An Officer and a Gentleman Wanted: A Romantic Comedy

by Beverley Watts

  1030 Still staring at the computer. I can hear the students clambering down the stairs for stand easy. I don’t move.

  1230 Still staring at the computer. I’m vaguely aware that it’s lunch time but the thought of food makes me want to throw up.

  Nelson’s given up on me and retreated to his chair (of course he’s a bloody man).

  Suddenly my phone pings with a text message.

  It’s Rob

  My heart begins thumping erratically and I’m tempted to simply delete it without reading but despite everything, pathetically, I still want to believe that there’s been some kind of horrible mix up.

  Heart pounding, I open the message…

  Bev. I’m so sorry 4 what happened yesterday. Been trying to pluck up the courage all morning to call u but didn’t know what to say. Had no idea Tracy would be in my cabin, really thought it was over between us. Can u please give me some time to sort myself out?

  For a second I actually think I’m going to be sick. My head is now throbbing in time with my heart.

  What do I say? Do I hang on to the few pitiful crumbs he’s tossed at me? Sit here and wait just in case it doesn’t work out again with his bimbo girlfriend?

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath and then begin texting back…

  No worries Rob. We had fun but it was nothing serious. Hope all goes well between u & Tracy

  I just can’t do it all over again. I simply can’t.

  I press send.

  Friday 13 November

  1615 Have managed to avoid Rob all week – which to be fair hasn’t been all that difficult given that I’ve not actually left my office except to go home.

  Since replying to Rob’s text, I’ve gone from staring at a blank computer screen, to throwing myself into my work which has helped keep the demons away during the day and of course, I’ve finished the Saudi report in record time (nothing like a spot of heartache to make a person focus on, well, anything, to keep the misery at bay).

  And, if I’ve been drinking far too much in the evenings, Rosie and Frankie have been wise enough not to say anything.

  The teachers just think I’ve been too busy to hold a staff meeting but that’s something I can’t put off for much longer. I’ll need to hold a meeting on Monday to discuss the final 4 weeks leading up to the end of term language tests.

  Which is another way of taking my mind off the mess that is my love life.

  Sarah’s been calling me all week. She knows something’s wrong, especially when I made an excuse to avoid Shareholders yesterday (after a whole week away – think she’s convinced an alien has inhabited my body).

  She finally came up to my office this morning and made me promise to have a pre-ferry drink with her down at the Cherub. She had a very determined look on her face which doesn’t bode well for my determination not to talk about it.

  What she doesn’t realise is that the way I’m feeling, she may well be driving me home afterwards…

  1900 Actually feel a little better. Stuck to one glass of wine (ok it was a large but give me a break) and although I tried to make light of what had happened, she could tell that the whole thing has affected me badly.

  By the time we left, she’d decided that we would be attending every social function taking place in the College in the lead up to Christmas, including ‘Dine Leavers’ in Week 12; the Cocktail Parties in Week 13 and culminating in the Christmas Ball at the end of Week 14. My protestations fell on deaf ears. I think ‘F*ck Him’ was the term she used.

  In the end it was easier to agree than to continue arguing.

  Maybe my enthusiasm will pick up once I’ve had another few glasses of wine this evening.

  I smother the little warning voice in the back of my mind that tells me I’m drinking too much.

  At the moment it’s dulling the pain and that’s all I can deal with right now.

  Week 11

  Monday 16 November

  0700 In the office early this morning – couldn’t sleep so thought I might as well come to work.

  Don’t think Nelson’s very impressed with my miserable face, my nocturnal rambles or my early starts; the clue being that he’s starting to camp outside my mum’s flat.

  Bloody traitor! Still I can’t really blame him; even I’m pretty pissed off with looking at my face.

  I went to the Boathouse yesterday with Jackie, Rosie, Frankie and James

  Think maybe they’re pretty pissed off too.

  1030 Sarah’s determined to get me down to the Wardroom for Stand Easy but I’m equally determined not to go. I promise her faithfully I’ll go tomorrow.

  I know I’ve got to see him sometime. Just can’t face it today.

  God I’m such a wimp!

  1645 It’s time for our long overdue staff meeting. Not only do I owe it to my hard working staff to give them a heads up about the possibility of 60 plus Saudi teenagers darkening our classrooms next summer but I also need an update about our current crop of linguistically challenged cadets…

  Plus of course we have to chat about our proposed brand new all singing all dancing Military Language Course…. (Wouldn’t want to think that all my suffering on Dartmoor was for nothing.)

  1750 Actually feeling much better. We’re on track to push through about 70% of our Internationals which I am very relieved about (it’s pretty much a miracle actually).

  Of course HRH is highly unlikely to be one of them (I’m more likely to win the lottery…) Still, his Embassy (and subsequently his father – I hope) are aware of the situation and are happy (relative term) for him to stay in language training for another 14 weeks.

  Our MLT (Military Language Course) is coming along nicely, and, last but not least, the teachers actually seemed really pleased about the proposed Saudi Summer School (so naïve…)

  Can’t think why I didn’t remember how much better it is to focus on work rather than romance.

  From now on I’m determined to concentrate totally on being a professional woman of the world.

  Tuesday 17 November

  1105 Took the plunge and went to the Wardroom for Stand Easy. No Rob thank goodness.

  Wednesday 18 November

  1115 Sarah dragged me down to Stand Easy again and still no sign of Rob.

  Beginning to relax a little.

  Thursday 19 November

  1025 Shareholders! I know I’ve got to do it but I’ve decided to wait a bit and walk in when it’s pretty crowded. Then, if Rob’s already on the Quarterdeck, I can retreat without being noticed. If he isn’t, I’m less likely to be noticed if he does come in.

  Good plan…

  I know I’m looking good (mainly because I spent an hour making sure of it this morning). A bit pale (but that’s always interesting). And, the one good thing to come out of all this, I’ve actually lost a few more pounds (drinking but not really eating – not a good long term strategy I know).

  I can do this – Eat your heart out Rob the Rat…

  1105 Beginning to think Rob’s actually fallen off the face of the earth. Wanted to pluck up the courage to ask Sam where he was but bottled out at the last minute.

  Am now battling images of him cosily ensconced in his cabin with ‘Tracy’. Perhaps he’s taken the week off to be with her… Maybe she’s been staying with him since Sunday? Oh God, even worse, now I’ve got images of them in bed together.

  I chant PWOW to myself as I head back up the language school stairs (short for professional woman of the world – it’s easier just to chant the acronym when I’m feeling low. Pause. I’ve definitely been here too long…)

  Roll on end of term!

  Week 12

  Monday 23 November

  1615 I’m sitting in my office waiting for the lessons to finish so that I can swan in and give a little pep talk to those students in the 30% ‘underachieving’ category (most of them are Qatar Coastguard – no surprise there). I’ve also got to break the news to them that their Military Attaché is venturing down in to the wilds of Dartmouth
on Wednesday in an effort to rally his troops so to speak and encourage them to try a bit harder (really not sure what threats he’s likely to be using but he’s definitely left it a bit late – sort of shutting the gate after the horse has bolted as it were). I’ve never met Captain Al Baker but have been assured by Rashid at the Qatar Embassy that he is ‘very good man’.

  Technically I should be working on what ‘encouraging’ words to say, but in reality I’m actually trying to come up with excuses not to go to Dine Leavers on Thursday. Sarah has put my name down and issued various threats if I chicken out…

  Dine Leavers happens once a term and is the opportunity for all members of the Wardroom to get together to say goodbye to those leaving at the end of the term. It usually consists of a Mess Dinner followed by outrageous (and very often false) dits concerning the unfortunate individuals leaving. (Not actually attending the dinner doesn’t spare you from being laughed at.) The speech usually falls to the Commander of the College in his capacity as WR president. Of course the proverbial ‘dirt’ is fed to him from fellow officers who very rarely take any prisoners..

  I’m actually only still working here because I daren’t leave…

  Sarah’s told me she has it on good authority that Rob’s not intending to come.

  I don’t ask where he is or who’s told her.

  I don’t want to know.

  1645 Feel a bit like Queen Elizabeth I of England when she was rallying the troops at Tilbury prior to the Invasion of the Spanish Armada in 1588. (The history of this place is definitely going to my head.)

  Hope she got a better response from her troops than I have with mine.

  So, enough with the encouragement, now it’s on to the threats…

  1700 The thought of their MA coming to see them definitely caused the Qataris to sit up a bit and look a trifle alarmed (made me wonder what Rashid’s definition of ‘very good man’ actually meant). In fact I thought a couple of them were going to burst in to tears.

  None of them attempted to appeal to my better nature though – perhaps they’ve learned more than I thought…

  As I watched them troop down the corridor, I did notice that they were actually a little more regimented and, more amazingly, their uniforms were definitely fitting better (think John’s put a stop to the late night takeaways).

  So it’s not all bad…

  1730 Am in the ferry queue and my thoughts inevitably turn to Rob. Feeling pretty low. I haven’t even got the heart to risk life and limb preventing a car from jumping into the queue directly in front of me.

  The whole thing just makes me so sad. I really thought I’d finally met someone I could truly spend the rest of my life with.

  I shouldn’t have allowed myself fall for him so quickly. I should have guarded my heart and simply followed my head, making sure I held myself back like every other time since my divorce.

  Maybe I’ve just been too long on my own.

  The queue begins moving. I put the car in gear and sigh, just as Nelson leans forward from the backseat and rubs his cold nose on the side of my neck.

  Much better to stick to a dog.

  Wednesday 25 November

  0830 Made an effort to look extra smart today in preparation for the Qatar Military Attaché arriving at 1130. I haven’t brought Nelson in to work having learned the hard way that ginger dog hairs and Embassy Ambassadors are not a good mix.

  I am hosting Captain Al Baker for lunch in the Wardroom along with Commander NTE (sorry Steve!) which I’m dreading for a couple of reasons:

  1. Don’t want to see Rob.

  2. Don’t want Rob to see me.

  I know that we’re bound to bump into one another eventually. Just don’t want it to be during a high profile foreign visit.

  1115 John will bring the Captain up to my office as soon as we’ve been notified of his arrival. We’ll have coffee and biscuits in here whilst discussing the small ‘problems’ we’re having with a few of his cadets before he meets with the condemned few to administer his beating (sorry, pep talk).

  I’ve been to the Naafi to pick up a decent packet of biscuits and now I’m left waiting in my office twiddling my thumbs…

  1145 John has been alerted by the main gate that our guest has arrived and so I spend the next few minutes checking my appearance, fumigating the office and de-hairing Nelson’s chair…

  Mind you, think I might have overdone the air freshener.

  1155 I can hear John voice as he comes up the stairs along with a much deeper tone answering him in (very attractive) broken English.

  John knocks briefly on my door before pushing it open and gesturing behind him to my (as yet unseen) guest.

  Captain Al Baker murmurs his thanks and steps past John and into the room.

  Bloody hell.

  He’s absolutely gorgeous…

  Think Johnny Depp with a slightly darker complexion and an Omar Sharif accent.

  In uniform…

  For a few seconds, I’m completely unaware that I’m gaping at him with my mouth open.

  Luckily, John comes to the rescue by coughing slightly and making the introductions. Unfortunately I can feel my face begin to flame as I step forward to shake hands.

  “Please, take a seat.” I’m relieved to note that my voice sounds reasonably normal.

  “Thank you,” He responds, seating himself in Nelson’s chair and glancing round. “I was told you have a dog.”

  Oh God, can he smell dog? I resolve to give Nelson a bath the moment I get home…

  “Er, yes I have but I erm haven’t brought him in today.”

  “Ah, what a shame, I’ve heard such interesting things about him and I was hoping to meet him in person so to speak.”

  His smile reveals a row of beautiful white teeth and, as I stare helplessly at the immaculately presented Adonis sitting in his chair, I can only give silent thanks that Nelson isn’t here…

  As the silence lengthens, John gives me a puzzled look and asks the Captain if he’d like coffee or tea.

  What on earth is wrong with me? Anyone would think I’ve never seen a handsome man before…

  As John goes off to make coffee I make a concerted effort to pull myself together, determined to focus on the purpose of the Captain’s visit.

  Mind you, at least he’s taking my mind off Rob…

  1225 I’ve finally begun to relax. Despite his superstar looks, Captain Al Baker (call me Salim) really does appear to be ‘very good man’. He shows concern as well as empathy for his struggling cadets – traits which are not always a given in the higher ranks.

  As our discussion draws to a close, I ask John to go and gather the ‘problem’ cadets together into an empty classroom.

  It’s my intention to leave them to it and collect the Captain for lunch shortly before 1300. (Which gives me enough time to freshen up my make-up just in case Rob is in the Wardroom…)

  At the very least I can look good.

  As I start to rise from my chair, the Captain asks me if I’ve ever been to Qatar.

  Shaking my head with a smile, I sit back down.

  “You will love it,” He continues leaning forward in his chair. “I am returning home next year – I will love to show you around…”

  Assuming that his use of ‘will’ rather than ‘would’ is due to a grammatical mistake as opposed to a prediction, I smile politely before saying, “Thank you Salim. If I come to Qatar, that would be lovely, and very kind of you.

  He leans forward and I instinctively do the same. Then, in a low intense voice he says passionately, “Come to my country Miss Beverley, I will look after you.”

  We stare at one another for a second as I wrestle with what I’ve just heard.

  Is he making me a proposition? I open my mouth, just about to inform him that despite what he may have been told, keeping Military Attachés happy is not in the ‘Head of English Language’ job description…

  “My wife will look after you; my children will look after you; my whole famil
y will look after you…”

  I shut my mouth again with a mixture of relief and maybe, if I’m honest, a little bit of disappointment. Both dwarfed by overwhelming gratitude that I hadn’t actually spoken the words on the tip of my tongue out loud…

  As I show the Captain to his cadets, I shudder inwardly at the possible ramifications of that particular misunderstanding.

  Still – might have to find an excuse to visit the Embassy in London…

  Thursday 26 November

  1100 Really can’t get on with anything. Absolutely dreading tonight in case Rob turns up.

  We still haven’t seen each other since the fateful Sunday and my imagination has since gone in to overdrive (had him married and off on his honeymoon this morning).

  All confidence gained from receiving a gorgeous man’s attention yesterday seems to have disappeared out of the window and haven’t got Nelson here to help me feel loved and needed…

  Really, really hoping he doesn’t go tonight (Rob that is, not Nelson!)

  1700 Have spent most of the day pacing my office. It’s Sarah’s turn to bring the pre-dinner bottle of wine otherwise I might have been tempted to start already.

  Have got to get a grip (PWOW…)

  1830 I’m standing in front of the mirror and have to say I think I look really good. My customary red lipstick has taken away some of my pallor and I’m wearing my trusty long black taffeta skirt with a black and white corset – think 18th century courtesan (the only thing I’m missing is a stuck on beauty patch).

  I don’t usually go quite so over the top, but needs must…

  Black heels and long black vintage earrings complete the look.

  I answer the door to Sarah and she actually whistles bless her.

  Feeling much better than earlier…

  1945 Can’t help myself, I keep glancing towards the door. I’ve checked the seating plan that’s been pinned on the wall and, horror of horrors, Rob’s name is on it.

  The only good thing is he’s not seated anywhere near me.

  And he hasn’t arrived yet so maybe he’s changed his mind…