My Name Is Rowan: The Complete Rowan Slone Trilogy

by Tracy Hewitt Meyer

  I had missed him. And I let him know that with an even tighter pull around his neck. He groaned low in his throat as he answered with his own muscles flexing around my waist.

  “Rowan,” he whispered. There was so much in that softly spoken word, so much past, so much present. Was there any future? Something told me there was.

  He set me back on my feet and dropped his hands. His eyes were questioning, confused, searching. “I’ve…” his voice croaked, and he cleared it. “I’ve missed kissing these lips.” He was staring at my mouth was an intensity I wasn’t sure I could survive. “God, how I’ve missed them.”

  Then kiss them again. Please kiss them again.

  He pulled his gaze from my lips to lock on my eyes like he had me in a vice, making it impossible for me to look away or even blink.

  “Rowan.” His gaze burned into mine. It was like he had special powers that he could summon, using them to imprint something inside of me, changing me, altering me. I wasn’t sure what it was but in that gaze I felt different. “I love you. I never stopped loving you. Please. Please tell me there is another chance for us. I can’t not have you in my life.”

  He put his fingers under my chin and lifted my face toward his. His eyes traveled over my forehead, my brows. “I have tried to act like I didn’t feel this way.” Around the outside of my eyes, over my nose. “Tried to act like I didn’t miss you. Need you.” Mouth again, chin. “That I didn’t love you.”

  Eyes.

  “But I can’t pretend anymore. Something in me changed when we were paired for that biology report. Something that I didn’t even know until I lost you. I haven’t recovered. I need you back.”

  There were tears in his eyes now, illuminating the beautiful pine color that so easily matched the evergreens surrounding us.

  “Please, Rowan. Is there a future for us?”

  But I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. What was he saying? Half of my brain and body were still back there with that kiss. How did he recover so quickly from it? The other half of my brain and body were relishing the closeness of his body, the feel of his touch. I was all senses and emotions and feelings and things totally unrelated to forming coherent thoughts or processing what he was saying.

  I must’ve waited too long to answer because he dropped away from me. His hands fell to his sides, his body stepped away. His eyes were still on mine but the tears were gone. What I now saw was sadness the likes of which I had never seen in him before.

  “I’m sorry. I guess it’s too late.” He turned.

  I stared at his broad shoulders as they moved away from me. He was all muscle and height and gorgeousness; familiarity and strangeness; attraction and obsession.

  “Mike, wait.”

  He didn’t turn.

  “I love you, too.”

  MIKE STOPPED like a concrete wall had just popped up in front of him. “What?” he said as he turned around.

  “I said…” I cleared my throat. “I love you, too.”

  “You do?” He cocked his head, his eyes wide and searching.

  I nodded.

  He closed the space between us and my lips were blissfully back against his in a kiss that exceeded any other kiss, even the one from a minute ago. If this was our future together, there was no need for anything else.

  Our eyes didn’t close in this kiss. Instead, gray eyes met green ones and locked in place—seeking, searching, and solidifying. Even when our lips parted, we didn’t blink, didn’t hesitate. There was a wave of electricity that passed between us—between our wide and staring eyes, between our moist and eager lips, between our two pounding hearts. This string of electricity was like an arm reaching out from our bodies, merging with the others and pulling us together.

  Together.

  So fully and completely together.

  I sighed into his mouth, and he caught my breath and inhaled. With whispers and the mixing of our air, we let go of the past year that had seen a split come between us I never thought could be repaired. But the split didn’t heal, it just went away; like we weren’t the same two people we were back then so there was no need to go back and make amends. We were different. Adults. Coming together on our own. No drama. No chaos.

  “I can’t believe this,” he said, his lips brushing against my cheek.

  “Can’t believe what?” I whispered.

  “That you’re here.” He kissed my neck, and his breath was hot. “That we’re here together. That you said the words you did. I never thought…”

  “Never thought what?” I leaned back to look at him.

  “Never thought that we would find each other again. I screwed up so bad…”

  I smiled and it reached my heart, lighting me up from the inside. With palms flat, I ran my hands up his arms, over his shoulders until I cupped his face the same way he had cupped mine. His whiskers were rough against my skin, but the prickly sensation only heightened my sensitivity.

  “You are so handsome,” I said. He had always been the most handsome guy I’d ever seen. Always. No one had ever taken that title away from him.

  “And you,” he brushed his lips against mine, “are the most beautiful girl in the world.”

  I melted into him as he melted into me. We didn’t pull apart for the next hour.

  THE NEXT morning I was up early. Even though I had stayed up the entire night writing, and finishing, the English Lit paper, I was awake with more energy than I’d ever had. I couldn’t stop the butterflies that erupted in my stomach when I was in the shower and the feel of that kiss sprung back to light. Nor could I ignore the fact that my feet barely touched the ground as I hurried around the apartment, gathering everything I needed for class and work.

  I didn’t have English Lit until the afternoon so I headed toward the shelter. I breezed in. Janie was standing at the counter, her bag slung over her shoulder.

  “Hi!” I exclaimed.

  Her eyes widened and her lips spread wide. “Hi, Rowan. You look…different. How’s Jacob?”

  “He’s still in the hospital, but Jess is back so she’s there with him.”

  “Do they know what’s wrong?”

  “I think so. I haven’t talked to Jess yet.” Even thoughts of my best friend couldn’t dampen my mood today. At least I wouldn’t let it. I deserved to have a good day, dammit.

  Janie came from behind the corner and stopped in front of me. “You’re blushing.”

  Which of course made me blush more. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  I shrugged and smirked.

  “Fair enough. I want details later. But for now I have to leave and run to the mall. Someone called about a mother and her puppies behind a Dumpster.”

  I slid behind the counter and set my bag down, glad for a change of topic and hopefully the paling of my flaming cheeks. “Okay. I’ll take care of things here.”

  She grabbed her purse and walked toward the door. “Rowan?”

  “Hmm?” I looked up from the daily calendar.

  “Where has Jess been?”

  This topic did exactly what I didn’t want it to—it started to take the magic out of my mood. “I actually don’t know.”

  “She left, didn’t she? Left you here to take care of Jacob?”

  I nodded.

  “And you didn’t know where she was?”

  I shook my head. The time for sugar-coating what Jess had done was over. I sighed. “We’re due for a nice, long chat. But she’s at the hospital now, trying to figure out what to do.”

  “What to do? About his health?”

  “About keeping him or not. She’s thinking of putting him up for adoption.”

  “Adoption? Why now?”

  I chewed a cuticle. “I guess she just can’t handle it—being a mom.”

  Janie stared at me a moment longer than I was comfortable with, as if she were judging me for Jess’s decision. When my phone rang, I didn’t have time to ask her what she was thinking. She waved goodbye just as I
said hello.

  “Hey, Rowan. It’s Shane.”

  I closed my eyes and bit my lip.

  “You there?” he asked.

  “Yeah. I’m here. What are you up to?”

  “I got a gig in Charleston this weekend, and I wanted to see if you could come with me.”

  My breath caught right at the point of filling my lungs and wouldn’t move in or out. Was it possible to care for two guys at one time?

  Yes.

  Was it possible to love two guys at one time?

  Not for me.

  “Rowan?”

  “I need to talk to you.” My stomach clenched. I didn’t want to hurt him, but something told me I was about to.

  “Uh-oh.”

  Uh-oh was right. Each time I thought of Shane, I smiled. I couldn’t say the same for Mike. He had hurt me. But not as much as he had loved me. And in the end, wasn’t it always Mike? Wasn’t he worth another try? The question didn’t really even need to be asked.

  I cleared my throat, coughed into my hand. “Shane….”

  The quiet on the other end of the line was far louder than the shouts at a major league baseball game.

  “Some things have changed,” I managed.

  “Things? Like what?”

  I inhaled and exhaled, holding the phone away from my mouth so he wouldn’t hear my deep breathing.

  “Things like…well, my ex-boyfriend is back in town. And, I guess we left things unresolved.”

  After a pause, he said, “You still have feelings for him, I’m guessing?”

  I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see that. So I said, “Yes. I guess I do. I didn’t think I did. We didn’t end on a good note.” An image of the accusation and judgment in his eyes popped up in my mind, but I let it float away and replaced it with one of his smiles. And I was happy.

  “So, give it to me straight. Rowan, I’m not going to be mad. Just tell me the truth.”

  I closed my eyes feeling a swell of affection toward this amazing guy. “I do have feelings for him. I don’t know if that means there is a future for us.” I sighed. “But I want to give it a try.”

  “Oh, man.” I could hear his voice shake but it was hard to tell for sure over the phone.

  “I’m so sorry.” Tears sprung to my eyes. Hurting Shane was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew that not being honest would hurt him even more. He was too quiet, though. “Shane? Are you still there?”

  “Yeah. Rowan, look. I think you’re incredible, and I want you to be happy. If you think this is what will make you happy, then go for it. I wish you all the best.”

  A tear slid down my cheek.

  “But promise me this…”

  “What?” I tried not to sob. His gentle nature never ceased to reach me somewhere deep inside.

  “If it doesn’t work out, give me a ring. We can see where things stand.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  “Bye, Rowan.”

  “Bye.” I hung up and clutched the phone in my moist palm. I stared out the large windows that overlooked the parking lot. The concrete, long ago poured, was cracked with tree roots protruding along the right side. I had tripped over those roots more times than I could count.

  Shane and I had been dating for about two months. Mike and I were together almost a year. Not that those details mattered. Details are details are details—facts, words, often more useless than necessary. At least in this case. There were too many to cipher through. Too much history, especially between Mike and me.

  If I wasn’t going to look at the details, I had one other option—how I felt. I had become a master at hiding, manipulating, ignoring my feelings. But in high school, Mike had helped me start feeling. Then he had judged me. Judged my cutting, my coping. Shane didn’t judge anything. He was the perfect example of someone who felt people had the right to live and let live.

  But Shane wasn’t Mike. And I was committed to working through my feelings, all of them. If Mike and I were going to make it work, I had to make sure I worked on myself. I went onto the college website and clicked on the counseling center’s page. There was a tab that had information on how to get started. I wrote the phone number on a Post-it note and slid it into my pocket. I would call later to schedule an appointment. It was time; time to see who little Rowan Slone really was, who the healthy Rowan Slone was.

  I SAT on the couch in the living room of my apartment waiting for Jess to come home. It was time to deal with what I had been waiting for: an explanation.

  It was ten o’clock at night and the world was dark outside. Another cloud-covered night sky. I had stopped by Tanya’s on my way upstairs. She’d made me a cup of hot tea and listened as I talked about everything that was going on, as she always listened to me. As I left her apartment and trekked up the stairs, I said a quiet thank you for her being a part of my life.

  The apartment seemed changed somehow, even though it was the same. I hadn’t seen Jess since we were outside of the hospital. But now we needed to talk. I wanted to understand more about what she planned to do with Jacob. I wouldn’t let just any person have him. I may not be his mother, but I had earned the right to have a say. And if she wanted to talk about what led her to leaving, I might be ready to listen.

  The heater kicked on with its loud whirling sound that never failed to wake me up in the middle of the night. Winter’s cold would descend soon, and we’d all be back in heavy winter coats and boots. I preferred the cold weather over the warm, though. It fit my personality somehow. And if I were going to do this therapy thing, I knew my emotions and moods would take a turn toward the dark. It only seemed fitting that the world outside would take that journey with me.

  I picked Scout up and walked to the window. She nudged my chin until I ran a hand over the back of her silky head. Tanya and Ranger were outside, walking toward her car. He was about a foot taller than her and when he put his arm around her shoulders, half of her body was hidden.

  Their laughter flittered all the way through the air and in through the thin pane of the window. He kissed the top of her head as their feet carried them forward. Tanya deserved to be happy and seeing her that way made me happy, too.

  But then I saw Jess’s car pull in. After Jess got out, Tanya walked forward and wrapped her in a hug. I felt a bite of irritation over Tanya’s warm reception after everything Jess had put us through, but it wasn’t my place to judge.

  A few minutes later, Jess started toward the stairs and I scrambled back onto the couch, a sudden surge of agitation making my heart beat faster. I wanted to be calm, to talk. There was no point in launching into a tirade. There were things that needed to be settled. Scout scampered out of the room just as Levi sauntered into it, rolling into a ball by my feet.

  I bit my lip as her key slid into the lock. There she was, my best friend, returned home from God only knew where.

  I sat in silence as I stared at her. She closed the door and locked it behind her. Then she stepped forward and sat on the chair across from me, her hands interlocked under her chin, elbows on her knees. Levi stood and greeted her with a kiss on her hand. The only light came from a small table lamp in the corner.

  “Hey, boy.” She pet his head as she looked at me.

  I forced myself to remain quiet. She owed me an explanation, and she deserved the discomfort that she must be feeling. Several moments passed before she opened her mouth.

  “I’m sorry, Ro. I’m so sorry.” The sound coming from her mouth was rough, haggard, and raw. Several more minutes passed. “I just, I don’t know…snapped or something. That night I left, I, well, I don’t even remember it. I went to bed, and Jacob was asleep. He got up in the middle of the night, and I remember making him a bottle. Then he went back to sleep but I couldn’t. I felt wound up, like I was going to go insane, or I already was, or something. My skin was crawling and all I wanted to do was run. I had to get away from that feeling. It was like there were hundreds of ants crawling all over me.”

  She ran a hand through h
er hair, stopping mid-way to pull out a strand of hair, letting it float onto the carpet.

  “And it sounds crazy, but I knew if I didn’t leave, the ants would go after Jacob. And they would kill him. Eat him alive.”

  She was crying now, her words wavering under the trauma of memory.

  “And that’s the last thing I remember. That feeling. I had to run, get away, for Jacob’s sake. Otherwise, he would die like I felt like I was dying. The next thing I knew I was on a Greyhound bus. I didn’t even know where I was going. I had bought a ticket but had no idea where it was to. It turned out I was going to Pittsburgh.”

  I bit the inside of my lower lip. Her words were breaking my heart.

  “And there I was, in a bus station in another city, in another state, at the crack of dawn with nowhere to go.”

  Her head fell into her hands.

  “What did you do?” I asked quietly.

  “I slept there.” She let out a little laugh. “It was the best night of sleep I’d had in months. I sat right there on a bench and went to sleep. Eventually, I laid down like it was a bed. At some point a security guard woke me up and told me to move. But until then, wow, I slept so well.”

  I wished I could’ve gotten the same sleep, but I didn’t say so. Then it dawned on me, if she gave Jacob up for adoption, I would sleep as much as I wanted. And the thought made me sad.

  “I left the station and walked around the city for hours. I had nowhere to go. I could’ve come home and at one point, I turned back toward the station so I could catch the next bus. But then I thought about coming home to more sleepless nights and I just, well, I couldn’t do it.”

  I glared at her now, my sympathy still very much present but also my anger. What she couldn’t handle, she’d easily hoisted onto my shoulders and it wasn’t fair.

  “Do you know how hard it was to be here, trying to work, go to school, and take care of Jacob? Do you have any idea?”

  She shook her head, but it was a slight movement like she was afraid of her response.

  “I barely got that English Lit paper finished. I had a test I forgot to study for. I got into a car wreck trying to get Jacob from Gran in time for her to make a doctor’s appointment.”