Destroyed

by Jackie Ashenden

  ‘You blamed me for her leaving,’ I finished for him, anger becoming a strength flowing through me, the strength Tiger had always told me I possessed and yet I’d never felt. Not until this moment. ‘You made sure to tell me she left because of me every single goddamn day.’

  He said nothing, his mouth gone flat and hard in that tight line, every inch of him the disapproving police chief.

  ‘Fourth, you want to know why I’m really here, Dad?’ I lifted my chin. ‘I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. Mom didn’t leave because of me. She left because you’re a bully. A controlling, manipulative prick. It was your fault she went away, not mine, and I’m not taking the blame for you any more.’

  More fury leapt in his gaze, but he kept the distance between us. And I realised with a shock that it was because he was afraid.

  He was afraid of me.

  ‘You know why she never came back?’ he said suddenly, the look on his face turning vicious. ‘Because I told her if she did, I’d take you away where she could never find us.’

  It felt like he’d kicked me in the stomach.

  I stood there for a moment, the breath knocked out of me, staring at his familiar face, at the lines of bitterness around his eyes and mouth, the deep folds of anger and resentment along the once-sharp jawline.

  Pain coiled inside me. ‘Why? Why the hell would you do that?’

  ‘Why do you think?’ That viciousness lingered in his voice. ‘Because the bitch left me and she needed to be punished.’

  He’d been handsome once, my dad. A proud, intimidating figure. But he wasn’t now. Suddenly all I saw in front of me was an old man, twisted and bitter and mean. A man with no power who was trying to get some however he could.

  A weak, hollow kind of man.

  This was who’d I’d been afraid of for so long? This?

  Tiger had told me all this time not to give him any power but this was the first time I’d truly felt it in my heart. Truly seen that far from being this powerful, scary figure, my father had had no power to start with.

  Dear God. How could I have let this small, weak man dictate my life?

  Especially when I knew—I just knew—how much stronger than him I was.

  All the air rushed suddenly back into my lungs, the realisation making me feel like I’d been suffocating all these years and only now could I breathe.

  Dad’s confession would have broken the Summer that I’d been a week ago. But I wasn’t that woman any more. I’d spent three days in the arms of one of the toughest, most frightening men I knew and he’d made me feel like a goddess. He’d made me feel wanted in a way I’d never felt before. He made me feel truly strong.

  Because he made me feel loved.

  It hit me then, like a bolt of white lightning, how unimportant standing on this step was. How unimportant my father was. That the only person who mattered to me was the man I’d left behind.

  And I’d left him because I’d still been scared little Summer Grant, who’d had so little faith in herself and her own feelings that she’d rather walk away than fight for what she wanted.

  Dad was blustering, making all kinds of threats, but they slipped off me like rain off an umbrella. They didn’t even touch me.

  I simply turned around and walked away.

  Because there was only one thing I wanted and he’d been left behind by everyone who’d loved him.

  I was not going to be another.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Tiger

  ‘YOU’RE A DUMBASS,’ Smoke said.

  I ignored him and kept myself bent over the bike, concentrating hard on the engine and not on whatever it was that kept kicking me hard in the chest, over and over again.

  I didn’t want to fix the fucking bike. I wanted to smash it. I wanted to knock the whole fucking thing off its stand and watch it crash down. Then maybe smash the headlight and kick the chrome of the exhaust. Take a sledgehammer to the petrol tank, just fucking destroy that motherfucker.

  I didn’t even know why.

  Sure you do, asshole.

  Yeah, okay, so I did. I wanted to destroy that bike the way Summer had fucking destroyed me.

  Christ, I don’t know what I’d expected. Not for her to give herself up like that, that was for sure. Not for her to give me some bullshit about not wanting me to choose between her and the club. And then to say she didn’t want to come back to me, not have those couple of extra days before she left...

  Fucked if I knew what that was all about. I’d thought she’d wanted it just like I did, but to have her change her mind like that didn’t make any sense.

  You should have asked her.

  Yeah, maybe I should have. But, fuck, if she didn’t want me, she didn’t want me. I wasn’t going to insist. Plenty more pussy in the sea and all that shit.

  ‘I said you’re a dumbass.’

  I bared my teeth at the engine. ‘Fuck off.’

  Annoyingly, Smoke stayed right where he was. Prick didn’t know when to take a hint. ‘Why did you let her go?’

  ‘Didn’t you hear me?’ I picked up a wrench and tried twisting off a nut. ‘I said fuck off.’

  ‘You wanted her, right?’

  The wrench slipped and I dropped it. ‘Fuck.’ I kicked the fucking thing across the ground. ‘Motherfucking fuck!’

  Smoke stuck his hands into his pockets. ‘Are you finished being a damn drama queen?’

  I raised a fist, ready to do some damage to something or, preferably, someone. ‘Don’t make me fucking hit you.’

  He didn’t even look at my fist. ‘Like I said, why did you let her go?’

  I could feel my heartbeat raging, the effort it took to keep myself under control slipping, my raised fist shaking. And I didn’t want to admit to why. ‘Because she wanted to fucking go, okay?’

  He gave me another of those long, steady looks. ‘You said she was yours.’

  ‘I was wrong.’

  ‘No, you weren’t.’ He didn’t move, didn’t even blink. ‘You’re in love with her.’

  The words hit me like a tank rolling the fuck over me, crushing me into the dirt.

  He’s right. That’s why you want to destroy things. Because she left you.

  I wanted to deny it, wanted to roar that it was a fucking lie, that I didn’t love her. That she was just another girl I’d fucked and had a good time with but didn’t give a shit about.

  But that lie wouldn’t come.

  Of course he was right. Of course I was in love with her. And it was tearing me apart.

  ‘What the fuck has that got to do with anything?’ I demanded.

  ‘You let her go.’

  ‘What the fuck was I supposed to do? Chain her to my bed?’

  Smoke said nothing for a moment and I found myself fighting to breathe. Because my chest hurt. Everything fucking hurt.

  ‘Go after her then,’ he said, as if it was easy. ‘You want her, go get her.’

  ‘No. She made her choice and it wasn’t me. So I’m making my choice now. And that’s to let her the fuck go.’

  His mouth twisted. ‘You know what you sound like? You sound like me when I had to leave Cat. I was trying to protect her, making all these dumb fucking excuses about why I couldn’t have her. Telling myself it was to keep her and Annie safe. But it wasn’t. I was just afraid. Afraid of what I wanted and what it would mean.’

  ‘It’s not fucking the same,’ I snarled.

  ‘Yeah, dumb fuck, it is. You’re making a whole lot of excuses about why you let her go. Why you can’t go after her now. But don’t kid yourself they’re actually the reasons you’re doing this. The real reason you’re not is because you’re in love and you don’t know what to do about it, and you’re shitting yourself.’

  I didn’t want to hear that. I didn’t want to hear anything of what he said. ‘
Just because you’ve got yourself an old lady it doesn’t make you some fucking love guru.’ I kicked at the bike stand, the machine wobbling. ‘Now, why don’t you fuck off before I call the police about some asshole trespassing on my property?’

  Smoke just shrugged. ‘Fine. Have it your way. But just ask yourself one thing. What’s more important? You or her? And if it’s her, then you’ll know what to do.’

  That was another thing I didn’t want to hear, but it stayed in my head long after he’d gone and I was alone, echoing and bouncing around in my skull like a pinball in a machine.

  Who’s more important? Me or her?

  What the fuck did that even mean?

  Give me a beer, give me pussy, give me my bike and a whole stretch of freeway, those were the things that were simple and uncomplicated. Things that I could count on to make me feel better. Those were the things I could trust. They never kicked me over and over again like this feeling was. They never made me hurt.

  I tried to concentrate on the bikes for a couple of hours afterwards, but nothing seemed to work. I couldn’t stop thinking about Summer. About how she’d left. How she’d looked me straight in the eye and told me I had to let her go. Even when I’d snarled at her, she hadn’t been afraid. She’d been calm and certain and sure.

  It was only at the end that I’d seen something like fear light in her eyes. When she’d tried to explain herself. But I hadn’t wanted to listen. She was just like Mom, leaving me with some bullshit excuses. And that was fine, I’d deal, just like I dealt with everything.

  But you’re not dealing. So why the fuck did you let her go?

  I had no answer to that, though I suspected it was there inside me, sitting somewhere I didn’t want to see it.

  I tried to distract myself with TV and then looking through my bike mags, but nothing worked. I couldn’t sit still, couldn’t relax.

  I wanted Summer so badly it was agony.

  So stop being a sulky little bitch and go get her.

  Fuck, I’d never had a problem before with going out and taking what I wanted. What the hell was my deal now?

  What’s more important?

  Smoke’s voice echoed in my head all of a sudden and I froze midpace, the meaning of the question abruptly hitting me hard over the back of my head.

  She was more important, no question. She was so fucking smart, so fucking bright and beautiful. She had everything going for her, a new job and a new life. There was no room in that life for a dumbass like me. An illiterate biker with no education, whose only skill was putting together engines. What on earth would she want with that?

  There wasn’t one single thing about me—apart from sex—that she’d want. That she would need.

  Nothing except the fact that I loved her.

  And if there was one thing that Summer Grant needed it was love. She hadn’t had it from her mom or her dad, or from her violent brother.

  She hadn’t had it from anyone. And she deserved it. She deserved every fucking bit of love I had.

  She was more important. More important than this pissy fear that she wouldn’t want me, that she’d walk away from me the way Mom had.

  She was more important than I was.

  Which meant I had to suck up this stupid fucking fear of mine and go out and tell her how I felt. How I loved her, how I didn’t want to leave her. How I’d do anything in the world for her, anything at all.

  She might not want that shit, but she might. And if there was even one chance she would...

  I was halfway to the door of the warehouse, all ready to go after her, when someone knocked, and I wondered who the fuck it could be. And then I didn’t care because whoever it was could get fucked, because I was going to go get Summer and this time I wasn’t going to let anyone stand in my way.

  I reached for the door and then flung it open.

  And found Summer standing on the other side.

  She was in jeans this time, but she was still wearing my T-shirt, and her hair was loose and falling all silky and pale down her back. She had a backpack slung over one shoulder and her blue eyes were gazing at me all wide and dark and vulnerable.

  My entire body rang like a fucking bell.

  ‘Can I come in?’ Her mouth was fragile, that fucking honesty of hers written all over her face. ‘There’s something I want to say to you.’

  I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe she was here.

  I gripped the doorframe, white-knuckled. ‘I thought you didn’t want to come back.’

  ‘I know.’ That gorgeous lower lip of hers trembled. ‘I was wrong.’

  Something squeezed hard around my heart. ‘You cross this threshold, you’re mine,’ I said, not taking my gaze from hers, making sure she was absolutely clear. ‘I let you go once. I’m not doing it again.’

  Colour washed over her face and I saw relief in her big blue eyes.

  And she didn’t say another word. She simply walked through my door as if she couldn’t think of anything she’d like better.

  The fist around my heart squeezed tighter as she came in, and I shut the door after her, turning to face her.

  She let her backpack slip onto the ground and she was staring at me, her pulse frantic at the base of her throat.

  I took a step towards her, wanting to touch her so badly I ached, but she held up a hand, stopping me in my tracks. ‘W-wait,’ she stuttered. ‘I just want to say something. So, I went to my dad. And I basically told him he was to leave you alone and that if he didn’t, he’d never see me again.’ She swallowed. ‘Then I told him I was going to the West Coast and my new job, whether he liked it or not, and that he couldn’t stop me.’

  ‘Summer, I—’

  ‘No, I haven’t finished. He didn’t like it. He told me that the reason Mom never came back to me was because he had threatened her. He told her he’d take me away where she could never find me.’

  That bastard. That fucking bastard.

  But Summer went on before I could say anything. ‘I think that was the moment I finally realised that he wasn’t scary. He was just a bitter old man who was afraid and trying to get power any way he could.’ She took a quick breath. ‘He was weak, Tiger. And I was stronger than he was. Anyway, long story short. He won’t be bothering you. Keep told him you were the one who brought me in anyway, so there’s no drama with the club.’ She was talking very fast, like she had to get it all out at once. ‘But the main thing is... God, this is hard... I lied. I lied when I told you I didn’t want to come back to you. Because I did. I wanted to come back and I...I was afraid that if I did, I’d never want to leave. And then you’d get sick of me—’

  ‘Summer—’

  ‘No. Let me finish.’ Her voice was thick and there was a glitter in her blue eyes. But she straightened her spine, threw back her shoulders, looked straight at me. ‘I left because I was afraid. And I want you to know that I’m not afraid any more. I know what’s important now. And it’s you, Tiger. It’s you.’

  The fist around my heart released all of a sudden and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I swept her up into my arms and held her close, feeling her long, slender body shake against mine. ‘You brave little idiot. Don’t you know that I’m never going to get sick of you?’ I said, holding her as I carried her over to the couch. ‘What’s mine stays mine. And you’re mine, baby girl. You were mine the moment I took you out of the clubhouse.’

  ‘Oh, Tiger.’ She wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her face to my throat, her voice going all muffled. ‘I’m so sorry I lied. I was scared. I couldn’t see how you’d want someone like me—’

  ‘Shush.’ I sat down on the couch, everything inside me suddenly loose and easy, like a rusty engine finally being oiled. Then I arranged her in my lap with her head on my shoulder, so I could look down into her slightly reddened eyes. ‘You’re the smartest person I know. Plus you’re t
he bravest and the strongest. You stood up to your dad. You stood up to me. You don’t take any of my shit and I respect the hell out of that. Not to mention the fact that you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Fuck, you light up this place like the sun.’

  She blinked, her mouth going all vulnerable again. ‘Really? You really think that about me?’

  ‘Yeah, I really do. I don’t know what the hell you’d want with a dumbass like me—’

  ‘You’re not a dumbass!’ She looked fierce. ‘No one else gets me when I talk math, but you do. We think the same way, Tiger. And you’re smart. You’re probably as smart as I am.’

  I shook my head, trying to ignore how much I loved hearing her say that to me. ‘I dunno if that’s true.’

  ‘It is true.’

  ‘You’re fierce, baby girl. You’re going to give me a big head.’

  ‘Good.’ She looked very serious all of a sudden. ‘Look, I don’t need to go to Silicon Valley. I’ll stay here, find something else. I don’t care what. As long as I’m with you, it doesn’t matter—’

  I put a finger on her lovely mouth, silencing her. ‘Oh, hell, no. You’re not giving up that job.’ She began to protest, but I pressed my finger harder. ‘Quiet, I haven’t finished. I’m going to come with you to the West Coast.’ Her lips moved beneath my finger, but I kept it right where it was. ‘You need that job, Summer. Like I already told you, you’re so fucking smart and you deserve every fucking chance, and you’re taking it, end of story.’

  Her eyes were very wide and full of questions, so I let my finger slide away. ‘But what about the club?’ she demanded instantly. ‘I know how important that is to you. You can’t give that up for me.’

  ‘Bullshit I can’t. I’ll go nomad. Which means I’ll be a kind of a scout for the club, send back intel, that kind of shit. Hell, maybe I’ll even think about setting up a new chapter. In the meantime, I can set up a workshop if I want. I can work on bikes anywhere. But the important thing is that I want to be with you. And if that’s what I have to do, then I’ll do it.’

  ‘But, Tiger—’