Zero Regret: Z and Lilly, Part Two (Lost Kings MC Book 13)

by Autumn Jones Lake

  She seems to be asking because she genuinely wants me to be happy. Not because she thinks being with an officer of the club will give her some power, like most women who associate with MCs.

  “Not really. I don’t mind the responsibility. Trust me, Rock keeps me plenty busy. Downstate are my brothers too, but it’s not the same.”

  “So, Upstate is your immediate family—brothers and sisters. Downstate is more like the cousins you only visit on Thanksgiving and Christmas?”

  The comparison draws a chuckle out of me. “Yeah, something like that.”

  “But Rock doesn’t seem like he’ll ever retire. There’s no chance for you to move up if you stay at your club, right?”

  Again, there’s nothing in her voice to suggest her question is about anything other than concern for me. “It’s not about that. There is no “moving up” as far as I’m concerned. We’re each in the role that serves the club best.”

  “Oh.” She’s quiet and seems to be thinking that over. “Murphy’s your Road Captain, right? What’s his specialty?”

  “Well, he supervises the maintenance of club vehicles.”

  “Ahhh…I remember Hope saying something about Murphy taking care of her car and I didn’t understand why. Now I get it.”

  “That’s not all. He plans our travel routes when we go on a run. He’s the enforcer of the road rules on a run. Executes the commands when we ride in a larger pack.”

  “So, he’s good at that stuff.”

  “The best.”

  “Wrath, I understand why he’s in his position. No explanation needed.”

  “It’s more than just scaring the shit out of everyone. He helps steer our meetings, enforces the club bylaws—”

  “You have bylaws?”

  I grin at her. “Yeah, sweetheart.”

  “What else?”

  “Our jobs overlap in places, so we work together a lot. He hands out punishments when a member breaks a rule—”

  “Punishments?”

  “Can be anything from a fine for missing a meeting without a good excuse or a beating for showing another member disrespect.”

  “Wow. You actually beat each other up?”

  “Why do you sound so surprised?”

  “I don’t know. It seems a little barbaric.”

  “All those caveman jokes have a grain of truth, Lilly.”

  “I guess so,” she mutters. “So, what else can you get your ass kicked for? Is that something you can tell me?”

  “Lots of different things. Dishonoring the club. Repeatedly showing up late for meetings. Hitting on another member’s old lady.”

  “Really?”

  “Hell yes. That’s not taken lightly. The property patches the girls have? That’s so when we’re with other charters, they know who’s off-limits.”

  “Oh.”

  I sense the confusion. “They’ll know you’re off-limits because I’ve made that clear.” Of course, I plan to patch Lilly. I just don’t know which club I’m going to ask to vote on her yet.

  “Hope says it’s like an engagement ring?”

  “More than that.”

  “Oh.”

  I glance over. “I want you to have my patch, Lilly. There’s a certain ceremony to it, though, and things have been…”

  “Up in the air?”

  “Yes.” That and I’m not sure my brothers trust her enough yet to vote her in. And Downstate doesn’t even know her let alone trust her, so their votes wouldn’t be as meaningful if they’d even give ‘em. From what I’ve heard, Steer can be just a big of a dick as Wrath when it comes to accepting an old lady into the club.

  “Most offenses…seem related to behavior.”

  “Respect is everything.” How do I explain in a way that she understands, but doesn’t scare her? “While I enjoy your quick wit and sharp tongue, be careful when you’re speaking to any patch member.”

  “Of your club?”

  “Any club.”

  “Would they beat me up?” Her voice holds a hint of lightness, but I answer her seriously anyway.

  “It depends. I’d handle it, but I’d rather not be in that situation if I don’t need to be.”

  “Z,” she says with an edge to her voice that makes my skin prickle. “Do you think I’m a bitch to everyone I meet?”

  “That’s not what I was trying to say.”

  “Are you worried I’ll embarrass you now that you’re in this new position?”

  “Embarrass me? No.”

  She huffs and fiddles with her dress. “Have you ever received a beating from Wrath?” she asks.

  Thank fuck we’re veering to another subject. “In the early days, yeah. We kicked the shit out of each other for fun, though. Our SAA, Grinder, was the one who kept us in line.”

  “Have I met him?”

  “No, he’s been in prison for years.” The fun I’m having explaining these things to Lilly dies at the mention of Grinder’s name. “He should’ve been out a couple years ago. Hopefully soon. He’s a good guy. Never should’ve been inside.”

  She squeezes my leg. “I’m sorry.”

  “Haven’t visited him in forever. I really need to do that.”

  “You still visit him?”

  “We all do from time to time. Make sure he’s taken care of.”

  “You do?”

  “Fuck yeah. He’s still a brother. When he’s out, we’ll help him get set up again too.” What I don’t say is we’ll transition him back into the club slowly. Prison can put you under the influence of a lot of different elements. Out of desperation to survive, inmates can end up aligning with people you’d never do business with on the outside. Sometimes those ties are hard to break, even after they’ve been released. We’ll take care of Grinder, but it will be a while before he’s allowed back at the table for sensitive club business.

  It’ll be awkward as fuck since he went in as an officer of the club. And hell, I might not even be there to help him adjust if I’m still taking care of Sway’s charter. Sway’s managed to fuck up my life in so many ways I can’t keep track.

  “Go straight on nine,” Lilly prompts, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  The Tipsy Owl looks more like a house than a restaurant. The parking lot’s so damn small, I’m glad we took Lilly’s car instead of my truck.

  Ted’s waiting for us on the back porch. His face brightens when he sees Lilly, making me want to punch him again.

  The kiss on the cheek and, “Hey, babe,” he greets her with has me ready to throat-punch him.

  Should be a fun evening.

  There isn’t enough wine in The Thirsty Owl to make me forget this dude tried to marry my woman.

  I don’t care why he asked. For Lilly’s sake, I try to behave. Mostly I listen to them talk about stuff throughout dinner, only adding comments or grunts to the conversation as necessary.

  “Not quite how I thought we’d spend our night together,” I say against her ear after the waitress clears our table.

  “Well, I appreciate it,” she whispers back. In a louder voice, she says to her friend, “Ted, you’re headed home tomorrow?”

  “First thing in the morning.”

  The waitress returns and sets the check in the middle of the table. Ted reaches for it, but I snatch it up first. “You’re our guest, Ted.”

  He sits back and gives me a quick smirk. “Next time, I’ll buy.”

  My smile’s so tight, my jaw aches. “That’s cute you think there’ll be a next time.”

  Lilly glares at me, and I wink at her.

  Ted’s not offended. His mouth twitches in amusement. Maybe he’s not so bad. “When you come out to pack up her place, I’ll take you guys out.”

  “Can’t wait.” That’s not a lie. I can’t wait until she’s back here permanently.

  “If you two will excuse me…” Lilly stands and tosses her napkin on the table. She turns her pleading please behave eyes on me once before leaving.

  Ted leans over the table. “I’m glad you g
uys worked things out.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “Are you?”

  “Does it hinder my plans a little? Sure, but I want her to be happy.”

  So many questions form in my mind. I don’t think I could get them all out before Lilly returns. Even if I could, my pride won’t let me. I don’t want to beg some other man for information about my woman.

  “Lilly said she’s moving a couple hours south with you?” he asks.

  “Yup.”

  “That’s good.” His gaze shifts in the direction Lilly disappeared. “You’ll be there to watch out for her.”

  My curiosity overrules my pride. “What kind of doctor are you, anyway, Ted?” Somehow the subject hadn’t come up all night.

  “Emergency room.”

  “That’s how you met Lilly?”

  He hesitates and then nods.

  “Was she in an accident?” The more I’ve thought about it the more unlikely it seems the woman I know could have tried to kill herself. So maybe it was an accident she caused and feels guilty about?

  His eyes widen for the briefest second before his face settles into something more indifferent. “Not really.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Come on, Z. You know I can’t discuss stuff like that.” He’s not saying it to be a dick. The guy actually seems stressed he can’t share. I’d like to say I respect him for keeping Lilly’s confidences, upholding his doctor oath and all that bullshit, but at the moment it’s making my life difficult.

  “She said she discovered she was pregnant out there.”

  He leans forward and takes a sip of water and finally meets my eyes. “She loves her son more than anything.”

  There’s a lump in my throat that makes it hard to respond. “I know she does.”

  Both of us turn and notice Lilly approaching the table. She stops to talk to our waitress and Ted taps my hand. “She’d never give me details and I don’t know if she ever discussed it with her therapist…afterward. But something forced her to leave here.”

  For a while I figured that something was me, but given everything Lilly’s said since she returned, that theory makes no sense.

  “But she only came back because her dad was in the hospital.”

  He snorts and shakes his head. “I doubt it.”

  “Oh good, neither of you are bleeding.” Lilly’s cheerful voice interrupts us.

  Time’s up. If I want more information, I’ll have to shake it straight out of the source.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Z

  “DID you have to be so mean to Ted?” Lilly teases on the way home.

  “Mean? I thought I was a delight.”

  She laughs so hard she has to fight to catch her breath. “You’re an MC president now, you can’t say things like, ‘delight.’”

  “Babe, I can say anything I want.”

  More than ever I need to have that conversation with Lilly.

  “Wait.” Lilly taps my arm. “You missed the turn for Alex’s place.”

  “No, I didn’t. Chance is staying with Alex tonight.”

  “What? When did you—”

  “You and I need to talk.”

  “Z,” she protests. “You should’ve told me.”

  “But then you would’ve tried to talk your way out of it.”

  “No, I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t impose on my brother—”

  I reach over and grab her hand. “It was the most civil conversation we’ve had.”

  “Well, I guess that’s good,” she grumbles and yanks her hand away from me and crosses her arms over her chest. She turns and stares out the window and we both fall silent.

  Space and distance. I’ll give her those for now. Once we get to the house, I’m going to hit her hard and fast with the questions I know damn well she doesn’t want to answer.

  For the next few miles, I absorb the silence and prepare myself for the fight ahead of us.

  Lilly

  I’m going to throw up.

  Between Z running back and forth from the downstate club and me preparing for the move, we haven’t had a lot of time to sit down and have a heart-to-heart.

  Or to dredge up every one of my nightmares from the last few years.

  I kind of hoped Z would forget and we could skip this.

  Wishful, foolish thinking.

  By the time he pulls into the driveway I’m shaking uncontrollably.

  “Lilly, we’re home.”

  “Not home anymore,” I whisper.

  “Anywhere I’m with you is home.” He steps out of the car before I can respond and opens my door a few seconds later. “Come on.” He holds his hand out and I take it. As I step out of the car, he pulls me against his chest and slides his hand down my back and over my ass. “You look so fucking hot tonight.”

  I lean up and kiss his cheek, then whisper in his ear. “So do you.”

  In response, he growls low in his throat. “Don’t try to distract me, woman.”

  “You started it.”

  “March your ass inside that house.”

  Maybe it’s the lovingly cocky way he says it, but I’m more turned on than annoyed with the command.

  Inside the house, I walk directly into the kitchen and flip the burner on under my tea kettle. Z stands in the doorway watching me.

  Neither of us seem to know where to take the conversation.

  “Do you want some tea?”

  “I’m fine.” He comes closer and pours a glass of water. “Meet me in the living room when you’re done.”

  I take so long that he finally calls out to me. “Come on, Lilly.”

  My tea is still too hot to drink, but at least the cup warms my hands, even if my insides are turning to ice.

  Sitting next to him, I tuck one foot under me and wait. He sets the tea on the coffee table and takes my hand.

  “Tell me about this.” He traces his finger down my arm.

  “I already told you.”

  He laughs softly. “Nice try, pretty girl. You didn’t tell me a damn thing.”

  I bristle from the accusation, even though he’s right. It annoys me that he insists on worming his way into my personal, private hell.

  “There are some things I’d like to keep to myself,” I whisper.

  His features soften, almost twisting in pain. “Not this, Lilly. I need to know.”

  “I’m not going to do it again.”

  “That’s not what I’m worried about.”

  We sit there locked into a battle of wills that I already know I’m going to lose. Because of Chance, I owe Z the truth.

  Fear and panic claw at my throat, stealing my words. As if my brain knows I’m about to betray all my secrets and is signaling my body to revolt.

  I’m in charge.

  Deep breath.

  I can do this.

  Z’s incredibly patient while inside I’m at war. I unburdened myself in California. I had to at the time. But those people didn’t care about me. They didn’t know me before. I was nothing more than a job.

  I don’t want to burden Z with this pain.

  And just like back then, I’m afraid of what he’ll do when he finds out. Afraid of the trouble he’ll get himself into because of me.

  I’d never forgive myself.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Z

  “WE’VE GOT ALL NIGHT, LILLY.” It’s not a threat. I want her to understand that I’m here. Waiting and ready for whatever she has to tell me.

  She swallows hard and meets my eyes for a brief second. The pulse at her neck is jumping and she seems to be having trouble breathing.

  “Come here.” I pull her into my arms. “Easy. Just breathe. Nothing you have to tell me will ever push me away.”

  She sniffles and nods. After a few seconds, she seems to pull herself together. Resilient and brave, that’s how I’ve always seen Lilly. Strong. That’s what I was trying to make her understand by giving her the pendant earlier.

  As if she heard me, she reaches up and traces her fingers over th
e mermaid at her throat.

  “After Rock and Hope’s wedding…when we said we were going to—”

  “Move in together?” I finish for her, because fuck, that was a big step for me and the way things went down afterward still stings.

  “Yes.” She runs her hands over her legs a few times and blows out a breath. “The next day at work, I got assigned a special project, which meant long hours for me. That was unusual at that time of year because the legislature isn’t in session, but I was flattered to get the assignment.”

  “Why flattered?”

  “Because, I think I told you many times. My job consisted of writing policy analysis and proposals that would end up sitting on someone’s desk. No matter how qualified I am…or was, I put up with a lot of shit.”

  “Like what?” I growl.

  “I don’t want to get into that right now. Let’s just say a lot of legislators are old, rich, white men who aren’t interested in the opinions of younger, educated females. They’re still busy sneaking cigars in their offices and complaining how it’s not ‘PC’ to slap your secretary on the ass anymore.”

  “Shocking.” I don’t say it to be dismissive. More like, nothing shocks me anymore. And I’ve dealt with enough crooked politicians to know most of them are about as advanced as your average cave-dweller.

  “Anyway, this was a big project. I wanted to move up at some point and this could’ve done that for me. I was…flattered that I’d been chosen for it. I thought maybe finally someone noticed more than my big tits for a change.”

  My stomach tightens with the anticipation of where this conversation is headed.

  “I feel so foolish now. I should’ve recognized what was going on. He wasn’t interested in anything I had to contribute. We’d have these long discussions about my research and I thought he valued my opinions, but the whole time…”

  Her voice trails off and she glances away.

  “Go on.”

  Her hands ball into fists in her lap and she takes several deep breaths. “Jesus, I don’t think I can do this.”

  “Take your time.” I move closer to wrap an arm around her shoulders and she stops me.

  “Not right now. Please.”

  I pull away, even though it kills me.

  She stands and paces in front of me. “I said it was long hours, right? That wasn’t so unusual when we were in session. Especially around budget time. But in the fall, a lot of people take time off. It can be like a ghost town in our…in those offices.”