Temper

by Mary E. Twomey

  Danny pulled into the hospital’s parking lot, honking once when he saw Ollie. My hopeful look to find my brother died in a low curse when I saw him waiting at the door with Gabby. She stood next to him, a mix of emotions on her face. I frowned at Mariang. “You knew about this, didn’t you.”

  Mariang shrugged guiltily. “Maybe a little. Ollie told me this morning.”

  “Yet another thing that wasn’t my choice,” I muttered under my breath.

  Six.

  Ultra-Shock

  Ollie was squeezing one hand while Ezra held the other. Mariang pointed at the screen with so much glee, I didn’t know how my confusion would ever catch up. “Show me again?” I asked the ultrasound technician.

  “Right here,” she pointed to a spot on the screen using her mouse.

  “One more time?”

  She explained the body parts adequately, but I asked over and over until Ollie’s grin started to fade. “Here, let me print it out for you,” the tech in scrubs offered.

  I didn’t know what to feel or how to react. I don’t even know that I was fully processing any of it. I mean, just a baby existing in my uterus was a big enough blast to my sanity. “You’re sure? You’re sure it’s a girl? Show me again, please.”

  The tech was patient, which was to her credit, as I knew I was being annoying. I couldn’t help it. The second she opened her mouth to announce the baby’s sex, I couldn’t hear anything else. It was like cotton and white noise filled my ears, clouding out common sense and ordinary words.

  It was then it started to hit me afresh that I was having a baby, and this was all real. “Ollie? Ollie?” I squeezed my brother’s hand, terrified and confused. My breath came in too shallow for comfort, making me give in to the early stages of a panic attack. “Ollie?”

  He rubbed my arm after the medical professional wiped the clear jelly off my stomach so I could pull my shirt back down over the bump. The swell of my belly had been impossible to hide for a while now. “You’re having a girl! That’s exciting,” my brother said, informing me of the emotion I was supposed to be feeling, trying to bring me up to speed. Ollie and Ezra sat me up, and while Ezra was overjoyed, Ollie understood me better than anyone. He knew I was silently freaking out. He sat at the foot of the hospital bed and stared me down. “This is a good thing, kid. You can do this. Remember: keep your chin up, take it slow.”

  I shook my head, feeling like I was twelve years old. “I can’t do this!” I whispered, the muscles in my fingers going numb from gripping the edge of the bed. “It’s getting real now. A baby girl? Me? I’m... I don’t know how to be a mama. I’ve never changed a diaper before! What do I do if the baby never learns to crawl? What if she takes one look at me and never stops screaming? What happens if I...” I tried to catch my breath, but it came to me in syncopated pants that did me no good at all. “I can’t do this!”

  Ollie cupped my face in his hands to focus me. “Look at me. You can do anything! Allie and I didn’t know what the heck we were doing raising you, but we figured it out. For a long time, there wasn’t even room for you to puzzle out how to crawl, but somehow you learned. Somehow you turned out perfect. I’m telling you, if Allie and I could take care of a baby before we hit our teens, you can do it now. I’ve seen you take on a challenge. There’s nothing you can’t figure out. All this takes is a little research.” He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arm around me. He turned us so our legs were dangling off the side of the bed. “I’m here. I’ll be right by your side for the whole thing.”

  A tear dripped down my cheek. I’d been crying so often; I didn’t even have the decency to be embarrassed about it anymore. “I don’t even have a crib, Ollie. A good mama would already have a crib. She’d already have a plan. I don’t have a plan. I’ve been too selfish, thinking about me in all this. My life, my plans.” I looked up at my brother, eyes wide. “Ollie, there’s going to be a baby soon! We need to get organized. I need a car seat and diapers and clothes for her.” I touched my belly, feeling suddenly protective of what was inside. “A little girl.”

  Ollie rested his cheek atop my head. “My little girl’s having a little girl. Man, I’m old.”

  I snorted through a laugh that I desperately needed. “Will you help me figure this out?”

  “You’re about to be real sorry you asked me that. You thought I was bossy before? Don’t unleash me. Don’t tell me you need help making plans. That’s only like, my favorite thing in the world. Give me a legal pad. Set me loose, kid.”

  Mariang sat down on my other side, holding my hand and grinning at Ollie. “It’s not too late to revisit the idea of a baby shower.”

  Seven.

  Judged

  I’d never been to a baby shower before, but I guessed by the looks on my friends’ faces that this wasn’t what they’d been expecting. Mariang had picked out my silver silk dress that fell like a waterfall over my belly and hung to my knees, hugging my breasts in a way that actually made me feel like a woman instead of a giant anamorphous blob. I mean, at least now I was a dead sexy anamorphous blob, for sure.

  Mariang had rented a room in a banquet hall. There were long silver tapestries, an overlarge lavender bow on the backs of each chair, and long pearl-colored taper candles that made the afternoon luncheon feel like a cozy evening affair. Mariang had thought of everything, including playing “The Way You Look Tonight”, which I’d once told Mariang Von had sung to me while we danced together. It was the sweetest and most horrible thing, and I loved her for the effort. I loved her for a lot of reasons, and this shower was just one of them. I’d resisted for too long the idea of even being pregnant, but she’d been patient, helping me pick out all the things I needed to prepare myself for a life with two.

  Though my friends were more the beer and poker type, they dressed up for the occasion, and in the midst of the hugs and kisses and shocked well-wishes, I realized that this baby was the occasion. I was having a baby, and that was a happy thing, no matter how it came to be.

  Darius showed up, which I couldn’t believe. He came in with two nicely wrapped gifts in his hands and a self-protective vibe to his stiff shoulders. He’d been one of us, once upon a time. When he’d fallen into his older brother’s business, the distance had been inevitable, since none of us approved of Judge’s illegal and often deadly antics.

  I watched the tension build as Darius stood awkwardly in the doorway. The flight or muscle through it debate was plain on his face. I decided I had enough factions of my life that were separate. Setting the tone for my friends, I walked up to Darius and wrapped my arms around him, smiling softly as he melted in my embrace. “Thanks, Bait. Congratulations, kid. Judge sends his love.”

  I kissed Darius’ freshly shaved ebony cheek, still holding onto him. “Thank you for coming. I know we’re not your favorite people in the world. It means a lot.”

  “It’s time, I think.” Darius jerked his head toward the door he’d just come in through. “Judge is out front. He doesn’t want to come inside, but he asked me to send you out to see him for a minute.”

  “Sure. Come on in. Say hi to everyone.” I raised my voice to my friends, who weren’t quite sure what to do with the unexpected guest they had all once loved. “Guys, Darius needs a beer. Jordan, will you get him something good?”

  “Sure thing, Bait. Hey, Nefarious,” Jordan jabbed with an edge to the lighthearted smile on his face.

  I kept my arm around Darius and ushered him into the room. “Now, now. In here he’s just good old Darius.”

  Ollie moved forward and gave Darius a one-armed dude hug, enforcing my rule that we would all be cool on my baby’s special day. “Good to see you, man.” With Ollie on my side, the others quickly fell in line. In the next second, Darius had a smile on his face, a beer in his hand, and too many hugs to choose from. It was the old crew back together, minus Allie.

  I moved toward the entrance, wondering what Judge could possibly want to see me for. Boston moved to open the door for me, watching but main
taining his distance, waiting while I walked out into the sunshine. I strolled down the entryway toward Judge’s silver BMW, bracing myself against the winter chill. Big Mike was his driver, and he regarded me with a curt nod to his head. The back door opened, revealing Judge in pressed gray pants, a light lavender dress shirt and a blue tie. He had always been a sharp dresser, having an eye for details. He stepped out of the car when I refused to climb in; I knew Boston would throw a fit if I disappeared in the backseat of Judge’s vehicle. “Congratulations are in order, I hear.” His words were kind, but his dark eyes and clenched jaw were holding back a storm.

  “Thank you. You’re welcome to come in. You can even bring Big Mike, if you like.” I leaned down to speak into the car. “You feeling hungry, Michael? There’s plenty of food inside.”

  Judge answered for Big Mike, as he always did. “No, thank you. We’re fine out here.”

  “Okay.” I rested my hands on my belly awkwardly. The silk of my dress felt like frozen water, transformed by the iciness of the moderate breeze that chilled me. My coat was somewhere in the building, so I hoped Judge would come out with whatever he wanted to say quick.

  I stood facing Judge, unwilling to shrink beneath his scrutiny. It’s like he showed up just to make a point that he wasn’t going to come to my baby shower. I hadn’t been in charge of the invitations, so I could only guess Judge’s presence was Ollie’s doing, trying to get us to put the past behind us. “So, how’s business? Help any old ladies across the street lately?”

  Judge pointed a mocha-colored finger at my belly in dismay. “Who did this to you?”

  My smile tightened. “No one you know.”

  “Don’t play games. What’s his name?”

  “What do you care?”

  “Just tell me Ollie’s broken his legs so I can sleep better at night.”

  I blinked up at him in confusion. “You showed up just to tell me you’re mad?”

  “I showed up because I had to see for myself. This,” he said with disdain, jabbing his finger at my belly again, “wasn’t supposed to happen to you. You’re the one who was supposed to make something of herself.”

  My head started to swivel with attitude, and I began talking animatedly with my hands, riled up after the first few verbal punches. “I’m sorry, am I dead? No. There’s still plenty of time for me to make something of myself.”

  “This isn’t what I wanted for you. Who did this?”

  “Why do you care?” I repeated, confused.

  “Because you’re my sister! Or you were before I...” He shook his head, his midnight eyes filled with palpable heaviness. “I’m so disappointed in you.”

  Anger rose up in me like a kraken just waiting for the right trigger to set its tentacles of torment loose. In an act of indignant rage, my hand flew out and smacked Judge across the face. Big Mike got out of the car, but otherwise didn’t intervene. Judge’s nostrils flared dangerously, and I knew I’d traipsed over deadly ground. To be fair, so had he.

  My voice was low and lethal as I fumed at the man I’d regarded as a secondary older brother, back when I’d been young and foolish enough to trust his kindness. “How dare you. I don’t care about meeting your expectations. You lost every good thing in my eyes when you turned us away all those years ago. You think you’re disappointed in me? Get used to that feeling, Judge. I’ve been disappointed in you for sixteen years.” I stabbed my finger to his chest, which was letting him off easy from the right hook I wanted to clock him with. “You don’t get to care about me or my baby. You don’t get to put standards on me that you don’t even hold yourself to.”

  “I made something of myself!” he roared, finally letting the cracks in his armor show. “You don’t get to look down your nose at me just because you don’t like how I got here.”

  I didn’t shiver from the cold weather, no; it was the arctic chill between us that had finally built to an avalanche we were both ready to bury each other under. When Judge opened his mouth to defend himself further, I threw my shaking hands up between us, trembling at the showdown that had been years in the making. “I can’t do this right now. I’m having a baby, Judge. A baby. You get that, right? You took yourself out of my life years ago. You don’t get to make demands on my choices now.”

  Judge’s defiance was firmly in place, his clenched jaw making his whole face taut with barely controlled fury. “Who did this to you?”

  “I did,” I answered with sad eyes. I tried to anchor us so we didn’t destroy what was left of the diminishing goodness I knew we both had buried deep. “I did this to me. I thought I had a handle on my life, but I let things get out of control. I’m dealing, though, so you should either support me or get out.”

  His fist tightened. “That’s nothing like you. You never let things get out of control. Control is your touchstone. You’re like me.”

  I blinked up at him, confused at the declaration. “I am?”

  Judge’s eyes softened infinitesimally. Had I not known him for ages, I might not have noticed. “Always have been. Why do you think neither of us ever wins when we go head to head?”

  I pursed my lips, weighing his words and wondering at the truth of them. “Well, I don’t want to be that way, always fighting for the upper hand. Some things can’t be controlled, no matter how hard you try. I want to get my life in order. I have to do right by this baby, Judge. Disappointment that I am to you, I can’t afford to let my daughter down. She’s the one who matters now. Not me, and not you.”

  “See that you don’t disappoint her, then. Shouldering the shame of letting a little girl down? It’s a slow death.” He shook his head, saying so many things with his eyes, his body and his voice that confused me. “That hard look in your eyes has been killing me for years. I know it’s me who put that there.”

  Ollie trotted out to us, a friendly expression forcing itself to overshadow the volatile one lurking beneath. He extended his hand to Judge, who shook it with that same firm look to him that told me he wasn’t dropping this anytime soon. “Hey, Judge. You coming in?”

  “Judge was just stopping by to tell me what a disappointment I am for throwing my life away, getting knocked up. He’s not allowed in. In fact, he was just leaving.”

  Ollie’s jaw tightened, and the two men exchanged nods of understanding that, though they respected each other, distance was the best thing for all involved. “Come on in, kiddo. We were just about to get started when we realized we’d lost the guest of honor.” Ollie held onto my shaking hand and glanced up with a warning at Judge. “Look, October’s been through enough. You’ll do well not to put unnecessary stress on my sister. What’s done is done, and you won’t look down your nose at her about it.”

  Judge stepped back, gripping the handle on his car door. “Expect a gift when the baby comes. You won’t be hearing from me before then.”

  My anger came back unfettered. “You can expect your gift sent back to you in ashes! I won’t have your pity gifts. I don’t need your disapproval, and my daughter doesn’t need your charity.”

  Judge shut himself in his car and left with a respectful nod to Ollie before Big Mike drove off.

  Eight.

  Baby, Bows and Beer

  I had given Mason the day off, sticking Boston with the duty of guarding the door, which he seemed ever vigilantly determined to do. Either he was very concerned about keeping me safe, or he was trying to distance himself from the abundance of bows and ruffles that seemed to explode out of every package. He remained distant and quiet, and I completely understood. Kinda wished we could switch places.

  Ollie never left my side, helping me cut the ribbons and speaking when I didn’t have the guts to answer the harder questions. He was the buffer between the Brits and our people, his professional manners reminding our friends to be cool.

  When the formalities ended, Ezra introduced himself to each of our friends, letting me answer when Beto asked how we knew him. “Ezra’s my new stepdad. He was Bev’s fiancé. And Mariang’s my new
sister.”

  That was all it took for Ezra’s grin to brighten his face, close the gap between us and kiss both my cheeks. “I’m honored to be your father.”

  Ezra, Danny, Mariang and Lynna said their goodbyes after the ceremony of the baby shower was over, leaving us to our devices. Darius took that as his easy exit, leaving while things were still smooth, and before anyone could get in a jab too glib to be ignored. I hadn’t seen our friends in several months, and when it was just the regular crew sitting around the tables we pushed together, the questions didn’t stop coming.

  “Who’s the baby-daddy?” Jordan asked, as usual, unaware of the layers of discomfort laced throughout that question. After the presents were opened and dinner was eaten, the ties came off and the company manners were tossed under the table. Jordan sat back in his chair, sizing me up like I had suddenly grown a dinosaur head. “I mean, the last we saw you, you were normal. Now you’re our little Bait, with child.”

  “It’s Von,” Ollie answered when I clammed up. “You met him a couple times. He’s overseas visiting his family before the baby comes. He wishes he could be here, though.” It was a sweet lie, and I knew in that simple explanation that Ollie was hoping for Von to return. It was nice to know that after everything, some part of Ollie existed that was an unjaded romantic.

  Katrina’s head snapped in my direction, the queen bee inside of her coming out swinging. “Von? British hottie, leaves before sunrise, got a joke for everything, Von? My Von?”

  My elbows rested on the round table we’d pulled chairs around so we could all sit together. I blew my breath out through pursed lips. “Yup. Just like how Jessica’s with my Beto, and none of you said a thing to me while it was going on behind my back. Von and I got together months after you two had your thing.” I cast Beto an apologetic look for throwing him under the bus, but really, he was getting off pretty easy.