Take a Deep Breath (Lake of the Pines)

by Shar Dimick

  “Grandma!”

  Hannah turned back around as Sara struggled to sit up in bed.

  “Here, let me help you.” Hannah fumbled with the bed control, but managed to raise the head up a bit so Sara could sit up a little. Next, she readjusted the pillows behind Sara’s head and back. “Is that better?”

  “Yes, much.” Sara nodded. “Thanks Grandma.”

  “How are you feeling today?”

  “Better. I really want to go home, but the doctor is taking forever to get here.”

  “She’ll be here before long, I’m sure.” Hannah reassured the little girl.

  “I know, but I want to go now.”

  “I know you do. Waiting does stink! But for now, you should rest. You’ve been through a lot these last two days.”

  “Oh. Hi Gram. I didn’t hear you come in,” Liv said. “Here, you can sit in my chair.”

  “Don’t be silly dear. Sit back down.”

  “Really, it’s okay, Gram. I need to get up and stretch a bit.” Liv walked around the table. She poured some water into the Styrofoam cup that sat on the tray and offered it to Sara.

  Sara scowled. “I’m not thirsty, Mom!”

  “I know, but you need to keep drinking fluids.” Liv insisted until Sara took a small sip through the red and white striped bendy straw.

  Hannah reached for Cam’s gift bag and handed it over to Sara.

  “Here you go Sweetie. This is from Cam.”

  As Hannah said his name a look of guilt washed over Liv’s face.

  “Oh, boy!” Sara grabbed the bag and drew the soft plush purple animal out. Hugging the hippo to her chest she buried her face in it. “I love it! She’ll sleep right next to Boo Boo Bear!” Hannah drew the covers up around the two stuffed animals and smiled. Sara looked over to the door behind Hannah. “So, where is Cam? Did he stop at the cafeteria to get some coffee or something?”

  “No. I’m sorry, Sara. Cam couldn’t make it to the hospital today. He dropped this off this morning. He wanted me to let you know how sorry he is that he couldn’t bring it by himself and that he hopes you get to come home soon.”

  Sara’s smile fell in disappointment. “Oh.” Her mouth formed the shape of the word she uttered.

  Liv stroked her daughter’s hair back from her face. “Why don’t you try to get a little more sleep while we wait for Dr. Brack?”

  After only fifteen minutes, Sara already felt tired and her eyelids grew heavier by the second. “I don’t want to sleep.”

  “Okay. How about if I put the TV on for you instead? Liv flipped the TV on and switched it over to the Disney Channel. Sara nodded “yes.” Within five minutes, she was asleep again.

  Liv pressed a kiss to her daughter’s forehead. She turned the volume down on the television and walked to the window. Sara’s room had a great view of the parking lot. Liv studied the scene below her. An older couple made their way to the front door. The man held the woman’s arm and helped her up the curb. Behind them a frazzled mother holding the hands of two children struggled to see as the wind whipped her hair in her face. She stopped to brush it out of her eyes and reposition her purse on her shoulder. Liv could see the words “stop!” form on the woman’s lips. The young child froze just as a red car skidded to a stop in front of him. The woman rushed up to the boy and Liv could see her scolding her son and then bring him into her tight embrace. The red car slowly moved away and pulled into a parking spot toward the back of the lot. Liv wondered what each of their stories was. She liked to watch people from afar and make up stories about what their lives might be like. It always amazed and overwhelmed her to think about all the millions and millions of people in the world each with their own unique story waiting to be told.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Hannah joined her granddaughter at the window and put her arm around Liv’s waist. She frowned. Liv had lost more weight.

  Turning from the window, Liv faced her grandmother. “About what?”

  “Whatever has that sad look on your face?”

  “It’s just been a long two days. I’m anxious to get Sara home where she belongs.”

  “Is that all? Do you want to tell me what happened with Cam? I saw that look on your face when his name came up.”

  “Really, there’s nothing to talk about there either. We had a fun couple of weeks, but it’s over now. It was just a typical summer romance.”

  “Typical?”

  “Yeah, well. You know how things go. We both got caught up in the past. But you can’t go back.”

  “I see. Does Cam think what you have is a summer romance too?”

  “If he doesn’t now, he would have figured it out in a few weeks. Sara’s accident just brought the end sooner. He has a great life as a doctor in Chicago. He doesn’t need to get mixed up with someone like me.”

  “What do you mean, ‘Like me’?” Hannah asked confused.

  “You know Gram. I have a lot of baggage – my anxiety attacks, Sara, my ex-husband. It’s more than anyone can ask.” Liv tried to reassure herself that she’d made the right decision.

  “Don’t you think that’s Cam’s decision to make?”

  “Really, Gram. It’s the best for everyone.”

  “Best? Does this have anything to do with Ron’s tirade last night?”

  “Cam told you?” Her eyes grew narrower. She couldn’t bear to think he’d repeated the ugly words that spewed from Ron’s mouth to her grandmother.

  “He didn’t go into any details. Just that he got the feeling Ron didn’t like him very much. He said he thought it best to stay away while Ron was here. He didn’t want to be the catalyst that caused a scene in front of Sara, which led me to believe Ron had already caused at least one scene.”

  “Oh.” Liv was quiet for a moment. “Let’s just say Ron was his usual charming self. He accused me of being too busy fooling around with Cam to notice what our daughter was doing.”

  “Liv, Sara’s accident wasn’t your fault. She could have just as easily wandered off when I was watching her.”

  “But the thing is Gram; I was fooling around with Cam. We were kissing and I didn’t give Sara a second thought. I was so wrapped up in him and couldn’t, didn’t think. I let myself drown in the feelings of him loving me, touching me.” Liv broke off and turned back toward the window. “I was so selfish. I should have gone outside to help Sara with the sticks. Instead, I….” Tears streamed down Liv’s face. Her ears pounded as she swallowed, struggling to control her emotions.

  Hannah folded her granddaughter into her arms. “It’s okay, baby. You’re only human. You deserve to be loved and to be happy.”

  “Yes, but not at Sara’s expense. It’s time I focus my energy on her.”

  “Honey you could have just as easily been making lunch or doing a load of laundry when Sara wandered off. Don’t deprive yourself of a good, loving relationship out of some sort of guilt or misplaced sense of duty.”

  “That’s not what I’m doing.” Liv’s voice turned hard. Her mouth straight and her shoulders rigid, she turned from her grandmother and stared out the window again.

  Hannah knew the subject was closed and let it drop. Her granddaughter could be stubborn at times and she knew better than to press it.

  “Would you like a cookie? I brought a container of chocolate chip, peanut butter and snicker-doodle cookies…”

  Liv’s stomach turned over at the thought of putting food in it. She knew she needed to eat though or the knot would never release itself.

  “Sure Gram.” Liv pasted a smile on her face. “You know I can’t resist a snicker doodle.” Liv bit into the soft cookie and savored the taste of cinnamon.

  “Have you had lunch yet?”

  “Gram. You’re starting to sound like my mother now.”

  “Speaking of your mother, have you heard from her or your father yet?”

  “I did.” Liv confirmed as she continued to nibble at her cookie. “She called earlier. The connection was really bad, but she sounded good. I
told her not to worry about anything. Sara was fine. She wanted to cut her vacation early and come home now, but I told her not to.”

  “That makes the most sense. She should enjoy her time away.”

  “Yeah it sounds like she is. She was telling me about a boat trip she and Dad took. I guess they actually saw a whale jump. I didn’t get many other details though as the call dropped. That big, stuffed bear in the corner wearing the Caribbean shirt is from them.”

  Hannah looked to where Liv pointed. The bear was almost as big as Sara. Her son and daughter-in-law never did anything small. “So when do they get back?”

  “They’re scheduled to fly back the Friday after next.”

  Hannah nodded.

  “If you don’t mind Gram, I think I’ll go down to the cafeteria after all. I could use a walk.”

  “Sure. Take your time. I’ll be here in case Sara wakes up or the doctor comes. I’ll call your cell phone if she does.” Hannah settled back in the vinyl chair and pulled out her latest knitting project.

  “Okay. I’ll be right back.” Liv headed down the hall toward the elevators. Several nurses smiled at her as she passed by. The urge to get outside and breathe overwhelmed Liv. Sitting in the hospital room with her grandmother had begun to make her feel claustrophobic. She knew she had to get out of there before she had a full-blown panic attack. Instead of taking the elevator down to the basement and the cafeteria, she pushed the L button and got out at the lobby. Moments later she stood under the hospital awning, willing her body to settle down. She walked down the sidewalk and followed it around the building. She took a deep breath with each step and exhaled. Finally, after the third time around, her racing heart slowed to its normal rate and the nausea that had washed over her subsided.

  She sat on a bench outside the main doors to the hospital. Rows and rows of petunias in various shades of purple and pink filled the flower bed next to her. Liv watched as a bee went from one bloom to the next. Her mind wandered back to Sara. As a mother Liv knew that Sara came first now, no matter what. She knew she’d made the right decision about Cam. Now wasn’t the time to get involved with someone. Sara needed her. Maybe someday she’d have a second chance at love, but just not now. The fact that her daughter was lying in a hospital bed told her she couldn’t have both. Yes, she loved Cam. The ache in her heart wouldn’t let her forget that. Letting him walk away the night before hadn’t been easy, but she didn’t see any other way. They lived different lives. They’d made different choices. And now, she had to live with hers.

  Her cell phone beeped, interrupting her thoughts.

  “This is Liv,” she answered without looking at caller ID.

  “It’s Grandma. Dr. Brack is here.”

  “I’m on my way up now.” Liv ended the call.

  Dr. Brack was just finishing her exam of Sara when Liv came back in.

  “Nice to see you again,” Dr. Brack said, extending her hand out to Liv.

  “You too.” Liv shook the doctor’s extended hand.

  “I was just apologizing to Sara for taking so long to get up to see her. I got caught in the operating room and just finished up.”

  “You must be tired.”

  “A little, but a little tiredness is worth the end results. Sara looks good to go. I don’t see any signs of infection. She doesn’t have a fever, so I think she can go home today. However, I can keep her here another night if you’d prefer. It’s up to you.”

  “I want to go home today!” Sara piped in.

  Liv smiled. “It sounds like today it is then. Thank you, doctor.”

  “Okay. I’ll sign her discharge papers and the nurse will be in to take out her IV and go over your instructions for home.”

  “Great. Thanks again.” Liv turned to her daughter. Sara beamed. She definitely was ready to be sprung. After the doctor left another hour or so passed as they waited for the nurse to remove the IV and get the final paperwork together. Liv helped Sara out of her hospital gown and into the fresh t-shirt and shorts Hannah had brought along. Liv pulled a sock onto her left foot.

  “No more flip-flops for you! We need to go shopping and get you some sturdy tennis shoes.”

  Sara rolled her eyes at her mother. “Mom, I like my flip-flops. Tennis shoes are too hot!”

  “I know, but I really think you need something a little more stable.”

  “But, Mom…”

  “No buts about it.” Sara was definitely feeling like herself again. Liv brushed out Sara’s long hair and pulled it back into a loose pony tail at the back of her neck. “Better?”

  “Better.”

  The nurse came in with the wheelchair and a cart. Liv and Hannah filled the cart with the various stuffed animals and flowers while the nurse helped Sara into the wheel chair. Hannah went down ahead of them to bring the car around. The nurse pushed Sara down the corridor while Liv followed with the flower cart. Hannah pulled around just as their motley parade made its way out the front door. It took a bit of rearranging, but they finally managed to fit the majority of Sara’s gifts into the trunk of Hannah’s Honda. Sara sat in the back seat with her leg propped up. On the floor, more flowers, plants and stuffed animals crowded in. Liv sat in the front seat with a stuffed animal in her lap and a vase of flowers between her legs. She looked over her shoulder at Sara.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. I love you.”

  “I love you back, Mom! Now let’s go home!”

  “You got it,” Hannah said and eased out on to the main road.

  The road back to Lake of the Pines winded through the hills dotted with stands and stands of white pines. Liv watched out her window, taking in the familiar sight of the now huge trees that shadowed the sun from her face. She wondered what the trees would tell her if they could speak. The timeless trees had seen many changes she imagined. She closed her eyes a moment to rest them. She imagined herself laying at the foot of one the big trees. Looking up into its branches, she inhaled the pine fresh fragrance and listened for the secrets it had to tell. People coming and going, the sun rising and setting day after day, nothing really changed. The cycles stayed the same. When Liv opened her eyes next they were pulling into the driveway of her grandma’s cottage.

  “Sorry Gram, I must have dozed off.”

  “You needed the rest. Neither of you has had much sleep lately.”

  Liv turned around and Sara slept soundly her head resting against the window. She had her new hippo from Cam and her tried and true bear in her arms. Liv looked at the clock on the dash of the car. It was almost 4:30 PM. Her stomach rumbled.

  Hannah smile. “Let’s get this stuff inside and I’ll make us some dinner.”

  Liv agreed. She looked around the yard as she gathered Sara’s things in her arms. The fallen branches were gone and the yard was neatly mowed. Liv noticed two notes taped to the front door. Cam, she thought. She flushed as the warmth she always felt thinking of him flooded her body. Stop that, she mentally reprimanded herself. She stuffed the note addressed to her in her pocket. She took the one for her grandmother inside with her and put it on the kitchen table along with the flowers and other get well items she had. She then headed back out to the car to help Hannah bring Sara in. Liv lifted the little girl into her arms. She was a lot heavier than she used to be, especially with a cast on her leg. Hannah held the door for them and Liv somehow managed to get Sara situated on the couch without breaking her own leg. Liv propped Sara’s leg up on two fuzzy pink pillows. Hannah turned on the TV and gave the remote control to Sara.

  “Can I get you anything Sara?”

  “No, Mom. I’m okay. I’m sorry I ruined your vacation.” Sara suddenly became sullen.

  “You didn’t. I had a great vacation with you. And now, I’m going to focus my attention on getting you better.”

  Pup-Pup came running around the corner and jumped onto Sara’s stomach.

  “Ouch!” Sara winced in pain.

  “I’m sorry Sara,” Hannah called. “She got away from me.”


  “It’s okay, Grandma.” Pup-Pup seemed to sense that Sara wasn’t up for playing and curled up next to the little girl, resting her head on Sara’s arm. “You’re such a good girl.” Sara cooed to the puppy. Pup-Pup lifted her head and licked Sara’s face.

  “Are you sure you don’t want anything? Some juice? A popsicle?”

  “No, Mom. Really I’m fine. I’m just a little sleepy.”

  “Yeah, the pain medicine’ll make you sleepy. Why don’t you try to get some rest? When you wake up we’ll have some supper together. I think Grandma’s making chicken and mashed potatoes.”

  “Mmmm. That’s my favorite. But, Mom?”

  “Yes?”

  “Remember when Cam said maybe Pup-Pup would name herself by doing something special?” Sara changed the subject.

  “Mmm hmm, but I kind of thought we’d settled on Pup-Pup.”

  “That was just a temporary name.”

  “Yes, and?” Liv encouraged her daughter to get to the point.

  “Well since she likes chipmunks so much, I think I want to name her after a famous chipmunk. You remember that Chipmunk movie don’t you?”

  “How could I forget it?” Liv laughed. “You only watched it about a hundred times.”

  “Well, it’s a really good movie Mom!”

  “It is, Honey. So what’s her name going to be then? Albert?”

  “No, Mom! That’s a boy name. I’m naming her after one of the girl chipmunks – Brittany. You know the lead singer? We can call her Brit for short.”