The Oxford Shakespeare: The Complete Works

by William Shakespeare

  (Singing) ‘To shallow rivers to whose falls-’

  God prosper the right! What weapons is he?

  SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master

  Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over

  the stile this way.

  EVANS Pray you give me my gown—or else keep it in your arms.

  ⌈He reads.⌉

  Enter Justice Shallow, Master Slender, and Master

  Page

  SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

  SLENDER (aside) Ah, sweet Anne Page!

  PAGE God save you, good Sir Hugh.

  EVANS God pless you from his mercy sake, all of you.

  SHALLOW What, the sword and the Word? Do you study them both, Master Parson?

  PAGE And youthful still: in your doublet and hose this raw, rheumatic day I

  EVANS There is reasons and causes for it.

  PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.

  EVANS Fery well. What is it?

  PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

  SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning so wide of his own respect.

  EVANS What is he?

  PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

  EVANS Got’s will and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of pottage.

  PAGE Why?

  EVANS He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, and he is a knave besides—a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

  PAGE ⌈to Shallow⌉ I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

  SLENDER (aside) O sweet Anne Page!

  SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons.

  Enter the Host of the Garter, Doctor Caius, and John Rugby

  Keep them asunder—here comes Doctor Caius.

  Evans and Caius draw and offer to fight

  PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.

  SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor.

  HOST Disarm them and let them question. Let them keep their limbs whole, and hack our English.

  Shallow and Page take Caius’s and Evans’s rapiers

  CAIUS (to Evans) I pray you let-a me speak a word with your ear. Wherefore vill you not meet-a me?

  EVANS ⌈aside to Caius⌉ Pray you use your patience. ⌈Aloud⌉ In good time!

  CAIUS By Gar, you are de coward, de jack-dog, john-ape.

  EVANS (aside to Caius) Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours. I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. (Aloud) By Jeshu, I will knog your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb.

  CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?

  EVANS As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgement by mine Host of the Garter.

  HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer.

  CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent.

  HOST Peace, I say. Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the Proverbs and the No-verbs. (To Caius) Give me thy hand terrestrial—so. (To Evans) Give me thy hand celestial—so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both, I have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. (To Shallow and Page) Come, lay their swords to pawn. (To Caius and Evans) Follow me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow. Exit

  SHALLOW Afore God, a mad host! Follow, gentlemen, follow. Exeunt Shallow and Page

  SLENDER (aside) O sweet Anne Page Exit

  CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

  EVANS This is well: he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends, and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of the Garter.

  CAIUS By Gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page. By Gar, he deceive me too.

  EVANS Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.

  Exeunt

  3.2 Enter Robin, followed by Mistress Page

  MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather, lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

  ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.

  MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see you’ll be a courtier.

  Enter Master Ford

  FORD

  Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

  MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

  FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think if your husbands were dead you two would marry.

  MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that—two other husbands.

  FORD Where had you this pretty weathercock?

  MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of.—What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?

  ROBIN Sir John Falstaff.

  FORD Sir John Falstaff?

  MISTRESS PAGE He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my goodman and he! Is your wife at home indeed?

  FORD Indeed she is.

  MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir, I am sick till I see her. Exeunt Robin and Mistress

  FORD Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage. And now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff’s boy with her. Good plots—they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well, I will take him; then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon, and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.

  ⌈Clock strikes⌉

  The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there. I will go.

  Enter Master Page, Justice Shallow, Master Slender, the Host of the Garter, Sir Hugh Evans, Doctor Caius, and John Rugby

  SHALLOW, PAGE, etc. Well met, Master Ford.

  FORD (aside) By my faith, a good knot! (To them) I have good cheer at home, and I pray you all go with me.

  SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

  SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.

  SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

  SLENDER I hope I have your good will, father Page.

  PAGE You have, Master Slender: I stand wholly for you. (To Caius) But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you altogether.

  CAIUS Ay, be Gar, and de maid is love-a me. My nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush.

  HOST (to Page) What say you to young Master Fenton? He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth; he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May. He will carry‘t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons he will carry’t.

  PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having. He kept company with the wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high
a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he take her, let him take her simply: the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.

  FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, you shall go. So shall you, Master Page, and you, Sir Hugh.

  SHALLOW Well, God be with you! ⌈Aside to Slender⌉ We shall have the freer wooing at Master Page’s.

  Exeunt Shallow and Slender

  CAIUS Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. Exit Rugby HOST Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. Exit

  FORD (aside) I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first with him: I’ll make him dance. (To Page, Caius, and Evans) Will you go, gentles?

  ⌈PAGE, CAIUS, and EVANS⌉ Have with you to see this monster. Exeunt

  3.3 Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page

  MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!

  MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-

  MISTRESS FORD I warrant.—What, Robert, I say!

  MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come!

  Enter John and Robert, with a buck-basket

  MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down.

  MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge. We must be brief.

  MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames’ side.

  MISTRESS PAGE (to John and Robert) You will do it?

  MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over; they lack no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are called.

  Exeunt John and Robert

  Enter Robin

  MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin.

  MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket, what news with you?

  ROBIN My master Sir John is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.

  MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?

  ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.

  MISTRESS PAGE Thou’rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me.

  MISTRESS FORD Do so. (To Robin) Go tell thy master I am alone. Exit Robin Mistress Page, remember you your cue.

  MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss me.

  MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. ⌈Exit Mistress Page⌉

  We’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery

  pumpkin. We’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.

  Enter Sir John Falstaff

  SIR JOHN Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessed hour!

  MISTRESS FORD O sweet Sir John!

  SIR JOHN Mistress Ford, I cannot cog; I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord. I would make thee my lady.

  MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.

  SIR JOHN Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.

  MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John—my brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.

  SIR JOHN By the Lord, thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert if fortune, thy foe, were, with nature, thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.

  MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in me. SIR JOHN What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a-many of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men’s apparel and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot. But I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it.

  MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.

  SIR JOHN Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.

  MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it.

  SIR JOHN Keep in that mind. I’ll deserve it.

  MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind.

  Enter Robin

  ROBIN Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing, and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.

  SIR JOHN She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind the arras.

  MISTRESS FORD Pray you do so; she’s a very tattling woman.

  Sir John hides behind the arras.

  Enter Mistress Page

  What’s the matter? How now?

  MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone for ever.

  MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?

  MISTRESS PAGE O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! Having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!

  MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?

  MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!

  How am I mistook in you

  MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?

  MISTRESS PAGE Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.

  MISTRESS FORD ’Tis not so, I hope.

  MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed. Call all your senses to you. Defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever.

  MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.

  MISTRESS PAGE For shame, never stand ‘you had rather’ and ‘you had rather’. Your husband’s here at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him as if it were going to bucking. Or—it is whiting time—send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.

  MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?

  SIR JOHN (coming forward) Let me see’t, let me see’t, O let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in.

  MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff! (Aside to him) Are these your letters, knight?

  SIR JOHN (aside to Mistress Page) I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.

  He goes into the basket

  I’ll never—

  Mistress Page and Mistress Ford put foul clothes over him

  MISTRESS PAGE (to Robin) Help to cover your master, boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford. ⌈Aside to Sir John⌉ You dissembling knight!

  MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert, John!

  Enter John and Robert

  Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowl-staff?

  John and Robert fit the cowl-staff

  Look ho
w you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly, come!

  They lift the basket and start to leave.

  Enter Master Ford, Master Page, Doctor Caius, and

  Sir Hugh Evans

  FORD (to Page, Caius, and Evans) Pray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then, make sport at me; then let me be your jest—1 deserve it. (To John and Robert) How now? Whither bear you this?

  ⌈JOHN⌉ To the laundress, forsooth.

  MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!

  FORD Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck? Ay, buck, I warrant you, buck. And of the season too, it shall appear.

  ⌈Exeunt John and Robert, with the basket⌉

  Gentlemen, I have dreamt tonight. I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my chambers, search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.

  He locks the door

  So, now, uncoop.

  PAGE Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong yourself too much.

  FORD True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen! You shall see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen. Exit

  EVANS This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.

  CAIDS By Gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.

  PAGE Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his search. Exeunt Caius, Evans, and Page

  MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this?

  MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better: that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.

  MISTRESS PAGE What a taking was he in when your husband asked what was in the basket!