My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy

by Tracy Hewitt Meyer

  Suddenly, there was someone I needed to talk to, someone who had always helped me work through problems. I pulled out my cell phone.

  Can you meet? 12:30?

  I stared out the window while I waited for an answer. We talked about getting together tonight. Doing it a little earlier may be just what I needed.

  Of course. Where?

  Usual.

  Mike would know where the usual was. There was no doubt in my mind whatsoever.

  BEAUTY MOUNTAIN had become something of a mystical place for me, brimming with ghosts of past loves, future loves, and a place that reached into my aching heart and soothed it with a soft caress. It was a peak at the top of one of this area’s many soaring mountains, overlooking a deep gorge where a raging river ran.

  At the peak, the air was cool, the birds only a reach away and my mind the calmest it could ever be. This was also the place where Mike and I shared our first kiss all of those months ago. My lips throbbed with the memory.

  Shane’s kisses had their own unique tingle. His lips were soft and without earnest; just easy, delicious kisses that were as smooth as honey. My first kiss with Shane came after an evening of listening to him play guitar at the tea shop. I had to maneuver my arms around his guitar as I tried to weave them around his back.

  Mike’s kisses were…different.

  Kissing Mike sent fire coursing through my body. Whereas Shane’s kiss was perfectly effortless, Mike’s were full of heat, like a volcano awaiting eruption. There was a warmth that simmered in him, sometimes so hot I thought I would get burned when he touched me. But I never had. I had only melted.

  He had also been the person next closest to me besides Jess. And now she was gone. I needed someone to talk to, someone who knew the past’s weighty existence that sat upon my shoulders. Someone who had cared about me anyway, had stood by my side like a stoic warrior.

  I parked my car on the side of the road and hiked the short distance to the lookout.

  The old familiar rock sat before me, and I ran my palm over the surface. It was smooth for a rock, medium gray with weavings of black and white. There was a canopy of trees that provided just enough shade to allow us to sit here comfortably no matter what the weather. Right now the weather was cold, and as I stood there, several brown leaves floated down from the tree limbs overhead. Soon, I would be able to see my breath and the winter’s chill would seep through the uninsulated windows of our tiny apartment.

  I inhaled deeply, taking in the slightly burnt smell of the leaves, letting the earth’s scent fill my body.

  “Hey, stranger.”

  His voice was soft, not playful despite the lightness of his words. I made my eyes open slowly and my feet stay planted on the soft earth. How many times had I yearned to hear that voice and see that face? More times than I could count, though I didn’t yearn for it nearly as much as I used to. But now…well, now, it was…perfect.

  “Hi.” I allowed a soft smile.

  We stood several feet apart; Mike with his hands in his pockets, his eyes searching, wondering; me with my palm still on the rock, my own eyes questioning…though what they were questioning, I wasn’t sure.

  Then within the swiftness of a second, he closed the space between us, and I was swept into his arms like I was a tiny doll. He held me so close I almost couldn’t breathe…almost. I took long, deep breaths, just wanting to inhale the familiar scent that was so uniquely Mike.

  “Is everything okay?” His breath was hot against my cheek.

  Home. He felt like home, that elusive place I had struggled to find for most of my life. I thought I had found it with Jess and Jacob. Yet here was Mike, and he was more like home than anything else there was, than there could possibly be.

  “Ro?” He didn’t lessen his grip but managed to sit on the rock and have me nestled by his side in a swift motion.

  I exhaled. “Yes. And no.”

  He leaned into me, giving me a slight nudge. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. I need to. I mean, I have a hard time getting my head on straight on my own. Do you know what I mean?”

  I glanced into those gorgeous pine-colored eyes, and my heart turned into liquid, like warmed sweet molasses.

  “I do. Tell me what’s going on, and I’ll see if I can help.”

  It felt so good to be near Mike, so good I didn’t want to mess it up with talking about all the things going wrong with my life. But I also didn’t want to make the mistake I did last year in the months before we broke up.

  When he left for college and I was at home with his parents, the distance that grew between us had been as solid as a granite wall. He was five hours away. I was crumbling at the seams, but there was too much to talk about over our brief phone conversations so I had quit talking to him altogether. It wasn’t until we broke up that I finally shared what had been happening in my life since he went away to college.

  I didn’t want that to happen again. Even if Mike and I were destined to remain only friends, I didn’t want to mess that up. He still mattered too much to let him fully go.

  So I forced a chuckle and started. “Well, a lot is going on. I’m not sure where to start.”

  He nudged me again. “Start anywhere. I’m sure I can keep up.”

  I smiled, not a big toothy grin, but a subtle, gentle smile that was full of warmth, gratitude, and love. Then I started talking.

  “YOU MEAN she just left?” Mike asked.

  “She just left. And, I don’t know what to do. If I call the police will they take Jacob from her?”

  “She doesn’t have Jacob anyway. Wouldn’t that be best? Put him with a family that can take care of him?”

  The forest looked like it had been painted with a brush, so rich in gold, red, and orange and brown that it was too stunning to be real. Tourists were already piling into this remote area, eager to see nature at its most beautiful and to take advantage of the white water rafting. Our meager hotels would be full and the restaurants packed with folks from Canada and Ohio to Florida and Georgia. The bookstore where Jess worked would be busier than any other time of year.

  What would Mr. Sumners do without her? She always worked double shifts in October. The crowds filtered away through November and were gone by Thanksgiving. It allowed her to make double a month’s pay during the season.

  “Rowan?”

  I shrugged. “I couldn’t do that to her. Not yet.”

  He nodded, and his gaze followed mine over the skyline. “What’s going on with your mom?”

  I chuckled. “Always something.”

  He nodded again and a grim smile spread over his face.

  “She has a new psychiatrist. A woman named Dr. Schweitzer. She gave her a new diagnosis and put her on different medication.”

  “That’s good, right?”

  “Yeah.” I sighed. “She also wants me to start coming in. Not necessarily to see Mom, though I think that’s the goal. But to talk, process, or whatever, all that happened.”

  “That sounds like a good idea.”

  I shot him a look, and he threw his hands up. “Sorry. You’ve been through a lot. Maybe it would help to talk to someone.”

  His words felt like fangs digging into my flesh, though his tone hadn’t changed since we sat down. But I couldn’t help and remember last year when he had demanded I see a therapist after he saw my scars. He had declared me sick and it seemed like I couldn’t forget that.

  “Rowan, I don’t mean it like that.” He knew me well enough to know what I was thinking. “I meant it’s hard for anyone to handle what you’ve gone through. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.” His words grew louder with that last declaration, like he was trying to convince me of his conviction. “A neutral ear can be good. I started seeing someone at school.”

  “A therapist?” I couldn’t mask my shock. What would Mike need to talk about? His life seemed charmed.

  “It’s tough, you know?” He focused far out into the distance. “Scho
ol has been harder than I ever imagined. The soccer team. The work. Being away from home.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I just needed someone to talk to.”

  “You could’ve called me….”

  Now he did look at me. “You are part of the reason I started to see someone.”

  “Why?”

  He picked imaginary lint off his jeans. “How things ended was tough. I didn’t like the guy I had become by the time we broke up. It’s not like we had a normal relationship either. A lot happened.”

  “That’s the understatement of the year.” I tried to laugh but it sounded tense and tight.

  “I’m not sure I ever really dealt with it and I needed someone to help me process…everything. You. My life. My future. Everything.”

  “Did it help?”

  “So far so good. I’m still seeing her. This year’s been tough.”

  My brows pursed. “Is something else going on?”

  He ran his thick hands through his hair. “No. I’m still trying to figure out why I’m having a hard time. High school was easy for me. Maybe it’s my time to struggle. Who knows?”

  “Why do you think it’s been a tough year?”

  Mike always seemed solid, confident…capable—it was difficult to imagine him anything other than strong. But right now he seemed vulnerable, hurting maybe, uncertain definitely.

  “It was hard leaving home, leaving you. You and I were…” He broke off with a chuckle. “Man, we were intense. I mean, a whole lot happened my senior year. Then everything was good that summer before I left for college. It seemed…” He looked toward the sky. “Almost like we were charmed—our relationship. Like it was destiny.” He pursed his lips then continued, “It sounds hokey.”

  I put a hand on his leg and the vibe coming off him was aching. I could feel it as powerfully as I felt my own emotions. “It doesn’t sound hokey. I was there, remember? I know what it was like.”

  He watched me from the corner of his eye before turning his gaze toward the tree canopy. I looked up, too. The leaves took my breath away with their simplistic beauty.

  “And that stuff with Trina. I mean, it blew over fast enough, but being accused of rape doesn’t just go away. That accusation just hangs there like a black cloud.”

  There was nothing to say so I kept my mouth shut. He had suffered a lot because of my sister, that was for sure.

  “And I missed you. For the first time I was on my own, my butt being kicked everyday at practice. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to.” Unspoken words hung in the air, like he had sliced the next thought off with a knife.

  I had felt the exact same way. After he left for college, I felt abandoned, like he didn’t have time for me. Was it possible he had felt I didn’t have time for him?

  I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t, suddenly afraid of the answer I might get. Maybe, just maybe, our breakup was the result of neither of us making time for the other. The realization hit me like a suckerpunch. I had just been promoted to assistant manager. Jess was pregnant. I was a senior in high school trying to figure out how to make my way in a world where nothing was as it seemed.

  My hand was still on his leg, and I squeezed it. Without looking down, he laid his large hand over mine, warming me all the way through.

  TWO HOURS later we were hiking through the forest. Twigs and leaves crunched under our shoes, and we had no direction to our movement, just walking. There was no need for words. There was just us. It was like we were getting to know each other all over again, becoming comfortable in the other’s company. And it was nice.

  We had been walking for twenty minutes when my phone rang. I pulled it out of my back pocket and looked at the screen. It was Shane.

  I hit the button that sent it straight to voicemail. I didn’t look up at Mike as I slid the phone back into my jeans.

  “Was that your boyfriend?”

  “Yeah. His name is Shane.”

  “Why didn’t you answer it? Does he know you’re here with me?”

  I shrugged a shoulder. “He doesn’t know, but he wouldn’t care.”

  “Rowan.” Mike stopped, putting his hands on my shoulders. He turned me until I faced him.

  I looked up into that familiar face that still released butterflies in my stomach.

  “I think you should know I have a girlfriend.”

  “What?” I blurted. “You have a girlfriend?” If he had slapped me across the face I wouldn’t have been more shocked. Except he didn’t slap. Mike would never do something like that. But it hurt just as bad.

  “What are you doing here with me?” I took a large step back.

  Why did I care?

  A flush colored his cheeks. “I just wanted to see you. To make sure you’re doing well. And…”

  “A simple phone conversation could’ve taken care of that.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to fight but I suddenly felt confused, like someone had put their hand onto my brain and shook it until it was a jumbled mess.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know. I missed you. And I wanted to see you. We agreed to stay friends, didn’t we?”

  I bit the inside of my lip, suddenly furious. How had I let myself be dragged into a fantasy world where Mike still wanted me, loved me? How had I let it go so far that I was reaching out to him for comfort instead of my own boyfriend?

  “I’ve gotta go. This is ridiculous.”

  He wrapped his fingers around my arm. “Rowan, wait. Are you wanting more than just friendship? Is that why you’re upset?”

  I yanked my arm away. “Nope. I don’t. I’m very happy with Shane. We have a great relationship.” I took several more steps away and forced my face to brighten. “Hey, thanks. I really appreciate you meeting me today. I actually feel better than I have in a long time.”

  But that wasn’t true. I felt worse.

  I hiked back to my car with Mike’s footsteps following behind me. At my car I waved at him. “I’ll see you around.”

  Without waiting for an answer, I slid into my car, started it, and sped down the winding one-lane road. I raced toward school, raced toward my boyfriend, my future. Why had I so willingly stepped into the past and believed the past wanted me?

  WHEN I pulled into the parking lot at school, I saw Shane in the distance, unmistakable in the way he walked and with the guitar hanging around his back. He was wearing my favorite jeans, the ones with a hole in the knee that fit a little too well to keep from staring. What was it about guys and their jeans and how they seemed to fit just right?

  I had always loved the way Mike’s jeans fit, slung low on his hips but tight through his muscular legs. My jeans never fit well. I had one pair that was small enough to hug my body and make it look like I had actual curves, but they were worn to the point of being threadbare. No jeans since had done anything except accentuate my lack of a figure. At least that was how I felt. Although Shane didn’t seem to mind. Mike never had either.

  I bit the inside of my cheek and dug my nails into my wrist to stop these thoughts. I had to get to class. I should catch up with Shane, too. With Jess gone my free time was going to become all but nonexistent, and I needed to let him know that. There was no way I’d be able to go to his apartment this weekend, even if I wanted to take things that far.

  Shane walked up to a group of his friends. One of the guys slapped him on the back then Shane hugged the two girls standing there. I recognized the guy and one of the girls. The other girl I didn’t know. As was typical of this college campus, they were dressed in blue jeans, some sort of cowboy or hiking boot and T-shirts with flannel shirts tied securely around their waists.

  The girl I didn’t recognize moved to stand beside Shane, so close there was barely space between them. She was looking up at him, her long, glossy brown hair falling down her back as she tilted her head. Even though my windows were rolled up and there was no way I could hear her laughter, I envisioned how it would sound and I didn’t like it.

  I hopped out of the car, locked it behind me,
and strode toward the group. Shane’s back was to me but his friend, Joel, saw me.

  “Hey, Rowan,” he said.

  Shane turned and a bright smile spread across his face, making those dimples wink at me. I slid to his side and put my arm around his waist.

  “Hi, Rowan. I didn’t know if I would see you before class or not.”

  A pang of guilt held my breath hostage for a moment before I said, “I’m here now.” I smiled up at him.

  Shane scanned the group. “Catch you all later.” The group said their goodbyes, and I never caught the name of the nameless girl. As we walked away, arms around each other’s waists, I looked over my shoulder and saw her watching us, a frown on her pretty face.

  Without warning, I stopped and pulled his face to mine. His lips were eager, and I swallowed against the satisfaction that tore through me as I thought about that girl watching us.

  The kiss quickly turned into more as I slid my arms around his neck and held onto him, pulling him close…closer, willing him to kiss away the time I had spent with Mike, to obliterate the thoughts and feelings that threatened to be too much for me to handle.

  And when he parted his lips, teasing the inside of my mouth with yearning, the morning’s events flittered away like a tuft of cotton on a wind-swept day. Most of them anyway.

  THAT EVENING when I picked up Jacob from Gran’s, he was asleep in his car seat.

  “He was getting tired,” she whispered as she gathered his stuff. “I went ahead and put him in the car seat so you wouldn’t have to wake him up.”

  I bit back the complaint that formed on my tongue. If he was sleeping now that meant he wouldn’t be sleeping tonight. But Gran looked tired, worn-out. Shadows were mixed with the wrinkles under her eyes. She wasn’t used to babies anymore.