Gold

by Talia Vance

  Blake’s eyes search mine like he’s looking for answers to the questions neither one of us is ready to ask. “So this is it?”

  “Good luck saving the world.” My smile is forced.

  “What will you do?”

  “Sleep.”

  “And then?” A dimple appears on his cheek. Now that the bond with Portia is broken, Blake is already starting to look more like his old self. Part of me is glad. I want him to be okay.

  “I don’t know. Senior year? Maybe MIT. The gateway is sealed. I won’t be tied to any one place.” To any one person.

  He looks at the ground. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. About everything.”

  I close my eyes against the reminder of what happened to Austin in Avernus. It’s not that I wish that Austin didn’t save Blake. I would’ve done the same if I could. Austin would have probably died anyway. Liam couldn’t have intended to let Austin live. All I know is that now when I look at Blake, I see what he’s not. He’s not the boy who trusted me even when I gave him reason to doubt. He’s not the boy who loved me no matter how much I pushed him away. He’s not Austin.

  I don’t know how long I close my eyes, but when I open them again, Blake has his back to me. He walks down the driveway to a white sedan. He never looks back.

  When I turn around to walk inside the house, neither do I.

  SIXTY-ONE

  I spend another week at Lorcan Hall. I just go through the motions. I sleep and eat and ride, but I don’t dream or taste or feel. I’ve taken to sleeping in Austin’s room, where his smell still lingers in the closet, the pillows, the sheets. Even that’s disappearing, as time erases him.

  Tomorrow, I fly back to Rancho Domingo. In two weeks, I’ll start senior year, right on schedule. I’ll bury myself in books and theories and logic, but my heart will remain here. As permanently as the low wall that was once a castle. As ruined.

  We haven’t had visitors, so it’s a surprise, when Mick comes into the blue room and announces Shannon. Mick is the master of the house now, since Austin left everything to him, but I guess old habits die hard.

  Shannon carries a large box, big enough to fit a pair of riding boots inside. “How’re you holding up?” “Do you want some tea?” I deliberately ignore her question. She’s just being polite. No one really wants to know that I’m breaking into pieces and losing little bits of myself that I’ll never get back.

  “I can’t stay.”

  Did I say that out loud?

  She holds up the box. “I hope you don’t mind that I

  did a bit of personal shopping for you.”

  “What?”

  “It came in yesterday, and I knew you’d want first

  crack at it.” She opens the box and a slip of shiny gold fabric peeks out.

  I catch my breath.

  She unfolds the dress slowly. It’s even more beautiful than what Austin described, with a swath of metallic fabric across one shoulder, a fitted waist and a flowing skirt with a slit in the front that should hit just above the knee.

  “It’s perfect,” I say.

  Shannon squeals. “It’s exactly like you described. Did you see it in a magazine?”

  “Something like that.”

  I don’t blink as Shannon tells me the price, even though I’m fairly certain my parents would not approve of my spending so much money on one dress. But from the second that hint of gold peeked out of the box, I knew I would buy it.

  It’s even more beautiful on. It reflects the sunlight, sending showers of light on the grass and flowers along the trail as I make my way through the trees.

  I pause at the ruined wall, fingering the little horse charm on my bracelet. Part of me wants to rush in. To find Austin and never let him go. But I’m terrified of what it might do to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to lose him again.

  I’m more afraid of letting this moment pass, so I slide the charm into the faded slot.

  The fog surrounds me, covering me in a damp blanket. I tremble as I float. The field gradually comes into focus. I feel the wall of the ruin at my back, hard and scratchy against the thin material of my dress.

  The field is empty, except for purple wild flowers that dot the meadow. I wait for a few minutes, but no one comes. I’m alone.

  I walk towards the hill. The path is wider and easier than it was on the way up, paved by thousands of hoof beats making a daily trek form the house to the field beyond.

  I see a flash of brown hair in the distance. I pick up my skirt and start running.

  I run headlong into Austin, throwing my arms around his shoulders and hanging on tight. His arms come around me as he struggles to stay upright against my assault. He steps backward and loses his footing, falling sideways into the grass. I fall with him. He rolls onto his back, carrying me with him.

  He opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t give him the chance.

  I kiss him.

  He tastes exactly like I remember, like smoke and heaven. He kisses me back, his hands in my hair. We roll in the grass until his weight is over me. I close my eyes and try to memorize the feel of him, running my hands along his cheek, his shoulder, his waist.

  When he finally ends the kiss, his crooked smile nearly breaks me. “That was a welcome for all time.”

  It will have to be. I bring my hand to the flop of hair that hangs in his forehead. “I missed you.”

  “Did you now? I cannot imagine that I would ever leave you for long enough to miss me. If you kiss me like that in the future, I am quite sure I follow you around like a puppy.”

  I laugh, and kiss him again, softer this time. Sweeter. “I love you.” A tear falls down my cheek before I can stop it.

  “And this makes you sad?” Austin rubs my cheek with his thumb. “What have I done?”

  You died. You made me love you and then you died. I shake my head. “Nothing.”

  “Lying to me is not a good way to start this relationship.”

  It’s the beginning for him. I’m jealous of all that is ahead of him, even if he does have to wait over a thousand years for it. I kiss him again, as much to touch him as to keep from having to tell him my secret.

  Austin props himself on his elbows, lifting some of his weight from my chest, but letting his hips sink deeper. “If you do not tell me what I have done in the future, how can I try to make sure it doesn’t happen when I get there?”

  “You don’t believe the future can be changed. You always say that fate will out.”

  Austin laughs. “I sound like a sodding fool.”

  “Bloody fool.”

  “That too. So you are unhappy with me in the future?”

  I keep my words wrapped up tight. No one wants to know that they are going to die. Not the when. Not the how. And certainly not an immortal. “You could say that.”

  “But you love me?”

  “Very much.”

  “Then I imagine we will get through it.”

  I can’t stop the tears.

  Austin kisses them away. “I cannot wait to meet you for real.” His hand brushes my hair away from my face. His brown eyes light with gold. “To know you.”

  “It ends badly,” I finally admit.

  His smile is warm. “Then we will have to make the most of the time we have.”

  We won’t. I will bind my soul to another boy and Austin will hurt my horse and my friends and me. We will only have each other for a few precious weeks before he is gone, gone, gone.

  Before he leaves me forever.

  I force a smile. “It won’t go so smoothly at first. Don’t give up on me, okay?”

  “I am fairly certain that you will not be able to stop my pursuit.”

  I laugh, burying my hands in his hair and pulling him closer.

  “What in the gods’ names is going on?” Gwyn stands over us, her hands on her hips.

  Austin straightens my skirt before he moves off of me, standing to block Gwyn from my line of site. I scramble to my feet, finger combing my hair
.

  “What brings you to Lorcan, Gwyn?” Austin’s voice is laced with a superior air, as though Gwyn is the one who has committed the indiscretion.

  She lifts her chin sharply. “I have been thinking.”

  Something glints in the sunlight from where her hand is resting behind her skirt. I move forward, but I can’t see what she holds.

  “A dangerous pastime for a girl of your stature.”

  Gwyn ignores Austin’s insult and smiles as her mother and another girl walk up behind her.

  Danu’s dark hair is crowned with yellow and purple flowers, just as it was the first time I saw her in Avalon. She is as beautiful as I remember, but less serene looking. She glances at my dress and matted tangle of curls. I pull a dried leaf out self-consciously.

  “This is the girl you would take over Gwyn?” Her question is directed to Austin, but her anger is leveled at me.

  Austin’s laugh is cold. “You set your sights too high, even for a halfling.”

  The girl with Danu steps forward. She looks like Danu, with dark curls that fall past her shoulders. She must be Bronwyn. Gwyn takes Bronwyn’s arm, but keeps her other hand firmly behind her skirt.

  Danu turns her back on her daughters to glare at me. “Gwyn’s lineage is uncompromised. There is no better match for a god to start a new line.”

  Gwyn straightens her shoulders and grins. I see the flash of silver from behind her again. I’m able to make out the ivory handle as she moves her hand, but by the time I see the silver blade, she is already lifting the knife to strike, poised to literally stab her mother in the back.

  I charge her.

  I run as fast as I can, using my head as battering ram. I knock her forward, sending us both careening to the ground. The knife falls out of Gwyn’s hand.

  “Have you lost your mind?” I grab for her wrists, but Gwyn strikes me hard in the face, knocking me backward.

  Bronwyn drops to her knees and reaches for the knife, slashing at my face. I roll away from her and push myself back to my feet. I’m hit by a strong blast of wind. It knocks me straight back. My head hits something hard. Everything is silver.

  I wait for my eyes to clear, then push up on my elbows. Bronwyn kneels over me, the knife raised. I kick out, making contact with her wrist. She drops the knife, and I scramble for it. Gwyn jumps on top of me, her arm around my throat. I strike her in the ribs with my elbow.

  Gold light shines behind us. Gwyn turns to look over her shoulder, giving me the opening I need to break her hold and grab the knife. I spin onto my back holding the knife in front of me. Gwyn backs away as I get to my feet.

  Austin appears in his god form next to Danu. He thrusts his sword at Danu’s chest.

  “No!” I yell.

  He turns toward my voice. He lowers his sword and runs to me.

  “How dare you!” Danu’s face is filled with fury. Her hands fill with fire. She raises her palm toward Austin. I don’t have to do the math to know how this equation ends.

  I throw the knife as hard as I can, watching helplessly as it lands perfectly in the center of Danu’s chest. The fire in her hand dies as she falls to the ground.

  Gwyn laughs from somewhere behind me.

  Bronwyn crawls to her mother and pulls the knife from her chest, but it’s too late. Danu is dead.

  I killed her.

  Bronwyn lifts the bloody knife, her face twisting into a grotesque mask. She runs toward me with the knife drawn.

  The movement barely registers. I know I need to defend myself. To run. Something. But I’m too shocked to do anything but note the familiar hue of grief in Bronwyn’s eyes.

  I close my eyes, waiting for the knife to hit. I see the gold behind my eyes, and open them in time to see Austin standing over Bronwyn’s lifeless body, his sword dripping with blood.

  The blue sky above us turns so gray it’s almost black. Fat drops of rain start to fall all around us.

  “I’m sorry,” he mouths.

  The water comes down so hard, it’s impossible to see anything but shadows moving behind the sheets of rain. I see the outline of Austin, his sword at this side. Perfect. Strong.

  Then he’s swallowed by the darkness.

  I sit down in the mud, letting the rain pelt my skin. With Gwyn’s laughter fading behind me, I finally cry.

  SIXTY-TWO

  Rancho Domingo High School feels different to me now. It’s not just because I’m a senior, not just that people don’t look past me like they did for most of the last three years. It’s that everything is dull and washed out, coated in a gauzy film of indifference.

  Austin thought life was precious because it ended, such an easy thing to say when you have your whole life ahead of you. All I can think of is how pointless life is without him in it.

  Christy and Haley find their new lockers and coordinate a spot for our lunch meet up, but I barely listen. This is what we fought for. Normalcy. And I can’t help wondering if this flat gray existence was worth the price.

  “Whoa. Hot guy alert.” Christy stands up straighter and flips her hair over her shoulder. Haley turns her head. “Nice. Dibs. You already have a boyfriend.”

  I can’t bring myself to care enough to look up.

  “He’s coming over.” Christy bounces on her heels.

  I keep my eyes on the ground, studying a patch of dirt.

  “Brianna?”

  The soft Irish lilt jolts me to life. I lift my head and almost forget that it can’t be Austin. That it never can be.

  Mick stands a few feet away, his red hair cut into a modern style. His hands are stuffed awkwardly into the pockets of black jeans. Even without the mutton chops, he stands too straight to pass for a high school boy. I feel myself start to smile.

  “You know him?” Christy watches me with new respect. I haven’t told them much about my summer in Ireland. They know that there was a battle and that people died. And that I don’t want to talk about it.

  I wave Mick over. “What are you doing here?”

  He shrugs as he walks toward us. “I inherited a house here.”

  Austin’s house. “That doesn’t explain what you’re doing at R.D. High,” I say.

  Mick’s eyes flit to Christy and Haley, before they settle on me. “I thought I’d stay awhile.”

  I nod, letting the full weight of his words sink in. Mick is not going to opt out of his role as a giolla. He’s going to try to stay on earth for at least a little while longer. I guess it makes sense that he’d want to be close to Joe now. And Sam will be with Braden at U.R.D.

  I barely have time to introduce Mick to Haley and Christy before the first bell rings. Haley and Christy head off in the direction of their first period dance class, but Mick doesn’t move. “The horses will be here next week,” he says.

  “You’re bringing the horses?”

  “I was hoping you would help me train them to jump. I think Tally, especially, could benefit from the extra exercise.”

  “Okay.” I feel a small smile forming on my lips. Panda would make a cute hunter. And Tally’s athleticism would probably make him a fabulous jumper, if I can figure out how to rein him in. “What makes you think I can get Tally under control?”

  “This from the girl who brought a god to his knees?”

  My heart constricts in my chest. No one has mentioned Austin since I’ve been back.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean—” Mick pulls a folded piece of paper out of his front pocket. “Maybe you could help me find my first class?”

  “You’re really going to high school?”

  “I thought you understood.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “If I stay, I have to align myself with someone.”

  Me? “A giolla wants to align with a bandia?”

  “It’s not the first time.”

  I’m guessing there’s a story there. “I don’t think I qualify anymore.”

  “You qualify whether you want to believe it or not.”

  Mick looks different wi
th his new haircut and clothes, but it’s still impossible to look at him, impossible to hear his accent, without thinking of Austin. Before I can stop myself, I blurt, “I miss him so much.”

  He swallows. “Me too.”

  Students move around us, racing to stake out seats in their new classes. Mick and I stand frozen. I see the answering sadness in his eyes.

  “There’s no one to talk to,” he says. No one who knew him.”

  I close my eyes. He’s right. It’s been so hard to keep it all inside. There’s no one I can talk to about what happened with Austin. No one who will understand.

  Mick pushes the crumpled schedule at me.

  I take it from him and unfold it. “You have AP Calculus?”

  “Don’t sound so surprised. I was educated at Oxford.”

  “When, in the 1800s?”

  “And the 1960s. Most recently in 1998.”

  I laugh. It’s a foreign sound on my lips. “I had you pegged for a Cambridge man.”

  He opens his mouth in disbelief.

  “You know you don’t have to do this.”

  “I don’t have to do anything. I am giolla.” His posture changes, becoming impossibly straighter. As he says the words, there is no question of the power he wields. The power to compel human behavior. To maintain a delicate balance. To restore a god’s powers.

  I meet his gaze. “Is there a way?” Can Mikel bring Austin back to me?

  Mick takes the schedule from me. The second bell rings. He looks around the empty hall. “We’re late.”

  “If we’re going to hang out, you can’t dodge my questions.” I can’t hide the desperation in my voice. I can’t stop the tide of hope that rises in my chest. Mick is more powerful than a god.

  “It’s forbidden.”

  “But possible.”

  “The giolla cannot afford to indulge self-interest. It would upset the balance.”

  “I don’t care about balance. I care about Austin.” It feels good to say it out loud. I want to scream it at the top of my lungs. I’m tired of holding it in.

  “You should care about balance.” Mick rests a hand on my shoulder. “It’s the only thing that keeps this world from falling into complete chaos.”