter with a couple of Mike’s friends. I knew almost everyone there. Most were his old soccer teammates and their girlfriends who’d I’d gotten to know over the summer. I waved to a few who called out my name.

  His friend, Jonathan, popped out of his seat and strolled over. “Hey girls.” He leaned a shoulder against the wall and smiled at Jess.

  “Hi, Jon,” I said, to mask the silent treatment Jess was giving him. She had less than zero interest in high school boys.

  “Hey, Ro.” Jon kept his gaze on Jess but steered his words in my direction. “So, bummer that he has to leave so soon, but I’m sure the two of you have a blast when you go up to visit. Having his own place and all.” His thick brown brows were raised high, and he still hadn’t looked at me.

  Jess folded her arms and huffed.

  “Um, yeah. It’s great,” I
said.

  “You do get to go up, right? You know for a little quiet time?” When Jonathan said quiet time he leaned down and dropped his voice to a whisper, his dark eyes flashing with all the perverted thoughts that were rolling through his head. He let out a soft chuckle that grated against my nerves and made me want to put on more clothes.

  What I didn’t tell him was that I had only visited Mike once and that was on a trip with his parents so I stayed in the hotel room with them. There was no quiet time that weekend. I also didn’t tell him that Mike hadn’t gone to great lengths to invite me up for a visit.

  True I was busy—I had work, school, etc. But Mike was always busy with games, studying, parties. Only once had he mentioned me coming up for a party that his fraternity was throwing. Except it was a weekend when Janie was out of town, and I had to work.

  “Jon!” Someone from the other side of the room called his name.

  He pushed off the wall and stood. “Well, ladies, it was nice chatting with you. Rowan, good to see you again.” For the first time since he came to pay us a visit, Jon pulled his eyes from Jess and looked down at me. It only lasted a second. “Jess, call me sometime.” He winked, seemingly oblivious that Jess hadn’t said one word to him.

  “High school guys are so creepy.” Jess snarled her lip. “I much prefer an older man.”

  Mike was still outside with his dad and coach, only now he had been joined by two girls I didn’t know. They weren’t from school—ours wasn’t so large that I didn’t at least recognize everyone, even if I didn’t know their names. These girls were tall with long blonde hair that fell down their backs. Even from this distance, I could see heavy eye makeup, tight jeans jutting out from under their designer coats, and long, slim legs filling the denim in a way my skinny ones never did.

  Suddenly, one of the girls burst into laughter so loud, I could hear it all the way in the kitchen. She doubled over and as giggles trailed the outburst like little bells, she put a hand on Mike’s arm.

  “I think I’m ready to go,” I managed.

  “I think that’s a good idea,” Jess agreed.

  Just as I grabbed her elbow to dart back upstairs, someone came up behind me and threw their arms around my neck, nearly choking me. “Hey, Sis!” Trina planted a wet kiss on my cheek, making me cringe and my insides scream.

  I wrenched myself free. “Trina, what are you doing here?”

  Trina lifted a shoulder then dropped it—the whatever move she’d perfected over the years. “I came with Jennifer. She’s dating Brandon now.” Brandon was on the high school soccer team and had played with Mike last year.

  Trina popped her gum, and I was hit with a blast of minty breath. “So what? You know this party kinda sucks. A little lame with the old ladies. I mean, who invited them? Seriously, geriatric town in the house!” Her words burst out of her mouth in rapid-fire. “I mean, seriously. And only soda to drink? Is he in college or what? Couldn’t he provide something a little,” she leaned toward us, “stronger?” She popped the gum, and her eyes darted around the room.

  Trina had on skin-tight black jeans that barely covered her butt and a loose-fitting top that fell off the shoulder showing a purple bra strap underneath. Blonde hair fell down her back in a golden sheet. Her lipstick was pink and her eye makeup was heavy and slightly smudged. The smell of pungent perfume quickly replaced the smell of her gum. But it was her large pupils and fast talk that left my brows pursed.

  “What are you on, Trina?”

  “Huh?” Her head was whipping around the room, turning from one corner to the next and back again.

  “Trina, are you high?”

  She shrugged and screamed the name of her friend, “Jennifer! I’m over here.”

  Her friend, the only one I think she had, waved and winked from the corner of the room where she huddled with Brandon, her hand rubbing a path over his chest. He had his hand on the back of her jeans, one finger hooked through her belt loop. She flashed Trina a thumbs-up and Trina turned back to me. “You’re too skinny, Ro. You look like a skeleton again.”

  “Go to hell,” Jess seethed.

  Trina glared at Jess, but her expression was back to peaches and cream and bright eyes when she turned to me. “Why don’t you come by the house tomorrow after school? Dad is dying to see you. Gran can make dinner. You know. Just like old times when she used to come over and you know, pick up the slack from Mom. Chicken and dumplings, spaghetti, steak. I don’t know. I mean, whatever you want. She misses you terribly.” Her voice oozed with fake drama. She started to bounce up and down on her feet.

  When Hell freezes over was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn’t say it. Whatever she was on, there was no point talking to her. “Sorry, Trina. Can’t.” I turned, but she grabbed my arm and yanked me to a stop.

  “Ro.” As if on cue, her blue eyes filled with tears. “I just want us to be friends. Can’t we just be friends? Sisters again?”

  I slid away from her, my skin burning from her touch.

  “Go away you little tramp,” Jess spat. “Crawl back to your dealer for a little pick-me-up. You’re going to crash soon.”

  Trina gasped then cried out. Mrs. Anderson was by my side in a second.

  “Ladies, what’s going on?” She looked between the three of us, her arm around my waist.

  With a glare at my sister, I answered, “Nothing, Mrs. A. My sister was just leaving.”

  Trina pulled her lips into a wide smile, morphing her face until she looked like a porcelain angel. “Mrs. Anderson, I’m so sorry to bother you. I just needed to speak with my sister. And,” her lips fell from the smile to a trembling, pursed line, “to apologize to you for last year. I’m…I’m so ashamed.” Tears streamed down her heavily blushed cheeks.

  Mrs. Anderson’s mouth fell open. Trina clutched her stomach then doubled over, bursting into sobs. Mrs. Anderson’s eyes widened. When Trina’s wails filled the air, Mike’s mom pulled her into a hug. Mike’s friends were staring. Jon was smirking. Trina’s friend, Jennifer, had a hand over her mouth, laughing. And I wanted to shrink into a hole.

  Trina looked like she could barely stand up, the weight of her pain was so heavy. Mrs. Anderson led her to the kitchen table, scattering Mike’s friends, and eased her into a chair. When Trina’s sobs wracked through her body again, Mrs. Anderson pulled my sister to her, holding her tight, much the same way she’d held me my first night in this home.

  Jess pulled at my arm, trying to get me to follow Mike’s friends into the living room. But I was rooted to that spot. Horror ripped through me in talon-like shreds as I watched. It was unbelievable—Mrs. Anderson comforting my lying, deceitful, high-on-drugs sister.

  I wanted to scream. Never had I witnessed a scene so ugly, so gut wrenching, so vile. Mrs. Anderson and Trina? Mike seemed to agree. He was watching them through the window, a frown on his face.

  JESS AND I left before the party was over and went to Mario’s. Jess was starving again, and I had to get out of that house.

  Just as a large pizza was set in front of us, I got a text from Mike.

  Where are you?

  At Mario’s with Jess.

  Want to meet? I want to see you.

  Jess chomped on the crust of her first piece of pizza and grabbed another before she even swallowed.

  I’ll be done in an hr. I’ll pick you up in front of the house.

  It didn’t even take an hour for Jess to finish half the pizza. I had one slice, then we put the rest in a box and left. She was half asleep before we even pulled out of the parking lot, so I took her home then swung by the Anderson’s to pick up Mike. He was waiting on the porch outside. The driveway was empty of his friends’ cars and most of the house’s lights were turned off.

  “Hey.” He climbed into the passenger seat.

  “Hi.” I leaned forward so he could kiss me. His mouth tasted like toothpaste. Minutes later, I asked, “Where should we go?”

  “Usual spot.”

  I bit my lip with the promise of t
hose words as I drove down the road toward Beauty Mountain.

  Mike pushed his hand into my hair, warming the back of my neck. “I need some time with you.”

  Tingles shot up and down my skin. Finally. Finally we were going to have a minute. It wasn’t much. He was still leaving in less than twelve hours. But it was something. And it was enough. It had to be.

  The sky was clear, the moon and stars helping light the way. His thumb caressed the back of my neck. “What happened back there with Trina?”

  My shoulders tightened. “I don’t know. She just…showed up.”

  He looked out the side window. “I sure didn’t expect to see her there.” He sighed. “I don’t care if I never see her again.”

  “I know. Your mom didn’t seem to have those same feelings.” I clenched my teeth, regretting the dig as soon as it came out. Mrs. Anderson had a big, kind heart. She would never turn someone away, no matter what they had done.

  “I know. It was definitely a strange sight.” His hand dropped from my neck.

  We rode the rest of the way in silence. I knew he was lost in last year’s events the same as I was. But I was determined not to dwell on the past. Not tonight. So I put my hand on his thigh and made sure his thoughts were on something else besides Trina.

  “I HAVE something for you.” Mike ran his fingers through my hair. We were parked at Beauty Mountain, the lookout just yards away. It was too cold to get out of the heated car and the snow had started to fall again. The only light came from the dashboard. The radio was on but turned so low I couldn’t tell what song was playing.

  “What is it?” Mike and I were facing each other in the front seat. My hand was on his thigh, my thumb tracing small circles over the top of his jeans, the events from the day all but forgotten.

  “You better stop that or you’ll have to wait for the present.”

  I laughed and moved my hand a little higher. He leaned toward me and it was several minutes before either of us spoke again. By then the moon was obscured through the foggy windows, and I pulled away with a giggle. “Um, did you say you have something for me?”