Clay's Way

by Mastbaum, Blair

  I’m jealous. Who is this friend? Does he like him?

  We walk out of the shed through my backyard.

  I see a couple flakes of white frosted glass in his hair. “You’ve got some light bulb in your hair.” I reach up to his head.

  He stops and leans over.

  I brush it off, feeling electrical charges beam off of him.

  He gets a chill and shakes. He feels it too. “Wanna come to this party tonight? It should be pretty rad.”

  Oh, my fucking God. I feel my mouth turn up and smile. I wish I had a mirror so I could adjust my expression to not look stupidly happy as I do now and come off like some sort of eager little boy who wants to be cool.

  We walk into my kitchen and he hops up on the counter.

  I can’t formulate a yes without sounding like an over-eager idiot. I feel like I’m standing with a blank look on my face and my mouth dropped open like in cartoons.

  Mom honks her horn outside.

  “Oh, fuck.” Clay’s truck is in the driveway. I look down and realize I still have the saw in my hand. I shove it in the oven and grab the garage door opener from the stupid wicker basket on the table by the back door. I push the button and stick my head out the door leading from the kitchen to the garage to scream at my mom out front. “Hold on!” I slam the door behind me and run around the kitchen like a maniac making sure no evidence is lying around, checking every surface.

  I tell Clay, “Go out the back door.”

  “What’s up? Does she beat you?”

  “Uh, no. She’s just weird. I don’t know.”

  “Fuck that.” He walks out of the kitchen, then out the garage door toward her car.

  I want to scream stop and tackle him to the ground, but I can’t move or speak. Two completely different worlds are colliding and I feel helpless. A warm fuzziness makes my stomach feel weird. It’s like I’m being cared for. He’s forging my way for me.

  He leans down into the Volvo’s driver’s side window. “Hey, I remember you. I sold you the skateboard. I’m Clay. Need me to move my ride?”

  “Yes, Clay, that would be nice.” Mom sounds bitchy. She stares at his tattoos like they’re leprosy.

  Clay struts over to his truck. “So, you wanna come or not, brah?”

  Mom pulls the Volvo into the driveway and pops her trunk. Groceries fill it to the brim.

  Don’t be a dork. Stay calm. Don’t act like it’s the best thing you’ve ever heard. I take a deep breath. “Yeah.” I wave him closer. “On the corner, OK?” I point up the street.

  He nods and winks at me, like it’s funny that I had to say that all secretly. “I’ll pick you up at 7. Cool, brah. Laters.”

  “Bye.” I wanna say “I love you” and blow him a kiss. I want to make him sign a written agreement to confirm that he’ll show up.

  He gets in his truck and revs the engine. He peels off, making a loud screech, a thin trail of smoke, and a black mark on the street.

  I can’t take this. I want to run after the truck like a dog. I stare into the street, imagining what his truck looked like in our driveway with him sitting inside it, paying attention to me, talking to me. I think about his face and try to plant the image in my mind forever.

  “Are you going to help me with these bags?”

  “Why are you such a bitch?”

  “Goddamn it. I had three open houses today and I’m tired. Don’t be a brat. Who was that boy?”

  He’s my fuel for survival, the reason I’m alive. How can she not sense that? “He told you--Clay. You met him, remember? He’s my friend.”

  “Well, you’re not getting in that truck with him, so don’t bother asking. He drives like a maniac.” She points down the street where Clay just drove off. “There’s no reason for that kind of showing off.”

  A good sign, I think. Maybe she feels like he’ll take me away, steal away her baby, violate her sense of family, affect me in ways that I never thought of.

  I hope so.

  I grab a bag of groceries, walk into the house, throw them on the kitchen counter and sneak out the back door to the tool shed to get Clay’s discarded cast. I shove it under my shirt and run to my room. I lie back on my bed and stare at it and smell it.

  Chapter 5

  Brisk walk, crisp Spring day

  Hoping for cherry blossoms

  Sticking to my feet

  I shut my door--so my parents won’t know I’m gone—and climb out my window into the warm, still evening. The streets are empty. There’s the savory smell of hamburgers cooking on barbecues, which makes me hungry. I’m missing dinner by leaving early to meet Clay so I can have some time to cool off, and so I don’t come off as too excited about a party he probably thinks is no big deal. I walk down to the end of my street where the road’s paved and the streetlights and driveways are paved, but the houses aren’t built yet.

  I sit down on the curb in front of a big hole in the ground, dug for the foundation of a new house. I wait, trying to look normal, leaning back, not too upright, not too reclined. I take some deep breaths to calm myself, then I stare at my arms and flex my biceps to try to make it look like I’m all cut. I lean back and look at the world upside-down. I’ve been waiting for at least 15 minutes and I’m starting to think he’s not going to show up, which would fling me right back into my life before him—pretty fucking boring stuff. If I had a watch I’d check it over and over again like some Republican waiting for a late private jet about to miss out on some third-world real estate development deal. “Fuck!” He’s not coming. I’ll never get to be so close to him again. I get really sad, like real gnarly depressed. I could cry or hit something hard that would rip my fist. I look up at the sky. “Fuck you, sunset!”

  Clay pulls up. He nods and just sits in his truck--doesn’t motion for me to get in or wave, or anything.

  I don’t know what to do. Time is moving extremely fast now, almost canceling out the whole time I waited, which must have been like half an hour. I wish I had instructions or something. I stand up, open the door, and jump in. “Aloha.” I slam the door.

  “Careful, brah. Almost spilled the shit.” He has an open baggy of white powder in his hand. “I got some coke. Do you want some?”

  “Uh... maybe later.”

  “Sure? It’s good shit.”

  I love when he calls me that, even though I don’t feel like his brah. “OK, sure.”

  He peels off like in movies. We whirl past half-built houses laid out along paved streets. The newness of the un-built neighborhood turns me on in a way. Everything’s possible at this point. This neighborhood could turn out to be a luxurious retreat with looping driveways or a slum with cars up on cement blocks and boat parts scattered through the lawns.

  We stop abruptly and he turns the truck off.

  Everything goes quiet. It’s the loudest, most obnoxious silence I’ve ever heard. It’s unbearable. I feel like kicking and screaming to break the spell.

  “OK, man, you done this before?” He looks serious.

  My heart beats faster. “Yeah.”

  “No, you haven’t.”

  “No, I haven’t.”

  He can read my mind. We’re meant for each other. “Dude, find something to make lines on. I think there’s a CD case or something on the floor.”

  The black shirt he had on yesterday is on the seat between us. I want to steal it to smell and beat off with. “I don’t see anything.” I reach up to the rear-view mirror and try to snap it off. “I think these come off.” It breaks off in my hand.

  “Oh great, you broke it, you little punk.” He looks at me with intensity.

  “Sorry.”

  He smiles. “No worries.” He was joking, thank God. He pours a small pile of coke from the plastic bag onto the mirror and divides it into two equal rows with his driver’s license.

  I lean my head to see the photo. He had dreadlocks then, down to his shoulders. I’m glad he cut it. He looked like a hippie.

  “OK, man.” He rolls up a 20. “Here
you go.”

  Adrenaline floods through my veins. There’ll be a TV movie of the week about me--the 16-year-old coke addict living in paradise. “You go first.”

  “OK.” He leans down over the mirror, within inches of my crotch, and snorts. He looks experienced and confident, like one of those kids in an anti-drug commercial, rebellious and dangerous and cool.

  My turn to snort.

  I hope I don’t fuck this up. I can handle this.

  He holds the mirror to my face.

  I lean down and bump it with the rolled-up bill. Some powders my lap and dusts my T-shirt with whiteness. He’s gonna be pissed. I’m such an idiot.

  “Careful, brah.”

  I’m doing everything wrong. This is like re-learning how to be cool. “Sorry.” I lean down and snort up what remains of my line. It burns my sinuses.

  He accidentally scrapes over my crotch with his license and pushes the spilled coke onto the mirror.

  My dick gets hard from feeling him touch me, even though it’s only a driver’s license. I act like I’m readjusting myself or whatever, and pull my shirt down to cover it. I feel great, like a perfect machine.

  We get out and walk over to a dugout hole in the ground with a wood framed skeleton of a house built on top of it. The dirt is layered, like an Earth science model, all different shades of yellow, orange, and red. The colors of clay.

  He pulls his little BMX bike from the back of his truck, and rides into the dirt yard and slams on his brakes. His wheel spins out to the side, spraying clumps of dirt into the air. In one solid motion, he stands up smoothly and scrunches up his T-shirt sleeves. He looks powerful and amazing, like a wild wolf superhero, all jumped-up on coke and proud of his perfect skid.

  I jump down into the pit, getting my Etnies all orange with dirt. He rides down the incline into the pit after me, and kamikaze falls off his bike, leaving it to crash into the other side of the pit. He rolls on the ground and comes to a stop on his back. His shirt pulls up and I can see his side corrugated with the impression of his ribs. The fall knocks the wind out of him. He looks vulnerable.

  The street lamp flips on. The light has a strange sort of yellow buzz to it and the colors of the dirt and his hair and skin look more intense.

  It turned on for us. There’s no one else around and no one lives here to need it. It turned on to help me see Clay, to help me stare at him. He’s one of the wonders of the world, along with Halong Bay and the Great Wall of China.

  He catches his breath and gets up. He tries to look tough and unaffected by wiping the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve and then scrunching it up again above his shoulder. “It’s all about knowing how to take a fall. Wanna learn the best move ever for defending yourself?”

  “Sure.”

  He stands behind me and holds my arms out. The heat from his body radiates through his clothes and warms my skin. His chest muscles flex and tighten against my back. “OK, bring this hand up. Stand up straight. Stomach in, shoulders back. Think of your head being pulled to the sky.”

  I let my body go as he directs me.

  “Good.” He pulls my arm back. “Now, bring this forward and slice the air here.” He pushes my arm forward, slicing through the still air. “Like that.”

  It feels good and powerful and efficient, like a strong punch and at the same time, a beautiful, artistic stroke.

  “Now, try it alone.” He walks in front of me and folds his arms.

  I feel like I’m auditioning for him. I raise my arm and as hard as I can, bring it forward though the air. I lose my footing and fall onto my back with a thud. It’s horrible, the most uncoordinated stupid thing I could do. I feel my face turn red.

  He leans down and looks me over. “All right?” He examines my face. “There’s something in your eye.”

  I want to reach up and kiss him.

  Supporting himself with one arm, Clay rubs a piece of grit from my eye. “You’ll get it. That’s the most important movement in Karate.” His eyes dart and move around my face.

  “I like it though. It’s cool. It’s like art.”

  He sits down and looks into the sky. “Exactly man. That’s what people don’t get. It’s art… it’s beautiful.” He looks at me in a long, strange moment of quiet. A bird chirps overhead and breaks it. “Oh, man, this party. We have to motor.”

  We get into the truck. He turns the radio on to some punk rock song and cranks the volume up high. He lights up a cigarette.

  I drop my lighter and it hits my knee and bounces to his side of the floor, near his feet and the gas pedal. I lean over to get it and smell him on the way down.

  We turn a corner and I see the party. It’s totally wild. Cars are parked all over the place. Kids are scattered through the yard. A guy carries a keg on his shoulders onto the front porch. The house is built on stilts and it looks like it might fall down from all the people bursting out the front door. A guy and a girl are on top of each other, making out under the house. I feel a wave of insecurity. I don’t know if I’m cool enough for this. I’m afraid I’m not going to be able to talk.

  Clay pulls into the front yard and turns off his truck. He shoves his bag of coke and his lighter and cigarettes into his pocket.

  I get nervous instantly and my boner goes away.

  A guy walks up to us. His eyes sparkle like a dog’s in the headlights. He has lots of tattoos and he’s wearing a black T-shirt with the sleeves cut off. His arms are muscular and his complexion makes him look like he has a thin coating of oil all over him, like a car mechanic. He’s tough-looking, but skinny, like a bull dog puppy. He has two black pitbulls on leashes.

  “Miller’s here. Rad.” Clay jumps out and runs over to the guy and throws his arms around him. “Aloha, brah! Welcome back. How was Guam?”

  “It sucked, brah. Tree snakes everywhere.”

  I get out of the truck, feeling stupid that I don’t know anyone. My outfit isn’t near punk enough for this party. I nod to the guy and Clay looks over at me like he forgot I was here.

  “Miller, brah, this is my boy Sam.”

  I nod to him, trying to seem tough. “Aloha.”

  “Aloha, dude. Howzit?” He gives me a warm smile, which feels good, like soft warm sunlight on my face.

  I follow him and Clay up to the house. On the front porch, kids hang out on old couches and chairs. A guy with a green mohawk barbecues on a greasy grill. Beer cans and plastic cups are thrown everywhere. A burned-up mattress is discarded by the side of the house. It’s cool, a whole new world I didn’t even know existed. It’s anarchistic. It’s crazy. It’s like the kind of place where you can do anything.

  We go inside the trashed house. There are lots of couches, extension cords everywhere, empty beer bottles all over the floor, and a pile of skateboards by the front door. Huge speakers scream out NOFX and Rancid and all the music I really like. Surf posters cover the walls and a goat skull hangs above the stereo system, which looks like the most expensive thing in the room. Groups of shorthaired, tanned, skinny, muscular dudes walk in wearing skateboard T-shirts and cut-off cargo pants. Girls with dyed black hair hang out and laugh. They all seem cool, but intimidating, partly because they’re all older than me.

  I look like I live with my overly-protective parents. I sit on the couch, which is coated with dog hair.

  Clay flops down on a chair across from me, right next to the keg. He nods to the music and bangs the drumbeat on the arm of the chair. “Better than middle school birthday parties, eh, brah?” He looks fucked-up. His pupils are huge and he has a grin that’s halfway between scared and ecstatic.

  I get up for a beer. “I’m 16, dude.” I punch him lightly on the arm. Too lightly. I hope I didn’t seem like I just wanted to touch him.

  “I know, brah. Just playing with you.” He pumps the air pressure thing on the keg for me while I fill my plastic cup.

  I’m being too literal. This always happens to me when I get nervous and feel like I have to prove myself.

  A guy w
alks into the room.

  Clay jumps up. “Franky-boy! Howzit?” They hug each other, then Clay looks at me. “Franky, this is Sam. He looks like he could use some weed.”

  I smile. “Hey.” I’m buzzed already. I hope I don’t end up puking tonight.

  Frank hands me some pot and papers. “Roll one, brah?”

  “Uh, sure.” I can’t believe how cool this world is. Guys hug each other. People just hand you pot. Everyone’s drunk and cool and old enough to do what they want to do. I wanna grow up so bad. “Smells like good shit.” I hope they think I know what I’m talking about.

  Clay smiles approvingly and goes off upstairs with Frank, to do more coke, I think.

  I sit down and try to seem high and out of it, so I don’t have to talk to any strangers. I’m horrible at it. I lose my personality completely when I’m forced to be entertaining or interesting. I don’t think these dudes, except for Clay, would like me if they really knew me. I write haiku. I don’t surf. I hate the sun.

  They think I’m like Clay because he brought me. They think guys who think like I do are fags.

  “Little Sammy turned into a joint-rolling slave,” a girl’s voice says. Someone taps my shoulder.

  I flinch and look up.

  It’s Kendra. Jared’s sister. She looks older and cool, sort of relaxed in a totally mellow way.

  Instantly, I remember lip-synching fake Joni Mitchell concerts in her bedroom, baking cookies with rum and vodka and anything else we could find to put in them. One New Year’s Eve, when we stole liquor from her parents, we shot off a huge M-80 Super-Rocket and it misfired and burnt down her shed. They’re all embarrassing things in the context being at this party. Majorly lightweight shit. I smile. My stomach’s flying.

  She leans down to hug me but someone calls her to the kitchen. “Hold on, Sammy. I really want to talk to you.” Her hair tickles my face.

  Her gardenia perfume brings back another time like magic.

  I was waiting for Jared in his room. He was in his family’s living room, being yelled at by his parents. We’d made too much noise the night before camping in a tent in his backyard. We were playing strip poker with this weird girl, Lisa, from down the street. I was getting pretty turned on or whatever the day before because Jared had this calendar with surfers on it up on the wall and I couldn’t stop looking at it as we were watching horror movies and talking about where to get pot or beer. When he left the room, I locked the door and found this movie I knew called Space Camp. I fast-forwarded to this part I like, with this boy in one of the bunk beds at the camp. I paused the tape at the moment when he sort of sat up, shirtless, to turn his light out. I got a boner and started to jerk off. Just as I was getting really into it and concentrating, I heard a bump and the door flew open.