Spoiled Secrets

by Ebony N. Donahue

  “Why!?” I scream aloud, not expecting to be answered.

  “Your so hung up on the when, why’s and how’s. My son was hung up for you and everyone else you see. So, quit with the hang ups because frankly, it’s insulting to me. My own sons hang ups, reigns supreme.” A mighty voice spoke in the darkness.

  “What kind of GOD allows an innocent child to be molested?” I fire back angrily.

  “The same GOD who sent his own son to die on a cross, that most would undoubtedly show daily, that they are ungrateful for.” He responds forcefully.

  How am I supposed to respond to that? I’m so upset… upset at myself…upset at my father…upset at my mother…upset at the world…upset at GOD. How am I supposed to approach GOD right now? I want to scream and shout. I want to point my finger at him and ask him why he didn’t do anything to help me. But, he shot the “why” questions down effectively.

  “I know you’re tired of the “why” questions, but if you love me how can you allow people like my father walk the earth. I don’t understand.” I’m perplexed and grasping for answers.

  “Do you not yet understand my love? I cannot love one of my children above another, no matter their wicked ways. But, I must say, you intrigue me.”

  I intrigue him! “If it’s not too much to ask…Is it possible to get some light in here. I’m not trying to be rude, but for my entire life as far back as I can remember; I’ve been running around haphazardly in the dark. I beg you; can I get a little light to see, it will lessen my fear?” I ask timidly.

  What’s that saying, be careful what you ask for. “As you requested, I will give you light.”

  I am blinded by the light that he has commanded to shine. I am unable to look upon the room or the figure standing in front of me, but for only a second of time. My eyes burn from the brightness surrounding me. I close my eyes from the stinging sensation the light has caused and once again I am plunged into darkness.

  “Ahhhhhh!” I screech in pain.

  I hear him tsk at me. “Why do you all try to demand and hasten my hand? Do you not think, I would have given you light to see? Due to your impatience, look at what you have brought upon yourself.”

  My eyes remain shut. “I get it! I must say that was a painful lesson learned and a little cruel.” He chuckles.

  “I will have to disagree; I gave you what you demanded of me. So, tell me, what have you learned?”

  I’m sitting up with my knees pulled to my chest. My head is leaning on my bent knees. My eyes are sealed shut. I periodically rub my face across my clothed cover knees to wipe away the moisture leaking from my irritated eyes.

  “Ummm - that even if a person wants something bad enough, it might not be the right time for them to take action, to take the situation into their own hands. It might not be your designated time for their blessing. And, if they force it, the outcome can become detrimental.”

  “I believe you have gotten the gist of it. So, my dear, why did you think it was okay to end your life prematurely, a life that is not you’re to take?” I can feel him standing beside me.

  “The suffering was too much to ask anyone to take! I felt as if my enemy was beating me senseless. That he was strangling the very air you gave me to breathe. With each breath the air became tainted and diseased, it became harder and harder to breathe, I felt hopeless. I asked for your help…many time I begged you on bended knees, but I got no response. So, I gave up!”

  “Amber, do you honestly believe that I want any of my children to suffer? I would like to point out that throughout all your suffering, throughout all of your anger and your bouts of cursing me out, you did not lose your faith.” I feel his hands cradle my face. I did not dare open my eye. I can feel the brightness radiating off of him in waves, it’s like being too close to the sun.

  “I’m so proud of that. Your faith is so strong, my young one. Because of that, I had wondrous plans in store for you. Although, my plans were sidetracked by your hasty attempt at hasten your death. My dear child, I’m not done with you yet.” He releases my face and walks away. “Amber, did you expect me pop into the world, walk out through a magical puff of air and smite your wrongdoers? Sweetheart that is not how it works.”

  “Yeah, sort of. I thought you would appear to pull him off of me and punish him for harming me.” I’m feeling all sorts of foolish at this point.

  “I was in the process of setting up your life. I strategically placed people and things in your life that would help you and lessen your strife. But, again, you did not wait for me. You decided to alter my plans.”

  “Sorry.” This was my lame apology.

  “Let me show you the agony that you have left behind.

  He places his hand on my head and I am standing in a room…a hospital waiting room. I see Keisha, Emily, Jazz, Cameron, Brent and Blake. Keisha and Emily are inconsolable. Emily is being held by Brent and Cameron is kneeling in front of Keisha speaking softly. His shirt is stained in red. Keisha must have said something about it because he grabs it and pulls it over his head and flings it in the trashcan. This leaves him bare chest, he seems to not care. Keisha screams, “WHY?” Cameron looks haunted as he grabs her up in his arms and exits the room.

  I’m somehow transported to another room. I notice the doctors calling “Code Blue”. I see Chase holding my mom in a tight embrace as she loses her ability to stand. The scream she releases, reverberates over and over in my head. Chase is not fairing any better. He’s trying to be strong, but I see the tears and the trembling in his hands. I see his lips moving worshipfully. What’s he saying? I don’t walk, but somehow I’m next to him.

  I gasp and yell. “I’M HERE! I’M HERE!” I cry seeing my mother in such a state of disrepair. I cry and pray that what he is saying is true.

  “Peanut said he’s got her soul…he’s got her soul…she’s not dead…Please GOD, I’ve done what you said…Babe don’t leave me…not like this, please don’t leave me…I don’t know if I can make it through this….nonononononononono…Nooooooo!”

  I look over at the bed to see what has him screaming out loud. I notice the straight line on the monitor and the doctors running around. I turn back to Chase, I yell. “I’M HERE BABE…I’M HERE!” But, I’m not. He cannot see the phantom image of me. I’m racked with tears as I view their despair. I’ve done this to them!

  “Ahhhhhh!” I scream as a sharp penetrating energy invades me.

  I look over to the bed as I hear, “We’re losing her, hit her again!”

  I clutch my chest as I am invaded again by a searing pain that seems to never end. I hear a distant beeping sound coming from the monitors. That’s a good sign, right? I stand and stare at Chase’s agonized face, I promise myself if I ever make it back to him, I will never be this foolish again. The scene slowly fades away and I am once again surrounded by blackness. I am overcome with sadness at the heartache I have caused. I clutch my arms around my knees and begin to rock in place. I ask myself for the millionth time, what have I done?

  “Fret not my child. Open your eyes.”

  I try to do what he has asked of me. He has dimed the light so that I can now see. My stomach starts to roll at his glorious sight.

  “Would you mind if I continue to keep my eyes closed? It’s dizzying to look at you. Everything about you keeps changing so rapidly.” I keep my eyes sealed shut as I try to explain.

  I am unsure who retrieves me from my squatting position on the floor. I dare not open my eyes to reveal the person or being cradling me. “Be calm, you, the one who intrigues him the most. You will soon be placed in his hold.” A voice whispers in my head. My rapidly beating heart slows as I am lowered into his embrace. I feel his chest rumble as he holds me in his loving embrace.

  “My sweet child that is easily explained, I am simply not of one image. I go by many names, many images and many nationalities. I am neither male nor female. I am what you require me to be.” He starts to chuckle. “You’re no different than any other, Amber. As I recall on some days y
ou speak in reverence of me and other days you depict me as your enemy. How do they say, I become your whipping boy, on your most trying days.”

  I feel ashamed of all my past outbursts, as the guilt of my recalled words of filth and hatred bombard my soul I try to pull away from his embrace. I try to disentangle my arms, but his hold tightens. Tightens so, that I fell us merging into one. I let out a startled gasp at the sensation of this divine act.

  “Stop your squirming! I will not let you sever from me. I did not bring that last part up to chastise. To make it simple, who am I? I AM WHO I AM!”

  “Well, yeah, that’s pretty simple and straight to the point.” I’m surprised when he release a roar of laughter.

  “Yes, my dear, it is to the point! Listen your time is drawing near. Remember to trust in me. This time do not try to alter my plans! I have directed people in your path to help you reach your goals. Listen to your inner voice if you ever lose your path, I’m never that far off your beaten path.”

  I don’t want to get my hopes up prematurely, it sounds as if he’s sending me home. “Ummm, excuse me…are you sending me back? Am I going home?” I ask nervously.

  “Listen closely, I will be sending you back on one condition. You cannot return to that tainted home. You are no longer aloud to slumber there. I have sent someone very special to intercede in this process. Trust him to love, cherish and protect you my dear, because this love was created right here. He was created especially for you and you for him. Your souls have been bound together since the making of time. You are truly flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone; this is my gift to you.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask anxiously.

  “Amber, don’t tell me that you don’t know. I know you’ve felt your souls intertwine. According to heaven your already one, your love is divine.”

  “Soooo…Yeah….Ummm…Are you saying we’re kind of like, spiritually married in your eyes?” I stumble over this. You know a girl has to get this right.

  He chuckles and kisses my forehead. “Umm…So…Yeah…as surely as there is a Heaven and a Hell!” I laugh at his imitation of me. I laugh at the joy and confirmation that what I have been feeling all along was not my mind playing tricks on me.

  “Remember, I have wondrous plans for your life.” This is said as if a great distance has suddenly sprung up between us. The last part of the sentence starts to fade fast.

  I have wondrous plans for your life

  Plans for your life

  Your life

  Life

  Life

  Life…

  Chapter 25

  Maroon 5. “She Will Be Loved” Songs about Jane. A&M / Octone Records, 2002. CD

  Beauty queen of only eighteen

  She had some trouble with herself

  He was always there to help her

  She always belonged to someone else

  I drove for miles and miles

  And wound up at your door

  I've had you so many times

  But somehow I want more

  I don't mind spending every day

  Out on your corner in the pourin' rain

  Look for the girl with the broken smile

  Ask her if she wants to stay a while

  And she will be loved, and she will be loved

  Tap on my window, knock on my door

  I want to make you feel beautiful

  I know, I tend to get so insecure

  It doesn't matter anymore

  It's not always rainbows and butterflies

  It's compromise that moves us along, yeah

  My heart is full and my door's always open

  You come anytime you want, yeah

  I don't mind spending everyday

  Out on your corner in the pourin' rain

  Look for the girl with the broken smile

  Ask her if she wants to stay a while

  And she will be loved, and she will be loved

  And she will be loved, and she will be loved

  I know where you hide alone in your car

  Know all of the things that make you who you are

  I know that goodbye means nothin' at all

  Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

  Yeah, tap on my window, knock on my door

  I want to make you feel beautiful

  I don't mind spending everyday

  Out on your corner in the pourin' rain

  Look for the girl with the broken smile

  Ask her if she wants to stay a while

  And she will be loved, and she will be loved

  And she will be loved, and she will be loved

  (Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

  Yeah, I don't mind spending everyday

  (Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

  Out on your corner in the pourin' rain

  (Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)

  *****

  I must admit, I’m playing possum. I’ve been laying here motionless for what seems like forever listening to the same song being played over and over again. Even if he wasn’t singing the hook, I would have known who was playing this song for me.

  Listening to the lyrics of this beautifully tortured song, it hits so close to home for me. It sounds so close to our story. I constantly have it on repeat in my car. Number 4, off of the, ‘Songs About Jane’ cd.

  I feel him take hold of my hand as he butchers the last of the song for the umpteenth time. He’s putting a lot of emphasis on the, she will be loved, part and the please don’t try so hard to say goodbye, parts. I feel wetness splatter on my hand and I can take no more, I have to see him. I slowly open my eyes, he’s sitting in a chair that has been pushed near the bed. The side rail has been lowered and he’s leaning his upper body on the mattress. He’s grasping my hand firmly; his eyes are closed tightly as if he’s trying his damndest to keep his tears from escaping. But, they fall anyway.

  I lay there for a moment to soak up the sight of him. I recall the anguish I had put him through and I can’t stand to let him go another second feeling as if he will lose me at any given moment. So, I take the plunge and squeeze his hand.

  I hear him choke on a strangled cry. I feel him lace his fingers with mine. His tears land on our entwined hands as if the sky has opened up to release a purgative spring rain.

  “I’m so sorry!” I choke out through my tears. “I’m…”

  “No!”

  He releases my hand, stands u, and reaches in his pocket to turn off his music that is being played through his Beats by Dr. Dre Pill, wireless speaker. He leans over and places a kiss on my forehead. He lingers there for a moment before standing and returning to his seat.

  “I need to call your mom. I promised her that I would call as soon as you woke up…if you woke up.” He quickly makes the call. After he’s completed the call he turns back to me.

  “How long have I been out?” I ask nervously.

  “Three days – three long days.” He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips, he lingers for a moment before he presses a kiss to the back of my hand. He looks perplexed as he stares at my hand. “Amber, what’s this?” He flips my hand over to examine the other side.

  “What?” He lifts my hand to show me the most beautiful starburst pattern ingrained in my hand. My breath hitches as I retrieve my hand to examine it.

  “It looks like the most extraordinary intricate henna tattoo I have ever seen.” I say, in complete awe.

  “I’ve been holding your hand for days, this wasn’t here. Amber, what is this?” He holds up my hand again.

  “It’s a gift from someone, something to remember him by.” I say in wonderment as I reclaim my hand. “Chase, as sure as my body is here, I was taken to a place that’s beyond anything I can explain right now. I’m not ready to talk about it yet…not my journey…but soon I will tell you everything.” I whisper to him.

  “Believe me, I’m use to the weird and the unknown, Amber. If you want to keep it close to your
heart for now, that’s fine by me. As long as you do have plans to share it at some point, I’m cool with that.” He says, as he retrieves and reexamines my hand.

  We sit in silence for a while, both of us comfortable in the fact that we are both here. In the same space, in the same time, on the same plane. I know there are questions that will soon be asked and answers that are soon to be expected. I was told to trust in this man…and I do. But, something deep down is telling me, it is not the right time to purge my soul.

  As we sit and gaze into each other’s eyes, glimpses of my ghostly visit starts to haunt me. Thinking of the pain that I caused everyone by my hasty retreat to escape my pain, brings tears to my eyes. The thing is, at that time I did not actually think how my actions would affect everyone. I did not realize the actual depths of their love for me.

  Tears start to trail down my face, the reality of my actions forces me to admit to myself that only a coward would do such a thing. Only a selfish person would put herself, her feelings, above everyone else’s and not once think of the consequences behind such a life altering action. I have been granted a second chance and with this go around, I will not let anyone bully me into feeling so inconsequential that I stoop to such a low place ever again.