My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy

by Tracy Hewitt Meyer

  He didn’t come to me. Instead, he ran his hands through his hair. “What does this mean?”

  I shook my head as I thought about Shane and his gentle smile. Those dimples were enough to lighten any day, and I cared about him. I was still getting to know exactly how much.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he confessed.

  It was my turn to shake my head because I didn’t have the words either. After several awkward moments where we watched each other in the dim light, he stepped over to me and held out his hand. I slid my own into his.

  “Let’s finish eating,” he said.

  “Okay.” I forced a smile like I wasn’t feeling whiplash over the emotions popping around inside me. So I took a bite of pizza to distract me. “My God, that’s delicious.” I pulled a piece of cheese into my mouth. Suddenly my hunger, and it seemed like his too, overtook every other feeling we’d had that night.

  “Cold, but amazing.” For the next several moments we ate in silence. Mike was two pieces down before I finished my first, and as he tucked into a third, I pulled up another piece.

  “So, how do you like Berkeley?” he asked.

  “School? I love it. It’s a perfect fit. How’s school going for you?”

  He swallowed and said, “I don’t know. It’s hard. Between the team and classes, I’m having a hard time keeping up. Soccer takes up every single free minute.”

  “Are you still enjoying it?” I went into the kitchen to refill our waters.

  “I am.” He took the water from my hand and smiled his thanks. “I do like the team, especially the games. Man, there is some amazing competition out there. But we practice all the time. And when we’re not practicing, we’re in the weight room. Or running. There is no free time. And school never came as easily to me as it did to you.”

  “You’re doing okay, though, right?” I leaned forward.

  “Yeah…” He sighed heavily and set the crust of his pizza back into the box. “I mean, I am. And I wouldn’t change anything. Or maybe I would. I don’t know.” He forced a laugh. “It’s just nothing like high school, that’s for sure.”

  “No, it’s not.” I put a hand on his arm. “There’s something you’re not telling me.”

  “I just needed some time away from school.”

  “Is that why you’re home now?”

  He nodded.

  “When are you going back?”

  “I’ll have to be back next week. It was becoming too much, and I talked with coach then my teachers. They seemed to understand that I needed a break.”

  He was missing almost two weeks of school. He must be having a harder time than he admitted.

  After a minute, he continued, “It’s really great to see you. Now that is good for me.”

  I smiled brightly. I couldn’t help it. There was just no way not to. “It’s great to see you, too.”

  Once again our conversation stopped. It was like we were driving a stick shift car and couldn’t quite get it to go.

  “I can leave and let you sleep…” His voice was soft and shy.

  “No, stay. Let’s at least watch a little TV. I don’t think I could fall back asleep, and I’ve never stayed here by myself. I don’t know why, but it creeps me out. I’m used to having Jess and Jacob around.”

  He sat on one end of the couch and I sat on the other, both suddenly very aware that we were choosing to spend more time together. This was no longer him helping me. I was fine now. This was us. Together. Because we wanted to be.

  Levi jumped between us, stretching out his long body, feet pushing against Mike, head pushing against me. If I didn’t know better, I would think he was trying to keep us apart. But Levi loved Mike, always had. Maybe he was trying to bridge the connection between us. These absurd thoughts almost made me burst out laughing. Only I didn’t. Instead, I turned the television on, and we watched some sort of obstacle course competition.

  With thirty minutes to go in the show and a stomach full of pizza, my eyes started to feel heavy. I laid my head down on the armrest, and without meaning to, I fell asleep.

  SOMETIME LATER, an ache in my neck lured me out of one of the deepest sleeps I’d had in a long time. Disoriented, my eyes struggled to adjust in the dark. There was a warm body pressing against my back, an arm resting on my thigh. The breath on my neck was so familiar, I was sure I was still living at the Anderson’s and Mike had snuck into my bedroom in the middle of the night like he used to. Then I realized I was on the couch, my couch. And Mike was still here.

  I glanced at the clock. It read two in the morning.

  Why did I let the night with Mike progress this far? True, we hadn’t meant to fall asleep. The last thing I remembered was we were watching TV. Did no rules apply when it came to Mike?

  My mind went round and round like a rinse cycle. Shane. Mike. Shane. Mike. Mike. Mike. Always Mike.

  Would I ever get over my first love? Did I want to?

  IT WASN’T until sunlight filtered through the window that I realized I had fallen back asleep. Not only was Mike’s arm over my torso, pinning me down, but his leg was lying on top of mine making me feel like I was being weighed down by cinder blocks. He must’ve grown even more muscle over these past months because he was really heavy.

  I tried to unpin myself and Mike started to stir. After a deep yawn, he asked, “What time is it?”

  “Seven.” I listened for Jacob’s first cries before realizing he wasn’t here. I prayed that he slept well for Gran. Maybe she enjoyed having him so much she was going to keep him for the next week…or month…or until his mom decided to return

  “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  His breath was warm in my ear. I needed to get up, but I didn’t want to. I wasn’t sure what we would say to each other if I turned to face him, but more than that, I didn’t want him to leave. If I got up, he would get up, and then I’d be all alone in this apartment. Without Mike. But then I’d be able to call Shane. I needed to check in with Shane.

  My phone started to ring and I forced myself to move, thinking if it was Gran this early, then something was wrong. Or maybe it was Shane. He knew I never slept past six. My muscles screamed in protest, but I hobbled to the phone anyway.

  “Hello?”

  “Rowan? It’s Shane. Did I wake you?”

  “Oh, hey. No, you didn’t. What’s up?”

  Mike went down the hall toward the bathroom. I retreated to the kitchen.

  “I just got back into town and was wondering what you’re up to. I know it’s early, but I thought we could meet for breakfast before class.”

  A lump filled my throat and cut off my words.

  “Rowan?”

  “I’m here. Sorry. Just a little foggy this morning. Guess I could use some coffee.”

  Mike returned and sat on the couch. Levi pushed his head under Mike’s hands, coaxing him to pet his head.

  “I can bring you some.” His voice sounded hopeful. Or maybe I imagined it.

  “That’s sweet.” I chewed on the side of my lip as I scoured my mind for excuses. Mike was sitting right here. There was no way Shane could come over. My stomach started to cramp as I fumbled for something to say. And it wasn’t just finding an excuse, it was finding one that didn’t upset Mike either. Even if he acted like playing with Levi was his only interest, I had no doubt he was listening.

  What would he have told his girlfriend? It wasn’t like anything had happened. Yet, something had, hadn’t it? And he’d spent the night…with his arms wrapped around me.

  So I did the only thing I could think of—I walked down the hall and closed the door to the bathroom. “I really wish I could, but I’m not feeling well. I would hate to get you sick. I’m going to go back to bed, and I’ll meet you on campus later.”

  “Can I bring you something? It doesn’t have to be coffee. I can bring soup.”

  Guilt felt like a burning hand around my throat. “That’s very sweet. I’m sure I’ll be fine. It’s been a little stre
ssful, to say the least.” I hung my head in shame, covering up spending the night in Mike’s arms with the cold harsh reality of life.

  “Sorry you feel bad. I’m going home to sleep then. I’ll be on campus by eleven. Text me if you go to class, and we’ll meet for lunch.”

  “Sounds good.”

  We ended the phone call, and I placed my hands on the cool surface of the sink. What are you doing, Rowan? Mike has a girlfriend! Shane is an amazing boyfriend! Did the I miss you’s from last night matter?

  Did the lack of the I love you declaration with Shane matter? Maybe we were in love; we just hadn’t said the words aloud. Besides, Mike and I had been in love and look where that got us.

  I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. Then I stared at myself for a long, long time, so long, in fact, Mike knocked on the door.

  “Rowan? Are you okay in there?”

  I threw open the door and my breath caught at the sight of him standing before me. I knew he was here, he’d been here all night, but seeing him standing before me made my knees weak. After we broke up, I had visions all the time, yearnings, of Mike beside me, behind me…near me. I had missed him so bad I had physical pains from it.

  It wasn’t until Shane came into my life that I felt the loneliness and longing start to falter. I didn’t want to go back to that point. I didn’t want to get to a place where I was looking for Mike around every corner.

  But I couldn’t have imagined that the sight of him before me, in my own apartment, could send warm, charged tingles all through my body.

  “Sorry.” I smiled up at him. “Just taking a moment.”

  He wasn’t smiling as he stood there in front of me. Rather, his full lips, so perfectly made for kissing, were set—not in a hardened line, but not in a grin either.

  “Mike?” My brows furrowed.

  He lifted his hands and put them on either side of my face, his thumbs on my cheeks, his palms warm against my jaw. He was focused on my mouth, my lips, like he was studying them, imprinting them in his brain for future reference.

  I pulled a lip between my teeth, uncomfortable with the intensity of his gaze. My hands lay by my sides and my knees bent slightly.

  Still he stared at my mouth until he finally scanned the rest of my face. After a moment those gorgeous green orbs landed on my eyes, locking me into an exchange I wasn’t fully sure I understood.

  But when his gaze fell back to my mouth, I understood completely as he placed his lips against mine.

  IT FELT like home. Or Heaven. Or some new place that existed only when the entire universe was properly aligned. His lips were as soft as I remembered, yet they were also different—firmer. He kissed the same but better, deeper, richer. My knees went weak, then my calves, my ankles. Surely my feet were no longer planted on the ground.

  He tasted sweet and minty like a perfectly brewed concoction. One hand still held my face and the other pressed against the small of my back. At first the kiss was light, feathery; simple yet delicious touches and caresses of our lips. Then he deepened the kiss, and I was all too willing to follow.

  My hands found their way to his shoulders, my palms resting flat against his muscles. Then they wound around his neck, my fingers clasping together. He couldn’t pull away without breaking through my barrier. From the way his breath quickened, I didn’t think he wanted to anyway.

  But then his phone rang. I jumped, the sound so shrill in the quiet apartment it made me cringe. Mike started laughing at my reaction as he pulled away. “I think that’s mine,” he said. He leaned in, brushed a kiss on my cheek, then pulled his cell phone from his back pocket. He checked the caller ID. His brows fell as he glanced up at me. I knew in an instant who it was.

  “Your girlfriend?”

  He nodded, his lips tight.

  “Are you going to answer it?”

  He shook his head, his gaze never wavering.

  “Um, okay.” I grew fidgety under his intense stare. “What do you want to do?”

  “I don’t know…” He started to pace in the narrow hallway. “It feels so right to be here with you. But what about when I’m back at school and you’re here? What happens then?”

  “I don’t know either,” I said, sharper than I meant. Nothing was ever easy with Mike. Well, he was easy to be with. Life was what didn’t cooperate. “But we are both with someone else. What are you getting at?”

  “Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?”

  “What?” It was like I didn’t understand the language he was speaking.

  “Dinner. You and me. We don’t have to decide anything. We can just hang out. Can you?”

  “Well, no. I doubt it.” I cringed as my mind sliced off thoughts of Mike back in my life and focused on the uncertainty of whether or not I’d ever be free again. Images of Jacob came flooding back, not to mention thoughts of Shane. I did still have a boyfriend. He wasn’t Mike. No guy was Mike. But he was Shane and I owed him respect, and I really did care about him.

  “I’m not sure. Mike, we need to talk about this. I mean, I have a boyfriend. You have a girlfriend. Jess is gone. I need to figure out how to take care of Jacob while she’s gone. Who knows if she’ll ever come back? Making plans for dinner isn’t fair to Shane and agreeing to dinner when there is so much drama going on isn’t fair to you. As much as I hate to say it, I’m not sure now is the time.”

  “We’re all about drama. Have you forgotten?” His lip curled upward in a smirk but his eyes danced in the dim light.

  I wanted to keep this conversation focused, though. We hadn’t made it as a couple under the weight of all that drama. “I’m serious.”

  He pulled my hand into his. “I know. Me too. It’s just dinner.”

  I shrugged, not committing, but not saying no either. I was unable to break the lock he had on my heart.

  “I’ll call you later. No pressure,” he said, squeezing my hand. “I’m going to run, though. Let you get started with your day. I have to get in a workout.”

  “Okay.”

  He didn’t kiss me again. But he did stop at the front door, turn back toward me and smile.

  I put a hand to my heart as I smiled back, unwilling to admit just how much I still cared.

  AN HOUR later I was dressed and realized, once again, that I didn’t have a ride to school. I didn’t have a ride from school to work. I didn’t have a ride back home.

  I slid the curtain to the side and looked for Tanya’s car. The brown station wagon was parked outside, and I released a sigh of relief. I dialed her number.

  “Hi, Tanya. It’s me.”

  “Hey. What’s up?”

  “I need a ride to campus, and I was wondering if you could help me.”

  “Where’s your car?” Her tone wasn’t accusatory or irritated, just curious.

  “I got into a wreck. It’s at the car place getting fixed.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. It’s a long story. I was in a rush to get Jacob from Gran so she could make it to her doctor’s appointment. And I…ran a red light.”

  “Rowan!”

  “I know. I’m fine. The other guy is fine. It’s just my car that didn’t fare well.”

  “If you’re ready, come on down and I’ll make us some tea before we leave.”

  “See you in a minute.” I hung up the phone and grabbed my backpack. The English Lit book made it weigh ten extra pounds. Throw in the looming deadline for the paper, and my bag could’ve passed for an enormous boulder slung over my back. But in the scheme of things, the paper wasn’t my only concern. I would have to ask for an extension—the first time I ever had to ask for more time on an assignment. But I had also never gotten into a car wreck before. Or cheated on a boyfriend. Been a mother to someone else’s child. I was really racking up the points, wasn’t I?

  I headed down the stairs toward Tanya’s apartment. The door was open so I pushed it wide and walked inside.

  “Tanya?” I called into the empty living room.

  “In he
re.” Her voice came from the kitchen. Within a few steps, I was standing in the doorway between the two rooms, watching her pour water over tea bags. “Here.” She handed me a mug with the image of a college mascot emblazoned across the side.

  “Thanks.”

  “Let’s sit, and you can tell me what’s going on.”

  We each filled one corner of her small couch and took sips of our steaming tea. I had thirty minutes before I needed to be at school, which gave us about ten minutes to talk. It wasn’t much but it was much-needed.

  Finally, I said, “I’m not sure, I feel it though.”

  “Feel what?” She blew into her cup.

  “Feel that things are stirring up again, whipping out of control.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, there’s Jess. Jacob. I can’t take care of him. I can’t get a hold of her. He’s with Gran. She had to miss a doctor’s appointment because, in my hurry to get from school in time so she wouldn’t miss the appointment, I got into a car accident.”

  “Are you okay?”

  I sighed. “Yes.” My shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what to do with Jacob, either”

  “You can’t go on taking care of her responsibilities.”

  “But what do I do? I can’t just hand him over. If I contact the police and they find out she left him, they’ll take him away. Is that what’s best?”

  Tanya’s eyes watched me over the rim of her teacup. “What other options do you have?”

  I didn’t have one so I changed the subject. “Mike stayed over last night.”

  “What?” Disbelief washed over her face. “Mike Anderson?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Okaaayyyy…well, what does that mean…stayed over?”

  “I’m not sure. I have a boyfriend. He has a girlfriend.” I shook my head. “I’m sure it means nothing.”

  “Nothing?”

  I was unable to wrap my mind around it.

  She blew on her tea again and I set mine on the floor, suddenly uninterested.