An Officer and a Gentleman Wanted: A Romantic Comedy
Page 20
He stared gloomily down into his pint. “She said it cast aspersions on her poor mother’s memory. But what she don’t understand Jimmy, is that I’m still a man in my prime. I’ve got needs. I mean look at me – why can’t she see that I’m still a fine figure of a man and any woman would be more than happy to shack up with me.”
Abruptly the Admiral turned towards his friend so that the light shone directly onto his face and leaned forward.
“Come on then man, tell me you agree.”
Jimmy took a deep breath as he dubiously regarded the watery eyes, thread veined cheeks and larger than average nose no more than six inches in front of him.
However, before he could come up with a suitably acceptable reply that wouldn’t result in him standing to attention for the next four hours in front of the Admiral’s dishwasher, the latter turned away, either indicating that it was purely a rhetorical question or that he genuinely couldn’t comprehend that anyone could possibly regard him as less than a prime catch.
Jimmy sighed with relief. He really hadn’t got time this afternoon to do dishwasher duty as he’d agreed to take his wife shopping. Although to be fair, a four hour stint in front of an electrical appliance at the Admiral’s house with Tory sneaking him tea and biscuits was actually preferable to four hours trailing after his wife in Marks and Spencer’s. He didn’t think his wife would see it that way though. Emily Noone had enough trouble understanding her husband’s tolerance towards ‘that dinosaur’s’ eccentricities as it was.
Of course, Emily wasn’t aware that only the quick thinking of the dinosaur in question had, early on in their naval career, saved her husband from a potentially horrible fate involving a Thai prostitute who’d actually turned out to be a man…
As far as Jimmy was concerned, Admiral Shackleford was his Commanding Officer and always would be and if that involved such idiosyncrasies as presenting himself in front of a dishwasher with headphones on, saluting and saying, “Dishwasher manned and ready sir,” and then four hours later, saluting again while saying, “Dishwasher secured,” then so be it.
It was a small price to pay…
He leaned towards his morose friend and patted him on the back, showing a little manly support (acceptable, even from subordinates), while murmuring, “Don’t worry about it too much Sir. Tory’s a sensible girl. She’ll come round eventually – you know she wants you to be happy.” The Admiral’s only response was an inelegant snort, so Jimmy ceased his patting and went back to his pint.
Both men gazed into their drinks for a few minutes as if all the answers would be found in the amber depths.
“What she needs is a man.” Jimmy’s abrupt observation drew another rude snort, this one even louder.
“Who do you suggest? She’s not interested in anyone. Says there’s no one in Dartmouth she’d give house room to and believe me I’ve tried. When she’s not giving me grief, she spends all her time in that bloody gallery with all them airy fairy types. Can’t imagine any one of them climbing her rigging. Not one set of balls between ‘em.”
Jimmy chuckled at the Admiral’s description of Tory’s testosterone challenged male friends.
“She’s not ugly though,” Charles Shackleford mused, still staring into his drink. “She might have an arse the size of an aircraft carrier, but she’s got her mother’s top half which balances it out nicely.”
“Aye, she’s built a bit broad across the beam,” Jimmy agreed nodding his head.
“And then there’s this bloody film crew. I haven’t told her yet.” Jimmy frowned at the abrupt change of subject and raising his head, shot a puzzled glance over to the Admiral.
“Film crew? What film crew?”
Charles Shackleford looked back irritably. “Come on Jimmy, get a grip. I’m talking about that group of nancies coming to film at the house next month. I must have mentioned it.
Jimmy simply shook his head in bewilderment.
Frowning at his friend’s obtuseness, the Admiral went on, “You know, what’s that bloody film they’re making at the moment – big blockbuster everyone’s talking about?”
“What, you mean ‘The Bridegroom?”
“That’s the one. Seems like they were looking for a large house overlooking the River Dart. Needed the mooring too. Think they were hoping for Greenway, you know, Agatha Christie’s place, but then they spied ‘The Admiralty’ and said it was spot on. Paying me a packet they are. Coming next week”
Jimmy stared at his former commanding officer with something approaching pity. “And you’ve arranged all this without telling Tory?”
“None of her bloody business,” The Admiral blustered, banging his now empty pint glass on the bar and waving at the bar maid for a refill. “She’s out most of the time anyway.”
Jimmy shook his head in disbelief. “When are you going to tell her?”
“Was going to do it this morning, but then this business with Mabel came up so I scarpered. Last I saw she was taking that bloody little mongrel of hers out for a walk. Hoping she’ll walk off her temper.” This last was said in a tone of voice that indicated that in the Admiral’s opinion, there was more likelihood of hell freezing over.
“Is Noah Westbrook coming?” said Jimmy, suddenly sensing a bit of gossip he could pass on to Emily.
“Noah who?” was the Admiral’s bewildered response.
“Noah Westbrook. Come on Sir, you must know him. He’s the most famous actor in the world. Women go completely gaga over him. If nothing else, that should make Tory happy.”
The Admiral stared at him thoughtfully. “What’s he look like, this Noah West..chappy?”
The bar maid, who had been unashamedly listening to the whole conversation, couldn’t contain herself any longer and, thrusting a glossy magazine under the Admiral’s nose, said breathlessly, “Like this. He looks like this.”
The full colour photograph was that of a naked man lounging on a sofa, with only a towel protecting his modesty, together with the caption ‘Noah Westbrook, officially voted the sexiest man on the planet.’
Admiral Charles Shackleford stared pensively down at the picture in front of him. “So this Noah chap – he’s in this film is he?”
“He’s got the lead role.” The bar maid actually twittered causing the Admiral to look up in irritation – bloody woman must 50 if she’s a day. Shooting her a withering look, he went back to the magazine and read the beginning of the article inside.
“Noah Westbrook is to be filming in the South West of England over the next month causing a sudden flurry of bookings to hotels and guest houses in the South Devon area”.
The Admiral continued to stare at the photo, the germination of an idea tiptoeing around the edges of his brain.
Glancing up, he discovered that he was the subject of scrutiny from not just the bar maid but by now the whole pub were waiting with baited breath to hear what he was going to say next.
The Admiral’s eyes narrowed as the beginnings of a plan slowly began taking shape. But he needed to keep it under wraps. Looking around at his rapt audience, he feigned nonchalance. “Don’t think Noah Westbrook was mentioned at all in the correspondence; think he must be filming somewhere else.”
Then, without saying anything further, he downed the rest of his drink and climbed laboriously off his stool.
“Coming Jimmy, Pickles?” His tone was deceptively casual which fooled Jimmy not at all and, sensing something momentous afoot, the smaller man swiftly finished his pint and in his haste to follow the Admiral out of the door, only narrowly avoided falling over Pickles who, completely unappreciative of the need for urgency, was sitting in the middle of the floor, unconcernedly scratching behind his ear.
Once outside, the Admiral didn’t bother waiting for his dog, secure in the knowledge that someone would let the disobedient hound out before he got too far down the road. Instead he took hold of Jimmy’s arm and dragged him out of earshot – just in case anyone was listening.
In complete contrast to his m
ood on arrival, Charles Shackleford was now grinning from ear to ear. “That’s it; I’ve finally got a plan,” he hissed to his bewildered friend. “I’m going to get her married off.”
“Who to?” asked Jimmy confused.
“Don’t be so bloody slow Jimmy. To him of course. The actor chappy, Noah Westbrook. According to that magazine, women everywhere fall over themselves for him. Even Victory won’t be able to resist him.”
Jimmy opened his mouth but nothing came out. He stared in complete disbelief as the Admiral went on. “Then she’ll move out and Mabel can move in. Simple.”
Pickles came ambling up as Jimmy finally found his voice.
“So, let me get this straight Sir. Your plan is to somehow get Noah Westbrook, the most famous actor on the entire planet to fall in love with your daughter Victory, who we both love dearly, but - and please don’t take offence Sir - who you yourself admit is built generous across the aft and whose face is unlikely to launch the Dartmouth ferry let alone a thousand ships.”
The Admiral frowned. “Well admittedly, I’ve not worked out the finer details, but that’s about the sum of it.
“What do you think…?”
Table of Contents
Author’s Note
Chapter One: An Officer and a Gentleman Anyone Please?
Week 1
Chapter Two: Undercover Royal
Week 2
Chapter Three: It’s A Dog’s Life
Week 3
Chapter Four: Champagne and Sheep Dips
Week 4
Chapter Five: The Prince and I
Week 6
Chapter Seven: Nelson’s Victory
Week 7
Chapter Eight: Sheiks and Shipwrecks
Week 8
Week 9
Chapter Nine: All At Sea
Week 10
Week 11
Week 12
Week 13
Week 14
Epilogue
Claiming Victory