Charlie Burr and the Cockroach Disaster

by Sally Morgan

  ‘It’s better than nothing, mate!’ he said.

  Was he kidding? No one was going to be impressed with a used-cups-and-small-stone stall!

  Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, out of nowhere Johnno yelled, ‘See some deadly jokes for only fifty cents!’

  ‘What are you doing?’ I hissed. ‘You know we haven’t got any jokes!’

  Two of our classmates, Jason and Robby, left Tim’s stall and came over. They both dropped fifty cents into Johnno’s bag, then sat down in front of our table, grinning.

  I was ready to die of shame!

  But Johnno got all excited. ‘See some wicked jokes!’ he yelled even louder. ‘Only fifty cents!’

  Five little kids left Tim’s stall and rushed over as well. They only chucked in ten cents each, but it was still money. One of the kids was Johnno’s four-year-old cousin, Jeffy.

  Johnno grinned at Jeffy, then pointed to me and Spike. ‘Meet Mr Goannazam,’ he said, ‘and his amazing dancing dingo!’

  Jason and Robby started giggling. Why had Johnno used that stupid name?

  ‘That’s Charlie and Spike!’ Jeffy said.

  ‘Not today!’ said Johnno. ‘Today they are Mr Goannazam and his dancing dingo! Now, watch carefully while Mr Goannazam does something incredible!’ He turned to me and started clapping.

  I looked at Johnno in horror. Something incredible? We hadn’t practised anything! What was I going to do?

  Johnno’s eyes went big, like he’d just realised what a horrible spot he’d put me in. ‘Think of something, quick!’ he whispered.

  ‘Like what?’ I said. When all this was over, I was going to kill Johnno!

  I looked down at the audience. My classmates knew I was in trouble! They were holding their sides and laughing.

  But Jeffy and his little mates were waiting to see what I would do. They looked excited. I was worried they’d cry if I didn’t do something.

  Also, we’d have to give their money back!

  Johnno had stuck me with the Mr Goannazam name, so I decided to make the most of it. I grabbed one of the plastic cups, put the bottom to my mouth and pretended it was a mini megaphone.

  ‘I am the marvellous, magical Mr Goannazam!’ I said. ‘And I’m here to give you some fun, fun, fun!’ Then I shuffled my feet and chanted, ‘Go-anna-zam! Go-anna-zam! ’

  Robby booed. Jason is a good mate of mine and Johnno’s so he told Robby to shut up. The little ones clapped.

  ‘What are you going to do next, Charlie?’ whispered Johnno.

  I’d already made an idiot of myself, so I figured it didn’t matter if I did something really loony.

  I picked up the stone. ‘This,’ I said, ‘is a very tricky stone!’

  Stupid, I know, but it was all I could think of!

  ‘I’m going to hide it,’ I said. I put the stone on the table and put the other plastic cup over it. Then I pretended I was the stone.

  ‘I’m Tricky the Stone,’ I said in a squeaky voice into my pretend megaphone. ‘I need someone to rescue me from underneath this cup!’

  Stupid Johnno got completely sucked in. ‘Haa! Haa!’ he said. ‘Can Mr Goannazam get Tricky out without touching the cup?’

  Of course I couldn’t!

  ‘Of course he can!’ said Johnno. ‘Go-anna-zam! Go-anna-zam!’

  That was it! Johnno was fired as my best mate!

  Robby yelled, ‘Ay, Charlie! You haven’t got a clue what you’re doing, have you? You’re so dead!’

  I stared at the cup. What else could I do? Smoke from Aunty June’s barbecue drifted over us from behind. I coughed and pretended it was part of my act. Dad always puts too much wood on a barbecue. I just kept goggling at the cup and coughing until everyone was wriggling with boredom.

  Then Butch screeched across from Tim’s stall next door. ‘Pooey Charlie! Pooey Charlie!’

  Everyone laughed!

  Butch dropped down to the bottom of his cage and hit the bars on the cage door with his beak.

  ‘Butch hates being in that cage!’ said Johnno.

  Robby gave up on our show and went over and told Tim what a hopeless performer I was.

  Tim laughed and tried to get Butch to screech at me again, but he wouldn’t.

  ‘Come on, Mr Goannazam,’ Jeffy yelled suddenly. ‘Help Tricky!’

  ‘Help Tricky!’ the other little kids shouted.

  ‘Yeah,’ jeered Robby from Tim’s stall. ‘Get the stupid stone out without touching the cup!’

  Luckily for me, my brain zinged with a mad idea! I just hoped it worked!

  I made a great show of leaping wildly into the air. ‘I’ve done it!’ I cried. ‘I’ve freed Tricky!’

  ‘Liar!’ Jeffy cried. He jumped up and pulled the cup away to show everyone the stone was still there.

  Quick as lightning, I grabbed the stone and held it up for everyone to see. ‘I’m freeee!’ I said in Tricky the Stone’s voice.

  ‘See,’ I went on in my normal voice. ‘Johnno told you Mr Goannazam could get this stone out without touching the cup!’

  ‘Haa! Haa! Charlie tricked you, Jeffy!’ another kid said.

  ‘Oh yeah!’ Jeffy said and smiled.

  Jeffy’s mates laughed and clapped.

  Even Jason looked impressed!

  Robby said I cheated, but the little kids ignored him.

  I glanced over at Tim. He was furious. All the kids who’d been standing around his stall had turned away and were heading for ours. They each chucked their fifty cents into Johnno’s bag and sat down behind the little ones.

  ‘We’re making a fortune!’ Johnno said.

  I gave Tim a cheeky wave. He gave me a one-finger salute! This will sound crazy, but I was starting to enjoy myself!

  Then Johnno spoiled everything by saying, ‘Okaaay! Are you all ready for something scary?’

  ‘Yeah!’ the kids shouted back.

  ‘Then heeeere’s Mr Goannazam!’

  I went weak inside. Something scary? All I had were two plastic cups, a stone called Tricky and a dingo pup who had fallen asleep under the table! Why couldn’t Johnno keep his big fat mouth shut?

  I took a deep breath and prepared to make a total fool of myself all over again.

  ‘I am the marvellous, magical Mr Goannazam!’ I shouted. ‘And I’m here to make you scream in fear!’ Then I shuffled my feet and chanted like before. ‘Go-anna-zam! Go-anna-zam!’

  More smoke billowed over. It was thicker and darker this time.

  I glanced over my shoulder and saw Dad had accidentally set fire to Aunty June’s tablecloth. The paper napkins were going up in flames, too! The smoke was so thick I couldn’t see the folding chair where Mum had been sitting.

  I went to yell, ‘Fire!’ but a bit of ash got caught in my throat.

  I gagged, tripped and fell sideways towards the old sports shed to the right of our stall.

  Baaang! I slammed into the outside wall of the shed.

  ‘Gaaargh!’ A strange noise came from inside.

  As if by magic, a freaky figure appeared in the billowing smoke that was now flooding through from the open back of the shed. The figure was waving something in its right hand but I couldn’t make out what.

  ‘Gaaargh! Gaaargh!’ the thing choked loudly as it rushed past.

  ‘Aaaaaaargh!’ the little kids screamed. So did Johnno!

  Spike woke up, stood on his back legs, and danced furiously after whatever the creature had in its hand.

  Everyone screamed again.

  ‘See,’ I said. ‘I told you I’d make you scream in fear!’

  Everyone cheered and clapped. Other kids poured over to our stall and chucked money into Johnno’s backpack. Our show was going great!

  Then the smoke began to fade as Dad finally got the burning tablecloth and napkins under control.

  Johnno turned to our audience and said, ‘Let’s hear it for Mr Goannazam, Monster Mum and the Dancing Dingo!’

  All the kids cheered and clapped.

 
I took a bow and high-fived Johnno.

  But what did Johnno mean by Monster Mum?

  Then it hit me. The strange figure with the glowing red eyes, warty skin and wild green hair who’d rushed past through the smoke was my mum!

  I guessed that was a sausage from Aunty June’s stall she was holding in her hand.

  Mum must have shifted her chair into the shade of the shed!

  ‘Crumbs!’ I whispered to Johnno. ‘I hope Mum is all right!’

  Just then I heard Tim shout, ‘Ay!’

  I turned my head to see the door on Butch’s birdcage swing open. Butch hopped out onto the table, flapped his wings and shot into the sky.

  ‘Come back!’ Tim shouted.

  ‘Drongo!’ screeched the bird, from high in the air.

  Johnno grinned, as he watched Butch circle overhead. ‘He’s a lovely bird,’ he said. Then he turned to me. ‘We took a lot of money, Charlie!’

  ‘Do you think we’ve beaten Tim?’

  ‘I reckon it’ll be close,’ said Johnno.

  Tim stomped towards us. ‘It’s your fault Butch escaped!’ he yelled. ‘When that smoke came over, one of you fiddled with the latch on the cage, didn’t you?’

  Lies! All of it!

  ‘Hand over your money!’ Tim said. ‘You owe me big-time for that crazy galah!’

  Was he nuts?

  Tim backed off a bit when Dad dashed over.

  ‘When the tablecloth went up in flames, tons of smoke poured into that shed,’ Dad told me. ‘It hit your mum right in the face. Which way did she go?’

  I pointed towards the school gates. Dad rushed off again.

  ‘You won’t win that mystery prize!’ Tim snarled, walking away. ‘I’ve got a secret weapon.’

  Johnno frowned. ‘Has he, Charlie? Or is he just angry?’

  Why does Johnno always expect me to know things?

  ‘I reckon he’s just being a jerk,’ I said. ‘Come on, we’d better find Spike before he wanders too far.’

  ‘You go, Charlie,’ Johnno said. ‘I’ll catch up.’

  I found the pup hanging out with Sharni and Tia and some of their friends.

  ‘Mum can’t breathe,’ Sharni said. ‘Dad’s taking her back to the Nursing Post!’

  I felt glad Dad had found her!

  ‘Why aren’t you watching Spike?’ said Tia. ‘We found him raiding a bin!’

  I decided it was time to get away from the girls. ‘Gotta go,’ I said.

  I grabbed Spike and rushed off. I still had my last dollar in my pocket. I was hoping to buy something at the fete that the school needed. If I chucked in the earnings from our show and something useful, I’d be sure to win the mystery prize!

  Johnno caught up with me and Spike at a stall selling second-hand things. I told him the plan. We spent the rest of the morning scouring every stall.

  There was nothing useful to buy. Especially not for a dollar!

  ‘The fete’s nearly over,’ I said in the end. ‘We’d better count out our money and give it to Mrs Wilson.’

  But then I noticed Johnno didn’t have his backpack on him.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘Our money is safe! I had one of Mum’s old purses in my backpack. I hid the cash inside that. Then I zipped up the backpack and hid it in the old sports shed! Pretty clever, ay?’

  Except that the shed door was open, so anyone could find it!

  ‘Get the bag, now!’ I said.

  I raced over and told Mrs Wilson our donation was coming in.

  I was just in time. Mrs Wilson was about to speak at the microphone.

  ‘I can only wait five minutes, Charlie!’ she said.

  I told her that would be long enough.

  Spike started whining and sniffing around. What a time to want to poo! I pulled him away to a shady spot behind a gum tree.

  Suddenly the microphone made a squealing sound.

  ‘Once again,’ said Mrs Wilson, ‘our school fete is coming to an end.’

  I thought she was going to wait! I peered around the tree. Phew!

  Johnno was there and he had the bag.

  ‘This year,’ said Mrs Wilson, ‘we have a mystery prize for the stall that made an extra donation to the school. The prize will be presented by Aunty June Watson, who has kindly donated it.’

  Johnno’s mum had donated the prize? Why didn’t Johnno tell me?

  Aunty June stepped forward with a brown paper parcel.

  Spike finished pooing. I kicked some dirt over it to make sure no one would step in it and ran back to the crowd that had gathered.

  ‘I didn’t know about Mum donating the prize, honest!’ said Johnno, when I joined him. ‘She never tells me anything.’

  ‘The mystery prize goes to Tim Slade,’ said Aunty June, ‘for donating a tent for the teachers to sleep in on the bush camp.’

  Everyone clapped.

  My heart sank. ‘No way!’ I groaned. I was devastated. All that worry and hard work performing and we were beaten by a tent! Tim must have got his dad to part with some gear after all. I couldn’t believe it.

  I wondered if Johnno had given all of our money to Mrs Wilson. If he’d kept some back, then maybe there was still time to buy Mum something from one of the stalls.

  But when I asked him, he just sighed.

  ‘I hate to tell you this, Charlie,’ he said, ‘but I didn’t give Mrs Wilson any money at all!’

  ‘What?’ I said in shock.

  Johnno opened his bag.

  It was empty.

  ‘Someone sneaky stole our money!’ Johnno said. ‘And I reckon I know who!’

  I reckoned I did, too. The winner of the mystery prize—Tim!

  It wasn’t just the tent that won him the mystery prize. It was also the stolen earnings from our show that he gave the school. Talk about unfair! I felt mad and miserable at the same time.

  Tim had totally ruined Mum’s birthday for me! What was I going to do now?

  Last night Johnno kept apologising for leaving our money bag in the shed. ‘It’s all my fault, Charlie!’ he said. ‘If I hadn’t left it there, Tim wouldn’t have stolen our money.’

  At first I’d felt really mad at Johnno for doing something so stupid, but it wasn’t really his fault Tim was so mean.

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve got five cents at home,’ said Johnno. ‘You can have it, mate.’

  I shook my head. ‘It’s okay, Johnno. It’s too late now. Mum’s birthday is tomorrow! Anyway, what was the mystery prize your mum donated?’

  Johnno shrugged. ‘Beats me,’ he said.

  Spike jumped up onto my bed. He always knows when I’m feeling upset. He gave me a lick on the cheek, then settled down beside me. Why did things always go wrong? The whole week had been a disaster!

  Suddenly there was a tap, tap, tap! at the window. Spike growled, leapt off the bed and raced over to investigate.

  ‘Charlie,’ Johnno whispered, ‘do you think it’s a robber?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid, Johnno!’ I groaned. ‘Robbers don’t knock.’ I got out of bed and pulled back the curtains.

  A galah was tapping its beak against the glass.

  ‘It’s Butch!’ Johnno cried. He rushed over and opened the window.

  The galah fluttered down onto the floor of my bedroom.

  ‘Good bird!’ Johnno said. ‘We’re the best team. That was a great escape!’

  Team? Escape?

  ‘Johnno,’ I said, ‘you undid the latch on Butch’s birdcage, didn’t you? Tim wasn’t lying!’

  ‘Butch was unhappy!’ Johnno blurted out. ‘Tim’s not good with animals!’

  ‘Neither is the very mean cat that lives here!’ I said. ‘Fluffy will eat him if she finds him!’

  ‘Oh, pooey!’ said Butch.

  Spike whined, as if he agreed with the bird.

  ‘Can’t we hide him here until we figure out what to do?’ Johnno asked. ‘Please, Charlie!’

  I supposed it was all right. As long as
we kept the bird safe. Mum would be mad at me if Fluffy got him! She loves birds.

  Thinking of Mum made my stomach sink. All my plans to make sure she had a wonderful birthday week had failed.

  Worse still, she was still at the Nursing Post. Nurse Bell said Mum had an allergic reaction to the injection. That’s why she was having trouble breathing. It wasn’t the stupid smoke from the sausage sizzle at all!

  In the morning, I made Johnno let Butch out to poo. I thought the bird might fly away, but instead he perched in a nearby gum tree.

  ‘I think he likes me!’ said Johnno.

  I could see Johnno wanted to keep the galah. But if Tim found out, there’d be big trouble! And I’d had enough trouble for one week.

  When we went into the kitchen for breakfast, we got a surprise. Aunty June was there, talking to Dad.

  ‘What are you doing here, Mum?’ asked Johnno.

  ‘I’m going to visit your Aunty Shirl at the Nursing Post,’ she replied. ‘I thought she could do with some cheering up on her birthday. Sharni and Tia are coming with me.’

  The girls walked in carrying an enormous bunch of birthday balloons.

  Crumbs, I thought. They’re going to look like winners on Mum’s birthday and I’m going to look like I don’t care at all!

  ‘You can’t come with us, Charlie!’ smirked Tia.

  ‘You have to stay and help Dad!’ said Sharni.

  Aw! What? I thought we’d finished all the work already!

  After Aunty June left with the girls, I said to Dad, ‘Everything’s done for Mum coming home, isn’t it, Dad?’

  He shook his head. ‘With any luck the birthday girl will be allowed out at lunchtime. Reckon we should give her a birthday lunch instead of a dinner. You boys grab some breakfast while I get the window-cleaning gear.’

  Oh great—now Dad was going to make us do housework!

  Johnno and me ate some cereal at the kitchen table. I was complaining to Johnno about not having a birthday present for Mum when Dad came back.

  ‘So you think you’ve got problems, Charlie!’ Dad said. ‘With everything that’s happened, I forgot to get your mum a little extra something. I just hope she doesn’t clout me with the frying pan I bought her! Now, finish off that cereal and we’ll get stuck in!’