I look down from the peep show to glance at my watch. Damn, it’s one-thirty in the morning, already. I need to be heading out as well. When I look up, they have stopped kissing and both have a dazed look on their face.
“Emily, wait a second I need to leave as well. We can walk out together.”
I don’t want to leave, but I don’t want to chance walking into the house any later than necessary. I must not rock that boat. I’m already in hot water at home. I turn to Chase to place a quick kiss on his lips.
“Babe I have to go. Have fun with your friends and I’ll text you when I make it home.” I turn to his friends. “It was nice meeting all of you. I can’t wait until Christmas break. We’ll have plenty of time to hang out. This has been such an awesome night.”
I stand and give everyone a hug goodbye before heading home. Officially, this has been one of the best nights ever.
Not your life to take
So, I’m contemplating taking my own life, but I’m wondering if it’s alright.
If it’s alright to squander away my blessing…
If it’s alright due to all my stressing…
If it’s alright to jump with both feet in...
If it’s alright to say, I’m second guessing...
You’re being selfish!
This is my last song!
I’ve endured and held on for way to long!
I’ve bucked up, stood up, and said way too much!
It’s time for me to silence my sad plea, hasten and flee to a land and people who will greet me with glee.
But, there’s a voice…a presence in me who will not let me be, who has me second guessing my decisions to leave? So, I ask this entity who is he. Who are you to revoke my choice to leave?
To leave a world of misery…
To leave a world of pain…
To leave a world of seclusion…
To leave a world that’s gone insane!
Who are you to revoke my chance to lessen my pain?
(Strong mighty voice)
Who am I? I am he, He is me, most importantly, I AM... The almighty, too whom you pray to in the sky.
You will not get my blessings to leave a world that I have created for thee. You will not squander the life I gave you. I will no longer listen to your deplorable pleas.
In your own words you will buck up, shut up, stand up, and live this precious life I gave to thee. I will demand that you live this life to the best of your ability.
You – belong – to - me.
So, until that day when you can truly see…
Until that day, when you can be that mighty strong being that I have created you to be…
Until that day, when you can hold your head up high…
Until that day, when your mind, body, and soul can reach for the sky…
Until the day, when you no longer believe the devils lie…
I will hold you tight and whisper every minute, day and night that your life is worth living until YOU see the light.
I will stand by your side through thick and thin…
I will stand by your side even when you sin…
I will be your voice of reason…
I will be the invisible hand guiding you through life’s gruesome demands!
YOUR – LIFE – BELONGS – TO – ME…and one day you will wake to see, how much your life really means to me.
Chapter 23
As I pull into the driveway, I notice all the lights are off. I send up a quick prayer thanking GOD for small favors. I’m assuming that my parents are fast asleep. I did not want a run in with my father after such a wonderful night. I pick up my phone to call Chase to let him know that I have made it home safe and sound, at the last minute I decided against it. I’ll call once I’m in my room.
I lock up my car and head to the front door. I insert my key, the lock turns, but the door does not open. I retry my key two additional times, to no avail the door does not budge. I bet my asshole of a father thought this would be funny. He couldn’t let my night end on a high note, could he? He had to find a way to fuck with me in some sort of way.
I blow out a frustrated breath and start to walk around the house to enter through the kitchen. Let me first point out, that this is not a small house. I’ve been dancing majority of the night, my feet are hurting and my legs are burning. So, this walk to the back door is more than a little bit frustrating. To make matters worse, this asshole has turned off the motion sensor lights heading to the back of the house. So, I’m walking in complete darkness. DAMN HIM!
I’m muttering and cursing him beneath my breath as I try to pick my way through the darkness. I’m pretty much walking through a forest. Mom has all these stupid bushes that block the side house view, from the street. I could get mugged or killed on the side of the house and no one would know it unless the gardener found me.
As that last thought filters through my head I hear a twig crack behind me. I automatically stop in my tracks, my heart starts to pound. As if I’m in a bad horror flick, I’m paralyzed where I stand. My brain is telling me to get the hell out of the damn darkness, but my limbs will not respond to the fucking demand.
“Hello?” thump, thump, thump “Is anybody out here?”
I start to perspire. I turn to pick up my pace, but it’s no use I can’t see anything in front of me. The heels on my feet do not help my current situation at all. Every step I take my heels sinks into the moist soil or mulch that’s covering the ground. I promise, first thing in the morning I will make myself more familiar with the outside of my home. If I ever find myself in this situation again, I will be able to run this gantlet with my eyes closed.
That’s basically what I’m doing now shuffling around in the dark. The difference is, I have no clue where I’m going. The large trees and bushes shroud the house in seclusion. I start pushing limbs and flora with purpose. I don’t get that far when I’m shoved in my back and I lose my balance. I stretch out my arms to brace my fall as I simultaneously scream in fright.
“Stop! Please, stop!” thumpthumpthumpthumpthump. My heart is on a continuous loop. I can feel my terror rising. As I fall on my hands and knees I feel something in my right ankle snap.
I let out a blood curdling scream. I am shocked out of my scream when what felt like a booted foot forcefully kicks me in my ribs with so much force, I’m knocked onto my side. The air used for screaming has forcefully been expelled from my lungs with that vicious kick. No matter how much air I try to take in, it’s no use I can only manage a measly moan.
“Ple…please…ple…please ..st…stop!” I try to wheeze out.
My attacker stays quiet as I lay there panting and crying. I lay there trying to quickly catch my breath and to somehow visualize a way to get out of this. I lay there quiet, but in the inside I was screaming; “Mommy, Daddy, help me!”
“I won’t tell anyone about this. Please just leave me alone. Please stop!” I try to bargain my way out of this situation as I cry hysterically. My words are rushed.
I scoot on my rear to put distance between me and my attacker. Every minute movement brings on searing pain through my chest and ankle. With enough distance between us, I felt that I could make a move. I roll over to my hands and knees and try my best to crawl to safety. I hear twigs snapping behind me as my pursuer follows me. My GOD, he’s playing with me.
“Hel…” My scream for help is non effective. I tip forward head first. The momentum of my downfall will ensure damage will be done. The sole of his boot against my butt has made sure of that.
As I kneel in the darkness with wetness running down my face, I realize that it is too thick and in the wrong vicinity to be my heart wrenching tears. I am reduced to being someone else’s victim, yet again. I am too paralyzed to move a mere inch. So, I stay kneeling preparing myself to be the sacrificial lamb…once again.
I hear my attacker walk to my uninjured side. My quakes could level massive cities. My teeth are chattering and my body is shaking. I feel the breeze of air befo
re my body is rocked by another blow. As if he has marked me with a red “X”, his foot lands on its target with pinpoint accuracy.
“Ahhhhhhhhh!” I try to scream, but it’s stuck. My body wants to cry, but just like my screams they have forsaken me.
I land on my side and moan in pain. My attacker is enjoying playing with me. He stands back to allow me to catch my breath. I don’t know if it’s been ten minutes or an hour since this nightmare has begun. I hear my cellphone start to ring. It rings a familiar tune, a tune I know well.
“Chase!” I croak out.
I discover a small corner of energy in my almost empty reservoir. I tap into that and balance myself on my hands and knees and try my damnedest to reach the blinking light on my discarded cellphone. If only I can reach it...almost...almost…got…it. He kicks the phone out of my grasp when I am only mere inches away.
Does he know how hard it was to move these few feet. Does he know…?
“Chase – PLEASE!” I cry out as my fire is doused by his cruelty.
I lay huddled on the ground and sob as I have never done before. I thought I knew what cruelty was. How could I not, with a father like mine. But, his cruelty has never reached to this level. If someone would ask me in this moment which would I chose, it’s sad to say, but I would choose the devil I know, than the monster lurking in the dark behind me. At least my father’s cruelty comes from some misguided warped sense of love. My current attacker’s brutality is full of hate. I can feel the revulsion with every swift kick to my side that he’s inflicting on me.
I scream when the next kick cracks something inside of me. “Whyyyy?” I cry out.
“Finally, the question I want to hear.” Came the voice I was unprepared to hear.
Shockwaves of nausea rolls through me. The night became as silent as fog creeping over a still lake. Not a single cricket dared to chirp. Not even an owl dared to hoot, time has frozen in place. My chest constricts at the recognizable timber in his voice.
“Daddy – WHY?” I release an anguished cry.
“Did you think you would not pay for what you have done? Did you not think you wouldn’t get punished for walking out of this house looking like someone’s whore?” He grabs my hair and tries to stand me up, I buckle. My foot is useless, I fall back to the ground on all fours.
“You know what, that position works better for me anyway.” He says menacingly. “You want to dress and conduct yourself like a whore. I’m going to show you how I treat a whore.”
I know from experience that I can’t fight him. He has always been much stronger and I’m just too weak. Tonight, he has beaten even the slightest bit of defiance out of me.
I feel my dress being yanked up my body with force. My body is yanked off balance as my thong is forcefully torn from my privates. I realize he has planned for my torture. A form of torture I have never endured before. I feel something cool and slick, some sort of gel, on my rectum…and it dawns on me. This is how he is to show me just how he treats, whores.
I lose my hold on the physical plain. The degradation and humiliation of this act alone has me feeling useless and used, like paper cups and paper bowls…dirty, soiled, and ravaged by overuse. Trash, that’s what I am. I’m simply – TRASH - laying here on the ground on all fours, waiting for him to deposit his dirty seeds to once again soil my soul.
I can no longer worry about the ravaged state my body is in, or the hurts and pains racking my misused unprepared orifice. No, I can no longer worry about the state of my body because I’m too worried about what state of mind I will be in once I have been discarded.
My mind has fragmented to such a degree, that I couldn’t understand what my mind would not allow me to see. I will chalk this up as a small blessing. My body has shut down, I no longer cried, grunted, or screamed in pain. I lay there in the nothingness that my life has become and I became NOTHING! I hear a rhythm…my heart is beating out of my chest. It’s playing a beat, a rhythm, a sorrowful tune, that I’m ashamed to say I have become accustomed too. It’s playing a beat that’s so familiar, slightly different, but it’s somewhat out of tune.
My frantic heart, his grunts, and the sounds of his body colliding with mine, plays an enchanting melodic tune called; My Dismal Demise. I took the excruciating pain and hurt, stuffed it in the back of my mind…threw away the key and declared it …OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND! I close my eyes tight and focus on the void which is now my life.
At some point the enchanting tune comes to a crescendo and I am left alone. Broken…Beaten…Raped…Bloody…And, Alone. I am unsure how long I lay there in my stillness. Light, he has finally turned on the lights. My fragmented mind has noticed this minor detail.
I cannot stand; I believe my ankle is broken. I cannot breathe; I believe my ribs are cracked. I manage to drag myself in the house. After a while, I manage to drag myself up the steps and into my room. No doubt, leaving a trail of blood in my wake.
Determination has me dragging myself across the floor. I make it to my shower stall and I am able to turn the water on hot. Reaching into my vanity I locate my prize. My little bit of energy that I summoned to drag myself to the comforts of my room is waning fast, but I make it to the shower stall and do what I have dreamed of for years, but have never had the courage to follow through with. I might not have had the courage to fight him off, but I do have the courage to complete this last task.
In the end, the act of taking your own life is easy. After everything has been taken from you…your hopes… your dreams… your protection…your innocence…YOU…after you have been reduced to a life of nothingness…what’s there to lose? NOTHING!!!!!
I put action to my thoughts. So, I slice what gives me life in the hopes that my afterlife is a whole lot better than my first. My last thoughts as I slip into darkness is, Chase I’m sorry! I love you! GOD I LOVE YOU, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!
Chapter 24
(Chase Mitchell)
As I sit here surrounded by my four best friends, I start to feel strange, as if something isn’t sitting right with me. I have an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, as if some very bad shit is about to hit the fan. In other words, I know I’m not going to be happy with the outcome. Since Amber and the girls left, it feels like a piece of me is missing. My boys have commented several times about how I look like someone has kicked my puppy. But, I refuse to be baited into that stupid conversation.
I pick up my phone to call Amber for the third time since she left. Again, no answer.
“Damn, dude. How many times are you going to call her?” Brent commented.
“As many times as it takes for her to pick up the fucking phone.” I snap my response.
“Chill man, maybe she’s in the restroom or something.” Cameron tried to calm my rising beast.
“Sorry.” I don’t direct the apology to anyone in particular. Hell, I have been a grumpy bastard since my girl left me behind. So, actually the apology is directed to everyone.
I pick up my phone to check it one more time. I go even further by checking to see if my ringer is on. Once I’ve checked and everything is okay I decide to send her a quick text.
“Have you made it home?”
I sit with the phone in my hand staring at the screen, in the hopes that it was just an oversight on her part. Hoping, that I am imagining my racing heart. That she simply forgot to check in, to let me know that she made it home safe. But, I don’t get a response.
“Amber, are you okay?”
Again, I wait a few minutes and I still don’t receive a reply. The dread building inside me is getting much stronger. I know her as surely as if she were flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone. If she said she was going to call me, she would have. I get pulled from my inner turmoil.
“Bro, why don’t we bounce and do a quick drive-by to see if her car is in the driveway. That way, you will have a little piece of mind.” Brent suggested.
“Yeah, maybe she got really tired when she entered the house and went straight to sleep when she got there.�
�� Jazz added.
I look down at my phone one last time. Upon expelling a quick frustrated breath, I decided to take them up on their suggestion. I’ll just do a quick drive-by, I tell myself. Yes, I understand that these are stalker tendencies, but something is urging me into action. This unresponsiveness is not in my girl’s character.
As we all lumber out to my car my phone rings. Finally! I don’t look at the screen to see who it is. My only thought is that, she made it home. Because I was so amped and relieved that my phone actually rung, I answered it harshly.
“Why did it take you so long to call me?”
“Chase?”
Spoiled Secrets Page 17
