I’m caught off guard by my mother’s voice and the hysterical crying in the background. My mind goes into overdrive. First, I have no idea where Amber is and now mom calls with an uncontrollable inconsolable Peanut, in the background.
“Mom! What happened, what’s going on?” I ask frantically.
“Chase, I don’t know! She started screaming and hollering, demanding that I call you, RIGHT NOW!” My mother sounds freaked out.
“Mommy….please let me talk to my brother! Please mommy, it’s important.” Came Peanuts tearful voice over the line. I hear movement on the other line as the phone is transferred into her possession.
I stand stock still by the driver’s side door of my whip. My friends are all staring at me trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I lift my index finger to tell them to give me one minute. Simultaneously, I hear sniffling on the line and my heart constricts.
“Peanut, baby girl what’s wrong? Did you have a bad dream?” I look over at my friends and they are all giving me indulgent smiles. They all know me so well, they know that Peanut’s my world.
“Shhhhh…stop!” I immediately quite. That bad feeling starts to creep in again. “She needs you… she needs you now!”
My body starts to quake. “Who needs me?” But, I already know. I hit the top of my car to get everyone’s attention. “Get in the car now, or else I’m leaving your asses!” I bark out.
“Chase, I seen it. I seen it in my head. I just know!” She starts to wail on the line. Oh shit!
I fumble with the keys trying to insert them in the ignition, but my hands are trembling so bad they drop to the ground. I start to shake uncontrollably as my thoughts run away from me. Was it a wreck? Is she somewhere in a ditch? Is she hurt? Is she dying? Please GOD not another one; please don’t take another person I love away from me! In some calmer part of my brain that I have been denied access too, I comprehend that Jazz has reached over to pick up the fallen keys.
“Chase….Chase….” Peanuts squeaky vulnerable voice penetrates my rattled brain. “Please don’t be quiet on me. You hear me big brother? I can feel you in my heart, I’m beeping faster. I don’t like when you make my heart beep faster. It means that you’re scared and you’re not supposed to be scared because you’re my, big strong brother. You beat up and protect what’s yours…. Please don’t be scared! He said you must think soft to help her.” Peanut whispers in the phone. I hear the phone rustling. “Mommy, I don’t think I used the right word…I don’t think I said it the right way.” She says in a frustrated tone.
“Do you mean the last part?” I hear my mother in the background.
“Yeah…I mean yes.”
“Did you mean, he should think in a calm manner? That he must approach the situation cautiously and level headed.” Mom tries to help her with her words. I hear Peanut huff and more phone rustling.
“Mom is using too many big words that I can’t say, whatever they all mean. Did you hear her? Just think soft. I think you know what I mean. Soft, Chase! That’s what my voice said.”
She’s trying to calm me and I appreciate it all the more because by me freaking out, it only incites her more. I take a deep calming breath.
“Chase, you ready? You thinking softly, now?”
“Yes, please Peanut, tell me where she is. Is she hurt badly?”
“The voice in my head, the one you told me not to be afraid of, told me to get up and call you, RIGHT NOW! I seen her house, I think she’s there…but…he said, not all the way. Chase, I can’t explain it right…” She starts crying out of frustration.
“You’re doing good princess! Just try to explain it the best you can.” I keep up the conversation as I zip through traffic, surpassing all speed limits, wishing that a police car will pick up my trail. But, in case I don’t come across one, I ask Jazz to call 911 as I provided the address of Ambers home.
“She needs a doctor…he said…Ummm, quickly…he’s holding her soul for you.” My heart stops. Her soul?
“You did good baby girl. Thank you, for having mommy call me. Now, I need you to go back to bed and I’ll see you when I get there.”
“Wait!! Chase, tell Amber when she wakes up, that I need to see her. I think she’s sleep, I seen her eyes closed. So, when she opens her eyes tell her it’s important, I got a message to tell her. He told me a message. Can you remember that?”
“Okay, I’ll tell her, now get to bed.” I quickly disconnect the call. Her eyes are closed…what does that mean?
I tried to hold in my hysterics while I was on the phone with her, but as soon as I disconnected the floodgates opened and every emotion known to man consumed me.
I screech to a stop in front of Amber’s home. I jump out of the vehicle and run to the front door and start to pound and ring the doorbell frantically. I notice the foyer light has just been turned on, footsteps are fast approaching from behind the door and behind me. I know whom the footsteps belongs too that are fast approaching from behind. The one’s coming from behind the closed door is unknown, to me. I am so amped up at this point that I tell myself, if the door isn’t opened within ten seconds, it will be opened involuntarily by my booted foot.
What I surmised from the conversation with my sister is that, time is of the essence. Time stood still as the door opened. Both of Amber’s parents stood at the door in their night robes. One looked confused to see me and the other looks shockingly pissed. But, I refuse to give this asshole a second of my time. I will not take a second longer to decipher his pissed glare.
As I look beyond them, my frantic heart goes into overdrive as my eyes land on the white carpet smeared in places with deep red blood stains leading up to Amber’s room. I hear someone gasp behind me. I shove past her parents, leaping two and three steps at a time.
“Oh my GOD, my baby!” I hear Amber’s mother scream far behind me.
I’m guessing she has just noticed what had me running through her house like a mad man. I hear footsteps pounding up the steps behind me. But, I can give two fucks about anyone besides my girl.
“Amber!” I yell out her name as I barge into her room, my frantic eyes cannot locate her.
Two doors! One must be the closet and the other the restroom. I soon realize that I have been left a horrific clue on which door to choose. The smeared blood points me in the right direction. I rush the door and what I see takes the breath out of me. PLEASE, NOT MY AIR!
“Amber, NOOOOOOO!” My anguished scream probably could be heard down the block. I rush to the shower stall and fall to my knees.
The cold water pounding down on me, doesn’t faze me. The bloody water soaking my shoes and clothes does not compute. All I can do is kneel and cry and ask GOD, why. I’m so far gone for a while that I forget the most important part of Peanut’s message. He’s holding her soul! Could that mean that she isn’t that far gone as I first feared?
I hear screaming and crying behind me, I pay it no attention. I reach up with trembling hands and smooth her sodden hair from her face. Oh so gently, as if not to disturb her morbid slumber, I try to locate a heartbeat in her neck. It’s – It’s – It’s there. It’s faint, but it is most defiantly there.
I hurriedly scoop her into my arms; place a gentle kiss to her forehead, as I turn to exit the restroom.
“Hold on babe. I’m here now! Nothing else will happen to you. Please hold on, don’t leave me. Help is on the way.” I whisper demandingly in her ear.
“What do you think you are doing?” Mr. Wallace yells at me and positions himself to block my exit.
“She’s not dead! I felt a heartbeat. It’s faint, but it’s there.” I try to explain.
“She’s DEAD! Put her the fuck down, right now!” He yells at me. At that moment, right then, with the crazed look staring back at me defiantly, that look lets me know that he wants her to be… DEAD.
I notice that he has a death grip on his wife’s shoulders anchoring her to where she stands. I clutch Amber to my chest protectively. He sees my movement and h
is eyes lands on Amber with disgust. When they look back at me they are full of hatred. I know one thing, I’m done playing nice. My girl’s survival depends on me. I refuse to let her slip any further away from me.
“She’s not dead. Any longer left bleeding out, she might have been. I think if we can get some pressure on her wrist to slow the bleeding, I …I…she’s got to be okay. The ambulance should be here any minute. I think she can make it...she has to make it!” My words are rushed as I try to explain this, to this senseless man.
“Get – Your – Filthy – Fucking – Hands – Off – Of – Her! Put – Her – Down!” He snarls at me.
“Get the FUCK out of my way before I bulldoze your punk-ass!” I yell at him.
“Let him through, what’s wrong with you?” I hear Mrs. Wallace tearful question which, is being ignored. I walk forward to exit the restroom and this crazy motherfucker blocks my way, yet again.
I look around franticly because I know we’re running out of time. She needs her wounds staunched quickly. I growl in frustration because this asshole would rather for his daughter to die in my arms than allow anyone to tend to her. I notice Cameron standing by the bedroom door taking in this whole fucked up scene with wide eyes. I have no other choice; I’m going straight through this motherfucker.
Cam see’s it in my face and he moves silently into the room. FUCK IT ALL! I rush the bastard. Me, carrying a limp Amber close to my heart. I tuck my head, put on a burst of speed, and I rush this, MOTHA-FUCKING-SON-OF-A-BITCH!
“Cam!” I yell in my best friend’s direction.
This silly bastard loses his balance and exits the bathroom doorway, by force. I pull off a move that any NFL coach would be proud of. I’m able to hand off my very human size prize over to Cameron just in time. The wide eye stare on Cameron’s face tells me that Mr. Wallace is up to no good. Yeah, I know the number one rule in combat, never turn your back on your enemy. Unfortunately, I had no other option.
I feel the impact to the back of my head as he tries to rock my bell, with a sucka punch. As the punch registers, I notice Mrs. Wallace has jumped into her doctors mode, she has directed Cameron to lay Amber on the bed as she works on bandaging her wounds. Great, now I can deal with this! All of my anger and frustration bubbles to the surface.
“Do you know who I am?” He yells in my direction, sounding like a reject supervillain.
With lightning fast speed I perform a spinning back kick to his sternum. I don’t give him time to fall to the ground. I go on the attack. How many times do I have to inform these simpletons, that I protect those who I deem are mine? The look of disgust in this motherfuckers face because I tried to save Amber’s life, yeah, he’s fucked with the wrong one tonight. Don’t’ come between me and mine!
“I – (gut punch) - Don’t – (kidney punch) – Give - (jab to the face) – A FUCK – (uppercut)! As he lands sprawled out on the carpeted floor I hear the sirens approaching. I lean all up in his personal space and whisper my final words.
“I’m not sure what happened here, but if I find out you had anything to do with it, I’ll fucking gut you like a fish. I’ll kill you! Just so you know, I’m revoking your parental privileges, asshole. She’s MINE! Do you hear me? Amber is MINE!” I glare down at him and dare him to deny my rights to her. I grunt and continue on. He needs to know the score before I leave here tonight.
“Do I know who you are? Sure, you’re a dead man walking, bitch! The question you should be asking is; do you know who I am?” I let loose an evil laugh. “Let me clue you in, I’m your executioner, motherfucker!”
With that, I hit him so hard that he blacks out, just in time for the paramedics and the police to rush the room.
Finally!
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
Psalm 119:105
So we have the prophetic word made more sure, to which you do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star arises in your hearts.
2 Peter 1:19
Chapter 24
What have I done? What have I done? “Dear GOD, what have I done!?” I scream out loud.
I am unsure how long I have sat here in the darkness kneeling and screaming, why me. I am unsure if my eyes are open or closed. There is a vastness of darkness surrounding me. I can feel my hands and the smooth ground beneath me, but my sight of such things has eluded me. This is not what I expected it to be.
I cry for seconds, minutes, days, weeks, months…I am unsure of the time because I am no longer on a plane that goes by something so, mundane. I am at the mercy of another who is the ultimate master of time itself. So, mere seconds to me, can actually be weeks, you see. So, I sit and cry and wallow in my despair. I wonder for the millionth time why I allowed him, my father, to take me there.
My life that I have foolishly revoked starts to flash in my minds eyes. I see glimpses of a time and place that are foreign to me. I see my mother, young and happy standing by a fair skinned handsome man. He looks familiar …but…not. I see a baby being cradled in both of their joined arms. I feel the love deep down…who is this man?
In the next glimpse of a far forgotten past, I see a slightly older child. I see the same fair skinned man singing lullabies and wiping away tears...from…mmm…my eyes. I wail with the knowledge and understanding that this child is somehow, me. I feel a twinge of longing for this version of my reality because this is what a father is supposed to be. I feel the unconditional love generate and flow straight through me and attach itself with surgical precision to my soul.
I gasp for breath because the wounds that he has created, has always been exposed. I’ve put bandage after bandage over my rotted and decaying soul. I gasp for air because this extensive surgery…I can feel it…I can feel it start its miraculous repair.
I scream out in agony as sharp pains dig into my psyche, to slay the darkness that once held me bondage with chains of guilt. I focus on the metaphysical pain that has me writhing on the ground in this unknown plane. I lay here as each speckle of darkness is meticulously removed. Each wound is replaced by golden sutures guaranteeing me new strength, hope and a new existence.
As I lay under GOD’s phenomenal healing hands, I realize that every issue in my life began with a small speck of tainted sand. The first speck was the not so innocent touches, which my silence was rewarded and bought with gifts. The second speck consisted of, “Give daddy a kiss, that’s my little princess”. These not so innocent specks of sand, these fertile seeds were planted in my psyche when I was merely three. I realized now that I could have had the upper hand.
All the missed opportunities of coming clean, of speaking the truth flash before me. I could have stopped this years and years ago, if I only chose. But, I didn’t have the courage to verbalize what was happening to me. How could a three year old…I guess it’s as simple as saying my ABC’s and “mommy he touched me!” But, I didn’t know.
When the sexual abuse started happening I was afraid to say anything. I was held back by images of losing my mother. I cry some more because I could have stopped this, long ago. I endured because I was scared. I sacrificed my innocence to keep her alive. Oh mommy I’m so sorry, I’ve allowed us to live a lie!
My sobs are quieted as I am soothed by phantom hands. My comforter runs his hands through my hair and starts to hum the lullaby from my earlier glimpse into my past. I go still as words with a slightly musical tone float through my head.
“Satan is a deceiver, one who gives false impressions. He wanted you to fear so that he could continue with his dirty deeds. But, the wool has been pulled from your eyes. It will be hard for him to get over on you with anymore of his dirty lies. Calm yourself my precious baby girl. I have been granted, but only a moment in time and I wish to hold you as I once did…as mine!”
His spoken words bring on more emotional pain. In this unknown land, in this darkness, in this void of space and time, I am lifted by ghostly hands. Just for a moment, I relinquish my h
old on my self-loathing as I allow him to hold and shower me in his angelic warmth. I sink into his arms and let his love radiate through me. Tears that stain my skin are wiped clean, my face is dried by his angelic hands. All the while he’s humming my enchanting lullaby.
I feel his hand intertwine with mine, to my surprise a light starts to shine. I blink to adjust my eyes as the light centers on our hands. Nothing else in this space has been illuminated by this glorious golden light. I gasp in pain as a starburst of light burrows its way from his hand to mine. It continues its movement until a starburst pattern appears on both sides of my right hand.
“It’s something to remember me by; my time to depart is drawing near. It hurts, but I must say goodbye.”
The light starts to fade, in my mind I’m screaming, “PLEASE STAY!” I feel phantom lips press to the crown of my head, soon after, the ghostly presence quickly leaves. I cry from the loss of him. I cry because something deep down in my soul tells me to hold on to him, that he is integral to who I actually am. I am once again left huddled on the ground asking myself, why.
Spoiled Secrets Page 18
