Throat

by R. A. Nelson

  I blinked. I saw something there in his eyes. I saw images of … bodies … the walls of a room splashed with blood. Hair, clothing, furniture sticky with it. An empty sneaker …

  A name fell into my head like a stone.

  Wirtz.

  I remembered where I was. Who I was.

  Wirtz!

  He still had some kind of hold on me. I couldn’t move. So I stared at him from one inch away, willing the blood to come up into my eyes, heat them to the boiling point. I thought of the sun … Sagan’s sun … the boiling bright merciless midday sun. Made it fill my brain. Made the sun float inside my head, filling every crack and crevice with light so intense, my skull couldn’t hold it.

  The vampire’s image seemed to wobble a moment, then his smile turned into a grimace. He stood up and staggered backward, hands over his face.

  For one brief moment I understood how the Feld worked. Understood that the one with the strongest will was the one with the power to wield it. For just a few seconds I was his master. Turning his black little eyeballs to putrefied jelly.

  The vampire staggered once more. I broke free of his pull, his Call. Free enough to get to my feet. I took a jerking step toward him, driving him back. He kept backing up until he backed straight into the night.

  I had trouble holding myself up. I sat down in the gravel and hung forward. I don’t know how long I stayed that way. Maybe hours. The sun was coming up when at last I staggered to the faucet in the bunker and doused my head, splashed my face. I didn’t know if I had ever been hurt this bad before.

  I had barely enough strength to unknot the rope. How far had I fallen?

  I took my clothes off and bathed cold water over my injured side again and again, taking as long as I needed. The pain started to ease a little, but it still felt as if I had been run over by a cement mixer. I risked a deep breath.

  “Ohhhhhh.”

  At last I came out of the bunker and sat down on a cement wall. The top of the tower, which was the iron structure of the long arm, had to be close to a hundred feet high. I could see the open doorway of my little room, the next level down, say seventy-five or eighty feet above the forest floor. Enough to kill a human being about two or three times. The pain in my side, the feeling of compression, told me it was true.

  Insane.

  There was so much I didn’t know about this Feld business. I had thought I had control. But somehow the grand mal seizure had screwed everything up: the vampire had pushed his way through instead. The temporary amnesia didn’t help. And now he knew exactly what my hideout looked like. Great.

  When I straightened up again, the pain was eye-blinking bad. But probing around, I didn’t think anything was broken. I trudged up the tower, taking the stairs one step at a time. I almost laughed when I got to the little room at the top.… The desk had been jerked all the way across the floor, and a corner leg was sticking through the doorway and hanging out over space. The leg that the rope had been tied to.

  I slept most of the day and woke in a rotten mood. Physically, I felt better. So much better, I could sit up without much trouble. I rubbed my side. Aching and incredibly sore, but not much worse than taking a nasty shot in soccer. A long curved bruise showed just under my ribs.

  I hung over the edge of the tower and looked down. Bad idea. My head felt like it was going to snap off. It was impossible to imagine falling that far and not dying. Judging from the bruise, I must’ve hit one of the catwalk railings on the way down.

  What was I made of now? And if Wirtz was made of the same stuff, what hope did I have of killing him?

  I drank some bottled water and managed to hold it down. I was a little hungry, but I didn’t feel up to doing anything. I lay down again, alternately dozing and dreaming of falling. When I woke a second time, the NASA traffic was leaving the base. I stretched and put my shoes on. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. The bruise was still there, but the pain was mostly gone.

  * * *

  I took it easy going down and even easier making my way through the woods. I felt dizzy a couple of times and had to bend over, holding my knees. My mood lifted when I saw Sagan’s Jeep at the Solar Observatory.

  “You’re here!” I would have thrown myself into his arms but didn’t want to risk it. Sagan stiffened.

  “What’s wrong?” I said.

  “So you’re … okay,” he said.

  “Well—”

  “You call me in the middle of the night, acting all mysterious like it’s Emma’s Last Supper or something. You want me to check on your family, call you back from the complex. And then—”

  “Wait! Stop! How are they, did you see them? Sagan, you have to tell me.”

  “They’re fine, Emma. Just like you said they would be. Beautiful little girl, cute mom. I saw them walk down the steps, just like it was a regular, normal day, get in their car, and drive off.”

  “Oh my God, Sagan. You saw them, you saw them! That makes me feel so good!” I was holding back tears.

  “And so I call you, over and over, just like you asked me to. And you never picked up.”

  “Oh no. I’m sorry. I had no idea. I must have turned it off! I was really busy with something and I wasn’t thinking. Then after … well … I forgot to turn it back on.”

  “Meanwhile, I’ve been looking for you all day all over the center … sure something horrible has happened to you—that you’re in trouble, hurt, who knows … and the whole time, you were fine and had just … turned … it … off.…” His voice was shaking. I’d seen him angry before, but I’d never seen him like this.

  “You mean … you’ve been out here all this time? Oh no. I didn’t realize! Oh wow. I’m so sorry. But I can explain.”

  Sagan walked over and sat down on the picnic bench. I followed.

  “Hey,” I said. “I didn’t mean to scare you so bad. I had … a pretty rough night, see?” I pulled up my shirt to show him the bruise, but he wouldn’t look at it. “But I’m fine now, okay?”

  “You turned it off.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You want something to happen, don’t you?” Sagan said, finally looking at me in the eyes again.

  “Come on, you think I’ve got a death wish or something? You think I’m having fun here?”

  “I don’t know what you’re doing. You won’t tell me.”

  “Let’s go get something to eat. We’ll both feel better.” I took his arm and he yanked it away.

  “No.”

  “What?”

  “I said no. You know how close I came to getting my father out here? Calling security?”

  “You said you wouldn’t do that. You promised.”

  “I know I promised and it was stupid to promise. If you’re too … stubborn … to take care of yourself, then somebody’s got to do it for you.”

  I looked at him hard. He was looking away from me again. “You almost said ‘stupid,’ didn’t you? You almost called me stupid.”

  “No.”

  “I can’t believe this. You think I’m stupid.”

  “Emma, if you want to twist my words around, then …”

  “Then what?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He got up from the bench and walked to the door that led to the cafeteria.

  “You coming?”

  I stood watching, purposely making him wait.

  “I said, are you coming?” Sagan repeated.

  “What do I want to go in there for?” I said.

  “Okay, so leave.”

  “I can’t believe it,” I said. “Now’s the time you choose to dump on me? After what I’ve been through? You have no idea.…”

  He sagged a little. “I’ve been up since three in the morning, Emma. I’m tired and a little bit freaked out and pissed.”

  “And that’s my fault?” I swore. “How is that my fault?”

  “Now you are being stupid.”

  He brushed past me and headed the opposite direction, down the sidewalk toward the Solar Obse
rvatory.

  That did it. I caught up with him.

  “Hey, guess what,” I said as he put his hand on the observatory door. “You know that moon-landing thing? The one that supposedly happened in 1969? I don’t believe it. I think they filmed it in Arizona. Just like they said on that British documentary. The whole thing was fake. Are you hearing me? Completely fake.”

  Sagan stopped but didn’t turn around. He stood there, arms dropping dejectedly, head lowered.

  “Awww, did I hurt the poor widdle astronomer’s feelings?” I said, regretting it the moment I said it.

  “Emma,” Sagan said, still not turning around. “You talk a lot about your grandfather. Did … did I ever tell you about my grandfather?”

  I didn’t answer. I knew I had gone too far, and his quiet tone scared me.

  “My grandfather was an astronaut in the Apollo program back in the sixties. One day they were doing a routine test on the test stand down at Cape Kennedy. He and the other astronauts were in their space suits. Kind of a dress rehearsal. Something was wrong with the wiring in the capsule. It sparked, and because the capsule was full of nearly one hundred percent oxygen, the spark caused a fire. An inferno. It happened so fast, was so intense, they couldn’t get the astronauts out. He died, Emma. He died in that fire on the test stand. Never got to finish his dream. Never got to see Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Never got to walk there himself. They named a school after him. Right here in this town. My grandfather.”

  I was still looking at Sagan’s back. He didn’t move. I could see the blood running out of his fingers, leaving them white, he was clenching his fists so hard.

  I waited before saying anything. I wanted to touch him, but I didn’t dare. Finally I opened my mouth, but not much came out.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, then realized he hadn’t heard me. I said it louder. “I’m so sorry, Sagan. I didn’t mean … what I said. I didn’t know, really I didn’t. I wouldn’t have said it if … I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stick you like that. It was … cruel.”

  I watched him spread his fingers, clench, spread them again. He finally turned around.

  “What is wrong with you?” he said.

  “You’d understand if …”

  “If I knew? You know, Emma, I’m starting to think there is no reason for you being here. You just are. That’s all. You didn’t want to be at home. You got bored, so you had to pull somebody else into it, your little adventure, didn’t you?”

  “I can’t believe you just said that.”

  I turned and headed back down the sidewalk. Sagan chased after me, grabbing my arm. I pulled it away and he fell against the wall, surprised at my strength.

  He caught up with me again. I put my hand against the middle of his chest and shoved. Sagan shot backward hard and banged against the wall.

  I was moving up the walk again, not looking back. I had done it. Ruined the best thing ever. Destroyed it. Maybe that was all that I was good for. Destroying things. Maybe Lena was wrong. Maybe I was Verloren after all.

  My brain was in a fog. Maybe I should leave the Space Center completely. Go somewhere else. There were other places I could hide. Maybe Wirtz would never find me. I could even …

  Someone was coming up the walk toward me.

  It was a NASA security guard. A heavyset older guy with a jacket and a cap and an official-looking blue uniform. A big black handgun was strapped to his hip.

  I would have seen him from a mile away, heard him even, if I hadn’t been so distracted by the fight with Sagan. The guard was not a hundred feet away. I was dead. I was dead.

  Only a split second and I would be out of the shadows and the guard would see me. I panicked and did the first thing I thought to do … didn’t stop to think about my hurt ribs, but took two steps and leapt, flying up the side of the building. I grabbed the rolled metal edge at the top and flung myself over onto the roof.

  I looked down for the guard. He was still coming; nothing had changed. Thank God. He hadn’t seen me. He was just staring straight ahead. Then I saw Sagan.

  He wasn’t moving. He was standing on the concrete walkway looking up. Looking at me. He had seen.

  * * *

  I ran back to the tower, but I didn’t climb up. I saw the bunker and dashed inside. Tore my clothes off and threw them down on the cold, dirty floor. Kicked my shoes into a corner. Cranked the faucet on full blast and started slapping my naked body with water. The water was frigid, but I didn’t care. I scooped it up in handfuls, beating my skin with it, slamming it into my face.

  I wanted to clean it away. Clean it all away. As if being a vampire were something that was on my skin. I knew I couldn’t, but I couldn’t stop trying. I scrubbed and scrubbed, kept pounding handfuls of the cold water in my face, on my arms, stomach, everywhere.

  I was talking to myself as I did it, barely conscious of what I was saying. I’m a monster. I’m a freak. A monster. A freak. A monster. A freak. Monster freak monster freak …

  Finally I slipped slowly down the cinder block wall until I was slumped in the water. The faucet was still on full blast, beating against my legs. I wrapped myself in my arms, hung my head, all my hair in front of me, seeing nothing, hearing nothing but the roaring of the water as it drowned out my sobs.

  I fell over on my side. The water was getting deeper and deeper until my ear went under and my hair floated around my face.

  I didn’t care what happened anymore, I didn’t. I was used to fighting, but I didn’t know how to fight something like this. It wasn’t possible.

  The water was still roaring. I didn’t move for a long time. I didn’t want to move ever again. What was the point?

  I closed my eyes and tried to pretend I was the water. All of me would just wash away into the darkness and disappear into the ground.

  * * *

  I had gotten so used to the sound of the water, the silence made me suddenly feel deaf. I didn’t move, just lay on my side with one ear in the water, legs drawn up against my stomach.

  He knelt beside me and put his arms under my back. I felt myself go limp as he lifted me up and pressed his body against mine. We didn’t speak. He held me a long time. I had never felt that before—someone holding me while I had no clothes on. I was surprised it felt the way it did. I would have thought I would be ashamed, embarrassed. But I didn’t feel any of that. I just felt like I was sinking into him, the way I had wanted to sink into the water.

  “Does this mean you’re not going to leave me?” I said.

  A long time later, after I had gotten dressed and most of the water had dribbled away, we were sitting just outside the bunker, our backs against the concrete. I reached over and touched his hand.

  “How did you find me?” I said.

  “You’re not invisible, you know. Just walked into the woods and kept walking. You went in the same direction where I’d seen you come out before. Like I said, not many people know about the old test stand anymore. It made sense.”

  “I’m sorry … I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I don’t know why I did it. I think … maybe I was using it as an excuse to push you away. Because I was afraid, Sagan. Afraid for so many reasons. If you knew everything …”

  He squeezed my fingers. “I’m going to know everything, because you are going to tell me everything. Starting at the very beginning. So much of what I thought I knew … it went out the window when I saw you scale that wall.”

  “You’re wondering … what I am.”

  Sagan smiled. “So … you’re not on the run from some government lab? Like in the movies?”

  “Not even close. But if they ever found out …”

  “I’d never see you again, right?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Were you … born this way?”

  I hung my head, looking at the ground. “Sagan, there’s something … I have to tell you. And you’re going to have to believe it. You won’t believe it, but you have to. Because if you don’t … well, that’s
it. I wouldn’t know what to do. But even saying that … you won’t believe it.”

  “Really? It’s that bad?”

  “It’s that … impossible. I can’t even believe I’m going to tell you. I don’t know what you might do.”

  He frowned. “Hey, give me some credit.”

  “But … this is more than that. It’s not just what I can do. That’s not the strangest part. The strangest thing is what I am.”

  “God, Emma, what is it already? Are you radioactive? From another planet? Or … let’s see … you got bombarded with gamma rays and—”

  “Shut up. Just shut up. This is hard.” I sat there, mind going blank. “All right. I’m just going to say it.”

  “Okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. You can tell me you are from the center of the earth, the vanguard of a race of superchicks hell-bent on world domination. One mall at a time …”

  “Be serious or I won’t say a word.”

  “Okay. Serious. I can do serious. You just got a sample over at the observatory.”

  “No, I mean it. I’m going to kill you if you don’t take this seriously. This is my life here. I wouldn’t make this up.”

  “All right already. Put me out of my misery!”

  I took a very long breath … held it awhile … then finally let it slowly out. I had to do it again. I closed my eyes. Just say it.

  “Sagan … I’m a vampire.”

  It was interesting watching his face. I wondered if he was basically the very first person—human being, I mean—who had ever been told something like that. I caught him with his mouth open. It stayed open. He didn’t speak. Didn’t even look close to speaking.

  “See why I didn’t want to say anything?” I said finally.

  “You mean … you’re one of those people who has read a ton of Anne Rice books and now you want to be a vampire, so—”

  “No. I’m serious. I am a vampire. Not the pretend, wannabe kind. The real thing.”

  “You’re saying … vampires are real.”

  “Yes.”

  “Not the goth offshoots … but the real deal. You drink blood from people … turn into a bat … fly … sleep in a coffin full of dirt.”