An Officer and a Gentleman Wanted: A Romantic Comedy

by Beverley Watts

  Wednesday 23 September

  1730 I’ve had a really interesting day today.

  Firstly there was a meeting between the movers and shakers in the College (plus me!) this morning. It seems that the Saudi Navy would like to send a small contingent of their Officer Cadets to be trained at BRNC. They will be needing English language training first so I just may actually have to go to Riyadh to discuss the possibilities with the head of the Saudi Navy (little old me – I can’t quite believe it).

  Of course I won’t be going alone; Commander NTE will be accompanying me (although not sure how useful he’ll be if some Sheikh wants to carry me off into the desert…)

  I’m not quite convinced it’s going to happen but, if it does, it’s likely to be pretty soon as I’ve been told to make sure my passport is up to date and start the process for obtaining a Saudi Visa.

  Don’t know whether to be thrilled or petrified.

  Watch this space…

  Secondly, (definitely not ecstatic about this one) I’ve been asked if I want to take part in the Royal Marine Commando Challenge Charity event in 2 Saturdays time.

  For those not in the know, the Commando Endurance Course is used by the toughest of the tough – the Royal Marines – to train their new recruits and once a year they allow members of the public to find out first hand exactly how it feels to get down and dirty, (but not in a good way) all for charity.

  There are apparently obstacles with elegant names such as ‘The Sheep Dip’ and the Crocodile Pit.’ I’m completely at a loss as to why some people might actually find this enjoyable. That said, I do feel under a certain amount of pressure in my new high profile role, (basically been told to get on and do it) so I’ve reluctantly agreed to be part of the team.

  The blurb on the website is a bit off putting though…

  “REMEMBER – this is a military fitness course and you should train like the Royal Marines do. During your training runs, drop and do press-ups, squats and crunches. This will prepare you for the frequent mid-race changes from running to crawling and back again. It’s fair to say that on the cross country portion of the Challenge the maximum distance between obstacles can be as little as 500meters.”

  What the hell is a crunch…?

  We have a resident Royal Marine based at the College who is going to put us through our paces.

  And, on the positive side, all this exercise means that I can quite legitimately forgo the rabbit food in favour of muscle building protein.

  If only I didn’t have to run (and crawl) 4 kilometres at the end of it…

  I hope Prince Andrew appreciates all this effort.

  Thursday 24 September

  0830 Think I’m dying…

  Came into work at 0730 this morning to take part in the first Commando training session.

  On the plus side I now know exactly what a crunch is and am intimately acquainted with the muscles used to execute one.

  On the minus side I’ll be lucky if I’m actually walking again by the time we are supposed to be doing the bloody course.

  Whose frigging idea was this?

  1030 I’m completely starving and coffee and biscuits in the Wardroom are calling (I gave my own stash away to Nelson in the interests of reducing temptation…)

  Unfortunately, as predicted, the backs of my calves feel like they’ve just been given a 20 minute stint on the rack, so it could take me a while to get there.

  But then perseverance is my middle name (especially when there’s a biscuit at the end of it…)

  Never let it be said that I have no strength of mind.

  1040 It’s taken me nearly 10 minutes to get down the stairs. As I round the last bend, the noise on the Quarterdeck alerts me to the fact that it’s Shareholders – how could I have forgotten? (This is what too much exercise does for you…)

  I hobble over to join the queue for coffee and unobtrusively look around to see if Rob’s here (I can do inconspicuous when necessary).

  We’re now in to Week 3 and I’ve got no further forward in persuading him to ditch his bimbo girlfriend in the interests of a more mature, worldly wise sex machine on legs (aka me – or rather me when I’m not hobbling around like a 90 year old).

  Come to think of it, I still don’t know how old he is. I’m beginning to think it’s time to toss subtlety aside.

  1045 I finally have my coffee and can see Rob standing chatting to the 1st Lieutenant. Unfortunately he’s over the other side of the room and the Commander is about to start his weekly College news update.

  Still, resourcefulness is my middle name (after perseverance).

  I sidle slowly (and carefully of course – if I fall over today I think they may well have to stretcher me off) around the various groups while all the time trying to look as if I’m hanging on the Commander’s every word and be inconspicuous at the same time (no easy feat, I can tell you).

  Suddenly, unbelievably, I hear the Commander say my name and every eye in the room is centred on me expectantly…

  Problem is, I might have looked as though I was hanging on every word, but sadly I haven’t got a clue what he was on about.

  I now understand just how a rabbit must feel when it’s trapped in oncoming headlights.

  I stand completely mute (it’s not often I’m lost for words) frantically trying to think of something to say.

  Luckily the person I’m standing next to takes pity on me and repeats the Commander’s question in a low voice.

  He simply wants to know how many are taking part in the Commando Challenge.

  Breathing a sigh of relief, I lose my hunted expression and pass on that there are currently 5 of us – but of course we could always do with more recruits… There’s a light sprinkling of laughter, the underlying tone of which is ‘You must be bloody joking.’

  The Commander finishes by advising people to come and see me if they’re interested in taking part (no idea why he thinks they should come and see me – I’m the last person who knows what’s going on…)

  Still, it means that I have to stay where I am – just in case. I have no choice but to abandon my attempts to corner Rob and force him to confessing undying love (or at least get him to ask me up to his office for a coffee – bit like showing me his etchings).

  I don’t anticipate a stampede of volunteers – some people actually have a choice of whether they risk life and limb to make a complete tit of themselves.

  1105 I will definitely be buying the Commander a drink at the next Happy Hour. Turns out his announcement did me a huge favour.

  Rob actually came over to tell me how impressed he was with my ‘go getting’ attitude and that although he would be unable to take part due to spending the weekend with his son, he’d be more than willing to support me in any way he can (I can think of a few ways off the top of my head but didn’t think it appropriate to mention them in front of polite company…)

  End result – we swap mobile phone numbers.

  Definitely a sign.

  He did sort of indicate that he expected to walk off the Quarterdeck with me. However, due to the fact that I’d been standing in one spot for the last 10 minutes, my legs had seized up all together and I was unable to move.

  I couldn’t reveal this of course, not while he was under the impression I’m a lean mean running machine! So I waved him on with the excuse that I really should wait to see if there are any more prospective idiots (sorry challengers) who wanted to sign up.

  Of course, once his back was turned, I frantically attempted to get my lower limbs working again by lifting alternate feet of the floor (while avoiding any life threatening hopping movement).

  Then I limped slowly back to the Language School.

  1715 Have spent the rest of the day holed up in my office working out timetables and catching up on emails. Luckily it’s been raining for most of it so I don’t feel so bad not taking Nelson for a walk. Have now got to somehow get myself to the car – should be ok as long as I take it slowly. For once Nelson’s endless
stopping, sniffing and peeing will work to my advantage – providing he doesn’t start the ritual while we’re walking down The Corridor. (Think I’ll go the back way again just in case.)

  2000 Frankie offers to give me a massage providing I wash my feet first and then cover the offending digits with 2 pairs of clean socks.

  However, as tempting as the thought of my youngest daughter pummeling at my lower extremities is, (not) I decide to opt for a long hot bath instead with the aim of giving my aggrieved muscles a good soaking. (The last time they were forced to perform like this was in 1985 when I was coerced into taking part in the parents’ 3 legged race at Rosie’s school sports day – my ex-husband is 6ft2.)

  2130 Beginning to get seriously concerned that I may actually have to wear flatties tomorrow if there is no improvement – thighs now starting to hurt as well…

  Does this mean I can get out of training in the morning?

  Friday 25 September

  0800 Apparently not. Was ordered to jog on the spot for 20 minutes to loosen the muscles and improve my circulation. Now sitting in my office with the requisite bottle of water, feeling hot, sweaty and pissed off – mainly because my legs are actually feeling much better and I’m stuck for the rest of the day wearing (can hardly bring myself to say it) flat pumps…

  Since when have I allowed common sense to get the better of me – why oh why didn’t I bring a pair of heels as back up just in case.

  I look like a munchkin in flat shoes – I’ve had to forgo wearing my customary suit and opt for the more casual skirt and sweater rig (you know the outdoorsy look complete with scarf and thick tights). Problem is, this get-up is fantastic if you’re 6 feet tall with a figure that resembles a twig.

  However, it doesn’t look quite as eye catching (well not for the right reasons anyway) if you’re 5 feet nothing with boobs that rival Katie Price in her Jordan days!

  I sigh. Why should I be surprised after the week I’ve had.

  Still, at least we’ve had no cadets fall asleep in class – must have made a lasting impression on the little darlings last week. (Have to say I’m pretty damn good at being an authority figure.)

  1230 Spoke too soon. 2 students fell asleep in Caroline’s class (she made the error of dimming the lights while playing a DVD – fatal mistake).

  Have decided to forgo lunch in the Wardroom and go the whole ‘outdoorsy’ hog by taking Nelson for a walk. Don’t even have to change into trainers; just throw a poncho over the whole ensemble.

  From a distance (about 400 metres…) I could be mistaken for a model out of Country Living magazine…

  Keep my head down though just in case I bump into someone I know.

  1315 Just got back in to the office to find a text from Rob asking me why I missed lunch – woo hoo.

  Decide not to answer straight away – don’t want to appear too eager…

  1325 The 2 students who fell asleep are now waiting outside my office for their sentence. I decide to give them some additional duties over the weekend (can’t really give them extra homework as this is theoretically giving the unfortunate impression that homework is a punishment – like we didn’t understand that at school…?)

  To give myself a little more time to devise something cunningly brilliant, I tell them to return to my office after class.

  1450 Have so far failed to come up with anything remotely likely to dissuade them from falling asleep in class again so decide to go into the ILO to conspire with John – he’s ex navy so should be able to come up with something suitably unpleasant.

  1610 It’s official. I really am now the most unpopular person in the language school (and possibly the world).

  Throughout the weekend the 2 unfortunates will have to report hourly to the Commander who is providentially (of course he might not regard it in quite the same way) in the College both Saturday and Sunday.

  Every time they knock on his door, he will give them something else to do…

  Of course this won’t continue throughout the night, they’ll be able to stop after dinner.

  Brilliant isn’t it – what on earth would I do without John?

  1645 We haven’t had chance for a staff meeting this week, so we decide (in the interests of informality and a spot of team bonding) to do it down in the Royal Castle.

  I still haven’t responded to Rob’s text and he’s no doubt now left the site to zoom off to his girlfriend. I haven’t forgotten to send it however (duh) This is all part of my clever strategy to make him think of me while he’s with her (I just have to decide what to say and when the best time to send it is (in other words when is it going to be most awkward…)

  It will definitely while away the three quarters of an hour I’m in the ferry queue.

  1700 My glass of wine is going down far too well. Need to pace myself a bit – I can’t have another because I’m driving.

  It’s no good; I’ll just have to have some chips…

  We order a bowl between us (that way we can hang on to our delusions), and get down to the nitty gritty.

  How are we doing so far in the student development stakes…?

  All 8 Kuwait Navy and 13 of the Kuwait Coastguard will very likely breeze through (they pay attention in class; actually do their homework and hand it in).

  The remaining 2 Kuwait Coastguard and 4 of the Qatar Coastguard stand a pretty good chance of reaching the required language level (they mostly pay attention in class and eventually do their homework and hand it in).

  6 of the Qatar Coastguard are unlikely to achieve the required level unless someone puts a proverbial rocket up their nether regions (i.e. me).

  1 undercover royal who isn’t showing any evidence that he’ll get past “Big Mac please,” at any time in the near future.

  I can feel another cosy chat with Commander NTE coming.

  1830 Am in the ferry queue and ready to create a masterful text in terms of both witty and cool.

  First Draft…

  Hi Rob sorry missed u at lunch but decided to do a 10 mile run instead…

  1840 Second Draft:

  Hi Rob sorry missed u at lunch- had a really busy day today…

  1855 Third Draft:

  Hi Rob…

  Bloody hell, it’s never taken me this long to write a text. What am I supposed to say anyway?

  I need to be amusing yet empathetic; casual yet caring…

  It’s never taken me this long to write a student report.

  And I’m now running out of time – definitely going to be on the next ferry so beginning to panic a bit.

  Maybe I should leave it until I’m home and can get Frankie’s input (hopefully without the smut).

  1935 Arrive back at the flat and, on the positive side, Frankie’s at home with her boyfriend James (who’s a hairdresser so very useful at times like this, being very in touch with his feminine side..)

  Unfortunately he’s in the process of colouring Frankie’s hair so there is hair dye all over the kitchen table and her recently sheared split ends all over the floor (which Nelson promptly decides to roll in before making himself comfortable on the living room sofa).

  I pour each of us a glass of wine and park myself amid the debris to discuss the problem.

  James suggests a raunchy response (maybe he’s not quite as in touch with his feminine side as I thought…)

  Frankie favours the more offhand, laid back approach (which takes bloody ages to compose).

  45 minutes and 2 glasses of wine later, we come up with…

  Hi Rob, didn’t make lunch due 2 ongoing crunching commitments (slightly witty but shows I’m committed – hope he knows what a crunch is…)

  Think about me on the beach this wkend, (conjuring up visions of me in a bikini rather than trainers and tracki bottoms).

  as planning 2 do couple of 4k practice runs. (To the pub and back).

  What r you up 2 this wkend? (So I’ll know whether he’s actually with his girlfriend or not, plus it might open up possible opportunities to flirt).


  X (Really agonised over this but both Frankie and James agreed that he needs a push in the right direction…)

  Think I need another drink.

  Saturday 26 September

  0800 Decide to have tea and toast in bed – with butter. Feeling very depressed. I didn’t hear anything from Rob last night. Just knew I shouldn’t have asked him a question, or ended the text with a kiss. He probably thinks I’m a desperate middle aged woman…

  Plus really have got to do a run along the beach to practice for next Saturday – can’t give my legs chance to go back on strike.

  1200 Rosie, Frankie and James have agreed to meet me at the Boathouse (they’re taking the car and Nelson in the interests of allowing me free rein to sprint some of the way should I feel the urge…)

  And they’ll have a large glass of rosé ready and waiting for me.

  1230 I finally arrive gasping and wheezing. All four of them (including Nelson) are looking at me with grins on their faces.

  I refuse to rise to the bait and gathering my dignity, simply sit down and help myself to a large swallow of wine (medicinal).

  Truth is, I’m too knackered to talk. Really beginning to get a little worried about my ability to rise to the challenge so to speak.

  We order from the bar and, in my depressed (nobody’s ever going to want me) state, I opt for scampi and chips with the justification that I might as well be fat as well as lonely, but also (on the off chance that the loneliness bit might be temporary) with the understanding that I fully intend to run back as well.

  Unfortunately my offspring (plus James) are getting a bit fed up with my self-pitying mood so are not remotely interested in hearing my “Why oh why hasn’t he texted me back?”

  Also unfortunately, they are all so taken with giving me a lecture concerning zipping up man suits and growing some balls, that none of us are actually taking any notice of Nelson.

  And again unfortunately, the lady on the next table is having a very passionate conversation with her partner involving much hand waving and gesticulating.