Dead Drunk II: Dawn of the Deadbeats (Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Book 2)

by Richard Johnson

  Left-Nut took a handful of the brown tablets and chased them with the last drops of Big Rob’s flask, taking down the piss-warm rum with gusto. Fifteen minutes later he was in a lot less pain and totally blistered. After several nuns cleaned and dressed his wound, Charlie and Rob put him in an empty bedroom to rest.

  “I’m gonna discipline the monkey and take a nap. Best pain killer there is,” Left-Nut said.

  Charlie closed the door without responding, and then the guys took the rare opportunity to clean themselves up. They walked to another spare room already supplied with buckets of hot water, sponges, and homemade soap. Charlie savored the indulgence as much as he could and then retired to a surprisingly comfortable couch to catch some winks. The safer surroundings, his clean skin, and the peaceful ambiance of the convent put him to sleep in less than a minute. It didn’t last.

  “La, lalalalalalala, la la!” Rob belted out opera in the bathroom while vigorously scrubbing the zombie splatter from his body. The bucket turned red as bits and pieces of flesh bobbed up and down in the water. “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro!”

  Charlie put a pillow over his head, but the noise actually seemed to get louder. However, the annoyance was soon forgotten as one of his other senses went into overdrive. The smell of freshly baked bread filled the room, and Charlie’s mouth watered like never before. A home cooked meal would be a thing of beauty after weeks of cat food and beef jerky. He knocked on the bathroom door. “Hey, Enrico Pullazo, hurry up in there. They’re ready to serve lunch.”

  Rob heard the magic words and grabbed a towel in an instant. He was still dripping wet when he came out a few seconds later with soap bubbles still clinging to his beard. “I think I smell it.”

  They met Sam and Smokey in the hallway and made their way towards the dining area. Charlie noticed skylights in every room, and there were no visible lamps or light switches. “They don’t have electricity.”

  “Doesn’t matter to me as long as the food’s good,” Rob noted as they entered the dining room. About a dozen elderly nuns joined them at a plain wooden table in the nondescript room. The scarred-up nun brought in a basket of piping-hot, freshly baked bread and pitchers of water.

  “Smells great,” Rob said and grabbed an entire loaf, shoving it into his cavernous mouth as the women stared at him in disbelief. The sounds he made could almost be described as sexual in nature.

  “Um, Rob,” Charlie said and gave him an elbow.

  Rob continued to chew slowly until he noticed the glare from the Mother Superior. So he set the crusty loaf down, albeit under protest, and Agnes began to say a short prayer. Twenty minutes later she gave the signal that it was okay to eat.

  Unfortunately, it turned out the bread was not an appetizer as Rob suspected, but the main course. When squash was brought in as dessert instead of the apple pie he had been imagining, it appeared Rob was about to have a major meltdown.

  Seeing his friend in distress, Charlie gave Rob the rest of his own bread, thanked the nuns for the meal, and then addressed Mother Agnes with something that had been bothering him. “I gotta ask about something. You said you had no idea about the zombie situation before today, but you seem strangely stoic about the fact that a deranged priest just tried to eat you. I’m a bit confused.”

  Agnes Vukavka smiled at Charlie, but there was little warmth behind her expression. “If the dead are coming back to life it means that the return of Christ, our Savior, is at hand, and we have nothing to fear. This is what we have prepared for our whole lives.”

  “It ain’t like that, trust me,” Charlie said. “They’re just sick people. They got chewed on and then they turned into cannibals. It’s like rabies, and honestly, I don’t think God has anything to do with it.”

  “I think you’re wrong, young man. After all, this very scenario was written in Isaiah 26:19. But your dead will live; their bodies will rise. You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy.”

  Charlie bit his lip while trying not to lose his temper. They needed help and sanctuary, not bible lessons. Still, he had to make them see reality.

  “That priest outside wasn’t exactly shouting for joy when he tried to bite your face off. He was… well, trying to bite your face off.”

  Smokey gave Sam a high five. “Again, excellent shot, bro. Took him down like a boss.” The preteen beamed with pride. Fitting in was something he’d never done, and his new acquaintances, as crazy as they were, seemed to be trying hard to bring him into the fold. To an orphan, that meant a lot.

  The nuns were alarmed to see someone challenging their leader, but having taken an oath of silence, all they could do was look down in anticipation of the haranguing that was sure to come.

  However, Agnes didn’t respond with the anger they’d come to expect.

  “You’re right. I don’t know precisely what’s going on. But God’s mysteries aren’t always apparent to us, now are they?”

  “I guess not,” Charlie conceded with a sigh.

  “I’m confident all will be revealed in good time, especially with plenty of prayer and introspection – which, by the way, is our specialty here.”

  “You work on figuring out God’s mysteries and we’ll work on fixing our friend up,” Charlie said with a bit of sarcasm creeping into his voice.

  Agnes nodded.

  “Biggsburg is a small town about three miles away. A doctor’s office there would have what you need. Tetanus shots, bandages, iodine. I wish we could help more, but we only use what we make ourselves.”

  “We passed it on our way here,” Smokey said. “What’s left of it. Unfortunately the place looked pretty toasted.”

  “I can lead you around the town,” Sam said. “I know it pretty well and—”

  “That’s not happening,” Charlie replied. “The place is a mess. Sorry, but you’re staying here.”

  “You said I’m part of the group and now you’re already kicking me out?”

  Charlie quickly changed tactics. “No. Somebody has to stay behind and protect the convent from…” Charlie was going to say “Left-Nut,” but realized that wouldn’t sit well with his hosts. “The zombies. That’s your job.” He looked to Agnes. “Can you draw us a map?”

  She nodded. “Yes. The office won’t be hard to find.”

  “If the place hasn’t burned down already,” Smokey added.

  The meal ended on that note, so Charlie and company went back to the spare rooms to get their gear. He longingly looked at the unadorned yet cozy room. Soft blankets and fresh, clean sheets were the types of simple pleasures that had become luxuries during the apocalypse. Plus, there were no giant rats lurking in the shadows, no rotting corpses festering outside, and no whiskey farts lingering around like an unwanted roommate. Leaving the convent so soon was the last thing Charlie Campbell wanted to do. Especially for Left-Nut, of all people.

  “I’ll be honest, I don’t want to go,” Smokey said, vocalizing what Charlie was thinking. “Maybe we just leave Lefty here?”

  But Rob would have none of it. “Without treatment he’ll go downhill fast and probably die. Remember, we never leave a man behind. Even if he is an asshole.”

  Charlie nodded. “Rob’s right. About the asshole part, mostly. Plus, if there is a God, I’m pretty sure he’d take a dump on us if we left Matt Tucker in a convent without adult supervision. That’s just asking for it.”

  “Fine,” Smokey said. “I’ll go, but as long as we’re shopping I’d like to pick up a little medicinal marijuana. For my glaucoma, of course.”

  “Of course,” Charlie said. “We’d better have at it, though. The quicker we get there the quicker we get back and get rested up. Then we can go home. I can’t wait to see Brooke and Brandon. And what’s this I heard about Rob getting a kiss from Kate?” Rob’s face reddened at the mention of it. “She sticks a knife in my neck and kisses you, huh? Nice.”

  With the banter done, the men geared up and stopped by to check on Left-Nut, who was being tended to by the younger nun that seemed
to be everywhere. She was dabbing at his oozing wound while he made obnoxious gestures where she couldn’t see.

  “We’re leaving to find you meds,” Charlie said, not amused. “We’ll be back in a few hours. I told that Sam kid to shoot you if you start acting up. I think he will.”

  “Can you refill my Viagra prescription while you’re there?”

  Charlie was even less amused. “I swear, the one difference between you and a bag of crap is the bag. Anyways, we don’t have time to chitchat. We’ll be back.”

  “Guys, thanks,” Left-Nut said, dropping his shtick for once and surprising even himself. Then he smiled a toothy grin as the shapely nun started up with a sponge once more. “Soooo… tell me about your horribly disfigured face.” He still had it.

  * * *

  Every step Charlie took through the forest pissed him off more than the one before. Here he was, risking his life for someone he almost threw to the zombies days earlier. Even worse, his goal of reuniting with his pregnant girlfriend was being put on the backburner indefinitely. Being the good guy was getting old fast.

  Rob shook the forest with one of his signature farts and his eyes grew wide. “Woops. I should have held that one in a little longer to ripen.”

  “Damn, that’s gonna itch when it dries,” Smokey said.

  Rob nodded. “Yeah, I better grab some leaves.”

  Charlie chuckled at his friends and his mood improved considerably while Big Rob disappeared behind some foliage. Sometimes it helped to laugh at the ridiculous parts of life. With these guys there was plenty of material.

  “Fellas, you’re gonna want to see this,” Rob said from the bushes.

  “I highly doubt that,” Charlie shot back. “Wipe your bunghole and let’s go.”

  “No, I mean really, come check it out,” Rob said with more urgency in his voice. Sure enough, he’d discovered a small clearing that held a gruesome discovery.

  Smokey peeked around Rob. “Bummer.”

  In front of them was a mass grave with bodies in differing states of decay. The fallen residents of Biggsburg had been covered with quicklime in a failed attempt to dissolve the corpses. Some had faces frozen in terror with mouths open in silent screams, a testament to how horrible their final moments had been. Even creepier were the ones that looked like they might still be among the living, with eyes glistening and lifelike. One of those fresh bodies was wearing a Boy Scout uniform and knee-high socks. Charlie pointed to the man and sighed.

  “It looks like Scout Leader Frank didn’t make it after all. Should we tell Sam? Personally, I’d say—”

  There was movement on the other side of the grave and the guys were forced to freeze in place to avoid being spotted.

  Several weary Chinese soldiers came through the clearing, pushing wheelbarrows heavily laden with even more bodies. One soldier in green seemed to be supervising four other men dressed in slightly different brown uniforms. He barked an order and the soldiers tossed the bodies into the pit. The tangle of limbs and torsos, bloody stumps and burnt skin was as disgusting as it was tragic. Each body took with it a story never to be told, and represented a final insult for the poor souls consumed by a chain of events far removed from the little town in the middle of nowhere.

  Their grim task finished, the leader shouted again and the men lined up on the edge of the pile, facing away from him. The stocky junior sergeant casually pulled his sidearm and fired into the back of one man’s head. The body slumped to the ground before tipping forward into the abyss. A second shot rang out and another man dropped down with blood spurting in fits from his opened skull.

  The sergeant aimed for the third man and pulled the trigger, but the weapon did not fire. He fiddled with it for a moment and then raised his weapon again. But this time, he dropped dead.

  Without thinking of the consequences, Charlie had used up the last of his machine gun rounds with a sudden burst. It had been rather satisfying. The two remaining soldiers looked at him briefly, then disappeared into the woods, confused but happy to escape their summary execution.

  Charlie and company waited for more soldiers to come streaming into the area to annihilate them, but none did. Soon the forest was quiet again except for the sound of blood trickling down the mountain of bodies. It was almost peaceful.

  “What are the Chinese doing way out here? And why are they shooting each other?” Charlie asked while grabbing the officer’s 5.8 mm pistol and ammo.

  “Maybe food’s getting low?” Rob said, proving once more what occupied most of his limited thinking power.

  “Possibly,” Smokey said, getting that familiar smug look on his face. “But the ones that just got shot weren’t Chinese. They were wearing North Korean uniforms.”

  “How would you—”

  “Gay Mike and I used to get baked and watch that shitty Red Dawn remake over and over. Between you and me, I think he had a thing for Chris Hemwsworth. But anyways, those brown uniforms look just like the ones the Norks wore in the movie.”

  Charlie took a last look at the dead and moved on, spatially and emotionally. “They must have disobeyed orders. Poor bastards are on their own now, though. Let’s hope nobody comes looking for the other jerkwad.”

  They followed the tracks of the wheelbarrows out of the area and came upon an empty bean field. On the other side was the strip mall, exactly where Mother Agnes’s map said it would be. It also became clear what the Chinese were up to in the area. Monstrous cooling towers loomed over the ruined town, billowing steam out like a pair of twin volcanoes.

  “It’s a nuke plant. Great. They’re probably swarming all over the place to secure it,” Charlie said. “Can’t be having meltdowns getting in the way of their invasion, I suppose.”

  Rob started jogging across the field. “We’re so close, can’t turn back now. Just have this one little field to cross. Easy peasy,” he added, making a rare joke.

  “Those are beans,” Charlie said. “But you’re right. Make it quick.”

  A minute later they reached the back of the strip mall and used an access ladder to reach the roof. Smokey had theorized the door up top would have been propped open so workers could sneak cigarettes, and he was right. The guy was on a roll.

  A stroll down the stairwell took them into a laundromat located directly next to the doctor’s office. The place was empty and untouched by the fire that had consumed much of the town, so Rob tapped the wall to find the studs, then bashed a hole in the drywall. He peeked inside the next room.

  “Looks clear.”

  The moment the words left his mouth, Rob quickly ducked back into the laundromat as a pair of bloody hands reached through the hole after him.

  “Jesus!” Charlie sputtered and swung his assault rifle ineffectually while Smokey prepared to pull the trigger on his own.

  “Don’t shoot!” Rob ordered.

  The zombie, a rather average-looking guy in sweatpants, had become lodged in the hole and was now writhing like a trapped animal. Rob got to his feet, locked eyes with the creature and brought his bat down over its head with a thud. He pushed the now motionless corpse back through the hole and peeked in again, albeit more carefully this time.

  “Looks clear. For real now.”

  The trio entered the pharmacy and Charlie searched for the supplies they needed while Rob did security. Smokey checked the zombie’s body for anything useful and then joined Charlie in his search. Somehow a large stash of medicinal marijuana and various pills found their way into the duffel bag.

  Soon they had what they came for and Charlie was intent on exiting in a hurry, but Smokey stopped him as they passed the body. “Dude had something on him you might want to see.” Smokey pointed to some items that he’d placed on the ground.

  “Cold medicine and a toy dinosaur. Who cares?”

  Smokey’s wheels were turning yet again. “That zombie’s bite marks on his arm were fresh. He was still bleeding when Rob pounded him.”

  “Okay.”

  “So he just got turn
ed real recently. Like within the past few minutes.”

  “Get to the point,” Charlie said.

  “Why would someone be carrying around a toy dinosaur in their pocket?” Smokey asked.

  “They like dinosaurs?” Rob answered.

  “Maybe, but think about it. You’re watching your kid, you’re picking toys up around the house, and sometimes you put something in your pocket without thinking about it. Plus, that’s kiddie cough syrup. Which means…”

  “Somebody got left behind,” Rob said, finishing Smokey’s sentence.

  “No, just no. There’s a whole town in front of us and half of it is burned down. How do we even know where to begin?”

  “1368 Main Street,” Smokey said as he read the driver’s license from the man’s wallet.

  “And how do you plan on finding Main Street, Columbo?”

  “Look for the tallest buildings in town, there’s your Main Street. Shouldn’t be hard in a town this small.”

  Rob walked to the front of the store and looked at the signs. “Guys, we’re on Main Street right now.”

  “We have enough problems of our own without trying to—”

  “Come on,” Rob interrupted. “You know you’ll give in. There’s no way you’ll sleep at night knowing you might have left some kid stranded like we did with Brandon.”

  “Stop looking at me like that. And Smokey, I can’t wait for you to get stoned off your mind because this Inspector Clouseau shit is getting old fast. It’s like you’re an idiot savant or something when you’re sober.”

  “Hey, we’re just talking routine investigative procedures. I have a knack for it.”

  Charlie was losing his patience quickly, and that often resulted in brash, horrible decisions.

  Like this one.

  “If I say yes, will you two stop harassing me?”

  “Yep.”

  “Yeah.”

  Charlie shook his head as he went against his better judgment for the umpteenth time. “Fine, giddy up.”