So Bad It Must Be Good

by Nicole Helm

  Liam didn’t do the same thing, but it was for the same reasons, but he didn’t see it. Was it her job to help him see it? Could it be?

  “She thinks Aiden is maybe getting into drugs now. She’s afraid he’s going to hurt himself.”

  “It sounds like he needs professional help,” Kayla returned as blandly as she could manage.

  “He does, and I suggested it, but . . . Aiden’s not particularly apt to take a suggestion. Mom thinks . . . Well, she thinks if we can get him a little more even-keeled he’d listen. She asked for my help.”

  This time Kayla really did bite her tongue and she stepped away, no matter how much she knew he’d read into that. Aiden’s issues were so completely not her place, but she didn’t like how everyone seemed to insist Liam could fix Aiden if only Liam tried.

  “I know you feel responsible for Aiden, for your family, and I understand that,” she said as carefully as she could. “But you are not a mental health professional, Liam, and if Aiden really is that bad off, that’s what he needs.”

  “I know. I know. But, see, he’s got this idea in his head that he’s unhappy because . . .”

  Liam looked meaningfully at her and Kayla couldn’t help it. She rolled her eyes. “Because of me?”

  “Well, us.”

  She laughed. Meanly. She shouldn’t have, she knew it, but this was so utterly ridiculous. “So you have something he doesn’t, and he does drugs and hurts himself? I don’t think so, Liam. That sounds like a very convenient excuse.”

  “Maybe it is, Kay. I get that. It’s not like I don’t get that he’s fixated on something that has nothing to do with him for all the wrong reasons, but he’s going to keep being that way until we can get him some help.”

  Liam looked so sad, and it poked at her that she wasn’t being more sympathetic. He wanted to help the people he loved, and was that really so awful? “What can I do?”

  He took a deep breath, because clearly Liam had some plan and he wanted her help, and maybe if she helped . . . Well, she had nothing against Aiden. She didn’t think he was a very good brother, but maybe he did need help, and if she could do that . . . Well, it would make Liam happy, and wasn’t that what she really wanted?

  “If Aiden thinks we’re not together, it might calm him down enough for us to convince him to seek some professional help. Just for a little while. We’d stay apart, but we can still talk. It’d just be like . . . a long-distance relationship. For a little while. Until we can convince him to get some help.”

  It was a blow. Kayla had always known words could hurt, could knock you back a few paces, but this . . . She had to blink at the sudden stinging in her eyes, swallow at the nauseating roll of her stomach. “You want to pretend like we broke up, and basically act like we broke up. Actually be apart.” She didn’t bother to keep the hurt out of her voice. This hurt.

  “Just for a little bit.” He stepped toward her but she moved away and shook her head and he stopped.

  “How long?” she demanded.

  “What? I don’t . . .”

  “A week? A month? A year?”

  “It wouldn’t be a year.”

  She shook her head, hugging herself tighter. “But maybe a few months?”

  “I can’t predict . . . I know it seems harsh, but if he’s really threatening to hurt himself... My dad is having surgery tomorrow. And if it doesn’t work . . . My family is barely holding on right now, okay? I need to do what I can.”

  “You really believe that, don’t you?”

  He blinked, whether surprised by the sharpness of her tone or surprised he didn’t have a good answer for that, she didn’t know. Maybe she didn’t care.

  “Of course I believe that,” he said, his voice rough and baffled. “Look, maybe you don’t understand because you don’t have a close-knit family, but—”

  “Close-knit my ass, Liam. You have a family who treats you like dirt, and news flash, no amount of fixing things is going to change that.” It was harsh, and too much, but she was just so angry and hurt and...

  How could he think this was okay? How could he think it was his duty to fix a jackass who blamed his own brother’s happiness for his problems?

  She’d spent her life reining in her temper and trying to keep people from seeing her hurt, but she was done with that. She wasn’t going to be the sacrifice Liam made for his family, even if that meant she had to walk away.

  * * *

  Liam was frozen. Kayla’s words hurt, but in a way he couldn’t have predicted. Like some kind of truth cutting its way down to his very soul.

  Except it was bullshit. Of course his family cared, and they didn’t treat him like dirt. She was witnessing an extreme case, but it hadn’t always been like this, and it wouldn’t always be.

  If they got Aiden help things would be different. He had to believe that. “I’m not explaining this right, clearly.”

  “Or you could consider the possibility that you’re just wrong.”

  She was standing there, her eyes shiny with tears, and he knew she didn’t understand, because if she understood, she wouldn’t be hurt like this. And that was on him, her hurt. He’d messed this up, but he could fix it. He just had to find the right combination of words and he could fix it.

  “Okay, how about this?” She swallowed, still hugging herself so tight. He should be the one hugging her. But she wouldn’t let him. “Take a second to imagine years down the road. Let’s say we got married. Maybe even had kids.”

  Every word she said felt like a dagger. This even more so than what had come before because it was all too easy to picture. A future with Kayla. A family of his own. Something he’d never spent much time thinking about.

  He didn’t think about the future. There always seemed to be so many problems in the here and now to fix, he never thought about what might come next.

  “Then let’s say, suddenly Aiden decides your life is better and he’s going to harm himself because of it. I’m supposed to believe you’d stick around that time when you’re not sticking around this time?”

  “Don’t insult me like that. I would never . . .” Why was she talking about a future when they had to get through the present first?

  “But now is different because . . . Why, exactly? You said you loved me. So why should I think anything would change? He’ll always come first.”

  “There’s no hierarchy, Kay. You don’t seem to understand how grave this situation is.”

  “No, Liam. I do. I don’t expect it to be easy, and I know life isn’t fair. But I know, I know, at some point you have to choose. Because you can’t keep fixing everyone. Especially when they very purposefully don’t want you to fix them. He wants to punish you. He wants to manipulate you, because he can.”

  “He’s my brother.” It was the only thing Liam could think to say. How did you walk away from helping your own family? It wasn’t like he was suggesting they actually break up. He wasn’t choosing Aiden over her. He was just . . . rearranging things until they could maneuver Aiden into some help.

  Was that really so much to ask?

  “He’s his own fucked-up person,” Kayla replied, and a tear slipped over her cheek, practically killing him where he stood. “You can’t make him not that, and trust me—because been there, done that—your mom won’t magically love you more if you do what she wants.”

  She kept saying shit like that and he didn’t know how to argue with it. But he had to find a way because she was wrong. She didn’t see it the way he did. How could she?

  “This isn’t some warped crusade to get my mother’s love or approval. I have that. I’m sorry you don’t, but we’re not the same.”

  She laughed, that same nasty laugh from earlier. Nothing sweet or soothing as her laugh normally was.

  “Okay, we’re not the same. Then I guess you’ve never done something in the hopes it would get noticed or earn you a pat on the back or a good job. You’ve never gotten so used to doing what they want you to do, you don’t even know what you want
to do.”

  “I know what I want to do,” he ground out.

  “Fix everything?”

  She said it so condescendingly, and it grated. He’d never been anything but honest and straightforward with her. He’d never hidden those fixer impulses. He wasn’t suddenly showing his true colors. He’d been this all along.

  “This isn’t exactly what I expected from my girlfriend the night before my father’s surgery.”

  “Well, it’s not really what I expected either since we aren’t talking about your father. We’re talking about your brother.”

  “It all connects, Kayla. It’s my family.”

  She inhaled deeply, and some of that harshness on her face left, but he didn’t like what was left any better. It was all soft hurt and more tears.

  “I get it. I do. You don’t want to think we’re alike, but I understand this, Liam. You don’t want to admit what they’re doing to you because it feels good to help. You feel valuable.” She stepped forward and touched him for the first time since this conversation had gone horribly wrong. She looked up at him imploringly. “I value you, and I don’t expect you to fix me in return. I love you, and that means I want you to be happy—it makes me happy. Yeah, maybe Aiden needs some help. Maybe he’s not in the best place, but if you losing is the only thing that makes him even receptive to getting help, that isn’t love and it isn’t family, not one worth sacrificing for.”

  “I think that’s easy for you to say.” He didn’t know why those words came out. He knew she was trying to help. He knew she didn’t mean her words to cause this river of pain to flow through him. But everything she said felt too close to right.

  But if she was right, who the hell was he? What kind of life was he living. She just didn’t understand.

  Her hand dropped from his chest and she stepped away, crossing her arms over her chest. Her expression was hard again, furious. And that poked at his own fury he was desperately trying to leash.

  “Easy, huh?”

  “Yeah, I think it’s pretty damn easy to judge my family’s treatment of me when you just ran away from yours instead of standing up to them or trying to understand them. Maybe I should be worried about future Kayla. Maybe when you’re unhappy, when you’re feeling like you’re decoration, of your own damn doing, you’ll run away.”

  She inhaled sharply and there was a moment of clear, unfiltered pain on her face. She didn’t even bother to hide it. She didn’t look away. She didn’t straighten her shoulders. She stared right at him looking wrecked.

  “Well, I’m glad I see what you really think of me.”

  “We’re both angry and saying things we don’t—”

  “I meant every word I said, so don’t bother to try and fix this too, Liam. You made your choice, and it’s time for me to make mine. I’d like you to leave.”

  He took a step toward her, apologies on his lips. He didn’t want to leave. This had gotten completely out of hand, and if she let him . . . If she gave him some time he could make sense of this. He could fix this.

  “Now,” she said firmly, stalking toward the door. “I have nothing left to say to you.” She wrenched it open and pointed.

  He took a deep breath, trying to calm the panic beating through him. The panic wouldn’t help. He needed to be calm and rational and he’d work this out. “I’ll go because you’ve told me to, but I don’t consider this over.”

  She lifted her chin and looked him right in the eye as he stepped into the hallway. “Well, I do. And congratulations. Aiden got exactly what he wanted.” She slammed the door in his face before he could respond to that.

  Not that he could. He had no words. He didn’t understand any of this. All he felt was numb.

  And very, very alone.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Kayla sat in Dinah and Carter’s kitchen and stared at the cupcake Dinah had shoved in front of her. She’d spent most of last night crying, and then she’d spent her morning finishing up her temp job and worrying about Liam and his father.

  She hated that she was worried about the jerk, but she was. Couldn’t help it. If anything went wrong in that surgery, Liam would somehow find a way to blame himself. And that was stupid and obnoxious and he should know better.

  But she wanted to be the one to teach him, even when she was so damn mad at him she’d imagined herself punching him in the balls more than once.

  “Eat it,” Dinah demanded, swiveling the plate with the cupcake back and forth. “It’ll do a broken heart good.”

  “Aren’t you supposed to go back to work? Grandmother will not be happy with you taking an extra-long lunch break.”

  “Grandmother can bite me.”

  Kayla looked dolefully at her cousin.

  “Okay, Grandmother can maybe not bite me, but she will deal. I have plenty of personal time to take. You need a cupcake and a shoulder to cry on.”

  “I need a boyfriend who isn’t an asshole.”

  “Oh, those don’t exist,” Dinah replied decidedly, sticking her finger in the frosting on the cupcake and taking a little bite to her mouth.

  “You love Carter,” Kayla pointed out, taking her own little finger scoop of frosting.

  “Yes, I do. Immeasurably. I’d do anything for him, and sometimes I love him so much it physically hurts. And sometimes he’s an asshole and I want to punch him in the junk.” Dinah shrugged. “Likely, he feels the same about me. I’ve come to the conclusion that that’s just love.”

  Kayla couldn’t manage a smile, though she knew she should try. “I’m really not hungry, Dinah.”

  “But it’s chocolate.”

  Kayla did manage a smile at that. “You don’t think I should apologize? Maybe . . . Maybe I overreacted. His dad is having surgery today. I was too hard on him.”

  “Do you really think that?”

  Kayla heaved out a breath and rested her chin on her arms. “No.”

  “Then there’s your answer.”

  “But if I’m right, why am I miserable?”

  “Oh, honey.” Dinah reached across the table and squeezed her arm. “I don’t know that anything in life that’s right is ever easy. Especially when you add in love and other people. It’s kind of a recipe for misery.”

  “That’s—” Her phone rang and she nearly jumped. She scrambled for it, and she’d be embarrassed by doing so in front of Dinah later.

  But it wasn’t Liam. It was the phone call she’d been waiting for from the orchard she’d interviewed at, and she should be excited rather than disappointed.

  Still, when she answered she couldn’t seem to muster nerves or excitement or anything other than an Eeyore depression. “Hello?”

  “Good morning, is this Ms. Gallagher?”

  “Yes.”

  “Wonderful. This is Sheila from Tiffer’s Farm & Orchard. I’m going to be kind of blunt because I know how stressful it is waiting for an answer on a job. Unfortunately we decided to go another way with the position you applied for.”

  “Oh.” It was disappointing. If she hadn’t spent all night crying over Liam, she might have even cried, but all she managed to feel was kind of numb.

  “But we did want to offer you an alternate position.”

  “Alternate . . . position?”

  “We really liked you a lot for the position, but another applicant had way more experience. However, we have three locations and if you’d be interested and willing, there is a lower-level position at our New Benton location. It’d give you the kind of experience we’d be looking for the next time a position opened up.”

  “O-oh.” Kayla took a deep breath and willed herself to focus. This was her life. Her real life, and yes it sucked that Liam wasn’t going to be a part of it, but that didn’t change the reality of her future. It was still going to be there. She still had to build it.

  “Let me tell you a little bit about the responsibilities, and then if you need some time to decide, we can give you a few days.”

  So Kayla listened to the description of
the job. It did feel a little bit like a demotion from her position at Gallagher’s, but it would also be a position she got all on her own. The location was farther away than the one she’d applied at, but she could move.

  She could do anything. It was her life to build. Part of her wanted to decline and to go home and hide in her bed. Pine over Liam. Pine over leaving Gallagher’s.

  But she had changed these past few months, and when she and Liam had told each other their I-love-yous, she’d said that he’d been a part of her change. She’d needed him to make that next step, and even if she didn’t have him for this next, next step, it would be stupid to regress just because he wasn’t here.

  He certainly wouldn’t go cry in his house every night because things hadn’t gone according to plan. No, he was somewhere out there determined to fix everything.

  “If you need time to consider—”

  “No, I’d love to take the job. It sounds perfect.”

  “Wonderful. I’m going to pass all your contact information to Jess over at the New Benton location, and she will get in touch about start dates and training, if that sounds good.”

  “Yes, thank you. Really. I’m very excited to start.”

  “Welcome to Tiffer’s, Ms. Gallagher. I think you’ll be an excellent addition to our team.”

  “Th-thank you. Goodbye.”

  Kayla clicked and stared at her phone until Dinah grabbed her and gave her a little shake.

  “You got the job!”

  Kayla looked up at her cousin, who was grinning widely. “Well, not the job, but a job. A good start.”

  “That’s awesome, Kay.” Dinah didn’t let go of her arm. Instead, she rubbed a palm up and down it, a reassuring gesture. “A good start is exactly what you need.”

  Kayla agreed. It was absolutely what she needed, but she couldn’t seem to help it. She just burst into tears.

  * * *

  Liam sat in the waiting room at the hospital breathing slowly and carefully. He wanted to fidget and pace, but Mom was doing enough of that for both of them. And considering the way Grandma was glaring at her, Liam didn’t think he needed to add to it.