Spoiled secrets
By
Ebony N. Donahue
Looking from the Outside In
Looking from the outside in, could be dangerous because you’ll never know how my story really ends.
You’ll never know how the story unfolds unless, you’ve been told by someone who took the time, to read between the lines and unfolds my tragic story of life. It’s simple, you’ll never find this person, he’s…or better yet, it’s fictional. No-one ever looks that close to discover my many ghost. Although, I beg for my pages to be read, to be discovered and the truths to be uncovered, I’m afraid of giving any one person free reign over the pages I call, my life.
But, if you’re only looking from the outside in, never taking the time to look within the hard covers of my life, you’ll believe the lie that rains from the sky, of my imaginary, made up, untrue life.
My covers are bound by the most exquisite leather, trimmed in perfection and gold, begging you to behold the glorious words of my life. My offer falls on deaf ears and eyes that prefer to not see, because they rather look at the beautiful cover of me. My title is embossed in bold lettering in hopes that you’ll finally be getting it.
Getting, that everything that shimmers, isn’t GOLD!
Acknowledgements
I would like to send a big I love you and thanks to my wonderful husband for putting up with all of my crazy antics over the years. This poor man doesn’t know what he’s walking into after a hard day’s work. One minute, I’m saying I want to open my own business. The next, I’m saying I want to be a ninja or some deadly assassin. I applaud him and love him dearly for not committing me to some asylum because in my own words, I am completely unhinged.
I would like to thank him for being patient with me all those years ago. When I say this book hits home for me, the issues in this book affects me to my core. Not a parent, but a family member stole a piece of me that cannot be replaced. Over time I have found out that forgiveness and GOD, works wonders on not replacing, but rebuilding me into a better version of me.
With that being said, I thank my husband for not freaking out when I would freak out, when he would crawl into bed next to me (flashbacks). I thank him for not running for the hills in the beginning when I watched him like a hawk around my 2 year old daughter.
I appreciate and I love your understanding of the situation and recognizing the mind frame I was in at that particular time. I love that with your patience and love, you opened me up to trust.
I would like to send a big; I love you, to my children, Tachea, Little Howard & Lakila. Thanks for also putting up with my crazy behavior. You three are so very supportive of all of my ideas and you actually push me to follow through with them. Thanks for being such wonderful kids. I expect and demand 100% out of you and sometimes you might fall short of my high expectations, but you’re only human. I love you all the more for your imperfections.
I want to send a big thank you, to My Aunt Vivian. I have never met a more steadfast solder in GODS army than you. I wholeheartedly appreciated all the daily spiritual text. On my most trying days I would hear my phone chirp, to find the perfect scripture just for me. Lastly, I would like to shout the biggest thanks to GOD, because without you, I would be nothing.
Chapter One
“Damn, I look good!” I say to myself. While looking in the full length mirror a slow smile creeps across my face. I get a lot of my looks from my mom, I don’t resemble my dad in any way. My eyes are drop dead gorgeous, they’re green with specks of brown and they hold an exotic slant. My hair is straight and hangs past my shoulders. My nose, I got from my mom’s mixed heritage.
I tell you, when you start mixing up the gene pool you don’t know what the end results might be. My mother’s mother is Cuban and Black. My mother’s father is Irish and Black. My father is Grade A one hundred percent Black, African American, Afro American, hell whatever label they have slapped on us these days. My families’ history is kind of sketchy on my fathers’ side. Whatever bags of tricks my ancestors were playing in, I happen to be the end result. Let me be the first one to say, “Thank you Jesus!”
My lips are full and very kissable. I’m five foot seven inches of pure hotness. My body, there is no mistaking; I got this from the Black and Cuban heritage. My breasts are perfect, perky and just the right size, thirty-six C. Not too small, not too big. My waist comes in and my hips spread out. My ass is round and in a pair of jeans it’s a show stopper. My skin is the color of honey, I have never been plagued with pimples… FLAWLESS.
Enough of boosting my own eagle, I need to head off to school. I’m a senior at Timber Falls High School. It’s a majority black school and you can ask anyone there, if they have heard or know of Amber Wallace, they will all say, yes. I’m a very popular girl. The boys love me and the girls…I’m going to keep it real, the girls hate me. I don’t let it stop my show.
The girls that hate on me are just jealous, envious, bitches. They look at my material goods, my physical appearance and the fact that I have both parents in the home and don’t forget the important fact that I can get Any-Guy-I-Want. They drool at the mouth at the opportunity of being me. They would love to be me, knowing that they can never be me, causes them to hate on me. They call me names behind my back, I’ve been called so many bitches that I had to stop counting.
I have had one female that was bold enough to disrespect me to my face this year. I would have let it go because I have other things to worry about than someone calling me names. Especially, a name that I’ve heard hundreds of times throughout my life. I would have taken the higher road. I could have plastered a smile on my face and walked away, unfortunately all of my rational thinking flew out the window when Alicia came at me accusing me of sleeping with her man. The gloves were off, not because of what she said, but of what she did.
*****
“Amber! You BITCH!”
Alicia’s face was in a hateful snarl when she approached my locker. I stood there with a smirk on my face. Did she really think by calling me a bitch, I would join her in this little screaming match.
“What the fuck were you doing at Jason’s house?” She yells at me. I continued to smile as I grab my science book and close my locker door.
“Doing you a favor, believe me.” I laugh at my inside joke. “Alicia, I really need to get to class, I don’t need or want a tardy today?” I was trying to head off this stupid argument before it even started. I should have known it wouldn’t be that easy, what in life is?
“What the fuck…What the FUCK do you think I want? I want to know why you were at Jason’s house! I want to know why he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore!”
“Alicia, that’s between you and Jason. Those are questions you need to ask him, Not Me!”
If she only knew the real reason for the breakup, she would actually be thanking me right now instead of wanting to kick my ass. I swore that I wouldn’t say a word and if anything, I’m good with secrets. I would say, I am the best at keeping secrets.
“I’m asking you!” She yelled and pointed her finger in my face. “Did you fuck him? Did you fuck my man?”
“First, you need to get out of my face. Second, if he was your man and if, you were doing your job right, you wouldn’t have to worry about him with another woman. Third, I have issues with personal space. I’m warning you, you need to back up around ten feet.”
I took in a quick glance of my surroundings and noticed that we were surrounded by students egging Alicia on. I could feel the atmosphere charging. I knew that this confrontation was about to head to the next level, I could feel it. I had my back against the locker with my books in my arms. I was trying to play it cool, but I knew there was about to be trouble.
Alicia glowered at me for a moment, anger played on her face in many forms. She placed her hands on either side of my head, palms flat, resting on the lockers behind me.
My heart started to trip as I blinked nonstop. I heard the students laughing at me, saying how scared I looked, but I could not comprehend. I could not totally focus on their words. I could not focus on Alicia’s words…I caught only snippets.
“Bitch, I will kill you!” She said in a low menacing growl.
I kept glancing at her hands braced on the side of my head. I was sweating, my heart was pounding… I FELT TRAPED. NO GOD…
(FLASHBACK)
I find myself in bed, trapped under a man. His hands are braced on the sides of my head, palms down, caging me in.
“Don’t scream, don’t say a word.” He said. “You’re going to love me. You’re going to learn to love the feel of me inside of you.”
I lay there feeling trapped and helpless. I mutely scream as silent tears tumble down my face.
“Don’t cry my sweet little princess…please, don’t cry. I love you so much. If only you knew how much I love you…I’ll show you, don’t worry… I’ll show you, Okay?”
The entire time of him talking to me he was slowly, gently, easing his shaft into my tender, young opening.
*****
I snapped back to the here and now with fierceness in my eyes. The suddenness of going from shaking and rapid breathing to staring straight into Alicia’s eyes showing no fear, put the fear of GOD in this girl standing in front of me. I dropped my books. Alicia looked startled, the tables were turning and not in her favor. She made the mistake of treating me as if I were just another pretty face. She could not have known that I was a fighter, a survivor.
I stalked her with my eyes as if I were a caged lion. I may have been tamed by another; he may have even forced me to love him in a sick sort of way. A person should never forget that a caged lion might purr and act tame, that does not take away that it is still a wild beast. It’s vital that you mustn’t forget that it is still a deadly creature. If you ever make the mistake of springing the lock of the cage that holds GOD’s mighty beast…let’s say… if you survive the initial attack, you will never make the same mistake twice in your lifetime.
Too Alicia’s defense, she did not realize she was playing with such an animal. Unfortunately, she was about to realize her mistake. I sprang with all the grace of a predator. Alicia tried to scramble out of my path, regrettably, I was much quicker. I was on her in a matter of seconds. I will not be trapped by someone new. I warned her! I told her to back off! She did not listen! Now, she will suffer the consequences. I snapped…I did not realize I had so much anger pinned up inside of me. I came back to reality to the sounds of people screaming…screaming my name.
“Stop Amber, get off of her!”
Everything played out in slow motion from that moment on. I looked down at my hands as if they were not mine. I looked at my blood covered hands as if I were in a trance. Where did all of this blood come from? I franticly started to rub my face to make sure that she did not slice me. I wasn’t thinking in the right frame of mind, all the time I spent rubbing my face and checking my clothes I was smearing my victims’ blood on every inch of me.
“You crazy BITCH, get off of her!”
Only at that time did I realize I was straddling someone. Not someone, what lie underneath me was a bloody…broken… Alicia. This was not a small amount of blood, there was so much…blood, too much. Oh...My...GOD what have I done? I started crying and yelling at the top of my lungs.
“Somebody get help! Please help… call 9-1-1!”
In between sobs I kept glancing down at the destruction that I had caused. I realized that I was still straddling Alicia. I quickly moved off of her. I sat to the right side of this pile of quivering, beaten, bloody mess and very carefully, very gently, pulled Alicia onto my lap. I cradled her as if she were a baby.
“I’m so sorry. Jesus, help me! I didn’t mean to do this! Please, where is the help? Did someone, anyone call 9-1-1?”
I could hear the sounds of feet clattering about. I could barely see Mr. White’s face through my veil of tears. Mr. White is the current principle of Timber Falls high school.
“Amber…Amber what have you done?” Mr. White said this in an almost hushed voice. I think he was in shock at what lay before him.
“Please….PLEASE …Mr. White, help her! I didn’t mean to hurt her this bad. She…She…”
I could not control the tears from flowing. I became the levy that broke. There were no repairmen that could fix me. There were no sandbags to stop the flow of emotions, the flow of tears from escaping me. I WAS BROKEN! I have taken all the pressure I could take. My walls could not withstand the currents of my life.
Everything went black.
Demented Love
Love, L-O-V-E, when did our love change?
When did it manifest from sane to insane?
I thought it was cemented in fatherly hugs and kisses, now it is demented with hugs, kisses and near misses.
What is demented Love?
I love you! I hate you! Don’t touch me! Touch me, please don’t stop. I’m in heaven! I’m in hell! I’ll kill you and I’ll kill HER if you ever tell!
Love, L-O-V-E, when did our love change?
When did it manifest from sane to insane?
I thought it was cemented in fatherly hugs and kisses, now it is demented with hugs, kisses and near misses.
What is demented Love?
Sitting on your lap having tea parties as a small child, you staring at me telling me I’m your number one gal. Mom standing back smiling at the both of us and turns to me with a silent plea for me to accept the love that should naturally be.
Love, L-O-V-E, when did our love change?
When did it manifest from sane to insane?
I thought it was cemented in fatherly hugs and kisses, now it is demented with hugs, kisses and near misses.
What is demented Love?
How quick time pass. I’m growing up pretty fast. My reflection shows that I have slits, tits and yeah, womanly hips. I’m only twelve, where did the time go? I’m becoming a woman now. I look in the mirror of the reflection of me to reveal the woman I will soon be. I’m not quite there yet, but as I stare the reflection picks up your hungrily glare.
Love, L-O-V-E, when did our love change?
When did it manifest from sane to insane?
I thought it was cemented in fatherly hugs and kisses, now it is demented with hugs, kisses and near misses.
What is demented Love?
The arms that used to hug and comfort me, now restrain and beat me! The hands that used to wipe away my tears and vanquish my fears, now penetrate my young openings and instill fear in my young mind, to the point where I have no choice, but to bottle up my screaming voice.
I now ask YOU, Love, L-O-V-E, when did our love change?
Are you FUCKING INSANE?
Do I have to answer this, this question, because it’s pretty lame? It’s pretty obvious what the cause is and his name, like mine is…….
SHAME!
Chapter 2
Flashback
“No other man will ever give you the pleasure I can.”
“No!” I responded in a husky voice.
“If you ever give yourself completely to another man, I’ll kill you.”
His deep baritone voice vibrated my lips and traveled down to my toes. He captured my lower lip between his teeth and bit down hard until I made a pained sound. He loved that he could cause pain and pleasure. In the back of my mind, I knew this was wrong. I knew I should not feel for him as I did. I should be screaming. I should be screaming and telling everyone that would listen, what he has done to me. But…I can’t… I love him. He has made sure of that.
He released my lip slowly, I gasped from the feel of it. My breathing is heavy from the adrenaline coursing through my veins. I’m frightened…I’m horrified…I’m turned on…I hate him…I lo
ve him…GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!
My hands are held above my head captured in one of his, I did not struggle though. He has taught me not too. I want to run…I want to stay…Please don’t touch me…Please don’t stop… So many emotions in a matter of seconds, which one do I choose. He plays me like the master pianist he is; he strokes my humanoid keys of perfection. He has finely tuned his instrument over the years so each press, each stroke, each demanding strike of my keys brings forth harmonious groans of grandeur. I cried out notes of pleasure as he drew my breast into his mouth. He quickly covers my mouth with his hand.
“Do you want to be punished?” He asked.
I could not speak - so much guilt…so much pleasure. I was afraid of what might come out of my mouth if I said anything. So, I shook my head. He released his hold on my mouth.
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